Bonsoir, Aren. Merci de nous confier votre souffrance et d'avoir demandé de l'aide. Je serais ravi de vous faire part de mon point de vue ; c'est un honneur pour moi que vous m'écoutiez.
Je vais répondre à autant de points que possible et utiliser des titres pour faciliter la lecture et les références ultérieures. Je commencerai par quelques notions scientifiques susceptibles de vous aider à mieux comprendre ce qui se joue actuellement.
La physique du suicide – Thermodynamique et énergie :
En physique, il existe un ensemble de principes appelés les lois de la thermodynamique. La première loi stipule qu'au sein d'un système, l'énergie ne peut être ni créée ni détruite ; elle subit simplement une transformation. C'est ce qu'on appelle parfois le principe de conservation de l'énergie. Bien entendu, c'est une façon très simpliste de présenter les choses, mais c'est l'idée fondamentale. Il en va de même sur le plan psychologique : l'énergie issue d'un traumatisme peut se convertir en une énergie servant à commettre un suicide, mais aussi à peindre un tableau, écrire un livre, trop manger, réaménager sa chambre, nager, méditer, ou prendre une multitude d'autres formes. J'essaie de garder ce modèle énergétique à l'esprit lorsque je suis confronté à une épreuve difficile ; je me dis alors que je dois m'efforcer de transformer mon énergie. Peut-être trouverez-vous cette approche utile ?
Biologie du suicide – Évolution et métamorphose :
En biologie, l'évolution des espèces est une manifestation concrète de la transformation de l'énergie. L'évolution s'observe également au sein de chaque organisme, y compris chez nous les humains, car notre composition change tout au long de notre vie. Je pense que la métamorphose constitue le meilleur exemple d'évolution chez un organisme. J'essaie de visualiser la métamorphose lorsque je suis durement frappé par un problème de la vie. Il me semble que vous avez dit craindre de faire le deuil de votre petite amie parce que vous ne voulez pas renoncer à la douleur qui vous la rappelle. Je ne suis pas certain d'avoir bien compris vos propos, mais si c'est le cas, peut-être pourriez-vous envisager que cette douleur évoluera probablement avec le temps, sans pour autant disparaître totalement. C'est du moins ce que j'ai vécu face à la douleur et au deuil. La nouvelle forme qui émerge après le changement n'est ni meilleure ni pire ; elle est simplement différente. Voici quelques belles vidéos sur la métamorphose que vous pourriez regarder tout en ressentissant votre douleur et en apprivoisant votre nouvelle réalité.
Psychologie du suicide – L'échelle de fuite :
À la suite de mon traumatisme, je présente des symptômes d'anxiété, un sentiment de submersion, de la dissociation et de la psychose. Lorsque je suis très anxieux ou submergé, cela entraîne une dissociation. Si cette dissociation s'aggrave, elle peut mener à la psychose. C'est un peu comme une échelle de fuite, un moyen d'échapper aux dangers que je perçois sur Terre. J'appelle cela mon « échelle de fuite ». Plus je monte sur cette échelle, plus la tentation d'emprunter la « sortie de secours » qu'est le suicide devient forte. Vous savez, ce réflexe naturel qui nous fait retirer la main sans réfléchir lorsqu'on touche une plaque de cuisson brûlante ? C'est un mécanisme biologique programmé pour éviter le danger. Mon échelle de fuite est l'équivalent psychologique de cet évitement du danger. Peut-être cette idée d'échelle vous parle-t-elle ? Lorsque je me trouve au bas de l'échelle — avec de l'anxiété, un sentiment de submersion et une dissociation légère —, je peux utiliser des outils de gestion des traumatismes ainsi que des médicaments légers, comme des benzodiazépines ou une tisane à la camomille. En revanche, si la dissociation est sévère, si je présente des symptômes psychotiques ou si je suis obsédé par l'idée du suicide, j'utilise ces mêmes outils de gestion des traumatismes associés à des antipsychotiques à faible dose. Souvent, un seul comprimé suffit à clarifier ma pensée et à me faire redescendre l'échelle. Avez-vous parlé à votre médecin de la possibilité de prendre des antipsychotiques à faible dose ?
Mantras pour la part suicidaire et la part de survie : peuvent-elles collaborer ?
