Discussion Why haven’t you committed yet?

[goodoldnoname923]

Interesting question to ask y'all how long have you all been suicidal for how long have you genuinely considered or planner it and why haven't you gone through with it yet?

Hope? Fear? Lack of resources? Not knowing or having a way to go?

What are your reasons i'm just genuinely curious

 

[mindhasmtns]

been thinking/wanting to for years and have gotten to the planning stage a few times and am just never satisfied with the options. like I've suffered so much already, i don't want to suffer as i die, too. but the main reason i haven't is my pets. i refuse to abandon them the way everyone has abandoned me. idk what I'll do when they're all gone... sometimes i sort of look forward to not having anymore reasons to stay, though.

 

[unabletocope]

A number of reasons, the main being I'm endlessly in a state of trying to make sense of myself. I know I want to die but there's still things I feel I could have done differently, I could have handled differently, what should I have done instead of what I did? I will never come to terms with what happened which is why I want to die, but there's still an exhausting part of me that tries to work out instead of I did do, could I have specifically kept things going with people? Would it have worked? Would I have gotten what I wanted if I did that instead of this? Should I have kept certain things going instead of putting myself at risk? Was I really that socially awkward?

I think at this point the answer is so obvious that I made things worse when I was in a position to do things differently that everything has gone wrong out of those fatal choices, and nothing can be put back together now. The more I wrestle this out, the clearer I become, and when I hit that horizon, as flat as I can get it, then I will kill myself. I am suffering too much out of the wreckage that I can't go on, and suicide will be my release. It will hurt people around me, but I know the longer I stay alive like this, unable to change and battered down in life as a hopeless pathetic embarrassment I only hurt people around me more than anything, so it's for the best

 

[rowboat]

I have a plan to ctb on April 30th, but I'm thinking of delaying it, reason being I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I want to give it a while to see if actually having money makes me feel better. In that case, I'd probably attempt at the end of the summer.

I hate myself for this, that the one thing MAYBE keeping me alive is potential money. Not my cat, who is my best and only friend and wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't around, or my father, who is suicidal himself and would be heartbroken if I committed.

 

[Agon321]

Fear and uncertainty, of course.

I will definitely commit CTB (unless the world kills me first).
I'm just waiting until I hit a wall and have no choice.

Last year I decided that I definitely wanted CTB.
I stand by this decision.
In my case, this is the most logical option.
I summarized the pros and cons of my decision.
The advantages won.

I can't escape death, so I want to call for it myself ;)

 

[jacobryan]

Fear. Uncertain if I'd succeed. The trauma it would cause my family and friends.

 

[billie]

I'm waiting for the right time

 

[divinemistress87]

I'm afraid of becoming a vegetable and I have cognitive issues so most the methods on here are to confusing to figure out and SN in USA seems impossible to get

 

[sserafim]

I'm scared of failing and being left with permanent damage

 

[Malaria]

Combination of fear of messing up and becoming permanently disabled and hope that things can get better for me. I also don't want to hurt my loved ones.

 

[Chronosphere]

Low energy. Fear.

 

[manic-dream]

My boyfriend and family are big ones. They love and care about me so much and me with them and they have all loved me the same at my complete worst. They do anything they can do support me now and planning into the future. I honestly dont want to hurt them that bad with my suicide when I've gotten so much love, care, and support. It's hard to do that to them too because I'm afraid they will still think badly of themselves no matter how things actually are and what they have done to help. i want to be alive for them still even though it sucks.

I also haven't committed yet because I still have the small hope I can do some things I want to like going outside alone one day. I just want some actual independence before a do it because it would be sad for me if i didn't

 

[Unknown21]

I have been suicidal since the age of 8. I started actually planning this time last year. I have not tried yet because I am afraid of failure and the survival instinct prevents me and I cannot find a suitable place to do it, but I am about to do it and I hope to try this month.

 

[Chacha]

All my life. But in the past 2 years I am extremely suicidal as there is nothing for me on this earth. I am almost 60 year old, I do not have friends, family, a job, decent income, proper home and I have worked very hard, helped other people and nobody cares about me only I received destructive criticism. I cannot stand people being happy meanwhile me I am hopeless and the only individual that does not deserve a second chance. In Canada this past March it was planned to have medically assisted death for mental illness, but they delayed 3 more years, shame on politicians and health care system. THey are a bunch of hyprocrits. they want recognition of their job by let people suffer. THis was my only chance to open up about assisted suicide, and was taken away from me. The only goal I have in this life is to die I will not live past 60. I am rehearsing my death as there is nothing for me in this earth as long as my demands are met.

I'm scared of failing and being left with permanent damage

I am with you. But now I no longer care, even being permanently damaged I will try to manage on my own until I am gone

 

[Sarros]

Kind of shallow but it's mostly just a string of planning and lining some stuff up in the near future to distract and entertain myself with.
Like a video game I want to play later in the year or the conclusion to some TV series I'm watching. Or planning a trip.
If I ever can't motivate myself to do that or lose interest in anything is when I'd probably go.

