Yew attempt

[spero_meliora]

I'm so sorry you're having such scary results - how are you now? Have you had a clear EKG?

Sending you hugs.

 

[EternalSkies]

They have been bad until now. Not fine. But looks better now

I think I May have been close to dying when tge effects felt like being put under and was feeling generally very bad
They said it was worse this time than all others
They said it was worse this time than all others

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

What was the treatment protocol? Did they give you emetics, charcoal or atropine?

I realize it might be hard to put into words what "bad" feels like with this but was there any nausea or internal pain?

 

[EternalSkies]

Nothing but potassium. They just told me my heart has been very bad and I couldve died. It could have stopped at any point apparently.

Intense nausea first 4 hours

 

[spero_meliora]

thank you for reporting back, I'm glad you're (relatively) okay. how are you feeling now? any lasting effects?

 

[EternalSkies]

Heart is still not at regular levels but improving

 

[starlightstarbright]

I hope the physical effects dissipate quickly and you're able to get some rest. That sounds absolutely terrifying to go through.

 

[EternalSkies]

They were worried my heart wouldn't recover. But it has from what it seems recovered fully now. Almost 42 hours later.
I had chatgpt write down some of the symptoms I had during those hours (they appeared on the ekgs)

Symptom/Sign	Meaning
T-wave changes	Repolarization abnormality	Delayed potassium channel recovery
Incomplete right bundle branch block (RBBB)	Delayed conduction in right ventricle
Right axis deviation	Electrical vector altered
QRS prolongation: 150 ms → 136 → 128…	Slowed ventricular conduction
"Intravenous conduction block"	Generalized conduction delay

 

[ChaseTheSun]

First of all Thank you for providing the story and backstory of your attempts. It was really interesting for me to read, because your method really puzzles me. I never heard about it and I find it in a weird sense satisfying to die with the products of nature.

One Question about the psychardward. As far as I understood you went there serveral times. (Disclaimer I was never in one, so I will probably ask weird questions) I guess they know you by now. How long does it take to be released? Can they keep you in at one point because they think you will try it again?

 

[EternalSkies]

First time took 4 weeks to be released from psychward. Then I could be released within hour to 2 days.
Because I made them change the psychiatrist and they understand that forcing me to be there can do more damage than good.
Also think they realized that can't really help me with anything there. And I figured out a way to escape so I was a security risk and extra work for them there

I can practically tell them I'll do something and I'll still be let out at this point

 

[ChaseTheSun]

Wow that sounds like you cracked the code for psychward. :D

 

[EternalSkies]

My conclusion after many attempts and tests using yew.

My weight is between 60kg and 64kg for reference


Amount of yew
---------------------------------
Below 30g - Highly variable effects. But rarely deadly. It's like drawing a ticket
Above 30g - Enough to have clear effects on the heart on a detailed ECG (pretty much everytime)
Above 40g - Very dangerous and nearly lethal. Unpleasant effects on consciousness and motor functions for some time.

If I attempt again i'd still use this method. The last time with around 42g was so much worse. I felt bad in general not as present
and conscious. Had problems controlling my eyes and what I was perceiving. But that part passed after 1-2 hours.

Extreme nausea for 2-4 hours. A lot more nausea than doses lower than 40g. It was unpleasant, scary and hard to persist until it went away.
If one gets past those symptoms which took 4-5 hours last time. It's not bad at all.

But I am also pretty sure I was very close to dying when I had those symptoms. Which EKG also showed at that time



So although it was unpleasant and scary at those moments. I already feel tempted to do this again. What's wrong with me
But I hope I won't do it until october/november. Because there is a bit of hope in my life right now. And if I want to I can always
end things in fall instead

It also seems the effects on consciousness and effects similar to being put under comes with around 40-50g
And I don't mean in a pleasant way. Its like losing your sense of self and consciousness in a hard painful way where you're trying
to stay aware but barely can. I had this effect last for 3 days after accidentally inhalign fumes from 60g yew one time too

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Thanks for documenting your journey.

Going by the pubmeds I've read, some of the people that died the quickest took somewhere between 100-200 grams though there were other's that seemingly took a much smaller amount.

