Discussion Why do you want to die?

[azucaramargo]

Why exactly do you want to die? Do you have any illnesses who make your life to hell? Do you see no future in your life? Do you have a disability which makes your life very hard? Or what exactly is your reason to ctb? And did you try every other option before this decision? What are your exact reasons?

manic episodes have screwed up so much already

Same for me, Chickadee.

manic episodes have screwed up so much already

Same for me, Chickadee.

uncomfortable in my own skin

oh, yes!

 

[dunkelheit]

Clinically depressed for over a decade
Left good paying job due to paranoia and depression
Every step forward is 3 steps back
Miss doing drugs more than anything despite the damage it did to me
Autistic enough to be socially retarded

 

[Susan Caswell]

Why exactly do you want to die? Do you have any illnesses who make your life to hell? Do you see no future in your life? Do you have a disability which makes your life very hard? Or what exactly is your reason to ctb? And did you try every other option before this decision? What are your exact reasons?

I have gone from a happy healthy content person to destroyed with deafening jet plane roaring hammering drilling hissing tinnitus both ears and hyperacusis so bad my own voice is painful and vibrating anxiety from it all crippling battling Mirtazapine Diazapam Zopiclone and many other over this 2 years 6 months cant believe its happened or why don't know cause came from nowhere I was so well really well lovely life had much medically and recovered I was such a happy calm soul with a wonderful life this is cruel don't know how to go but I want to have to I couldn't take this rest of my life thought it would stop if only level I could at least stand tinnitus doesn't do this to someone I worked hard 38 years always looking after others had busy life this is killing me can anyone advise I can only thin k to jump or stop eating and drinking how long would it take if I just stopped eating and drinking I am coming to end of what I can stand I had to go out every day be busy I cant even stand so ill so weak so had enough I so valued life thought I had years of happy ahead of me this is cruel please someone help me urgently now wish I could get into bed go to sleep and never wake up this is tormenting me out of my mind make it stop someone please dear god need a miracle

 

[Polly]

No job. Not enough money to live or even continue job hunting.

 

[Nolivesmatter]

Because I'm In a bunch of debt from trying to build a business. Have failed at everything I tried. Can't see a point in life. Hate Capitalism and hate myself. Feel incompetent. Just moved back in with my parents for the second time in the last year. Just crushed and don't see the point in striving just to get back to "normal"

 

[Shero]

Because i hate existing.

 

[Neurodoom]

Because it's more fair than life. We all get the same doom regardless of how we started, and that's the key to me. I don't want to see others die, at least not as much as I want myself to perish.

 

[NeverHungry]

There are two things that in my life that I simply cannot accept. Being a burden on others and not having a clear state of mind.
I'm currently a pretty big burden on my family, and I wish to alleviate their pain, somehow.
My mental and emotional state is slowly deteriorating, has been for years. I don't want to live my remaining years trapped in some psych ward.
Better that I go when I can choose to.

 

[ElMow]

Something happened to me, which I will never discuss, and I can't get past it. I've tried every therapy, emdr, etc...it haunts my every waking moment then in the small bits of sleep I get I dream about it. Only death will stop it. I hope.

 

[ComingClose]

I've just had enough of what life offers me. Estranged from all but one member of my family because they don't like my husband (11 years married so they've had time to get over that but they won't). In fact, I don't like him either but I suppose having him in my life at least means I'm not completely alone. Love my job but thats not a reason to live - I retire in a few years so won't even have that and then it'll just be years of nothingness. What's the point?
By the way, I'm in great health both mentally and physically, can't even remember last time I had to see a doctor but it would've been for something simple like eczema cream (aging cured the eczema) so I feel bad that so many of you are suffering physically/mentally and here I am just saying I've had enough when, from an outsiders viewpoint, I've probably got it good.

 

[MikhailDan]

I have incurable heart illnes. It was from 23 years old and today I'm 29 and progession was only accelerate. With my weak heart other organs sufferring. I also have a liver fibrosis, I must eat food without salt, fat free. Every day I must eat rice or oatmeal porridge, small amount of water. I can't walk more that 100 meters without shortness of breath. I have continuous arythmia. I was think that I can be heart transplant recipient, but with liver fibrosis it's impossible in my country (Russia). Very soon I can't sleep in horizontal bed.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I have been depressed for a long time. I am no longer happy and can't find enjoyment in things anymore. As a result, life is pointless for me.

 

[S1mpleme]

Easier to say why I want to die than why I want to live.

I have incurable heart illnes. It was from 23 years old and today I'm 29 and progession was only accelerate. With my weak heart other organs sufferring. I also have a liver fibrosis, I must eat food without salt, fat free. Every day I must eat rice or oatmeal porridge, small amount of water. I can't walk more that 100 meters without shortness of breath. I have continuous arythmia. I was think that I can be heart transplant recipient, but with liver fibrosis it's impossible in my country (Russia). Very soon I can't sleep in horizontal bed.

Hi, make 5 posts so I can PM you.

 

[Empty Smile]

Why do I want to die? Because it's better than living in a fucked up life.

 

[Taki]

Finances
Loneliness
Fucked up career
Anticipating early dementia within 15 years due to long-term depression.

 

[Eren]

1.- Loneliness
2.- Inability to make friends, interact normally with others
3.- Sexual problems that would prevent me from having a partner, and therefore, makes me feel even more alone
4.- Other mental problems such as OCD, severe insomnia (with only 25 years)
5.- Although it sounds immature, I did not like myself, from my physique to my way of being, low self-esteem

 

[Green Destiny]

I didn't ask to be here.

