Yew attempt

[spero_meliora]

I'm so sorry you're having such scary results - how are you now? Have you had a clear EKG?

Sending you hugs.

 

[EternalSkies]

They have been bad until now. Not fine. But looks better now

I think I May have been close to dying when tge effects felt like being put under and was feeling generally very bad
They said it was worse this time than all others
They said it was worse this time than all others

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

What was the treatment protocol? Did they give you emetics, charcoal or atropine?

I realize it might be hard to put into words what "bad" feels like with this but was there any nausea or internal pain?

 

[EternalSkies]

Nothing but potassium. They just told me my heart has been very bad and I couldve died. It could have stopped at any point apparently.

Intense nausea first 4 hours

 

[spero_meliora]

thank you for reporting back, I'm glad you're (relatively) okay. how are you feeling now? any lasting effects?

 

[EternalSkies]

Heart is still not at regular levels but improving

 

[starlightstarbright]

I hope the physical effects dissipate quickly and you're able to get some rest. That sounds absolutely terrifying to go through.

 

[EternalSkies]

They were worried my heart wouldn't recover. But it has from what it seems recovered fully now. Almost 42 hours later.
I had chatgpt write down some of the symptoms I had during those hours (they appeared on the ekgs)

Symptom/Sign	Meaning
T-wave changes	Repolarization abnormality	Delayed potassium channel recovery
Incomplete right bundle branch block (RBBB)	Delayed conduction in right ventricle
Right axis deviation	Electrical vector altered
QRS prolongation: 150 ms → 136 → 128…	Slowed ventricular conduction
"Intravenous conduction block"	Generalized conduction delay

 

[ChaseTheSun]

First of all Thank you for providing the story and backstory of your attempts. It was really interesting for me to read, because your method really puzzles me. I never heard about it and I find it in a weird sense satisfying to die with the products of nature.

One Question about the psychardward. As far as I understood you went there serveral times. (Disclaimer I was never in one, so I will probably ask weird questions) I guess they know you by now. How long does it take to be released? Can they keep you in at one point because they think you will try it again?

 

[EternalSkies]

First time took 4 weeks to be released from psychward. Then I could be released within hour to 2 days.
Because I made them change the psychiatrist and they understand that forcing me to be there can do more damage than good.
Also think they realized that can't really help me with anything there. And I figured out a way to escape so I was a security risk and extra work for them there

I can practically tell them I'll do something and I'll still be let out at this point

 

[ChaseTheSun]

Wow that sounds like you cracked the code for psychward. :D

 

[EternalSkies]

My conclusion after many attempts and tests using yew.

My weight is between 60kg and 64kg for reference


Amount of yew
---------------------------------
Below 30g - Highly variable effects. But rarely deadly. It's like drawing a ticket
Above 30g - Enough to have clear effects on the heart on a detailed ECG (pretty much everytime)
Above 40g - Very dangerous and nearly lethal. Unpleasant effects on consciousness and motor functions for some time.

If I attempt again i'd still use this method. The last time with around 42g was so much worse. I felt bad in general not as present
and conscious. Had problems controlling my eyes and what I was perceiving. But that part passed after 1-2 hours.

Extreme nausea for 2-4 hours. A lot more nausea than doses lower than 40g. It was unpleasant, scary and hard to persist until it went away.
If one gets past those symptoms which took 4-5 hours last time. It's not bad at all.

But I am also pretty sure I was very close to dying when I had those symptoms. Which EKG also showed at that time



So although it was unpleasant and scary at those moments. I already feel tempted to do this again. What's wrong with me
But I hope I won't do it until october/november. Because there is a bit of hope in my life right now. And if I want to I can always
end things in fall instead

It also seems the effects on consciousness and effects similar to being put under comes with around 40-50g
And I don't mean in a pleasant way. Its like losing your sense of self and consciousness in a hard painful way where you're trying
to stay aware but barely can. I had this effect last for 3 days after accidentally inhalign fumes from 60g yew one time too

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Thanks for documenting your journey.

Going by the pubmeds I've read, some of the people that died the quickest took somewhere between 100-200 grams though there were other's that seemingly took a much smaller amount.