I already feel tempted to do this again. What's wrong with me

I might've said this before but it sounds like you've set up a behavioral pattern. Obvs a very unsafe one but I believe it can be pattern broken with new routines if that's what you want to do.

But I hope I won't do it until october/november. Because there is a bit of hope in my life right now.

If you have a bit of hope, I highly encourage you to run with it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

It also seems the effects on consciousness and effects similar to being put under

In some of the more obscure writings on yew in regards to herbalism and witchcraft, some have proposed that a salve may have been made to apply to the skin and bring one to a near death state for shamanic journeying.

Anyways, I've searched my own conscience and motives in participating in this thread. You've walked the razor's edge for quite awhile now, I would never want to egg you on or be a mere spectator. I just find your path super interesting which has stirred my own research and appreciation for this method. I now easily spot yew's on my daily rounds and they serve as a gentle reminder that I'm not alone and mother nature has provided me a "cure" should life itself become my ultimate ailment.

I hope you do recover even if it's just a postponement where you can find some solace in the world. Don't be a stranger! I'm sure those of us that have been following you would love to hear updates on how you're doing.

 

[EternalSkies]

Thanks for documenting your journey.

Going by the pubmeds I've read, some of the people that died the quickest took somewhere between 100-200 grams though there were other's that seemingly took a much smaller amount.


I might've said this before but it sounds like you've set up a behavioral pattern. Obvs a very unsafe one but I believe it can be pattern broken with new routines if that's what you want to do.

If you have a bit of hope, I highly encourage you to run with it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

In some of the more obscure writings on yew in regards to herbalism and witchcraft, some have proposed that a salve may have been made to apply to the skin and bring one to a near death state for shamanic journeying.

Anyways, I've searched my own conscience and motives in participating in this thread. You've walked the razor's edge for quite awhile now, I would never want to egg you on or be a mere spectator. I just find your path super interesting which has stirred my own research and appreciation for this method. I now easily spot yew's on my daily rounds and they serve as a gentle reminder that I'm not alone and mother nature has provided me a "cure" should life itself become my ultimate ailment.

I hope you do recover even if it's just a postponement where you can find some solace in the world. Don't be a stranger! I'm sure those of us that have been following you would love to hear updates on how you're doing.

Yeah It has become a pattern for better or worse. Some psychologists and doctors have mentioned it seems to be a pattern or that I can't control myself around yew. Or that Im obsessed with it...

Oh I am so into shamanic jouneying. Never done it but now I really want to try what you're suggesting. How is it done?

Yes it's comforting yew is everywhere all year around. Unlike some flowers. It's like mother nature kindly ready to catch on if they need to fall

Im still having a very hard time not doing it again. But I really have to not to. If I do it again I have to do it again because they have demanded I not do it again to get help with some things

btw eating 100g or more would be nearly impossible. I gag already at like 5g. It tastes the worst and makes you feel wrong inside immediately

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Oh I am so into shamanic jouneying. Never done it but now I really want to try what you're suggesting. How is it done?

I mean real shamanic initiation is usually done in a master/apprentice type of relationship within a tribal culture.

Outside of any training, there are guided meditations on youtube focused on shamanic journeying. The one's I've tried were pretty cool and start with going down into a cave. Here's an example of one.

There's a solid amount of communities in Sweden focused on preservation of pagan practices and tradition. There's big organizations, retreats and probably small groups you can find on meetup.com for free.

Im still having a very hard time not doing it again. But I really have to not to. If I do it again I have to do it again because they have demanded I not do it again to get help with some things

If you really wanted to pivot your interest and experiences with yew toward a spiritual direction, I'd say make peace with the plant spirit of the Yew. Thank the yew for being there to help you and also ask it to give you a much needed break to integrate what you've already been through and put it out of your mind a little while.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I'll also add that I've been interested in, studied and experimented with the "poison path spirituality" for may years and even with that I'm only now learning about yew but I'm accumulating some decent resources on the subject.

Unlike psychedelics which are generally physically safe, those that incorporate lethal pants usually tend to do so over many years or even dedicate an lifetime to their study and use. You sort of have a head start over most I would think.

