Yew attempt

[EternalSkies]

I earlier posted a thread where I attempted ingesting tea made on yew(taxus baccata) I did so twice. Im not sure what if anything happened more than stomach issues because I went to the hospital each time (because I wanted to feel safe). I had the thread deleted because I felt self-conscious about not succeeding etc. Im having a hard time seeing how my life will work out now after having spent 4 weeks in psychward where they made the outlook of my future worse in some ways. Although I received a bunch of love and met some lovely people. I even made an aquintance I think. Which was a pleasant surprise

Yesterday I felt hopeful about myself and life. Even today. But it sort of switched now, today. And even when I feel I want to live and feel hopeful. I have problems seeing how things will work out after missing exams and new courses. Not impossible to fix, but hard. Im recovering for suicide attempts and psychward. Not really ready to study yet. So yeah...

Although I do feel hopeful at times and do want to live. I still feel drawn to attempting again. Like a magnetic pull towards it. I can't help myself almost. I know its a bit silly. Its like im addicted. Or I can't stop once I started. I had this happen after my first attempt in 2020. It was hard to stop wanting to do it again, but I succeeded after feeling the temptation for like 2 years. But it was still there all those years and sort of made a comeback in 2022/2023. Somehow I avoided attempting again and held on to hope for so long until now, 2025.

Been to the psych emergency unit 4 times this past week just to avoid doing it. But I mean I can just leave whenever I want etc.

I might attempt again today. I wont consum all 50g of yew (which is very deadly). I will consume about half and let destiny handle the rest. I can't help it. Im not completely sure I will do it. But I might just do it today. And I was much more thorough with the tea this time. Spread the branches evenly in smaller amount of water. More color in the tea. Breathing in the fumes gave me a headache and nausea for 1-3 hours.

Not sure if it will be today. But I might just. I hope everything will be okay regardless what happens. I hope there is an angel or two by my side.
Worst case, I hope I go back be among the stars

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through that.
I also get those rollercoasters of days feeling hopeful and the next in utter desperation. Like you say It's a switch and feels so out of your control. I just try as best I can to hold on hard til the next one. And yeah the future dread is often overwhelming you just gotta look at your feet and stare at the tiny steps or it consumes you. The call to death is always there, some days louder, it's not silly at all and I know It feels anything but silly in those moments. This is all to say I feel you.

I will tell you what I try to tell myself and its that if there is still a part of you that wants to live, a voice of hope somewhere, try and cling to it. Cherish it whenever you can specially when it shines brighter. It's a flame. I try to keep that in mind while I accept that I will often forget it, just for how long it lasts and try to survive while I lack it.

I would not recommend you consume half a dose and leave it to destiny. That does not sound great and could get real awful. If you are unsure, If there is a part of your brain that's leading you to do it that way because of indecision, I think it is best you hold on on that. It is harder to not follow that impulse, to do nothing really, but in cases you are not completely sure I think it is not a good decision to do it that way.
I also hope things can be ok for you regardless, and that some easier days can come your way. Lots of love at ya <333

 

[EternalSkies]

Many wise views that you provide me with. They are inspiring, loving and helpful. But still I can't say what is best for me or what will or won't happen. Its comforting knowing I am not the only one going through the motions. Im glad that you yourself have found that flame and hope to hold on to.

Thanks for wishing me easier days and thanks for the love <3

 

[fallingleaves]

Is it easy to find yew online? I don't have a tree available

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find relief in whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I'm sorry for where you find yourself, you seem unsure and stressed, yet hopeful. From what you say, it sounds like you don't want to die but feel drawn to taking something you know are poisonous but think not enough to end your life. If you are hopeful to live like you say and not really planning to die, I hope you reconsider taking the poison as anything could go wrong, or you could end up visiting the psych ward like before. I hope you find the time to reflect on this, to make the best decision for you at this time, whatever that may be.