I already feel tempted to do this again. What's wrong with me

I might've said this before but it sounds like you've set up a behavioral pattern. Obvs a very unsafe one but I believe it can be pattern broken with new routines if that's what you want to do.

But I hope I won't do it until october/november. Because there is a bit of hope in my life right now.

If you have a bit of hope, I highly encourage you to run with it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

It also seems the effects on consciousness and effects similar to being put under

In some of the more obscure writings on yew in regards to herbalism and witchcraft, some have proposed that a salve may have been made to apply to the skin and bring one to a near death state for shamanic journeying.

Anyways, I've searched my own conscience and motives in participating in this thread. You've walked the razor's edge for quite awhile now, I would never want to egg you on or be a mere spectator. I just find your path super interesting which has stirred my own research and appreciation for this method. I now easily spot yew's on my daily rounds and they serve as a gentle reminder that I'm not alone and mother nature has provided me a "cure" should life itself become my ultimate ailment.

I hope you do recover even if it's just a postponement where you can find some solace in the world. Don't be a stranger! I'm sure those of us that have been following you would love to hear updates on how you're doing.

 

[EternalSkies]

Thanks for documenting your journey.

Going by the pubmeds I've read, some of the people that died the quickest took somewhere between 100-200 grams though there were other's that seemingly took a much smaller amount.


I might've said this before but it sounds like you've set up a behavioral pattern. Obvs a very unsafe one but I believe it can be pattern broken with new routines if that's what you want to do.

If you have a bit of hope, I highly encourage you to run with it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

In some of the more obscure writings on yew in regards to herbalism and witchcraft, some have proposed that a salve may have been made to apply to the skin and bring one to a near death state for shamanic journeying.

Anyways, I've searched my own conscience and motives in participating in this thread. You've walked the razor's edge for quite awhile now, I would never want to egg you on or be a mere spectator. I just find your path super interesting which has stirred my own research and appreciation for this method. I now easily spot yew's on my daily rounds and they serve as a gentle reminder that I'm not alone and mother nature has provided me a "cure" should life itself become my ultimate ailment.

I hope you do recover even if it's just a postponement where you can find some solace in the world. Don't be a stranger! I'm sure those of us that have been following you would love to hear updates on how you're doing.

Yeah It has become a pattern for better or worse. Some psychologists and doctors have mentioned it seems to be a pattern or that I can't control myself around yew. Or that Im obsessed with it...

Oh I am so into shamanic jouneying. Never done it but now I really want to try what you're suggesting. How is it done?

Yes it's comforting yew is everywhere all year around. Unlike some flowers. It's like mother nature kindly ready to catch on if they need to fall

Im still having a very hard time not doing it again. But I really have to not to. If I do it again I have to do it again because they have demanded I not do it again to get help with some things

btw eating 100g or more would be nearly impossible. I gag already at like 5g. It tastes the worst and makes you feel wrong inside immediately

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Oh I am so into shamanic jouneying. Never done it but now I really want to try what you're suggesting. How is it done?

I mean real shamanic initiation is usually done in a master/apprentice type of relationship within a tribal culture.

Outside of any training, there are guided meditations on youtube focused on shamanic journeying. The one's I've tried were pretty cool and start with going down into a cave. Here's an example of one.

There's a solid amount of communities in Sweden focused on preservation of pagan practices and tradition. There's big organizations, retreats and probably small groups you can find on meetup.com for free.

Im still having a very hard time not doing it again. But I really have to not to. If I do it again I have to do it again because they have demanded I not do it again to get help with some things

If you really wanted to pivot your interest and experiences with yew toward a spiritual direction, I'd say make peace with the plant spirit of the Yew. Thank the yew for being there to help you and also ask it to give you a much needed break to integrate what you've already been through and put it out of your mind a little while.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I'll also add that I've been interested in, studied and experimented with the "poison path spirituality" for may years and even with that I'm only now learning about yew but I'm accumulating some decent resources on the subject.

Unlike psychedelics which are generally physically safe, those that incorporate lethal pants usually tend to do so over many years or even dedicate an lifetime to their study and use. You sort of have a head start over most I would think.