Pour vous rappeler vos mantras, vous aviez écrit : « Mon mantra pour vivre, en 10 mots ou moins : être heureux et bâtir une vie avec une personne aimée pour partager nos rêves. Mon mantra pour mourir : faire cesser la douleur, la rejoindre. »
Deux réflexions me viennent à l'esprit à ce sujet : premièrement, avez-vous envisagé que votre mantra pour mourir s'inscrit davantage dans le présent, tandis que celui pour vivre se projette dans l'avenir ? Peut-être que la mort est plus tentante parce qu'elle est plus proche du présent ? Deuxièmement, avez-vous envisagé que votre part suicidaire cherche peut-être à faire cesser la souffrance que ressent votre part de survie ? Il se pourrait donc que votre part suicidaire agisse en réalité comme une protectrice de votre part de survie. Je pense souvent aux attentats du 11 septembre contre les tours jumelles à New York : les gens se jetaient par les fenêtres, principalement depuis les étages situés entre le 91e et le 107e. Sauter d'une telle hauteur équivaut à un suicide certain, mais c'était un choix entre deux maux : périr brûlé vif dans l'incendie ou se jeter par la fenêtre vers une mort certaine. Dans les deux cas, l'issue fatale est inévitable. Mais je crois que ceux qui ont choisi de sauter l'ont peut-être fait simplement parce que ce choix leur redonnait une forme de liberté, même si l'issue — la mort — restait la même. Il en va peut-être de même pour d'autres suicides : rester en vie est un moindre mal par rapport au choix de mourir. C'est donc l'option qui offre le plus de choix qui l'emporte. Je pense que c'est l'une des raisons pour lesquelles je suis souvent envahi par des idées suicidaires : lorsque je perds le contrôle de ma vie et que je suis confronté à une souffrance que je crois incapable de maîtriser ou de supporter. Le suicide apparaît alors comme le moindre mal. Peut-être que lorsque vous imaginez une vie après la mort aux côtés de votre petite amie — sans même savoir si cet au-delà existe —, vous voyez là un moindre mal, un choix que vous pouvez maîtriser dans un monde où vous avez perdu tout contrôle. Peut-être. Ou peut-être que cette idée joue un rôle dans votre réflexion ? Ou peut-être encore que l'inconnu de l'au-delà est plus séduisant précisément parce qu'il est inconnu.
Aménager votre chambre :
Tout comme votre corps et votre esprit traversent une métamorphose, vous pouvez bien entendu modifier votre environnement. Vous pourriez envisager votre chambre comme le seul endroit de ce monde où vous avez réellement un certain contrôle. L'idéal serait évidemment d'avoir votre propre appartement, mais ce n'est pas le cas pour l'instant. Espérons que cela changera bientôt. Voici donc quelques pistes de réflexion :
- Une plante sur le rebord de la fenêtre (peut-être celle que votre petite amie aimait).
- Dites-vous que vos animaux de compagnie gardent des souvenirs de votre petite amie et qu'une part d'elle vit encore en eux.
- Votre espace de jeu (« bulle de gaming ») évolue, comme vous l'avez décrit ; vous pourriez peut-être réfléchir à ces changements, voire le réaménager pour l'adapter à votre nouvelle réalité.
- Lorsque vous verrouillez votre porte, vous pouvez considérer que vous vous enfermez dans un lieu sûr et/ou que vous laissez le monde extérieur derrière vous.
- Les fenêtres peuvent être un excellent support pour extérioriser vos pensées et vos sentiments. J'utilise aussi parfois des murs nus à cette fin. Vous souvenez-vous du clip de Sheryl Crow où elle est enfermée dans un musée ? Elle a des images de fenêtres accrochées aux murs. La simple évocation d'une fenêtre peut être libératrice.
- Vous pourrez trier les affaires de votre petite amie à tout moment. Il n'y a aucune urgence. Il est judicieux de les rassembler en un seul endroit pour concentrer cette énergie en un lieu unique.
- Peut-être pourriez-vous considérer votre chambre comme votre « Batcave » ? Ou lui donner un autre nom ?
- Peut-être que votre « Golden Gate Bridge » pourrait devenir un lieu de réflexion sur vos deux options : le suicide en sautant du pont, ou le choix de rester pour bâtir une nouvelle vie en traversant ce pont ?