 

[A_Poetic_Death]

Because in my 31 years. I've never been good at anything. I take up resources. My dreamz are gone from me. I'm hated by everything and everyone. I was not born with beauty. I can't land a job or keep it. I'm severely mentally ill and there's no fix for any of that. I just need to go home to my mama, she loved me unconditionally. My father truly hates me and needs to live in his money.

Its just time to admit that I failed this shit game. I never had a chance at this. Not even from the start. Pieces of shit get flushed down the toilet and so shall I.

 

[astro]

One reason and one reason only. Schizoaffective disorder. That's it. Before I got sick I would say I was in the top 1% of people happiness-wise. Sucks that it had to be a very bad case of schizoaffective disorder otherwise I would definitely not seriously consider suicide.

 

[highlyvolatile]

Right now, I don't know. I could tell you that I don't want to be alive because life without my mom is hell. I could tell you that everyday is a slow struggle just getting through it. I could say that I was hoping I'd die from health issues first (thyroid, heart issue, breathing issues, etc). Or just in general since graduating my life has took a gradual decline, one from which its extremely hard recovering from. But I think I want to die because I don't want to be here any longer. The world will continue to move on without me.

 

[Puglover84]

Ok,
So at a risk of sounding like a total dick- my reason for wanting to CTB is boredom.
I have great friends, a loving family, a decent job and very little to complain about.
I just dont find joy and happiness in life. I often find myself asking myself what is the point?! The only reason I havent done anything yet is my mum. It would break her heart- and her love for life keeps me going. I have openly discussed my intentions for when she passes.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

The feeling and voices at the back of my head that know my life has no purpose. I wanted to help others when I was young but now I feel like everyone on this earth is just living through a slow death. I'm in lots of physical and mental pain. My friends harass and tease and bully me. I'm pretty much a loser. The exhaustion I experience from the constant mood changes. Being bored of being alive. The thought of tomorrow and living through it
Oh and the constant thought that I'm such an ugly bitch who no one will ever love. I always feel like I'm never someone's number one but always that one nice friend who's pushed into the background

 

[Deleted member 14386]

Hah how long do you want this post to be? Catch-22 basically. Mental health won't help coz of benzos and weed, drug people won't help since drug use is a symptom of a mental issue!

 

[Bone]

- middle/high school bullying-related trauma
- narcissistic alcoholic mother who also bullied me as well as other emotional abuse
- bipolar 1 with psychosis (these are related to the condition or its episodes):
- 3 psychotic episodes destroying the little positivity i had built
- who knows how many periods of mania leading to just awful choices for 2 decades
- legal charges related to psychosis
- debt/poverty
- both careers I had were going well but now are destroyed
- lack of any possible career in the future, even something min. wage probably impossible sadly
- crippling embarrassment/shame from all the shit I've said and done as well as being so far behind my peers
- deep periods of crushing depression following these delusional episodes
- alienation from family who wasn't that great to begin with
- 4 involuntary hospitalizations, which were all traumatizing. staff including doctors did a woeful job of explaining wtf I was dealing with and how to manage my condition. Was strapped down and injected against my will multiple times. I was choked out and almost executed by a police officer during my first psych stay (I had no clue why i was there and attempted to flee-he tried to press charges against me for biting his arm when he had me in a headlock and I couldn't breathe.)
- general nihilism/existential crisis. IE, it all just seems pointless.
- pessimism about the state of society/culture as well as the future, particularly environmentally/economically
- have read and seen far too much about the overwhelming amount of suffering and injustice in this world both now and throughout history
- I assume I have undiagnosed PTSD from all this ^
- finally, tinnitus appears to have just begun...

 

[...]

heartbreak and loneliness causing anhedonia
heartbreak and loneliness causing anhedonia

 

[SparkleWater]

i dont want to live the rest of my life trying to make up for lost therapy and trying to avoid having a meltdown every 2 seconds.

 

[blueclover_.]

Because life is the source of suffering, literally.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

-Brain defects through bully trauma, social anxiety, depression, low energy, no social skills, can't feel emotions anymore, life mistakes (sex), alcohol abuse, anti depressants for years, no conversation skills
-Acne damaged skin
-low self esteem

I need to do this soon. I am definitely a husk of my former self this is not normal

 

[Bone]

I need to do this soon. I am definitely a husk of my former self this is not normal

same, and...same. much love <3

 

[BlazingBob]

Neurological problem causing physical torment and total inability to sleep
Painful exhaustion
Inability to work/provide for myself
Lifelong depression
Extreme self hate
Inevitable homelessness
Massive debt/ruined financially
No family
Abusive living situation
No quality of life

It's almost 4:30am and my legs are on fire. It feels like ants and snakes are crawling out of my bones. The closer I get to sleep and the more tired it become the worse it gets. Getting up and moving around stops it but it starts right back up once I lie down and start getting relaxed again. Rinse and repeat. Like 30 times a night. It's incurable and gets worse with age. I never sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time, if I'm lucky. It get 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day. Twenty minutes here, thirty minutes there, etc. I take a medication that's one step down from fentanyl but sometimes it just doesn't help. Fuck this shit. This is no way to live.
I read the posts about the poor souls with ALS and CRPS. I feel guilty about complaining. The fact that euthanasia isn't readily available for diseases like that is testament to the barbarity and sadism so ingrained in our warped, cruel, evil species. We're the only hominids left because we're cruel murdering assholes. If god did make us it/he/she should be ashamed. But after 49 on this slaughter house planet I'm convinced god loves evil, and lavishly rewards the perpetrators of it. Sorry for the rant. I'm in pain, can't sleep, and I'm pissed. Heartburn and loud, pungent flatulence aren't helping matters.