There's a movie from the 90's called "Flatliners" where some university students induce dying and resuscitation on each other to peek into the world of the NDE experience. The ancient shamans used the lethal plants in a similar way. Typically it's nightshades. In the Nordic and Siberian areas Fly Agaric mushrooms are also used but while they make people sick, they're not particularly lethal.

Do you know of the Sámi or Laplander people where you are?

 

[EternalSkies]

So I just had to do something. Everything is complicated and I can't stay away completely from yew still
So I ate 3-6 seeds of yew instead this time. I know some have had severe effects from that and some need 100.
It seems like no one has clearly documented the effects of seeds yet. But im curious to see if they are as potent as some say

I had 6 seeds, but two were on the smaller side and one was big but seemed hollow after drying.

Im not sure what to expect if anything. Maybe they are as potent as some say. But then I'd been eating 40g of yew leafs for nothing last time.. xD

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Im not sure what to expect if anything. Maybe they are as potent as some say. But then I'd been eating 40g of yew leafs for nothing last time.. xD

How did it go? How are you doing?

 

[EternalSkies]

Im fine. They didnt take ekgs regularly they just made sure nothing serious happened this time.

I took 22g today. At home feeling slightly out of breath. But barely noticeable. I don't think I'll die.
But if I don't login again I probably died in sleep or something. This will be true after any attempt if I don't login again

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

The irony of my own journey is that since following this thread I came to find that my family headstone is flanked by yews. They're around 40+ years old and in terrible shape due to snow damage. They also have a lot of lichen on the dead branches and creeping vines strangling them. I went there today to get the last of the vines dug out and prune the branches a bit so they should be happy now. .

It's such a resilient plant as there's new growth at the tips of the nearly dead branches and even near the stump. It will take 10-20 years to fill out again though. There are some very heathy ones pruned in an umbrella shape elsewhere in the cemetery.

 

[Linda]

I think you should take a break from this. How about a couple of months in which you put it out of your mind?

If you were serious about catching the bus you would already be dead. So what are you doing? You are playing silly games. If you don't like me putting it that way, I could phrase it more kindly and say that you are displaying scientific curiosity and conducting some interesting experiments. But they are rather pointless experiments.

Take a break. If you want to come back to this later, that would be your choice. But I think your thoughts on this will be clearer if you do something else for a while.

 

[EternalSkies]

You don't know me, at all
So respectfully fuck off

Im off to use my nitrogen now just to prove you wrong. I don't like the idea of dying in plastic bag on a warm balcony. For someone to find me
But here we go

 

[rainwillneverstop]

I think you should take a break from this. How about a couple of months in which you put it out of your mind?

If you were serious about catching the bus you would already be dead. So what are you doing? You are playing silly games. If you don't like me putting it that way, I could phrase it more kindly and say that you are displaying scientific curiosity and conducting some interesting experiments. But they are rather pointless experiments.

Take a break. If you want to come back to this later, that would be your choice. But I think your thoughts on this will be clearer if you do something else for a while.

yeah "if you wanted to die you would be dead", is quite a dangerous phrase to use on a place like sasu. Please refrain from that.

And OP, CTB is end of your life and not something that should be done to get back at members. I know you crossed it out now, but still thought it was worth mentioning.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

@EternalSkies I hope you don't ctb in reaction to anyone's comments.

No one is the arbiter of if, when or how we leave this word if that's what we choose to do.

If you were serious about catching the bus you would already be dead.

This type of phrasing frames suicide as a challenge to rise or a provocation to take action. If we go in that vein a large amount of posts on SaSu could be met with "just get it over with". The writing process seems to help some people feel heard and not act on impulse.

I get what you're saying from the "tough love" perspective. I've brought up the topic of a behavioral addiction pattern earlier in the thread and the OP seems to understand something like that may be going on. It's not like they haven't gone to the ER and psych wards over and over. Frankly I find it strange the hospital is willing to go through the routine of EEG testing so many times without escalating intervention.