There's a movie from the 90's called "Flatliners" where some university students induce dying and resuscitation on each other to peek into the world of the NDE experience. The ancient shamans used the lethal plants in a similar way. Typically it's nightshades. In the Nordic and Siberian areas Fly Agaric mushrooms are also used but while they make people sick, they're not particularly lethal.

Do you know of the Sámi or Laplander people where you are?

 

[EternalSkies]

So I just had to do something. Everything is complicated and I can't stay away completely from yew still
So I ate 3-6 seeds of yew instead this time. I know some have had severe effects from that and some need 100.
It seems like no one has clearly documented the effects of seeds yet. But im curious to see if they are as potent as some say

I had 6 seeds, but two were on the smaller side and one was big but seemed hollow after drying.

Im not sure what to expect if anything. Maybe they are as potent as some say. But then I'd been eating 40g of yew leafs for nothing last time.. xD

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Im not sure what to expect if anything. Maybe they are as potent as some say. But then I'd been eating 40g of yew leafs for nothing last time.. xD

How did it go? How are you doing?

 

[EternalSkies]

Im fine. They didnt take ekgs regularly they just made sure nothing serious happened this time.

I took 22g today. At home feeling slightly out of breath. But barely noticeable. I don't think I'll die.
But if I don't login again I probably died in sleep or something. This will be true after any attempt if I don't login again

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

The irony of my own journey is that since following this thread I came to find that my family headstone is flanked by yews. They're around 40+ years old and in terrible shape due to snow damage. They also have a lot of lichen on the dead branches and creeping vines strangling them. I went there today to get the last of the vines dug out and prune the branches a bit so they should be happy now. .

It's such a resilient plant as there's new growth at the tips of the nearly dead branches and even near the stump. It will take 10-20 years to fill out again though. There are some very heathy ones pruned in an umbrella shape elsewhere in the cemetery.

 

[Linda]

I think you should take a break from this. How about a couple of months in which you put it out of your mind?

If you were serious about catching the bus you would already be dead. So what are you doing? You are playing silly games. If you don't like me putting it that way, I could phrase it more kindly and say that you are displaying scientific curiosity and conducting some interesting experiments. But they are rather pointless experiments.

Take a break. If you want to come back to this later, that would be your choice. But I think your thoughts on this will be clearer if you do something else for a while.

 

[EternalSkies]

You don't know me, at all
So respectfully fuck off

Im off to use my nitrogen now just to prove you wrong. I don't like the idea of dying in plastic bag on a warm balcony. For someone to find me
But here we go

 

[rainwillneverstop]

I think you should take a break from this. How about a couple of months in which you put it out of your mind?

If you were serious about catching the bus you would already be dead. So what are you doing? You are playing silly games. If you don't like me putting it that way, I could phrase it more kindly and say that you are displaying scientific curiosity and conducting some interesting experiments. But they are rather pointless experiments.

Take a break. If you want to come back to this later, that would be your choice. But I think your thoughts on this will be clearer if you do something else for a while.

yeah "if you wanted to die you would be dead", is quite a dangerous phrase to use on a place like sasu. Please refrain from that.

And OP, CTB is end of your life and not something that should be done to get back at members. I know you crossed it out now, but still thought it was worth mentioning.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

@EternalSkies I hope you don't ctb in reaction to anyone's comments.

No one is the arbiter of if, when or how we leave this word if that's what we choose to do.

If you were serious about catching the bus you would already be dead.

This type of phrasing frames suicide as a challenge to rise or a provocation to take action. If we go in that vein a large amount of posts on SaSu could be met with "just get it over with". The writing process seems to help some people feel heard and not act on impulse.

I get what you're saying from the "tough love" perspective. I've brought up the topic of a behavioral addiction pattern earlier in the thread and the OP seems to understand something like that may be going on. It's not like they haven't gone to the ER and psych wards over and over. Frankly I find it strange the hospital is willing to go through the routine of EEG testing so many times without escalating intervention.

OP - I think most people following this thread are rooting for you and concerned that you've expressed a willingness to live yet continue to take potentially lethal poison plants. Aside from the doctors, is there anyone in your personal life that knows what's going on with you? Are your parents in your life? Siblings? Friends?