Peut-être pourrions-nous discuter de la manière dont votre entourage peut vous soutenir, même s'il ne peut pas vous aider directement à surmonter la perte de votre petite amie ?
J'espère que ces quelques idées vous seront utiles.
((ENGLISH TRANSLATION))
Good morning, Aren. Thank you for trusting us with your pain and for reaching out for help. You are very welcome to my input. It's an honour to have you listen.
I am going to reply to as much as I can, and will put titles to make it easier to read and refer to. I'll start with some science that might help you give a framework of what's happening.
Suicide Physics –Thermodynamics and energy:
In Physics, there are a set of laws called the Laws of Thermodynamics. The first law states that within a system, energy cannot be created or destroyed. Instead, there is a change in energy. This is sometimes called the law of conservation of energy. This is of course a very simplistic way of describing it, but basically that's it. It is the same psychologically, where trauma energy can be converted into energy to committing suicide, making a painting, writing a book, overeating, redesigning your bedroom, going swimming, meditating, or a million other possible forms of energy. I try to think of this model of energy when I get hit hard with a life problem, that I need to focus on changing my energy. Maybe you can find that idea helpful?
Suicide Biology – Evolution and metamorphosis:
In biology, evolution of species is a concrete expression of transforming energy. Evolution can also be seen within each organism, including us humans, as our composition changes over our lifetime. I think the best example of evolution in an organism is metamorphosis. I try to picture in my mind metamorphosis when I am hit hard with a life problem. I think you said that you are afraid of grieving your girlfriend because you don't want to let go of your pain that reminds you of her. I'm not sure that is what you were saying. But if it is, perhaps you can consider that the pain will likely change over time, but it will likely never go away completely. That has been my experience with pain and with grieving. Here are a couple of beautiful videos of metamorphosis that you might want to consider as you feel your pain and experience your new reality.
Suicide Psychology – Escape Ladder:
As a result of my trauma, I have symptoms of anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, dissociation and psychosis. When I get very anxious or overwhelmed, this leads to dissociation. If my dissociation gets worse, this can lead to psychosis. So this is like an escape ladder, escape from the dangers that I perceive on Planet Earth. I call this my Escape Ladder. The farther up the ladder I go, the more tempting it is to go to the Emergency Exit of suicide. You know when you touch a hot stove, without thinking your hand pulls away? That's a biological reflex we have naturally programmed to avoid danger. My Escape Ladder is the psychological equivalent of avoiding danger. Maybe you can relate to this ladder idea? When I am at the bottom of the ladder with anxiety, feeling overwhelmed and mild dissociation, I can use trauma tools and mild medication in the form of benzodiazepines and camomile tea. But if my dissociation is severe, or if I am having psychotic symptoms, or if I am fixated on suicide, I use trauma tools as well as low-dose antipsychotics. Often times, just one pill is enough to clear my thinking and bring me down the ladder. Have you spoken to your doctor about the possibility of low-dose antipsychotics?
Mantras for Suicidal Part and Survival Part – Working Together?:
To remind you the mantras you wrote: "My mantra to live in 10 words or less : be happy and building a life with someone in love to share dreams. My mantra to die : stop the pain, join her."
I have two thoughts about this: Firstly, have you considered that your mantra for dying is more in the present and your mantra for living is more in the future? So maybe dying is more tempting because it is closer to the present?
Secondly, have you considered that maybe your Suicidal Part wants to stop the pain that your Survival Part is experiencing? So maybe your Suicidal Part is actually a protector of your Survival Part? I often think about how during the 9-11 attacks on the Twin Towers in NYC, people were jumping out the windows primarily between the 91st and 107th floors. It is definite suicide to jump out at such a great height, but it was a choice between the lesser of two evils – burn to death in the fires or jump out the window to their death. Both are a sure way of dying. But I believe it could be that those people who chose to jump may have done so just because that was the choice that gave them a choice, even though the resulting death was the same. And maybe with other suicides it is the same, that staying alive is a lesser evil than choosing to die. So it is the plan with most choice that wins. I think that is one of the reasons I often get suicidal –when I have lost control of my life and I see pain that I believe that I cannot control or endure. So suicide is the lesser of two evils. Maybe when you say you imagine an afterlife in suicide with your girlfriend, even though you don't know if the afterlife exists, it is the lesser of two evils and it is a choice that you can control in a world where you have lost control. Maybe. Or maybe there is an element of that in your thinking? Or maybe the unknown of an afterlife is more appealing just because it is unknown.
