Discussion Why haven’t you committed yet?

[NeverGonnaEscape]

The methods available to me are unreliable and painful and slow so I guess I'm just going to have to wait until I'm homeless in a couple months. I'm in poor physical condition and won't make it on the street one way or another. Either I'll finally get strong enough to take a painful way out or I'll die in the street. Maybe I'll make some addict friends along the way who can help.

 

[Samalam]

Mostly the uncertainty of not having a good method. If I had n or something that could kill me reliably and painlessly, I would. But i don't want to try blowing my brains out and end up living but disfigured/disabled. I've seen people fuck up their aim and end up paralyzed from the neck down. As miserable as I am, if I have to continue existing, I prefer to have some agency. If I can't move, I won't be able to attempt anymore, and I doubt my friends or family would assist.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

This honestly may become a megathread at this point wtf have i created

 

[DavidInternet]

Interesting question to ask y'all how long have you all been suicidal for how long have you genuinely considered or planner it and why haven't you gone through with it yet?

Hope? Fear? Lack of resources? Not knowing or having a way to go?

What are your reasons i'm just genuinely curious

Good questions. Been suicidal since I was 15; now 38. At first, it was probably survival instinct - for the best, as kept fantasising about throwing myself from heights that were too small and would've probably just paralysed me. Then it was: "I'll wait until such-and-such an age when some musician I like tragically killed himself at a young age." Again, very immature. Then when I turned it was: "I'll kill myself by by 40 if I don't have a wife and kids by then." Now, it's the same but instead of "by 40" it's "by the time my parents die".

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Some (likely false) hope is still there. And guilt about leaving my beloved cats behind

 

[kilowatt]

Well, I did. Multiple times. It just didn't work as planned. I like to think I was close on a few occasions.

 

[arnxxx]

I've been having suicidal thoughts for not that long. It only gotten this bad a few weeks. So I'm not on the point of seriously considering CTB. I ended up here though... I read most ctb guides and it comforts me in a way that there is a way to end it all. No easy way and my SI is probably very strong. But my depression is too. I'm so fucking done with feeling like this for no reason

 

[Zanmato]

Sometimes, I think about it, but maybe those thought are not strong enough.
Even so, sometimes I'm just so tired, guess you here know this feeling.
And yet, I'm still afraid
Maybe to fail, maybe because of the unkown of the "other side"

 

[Myexit]

Don't have the sources to supply me with the SN I want to use as my ctb method.
I want to have a supply so I can live in the knowledge if it all gets too much I cant just ctb.
If I can't get SN I have to await better weather to do the charcoal in tent method whilst totally out of it on benzos and wine.
Either way, I'm out of this shitty world as soon as I can
Forgot to add, I have a cat who hates everyone except me so finding him new home is my main priority. He's the main focus of my life for the last 8 years. Have to rehome him as heart breaking it will be it's for the best as I would never abandon him, he's my baby.

 

[Spoonful]

I'm just waiting until things get to a breaking point. My physical condition has been getting worse but it's still manageable right now. I also haven't landed on a method yet but I have some time to figure that out

 

[LunarLight]

Been suicidal for 15 years. Been genuinely considering it for a few weeks. Haven't gone through with it yet because 1) didn't have the resources for it (although I ordered them yesterday, so that could change if it's not a scam) 2) I don't wanna leave my partner alone 3) I feel like I haven't exhausted all the options (haven't tried rTMS or ECT yet). My partner is gonna call a clinic today which offers rTMS and ECT, if they don't let me in or if it doesn't work, I don't know what to do.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I want to make sure this is absolutely what I want. I'm only going to heavily consider and do an attempt if I feel all true hope is lost. If there is one tiny thing that keeps me alright, I guess I'll cling onto life for now.

While SI is a decent preventative, I've heard a decent amount of stories where people's last regrets in surviving or succumbing to an attempt is instant regret of the action. Like they want to live but in too much pain to find comfort in life. I'm one of those people.

It's not like my suicidal thoughts are something new, it started back in 2014, almost 10 years. The only thing that's changed was the reasoning to do so, which at the moment is recalling CSA and other traumatizing events that make me uncomfortable with my body. I'd consider my first suicidal thoughts to trace back to it while my mind was blocking it however.