OP - I think most people following this thread are rooting for you and concerned that you've expressed a willingness to live yet continue to take potentially lethal poison plants. Aside from the doctors, is there anyone in your personal life that knows what's going on with you? Are your parents in your life? Siblings? Friends?

 

[EternalSkies]

I calmed down now later. I put the nitrogen idea down. Because it has to be my own decision how and when I go
I was about this evening gathering foxglove and yew to try to recreate the most dangerous attempt. But for the moment I calmed down
But as I write it I get the urge to do it. I have it all ready for another attempt. But im not allowed to do it for 3 months etc.. Every time I do it
I have to do it again. The situation is more complicated and complex after the first two attempts because of what came with it. Apparently people
in healthcare get scared of dealing with people like me that do suicidal actions regularly said one psychologist (goes for all of them apparently)

My family is aware. But not much they can do.

I am trying to have the power to live on and try on. But after the first two attempts they have made things harder for me.
Each time I do it I have more reason to die because of their requirements. So I feel like each time I do it. Why should I go on?
Nobody helping me in truth with the core issue. And barely the symptom of it. Which is suicidal acts and selfharm with toxic plants

I may be getting the ability to admit myself for a few days a month soon. And possibly DBT further into fall (i think?)
But its just to fix the symptoms. Honestly I don't know how this is ending. But sometimes I just want to fall asleep and let go of this life and hope for a new start or nothing. At times I have just enough strength to keep going forward. I am essentially fighting myself, but it's not only because of me

I ended up at a personality disorder center. After being balled around different places after my attempts. No one said I had their problems. So I ended up there.
I think because they have more time and resources. And some think I react too strongly by suicide acts. I don't agree. But they are supposed to help me avoid selfharm/suicidal acts. I think the main focus is for now at least. But its still early.

I don't know how to do this
I can't help to think maybe once I die a realize I was worried too much about living. When in reality it meant nothing when I am dead and gone


Honestly I think I need a little angel by my side. So every time I have to do it. It could hold my hand and stop me

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I calmed down now later

Well that's good!

But as I write it I get the urge to do it.

At this point it's clear to me that you're stuck in a behavioral cycle. You've expressed wanting to recover more than once and then "relapse" in a self harm context more than a suicide attempt. I HIGHY RECOMMEND getting rid of any remaining plants you've harvested including the last batch.

I would hate for you to come to a place of recovery only to face permanent heath problems related to plant taking.

Nobody helping me in truth with the core issue.

Just about all your post history here is about methods. We don't know what diagnosis, conditions or life situations you are dealing with. If you feel comfortable, maybe make a separate thread outside of this discussion regarding your method? You can do it in the Sanctuary section of you want it more private.

Your country's healthcare system is alien to me. Who are setting "conditions" for you moving forward? If I understand correctly, you are expected to stop taking the plant in order to receive treatment down the road? This is a bit of a catch-22 since the behavioral problem of taking the pant has turned into something that itself needs treating. What can they do now?

Apparently people
in healthcare get scared of dealing with people like me that do suicidal actions regularly said one psychologist

This is a matter of human nature and professionalism. No one want's to be that last doctor that worked with you and be on the hook if you ctb. Regardless of of their competency, from the outside looking in they fear being viewed as the doctor that failed to save you. If they are truly caring person, they fear the regret of not having done enough.

You mentioned core issues and symptoms. Right now you have the acute self-harm issue that's priority. You can't scratch the surface of the other stuff when you're back and forth to the hospital, recovering a few days and rinse/repeating the same cycle.

I have learned a lot from you in this thread. However, I now fear that engaging on the subject of the plant specifically may feed your thoughts/obsession on the subject which leads to self-harm behavior which I don't want to encourage. We already now enough about the plant at this point anyway.

So I ended up there.
I think because they have more time and resources.

If they have resources to dedicate more time to you, go for it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"Honestly I think I need a little angel by my side. So every time I have to do it. It could hold my hand and stop me"

Maybe something already looked out for you? If you fee ie it's something you "have" to do, that's a compulsion and all the more reason to circumvent the process.