Bedroom Supports:
The same way your body and mind undergo a metamorphosis, we can of course change our environment. Perhaps you can consider your bedroom as the only place where you really have at least a bit of control in this world. It of course would be better if you had your apartment, but for the time being that is not a reality. Hopefully it will be soon. So here are some suggestions to think about.
-Plant in the window (maybe the one your girlfriend liked).
-Consider your pets have memories of your girlfriend and part of her still lives in them.
-Your gaming bubble is undergoing change, as you described, so maybe you can contemplate those changes and maybe even redesign it for your new reality
-When you lock your door, you can consider that you are locking yourself in your safe place and/or you are locking up the world behind your door.
-Windows can be a great place to offload your thoughts and feelings. I use blank walls for this too. Remember the video with Sheryl Crowe where she is locked in a museum? She has pictures on the walls of windows. Just the idea of a window can be liberating.
-Going through your girlfriend's belongings can happen any time. There is no rush to doing this, of course. Having it in one place is a really good idea, so that this energy is focused in one place.
-Maybe you can consider your room as your Bat Cave? Or some other name?
-Maybe your Golden Gate Bridge can be a place for contemplating your two choices – suicide by jumping off the bridge, or staying to build a new life by crossing the bridge?
Maybe we can talk about how the people in your life can be supportive even though they cannot support you directly regarding the loss of your girlfriend?
I hope that was helpful in some way.
Hi, I wrote a reply yesterday, but somehow it didn't send and didn't save to my drafts. I'm trying again. Yes, I'm familiar with the concept of channeling traumatic or anxious energy into another activity—some call it sublimation. It works for me when I'm not in the middle of a panic attack; if I can manage it beforehand or as the anxiety is rising, it usually helps. The problem is that the activities I used to love—painting and drawing—are tied to my girlfriend; she's the one who gave me all my art supplies. I even still have the drawings she made on the tablet she gave me—pictures of the two of us together, in love... I can't bring myself to turn that tablet on, or even draw on paper like I used to, because that involves old drawings too, and she gave me all the pencils as well. Sometimes I play video games—whether they're difficult, contemplative, or competitive—to channel my energy into them. When I can't manage that, I just cry and feel like dying—like jumping from this spot—until exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep, feeling completely drained, with none of it making any sense.
Yes, I don't want to lose any part of her; she represents the meaning of my life. Even if suffering is all I have left of her, I cannot—and do not even want to—let go of that pain and what remains of her... I don't want to move on; I want her by my side every day. I see her everywhere, and I think about her all day long. I can't seem to transform the situation—that is surely the biggest stumbling block: I simply do not want a life without her and without what I feel for her. Whenever I think about something else or dream of other things, I feel like I'm betraying her, even if it's for the sake of the dreams we shared... I'm truly stuck on this, and honestly, I don't even know if I'm hoping for a solution, because I just don't see one.
Regarding the scale, I use a similar system of levels to gauge whether I'm close to the maximum level or not, or if I'm climbing up. Every level on the scale brings suffering; even at the lowest point, I still feel a sense of despair—even though that's when I have the most hope and/or support. The upper levels are the most painful; by the halfway mark, I'm already thinking about the "emergency exit" of suicide. As I climb higher, I find myself considering going to the bridge and jumping. When I'm at the maximum level, the pain is excruciating; the only reason I put it off is my work obligations—otherwise, I'd drive straight to the bridge. I start the day already halfway up the scale—or higher—because I wake up from nightmares about her, the void she's left, and my current life. That feeling of loss and sadness makes me climb higher throughout the morning, and it's hard to come back down without support or some good news that brings me closer to my girlfriend... Three years ago, I was on a heavy course of antidepressants; between the medication and the depression itself, I didn't have the strength to do anything. I spent a year and a half lying in bed—I couldn't even cut my own pills. Nowadays, I only take benzodiazepines to calm myself down a bit, though even my psychiatrist told me there were no further medical solutions and that my life circumstances were simply too harsh. Aside from a long-term maintenance medication—which I refuse to take—I only use benzos to calm down when I wake up, when I want to sleep at night, and sometimes when I feel anxiety rising. I know the solution: reuniting with her—whether now or later—and moving toward that goal. Medication hindered my ability to live my life too much; the last time, it was my girlfriend who helped me and pulled me out of that state.