 

[livinginthedreams]

Im scared, really really scared.. what will it be like? Till now Ive always had hope one day somebody would see my pain and talk to me, but that never happened. The pain has been going on for years and i want it to stop. Nobody cares and im so stupid for only realising that now.

 

[Anonymous2998691]

what... happened there?

I put the exit bag over my head, all ready to go and sat for maybe 20 seconds before I took it off and started crying saying "I don't want to die, I don't want to die...".

I'm using a gun this time, the best part is all I need to get is a single bullet since my family already has an unsupervised gun in another house that I visit.

 

[thealteredmind]

I put the exit bag over my head, all ready to go and sat for maybe 20 seconds before I took it off and started crying saying "I don't want to die, I don't want to die...".

I'm using a gun this time, the best part is all I need to get is a single bullet since my family already has an unsupervised gun in another house that I visit.

I don't know what to tell, you sending you a virtual hug.

 

[LevUwU]

Because I want to go out on my own terms.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I have days where I feel like life is worth living and days I want to die. So i basically say I'm going to die anyway so might as well just take it day by day and see what I can get.

Also I'm afraid of reincarnating into a worse situation. If I'm depressed I at least can say I am in a world that I understand. If I ctb I might wake up in world I don't know at all, and where I will have even less good things.

 

[Braqs]

I've struggled and tried to CTB repeatedly since I was seven. I'm now 41, living with chronic and severe anorexia and BPD, as well as permanent physical complications resulting from them (osteoporosis is no joke). Several past attempts to CTB have been extremely serious, but aside from those I've aborted because, quite frankly, I've wanted to do it on my own terms after a long period of contemplation - in other words, not as a result of my extremely impulsive tendencies.

While I know I've finally reached that point, and accepted it, it's been a long road to meet those requirements.

 

[BlankFace]

Mostly due to the practical side of it - struggling to find the required resources.

 

[winterbear]

dont have a lot of options

dont want to have a failed attempt just want to wait until i can get good chance of success

i wish i could have already died recently it feels awful to still be alive

 

[6_6]

one time i saw on here [roughly]:

... "You dont want to end up like a vegetable"

maybe it's being too scared to really try again. have only ever tried od.
kinda felt like maybe not being alone in these feelings would be a reason to press on, to strive to help people who feel like suicide is the only answer.
i thought my purpose here might be tied to that cause.

i also have little brothers i love very much, and a kitty... they've been my "why" i can keep going... to maybe show them some magical come back & come up.. but now i feel irredeemable, or unworthy of a happy ending sometimes.

 

[DavidInternet]

Interesting question to ask y'all how long have you all been suicidal for how long have you genuinely considered or planner it and why haven't you gone through with it yet?

Hope? Fear? Lack of resources? Not knowing or having a way to go?

What are your reasons i'm just genuinely curious

Sorry about the long reply, but this thread has got me thinking.

When you think about it, the majority of people who use this forum - and suicidal people generally - aren't 100% suicidal. A 100% suicidal person is a dead one.

Even people who jump from height, mid-fall, are not necessarily 100% suicidal. The Bridge is an interesting film. They make a good point re the majority of Golden Gate Bridge jumpers instinctively flailing their arms about, trying to grab something that isn't there to save themselves.

If all suicidal people were 100% suicidal, this forum wouldn't have many members. But it does, and it's very active in terms of posts. If everyone on this forum was truly committed to suicide, the forum wouldn't really function.

Almost everyone has the means to take their own life in as quick a way as possible. Simply travel to a high cliff or bridge, ensure nobody is below, and jump. The cost of the journey doesn't matter, as you'll be dead after making it.

Nobody can really tell how painful - regardless of the speed - death actually is, as none of us have died.

The vast majority of us have the ability to take our own lives - only in incredibly rare circumstances is "assisted suicide" necessary.

Only a small minority of posts on this forum are "goodbye threads", making me ponder whether the vast majority of suicidal people don't actually kill themselves. Please note this isn't me encouraging people to take their own lives.

We all post on this forum for different reasons, and it must be helpful to us or we wouldn't do it.

Maybe it's just as much of an emotional support and mutual therapy group as it is one where people can get actual practical advice about how to kill themselves.

But respect to those who do go through with it. I recently followed the thread of a 35-year-old woman who could've clung on to making something out of her life despite her dwindling opportunities of childbirth. But still she did it. She saw the possibilities of "wine aunt" or "cat lady" ahead, and she was like "fuck it". Love her for that.