 

[EternalSkies]

About every fourth attempt I do is a suicide attempt though. One doctor said they diagnosed me with cronic suicidality but no one told me. Don't know what to think

Thanks for your well written and caring responses. I'll read them through more tomorrow

 

[EternalSkies]

Honestly I romanitize getting permanent heart damage. Then I'll have to die. And I can get ready to part off without it being sudden.
Maybe just fade away in my own time while also coming to terms with it and knowing that is what will happen. I can't throw out the leafs. They comfort me and give me freedom. I feel safe with them

They also stated they don't know how this may affect me in longterm etc. And been worried I may cause permanent damage several times. I know I read at least one report of a young person whose heart got permanently affected so they let her go in her coma.

They are keeping some information from me. I found out. Which makes me upset. Probably because im suicidal they don't think I can handle transparency cause I'd kill myself. So I don't know exactly who or why are setting those conditions. But sometimes I meet a unaware doctor who will tell me without knowing no one told me something or kept it from me

Isn't wanting not to be the last doctor a bad idea? That means no one is actually willing to try and help me and save me. Isn't that the opposite of what doctors are supposed to do. Try to help someone in dire need

The self-harm could easily be solved if they help me or show strong intentions of helping me with my core issues. They know that, but still..

God I wanna do it right now. But I have an appointment tomorrow which I'll miss if im in the hospital or likewise. They're supposed to make a crisis plan with me or something..
Although last evening I was feeling totally fine with living for an hour or two

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Honestly I romanitize getting permanent heart damage. Then I'll have to die. And I can get ready to part off without it being sudden.

I think I got the mod edited version of your post. Anyways, it sounds like you're doing reverse psychology on yourself by backing yourself into a corner of inescapable consequences. Not exactly a heathy approach.

Isn't wanting not to be the last doctor a bad idea? That means no one is actually willing to try and help me and save me. Isn't that the opposite of what doctors are supposed to do. Try to help someone in dire need

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just something I've observed. Even professionals can get cold feet under certain scenarios.

The self-harm could easily be solved if they help me or show strong intentions of helping me with my core issues. They know that, but still..

That's just the thing though. Between what you said here, orchestrating circumstances to make ctb the only feasible option, wanting a angel to stop you, you're putting the locus for control external to yourself. You have to be involved in your own recovery and it not be entirely contingent on how strong their intentions are which is outside of your control. Maybe the dr's are picking up on this and it's a factor in their hesitancy. If it's as easy to treat the self harm as you say but you're just awaiting a certain type of response, that's a control thing which is def a factor in SH and OCD. They can't fix that w/o your participation.

God I wanna do it right now. But I have an appointment tomorrow which I'll miss if im in the hospital or likewise. They're supposed to make a crisis plan with me or something..

I hope you hold out and make your appointment. You have a complex mindset going on. 99% of the people using this site are deathly afraid of the consequences from a botched attempt and here you are courting it in some ways.

It's frustrating to onlookers, even here with the other poster scolding you and the thread now under the watchful eye of the mods. If you substituted cutting for the pant taking, this thread would've been shut down at this point because SaSu can't in good conscience be a platform that endorses SH, even passively. Recovery will probably take a new level of commitment and behavioral changes that take your life in a new direction. It's the 'death' of an old way of life, a new chapter if you will. I hope you turn the page on this and move forward with your life.

 

[EternalSkies]

KaliYuga I posted the backstory. But I posted a private conversation which wasn't allowed. If you read it maybe you'd understand (my more issues etc)
Im having internal control by doing everything I can to help myself all these years. Now im taking my power and chosing to play russian roulette with my life
I have as much too lose and win.

The backstory is a lot more complicated. My family understands it completely as they know whats been going on. They understand

I honestly feel good doing these acts even if they fail. The pain sort of blends with the actions and cancel out things

Its only a blend of suicidal acts and selfharm. Im having a playdate with death I guess. And its not bad
Im curious if I'll ever reach the point of temporary cardiac arrest


Btw the doctors literally created this situation. I asked them not to. But it is what it is
I even waited years to give them the chance and benefit of doubt


Aww fuck this. Nobody here knows nothing yet trying to make sense of things they don't know at all
Im leaving this thread. This life. All of it