My mantra of death is rooted in the present and allows me to control what remains of my life. My mantra of life is focused on the future, yet it hangs by a thread. I know the afterlife is a mystery, but I view that unknown as a source of hope; I tell myself I can take the leap—either I die and it all ends, or I reunite with her. Either way, death feels like a win. In contrast, hope in life is tied to the idea of reconnecting with her through dreams, yet ultimately, death is what awaits me at the end. For instance, yesterday I started a project that could allow me to leave my toxic family behind and get closer to my girlfriend. At the end of the day, I thought to myself, "Right, I'm going to tell her; we'll hug and go to the beach together to celebrate"—because this was a project the two of us had shared for eight years. But then reality hit: I was alone in my car, not on my way to see her. I realized that without her, the project brought no joy—it simply made no sense anymore. For the past two weeks, suicidal thoughts have come back with intense force, and my psychologist is on vacation until the end of the summer. My family is away on vacation too, which makes the urge to act on those thoughts feel even stronger and more pressing...
As for my room, the fact that I still haven't brought all my things back in—and that so many of them are just sitting there, unprotected and gathering dust, exactly as they were left nearly a month ago—makes it feel like I'm looking at my life in a ruined garage; it's horrible. Ultimately, I can't bring myself to really settle into the room because we shared so much there—we lived in it together every day for a year before university. It feels like living in the second apartment we had ten years ago; right now, that's impossible for me. Plus, my parents keep knocking on the door to ask me about computer stuff... At first, they used to knock and wait for me to say "come in," but now they knock and just walk right in... I can't lock myself in, even though I could... I hate being locked in.
Today my family put so much pressure on me, they are a big part of anxiety and they search issues everywhere, they live in it... My project lost the meaning yesterday. The anniversary is the 14th august... I have scheduled free time during this week and i think that if nothing change until this moment, i will have to finish what i started. I am not giving up, i tried but what the meaning and suffer like this during 1 or 2 years... I mean yes dreams, hope etc but as a human i see it, i can not handle pain like this and during a long time like it.
So, I'm here writing this message, hide in a corner of the house to avoid anxiety from my parents and i hear them yelling at each other searching to repeat issues without seeing the solution or even searching. I hear again that for us I'm an issue... I heard the same thing from my sister few days ago.
I planned go return to the bridge in 1 week and a half if nothing change. It's too painful and i don't even see the meaning.
I wake up every morning with nightmares, i lost her, I'm lost too, m'y environment is toxic, and the only solution is to manage pain in all of this during years to maintain a hope to live our dreams then died certainly by suicide after. I mean, why am i doing it to myself... I know i had hope this night front of the bridge i strongly believe in it but the gap between the hopes of this night and the way in reality to catch this Hope is too hard i think.
All my days are crying and strong anxiety since 2 weeks even stronger than before. I had no anxiety like this since she left met and since i have to quit my appartement. So i am again in a moment where my brain and survival instinct lead me to suicide as an escape of these nightmares. Before i had doubt sometimes because i said to myself "try" but i tried, yes one day but the feeling of this day, the feeling of get back home with no home and she was not here. I got our professionnal project but at the end of the day it is only a job and not a life. It's not a life for us and not a job for us. Just me with it and nothing else.
Thank you again for the music and yes I'm safe concerning the fire, it was near i lived before so i am worry about my appartement and some of our stuff still in the appartement but no one respond to me when i try to find a way to check...
I went into darkness, I just got another opportunity. Time healed me, it's all inside your mind, it's not that bad as you could think.
Anyways how are you doing?
I started the opportunity that i thought it will be the first step to move towards her but at the end of the day i saw that the meaning of living a project made by two people, alone is painful. Because i don't see the meaning. We had to share this not live it alone and i though it will hold the link with her but i feel like it leads me in a situation of lonelyness. Suicide is always in my mind and without meaning or a change i think the escape plan will be back soon.
Thank you for your message and checking if things get better and share your point of view.