Sorry about the long reply, but this thread has got me thinking.

When you think about it, the majority of people who use this forum - and suicidal people generally - aren't 100% suicidal. A 100% suicidal person is a dead one.

Even people who jump from height, mid-fall, are not necessarily 100% suicidal. The Bridge is an interesting film. They make a good point re the majority of Golden Gate Bridge jumpers instinctively flailing their arms about, trying to grab something that isn't there to save themselves.

If all suicidal people were 100% suicidal, this forum wouldn't have many members. But it does, and it's very active in terms of posts. If everyone on this forum was truly committed to suicide, the forum wouldn't really function.

Almost everyone has the means to take their own life in as quick a way as possible. Simply travel to a high cliff or bridge, ensure nobody is below, and jump. The cost of the journey doesn't matter, as you'll be dead after making it.

Nobody can really tell how painful - regardless of the speed - death actually is, as none of us have died.

The vast majority of us have the ability to take our own lives - only in incredibly rare circumstances is "assisted suicide" necessary.

Only a small minority of posts on this forum are "goodbye threads", making me ponder whether the vast majority of suicidal people don't actually kill themselves. Please note this isn't me encouraging people to take their own lives.

We all post on this forum for different reasons, and it must be helpful to us or we wouldn't do it.

Maybe it's just as much of an emotional support and mutual therapy group as it is one where people can get actual practical advice about how to kill themselves.

But respect to those who do go through with it. I recently followed the thread of a 35-year-old woman who could've clung on to making something out of her life despite her dwindling opportunities of childbirth. But still she did it. She saw the possibilities of "wine aunt" or "cat lady" ahead, and she was like "fuck it". Love her for that.

But equally, that's the problem with suicide. Much of the time we do it to make some kind of a point. And if we don't, we probably should to ensure we're remembered as we'd like people to remember us. We view ourselves as "fade to black" - like the famous Metallica song - on a stage. But after we die, we have no say about what people make of our lives, whatever note we may leave. The living can use the lives we had to further their own interests, and we have no control over that.

 

[astrichaoz]

Mainly due to the fact it would be hard for me to at the moment. My last attempt was the one that landed me in the hospital, so now my family is on high alert. Plus that last attempt made me realize it's best for me to commit suicide not at home. I'm waiting till I move out to dorms to order materials again and then attempt again

 

[LiefLeven<3]

I need to figure out where to procure from, otherwise I still feel like preparing some things :p

 

[wishicouldctb]

I have been thinking about ctb since I was 10 or 11. The only thing stopping me is fear. I'm scared it will be painful and I'm scared that I will end up going to hell and being in more pain. I'm not particularly religious but I'm scared that if there is a hell I will be sent there. I don't know if I necessarily even believe suicide would send you to hell if there is one, but I think my personality and the life I've led would probably be enough to send me to hell even if it didn't. I don't want to leave agony on earth to go to agony in the afterlife. If I knew for sure what to expect after then I would do it no problem. Because any pain I would feel during the act would be scary but not enough to completely stop me since I know it would eventually be over. There have been a few times I have been close to just doing it even with my fear of ending up in hell, but every time i do get close I get scared thinking about where I'll end up. I would be fine with nothingness, but hell terrifies me.

 

[elderDrifter]

Right now it's because I feel really bad about putting my mom through my death. Also part of me wants to give life for another brief go. False hope after false hope, but it's there.

 

[imsotired35]

Don't want to leave my pet without me. She wouldn't understand where I'd gone…I don't want to upset my parents and have them go through grief.

 

[eatantz]

Been suicidal since 12 just too scared to go through it. I have major anxiety so i need to know ill 100% die and that it wont be painful

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Primarily hope for the future. I also have a cat I love, and a pretty good mom, and I couldn't put her through that. Obviously, this is more of a delay than a stoppage, though. After my cat and my mom are gone, and if my life is still shit, there's nothing keeping me from doing it at that point. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, though. Hoping life will improve after college.

I thought maybe a kid, but the more I think about having a kid, the more terrible I believe it will be. I refuse to have a kid if I think I'll be miserable because that might reflect on my kid, who wouldn't deserve my contempt simply for being born as a lot of parents do.

 

[DyingToDie123]

Some amount of fear
Some amount of lack of energy/motivation to take the steps needed
Some amount of bad timing/inconvenience