 

[tbroken]

Idk, i still have hope i can find a nice girl and get better with my passions. I gathered my CTB resources, so if I wont succeed in anything, my plan B will always be there waiting for me. As long as i have control over my body and mind and some funds, it is not over yet.

 

[thealteredmind]

I said I will give myself this year as a "last try" and that's exactly what I'm doing. I don't want to be preparing the rope and thinking "but I haven't tried this or this" but the truth is there's not a lot to try actually... just 1-2 things.

also because maybe when this year ends I recover from some of my symptoms... but I don't see happening.

 

[Thx4DFish]

Mine is self imposed and a promise to hold off until my "scheduled" day. I'm going to remain patient and not break promises like the people around me have. Upcoming vacation soon, Plus a ton of planning that I found more tedious, but it's better to take my possessions to the grave. Wiping devices, deleting accounts, etc. It may be in vain but hey, better safe than sorry.

 

[sserafim]

fear of messing up and becoming permanently disabled

Same. That would suck. I hate how ctb is so risky

I am with you. But now I no longer care, even being permanently damaged I will try to manage on my own until I am gone

I don't want to be left disabled if I fail an attempt. I would hate to be paralyzed or stuck as a vegetable. That's the main reason why I haven't attempted yet

 

[Pikmin]

I want to do it in a hotel, but planning for a date and 10 hour time frame to die is daunting. I'm also afraid of failing and getting brain damage, and of what happens after death.

 

[Echo]

Every method has its risks of becoming disabled if your unable to ctb. I couldnt imagine being left in chronic pain or being paralysed. I'd hate to not be able to look after myself and having to rely on others to care for me. Also the fear of what comes after death if anything at all.

 

[FuneralCry]

Not having the option to die in peace in a guaranteed way. I really despise this hellish anti-suicide society where humans make suicide so inaccessible, I wish that Nembutal is available, it'd prevent so much unnecessary suffering. Also I'd fear trying to die potentially going wrong and leading to way worse torture, it's horrifying how people have ended up with brain damage from trying to die going wrong.
It's just beyond unacceptable how we cannot just have the option to peacefully die without any risks and complications even know we are all just waiting to die anyway in this meaningless existence where there's no limit as to how torturous it can get.

 

[Anonymous2998691]

Survival instinct, it's crazy to think that if I just sat still for 5 minutes I wouldn't be here right now. I was 5 minutes away from death.

 

[etherealgoddess]

Interesting question to ask y'all how long have you all been suicidal for how long have you genuinely considered or planner it and why haven't you gone through with it yet?

Hope? Fear? Lack of resources? Not knowing or having a way to go?

What are your reasons i'm just genuinely curious

The survival instinct, that small voice inside me urging me to strive towards self-improvement and reach my life's ambitions, is equally matched by the primal fear of mortality and the thought of leaving my family behind. I also feel bad for my fiancé but think that he'd get over me in a couple of years and then move on.

 

[sadman710]

That slow motion tunnel vision feeling that if I go forward its all over, I'm all over, and there's no coming back.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I'm giving the doctors one last go at fixing me before CTB.

 

[loslassen]

I just feel like it'd be such a waste… I do want to keep on living and do good things, but, I just can't, I don't have the same starting point as others, I'm not even mercifully poor. I don't belong anywhere, I don't have a family or own a house like most of the poorest people do and start from and just push forward because they want to live.

 

[Lost Impact]

quite a few things.

1. the small pathetic hope i still cling to that maybe one day it will get better. what an idiot. it won't. it hasn't and it won't. i'm just stupid.

2. purposeful loss of conscious thought. i can't comphrehend "nothing". it helps to think about the fact thousands of years existed before i did and what did that feel like? idk. i wasn't there.

3. coincides with 2. there's small things i enjoy and i will never be able to enjoy them again when im gone. at least if i died by something unpredicatable i wouldn't feel like i took that from myself.

4. big one. police investigation. i don't want them snooping around my phone or pc and bothering my friends or something. they can crack passwords. hopefully if i leave an in-depth enough note, no investigation would be necessary. i just want them to shove off. i don't want my stalkers to know i've died and since they're all online, they hopefully never will. i just suddenly disappeared one day...never to be seen again.

it WAS a lack of resources too, but. i've fortunately found a couple of methods within reach that'll definitely work.

i just need one push.

 

[Forveleth]

I've been gaslighting myself for 25 years that things will get better (honestly it was my parents telling me this and my dumb ass just kept believing then) even though I've been ready to die the whole time. About 18ish months ago i decided I had had enough and started planning. Since then I've had a few false starts and some failed attempts. I learned it takes practice and patience so I'm currently practicing for my next attempt because I want to get this right. I am ready to go though!

 

[random_user]

Being afraid of failing in a way that makes it impossible to attempt again.
Also not wanting to traumatize family and friends, which is why I wanna try to get suicide assistance first to better my conscience. Cause then at least I'll have tried to minimize the effect on others.