Venting Rant; Why was I born 😭

[maggineko]

I'm sitting here finishing some art assignments for college and just thinking to myself "dude, what the fuck am I even doing here?" Then "Why did I take this course" went to "why did I take Form 6" went to "why did I even live this long" to "why was I even born???"

I've assured, or at least try to assure myself and others many times that the purpose of life is to live and live with what life offers, but at this point with shitty corrupt governments and billionaires and climate change and my future as a young adult slipping away with every bit of news I hear about the next political or geographic disaster, what does life even offer?? Not even a peaceful death is guaranteed. I could get kidnapped and murdered tomorrow, swept away in some horrific disaster, get a fatal illness and die in excruciating pain. What am I even doing all of this for? So I can sit around wondering when my next break is coming so I can fill in the empty time with my heart's pleasures before going back to getting fucked in the ass by life?

Sure, I love to smoke, drink, go out with friends, read a book, fantasise about having a boyfriend, talking to strangers on the internet and hoping 1 out of the billions on the Web will possibly fall in love with me; but I can't help it. We're all headed towards death one way or another eventually. It just feels like there's absolutely no point in doing anything, regardless if it's something I find pleasure in or find insufferable. I don't want to just sit with my thumb up my ass 7-10 hours a day at school learning how to be a dumb slave for some corporate asshole and then live the rest of my life on a chair telling myself to just make it to the coming Friday "then I can take a break." I can't! Friday's a school day, Saturday I have religious duties to appease my mother, and Sunday is spent rotting in anxiousness for the approaching Monday.

There is literally not a day in my life besides semester breaks and seasonal holidays (which are mostly spent procrastinating guiltily on my "holiday homework" and then paying for it dearly on the last day of break) where I've felt satisfied enough with where I am to firmly and confidently say "yeah, this feels right." Everything feels so frustratingly uncertain. It's been drilled into mine and the people of my generation's heads that the recipe for a life of happiness is as easy as "study hard, get a job, and pay for the things that make you happy, with leftover for a good retirement." Even people with PhDs are having trouble with getting work! Everyone's getting replaced with shitty A.I that doesn't even do the job right.

The only reason I've willed myself to come this far and making last-minute decisions and strategies for my future is because death didnt decide to come for me when I was 12 and not when I was 17. I don't want to fuck up my life again by living too in-the-moment as if death is guaranteed the next minute and suddenly I blink and I'm hospitalised for life and 10 times more miserable than where I was before, but it feels so pointless if all of this preparation just means fuck all in the end and I'll just die like a bug squashed under some asshole's shoe.

 

[lastappleonearth]

I'm sitting here finishing some art assignments for college and just thinking to myself "dude, what the fuck am I even doing here?" Then "Why did I take this course" went to "why did I take Form 6" went to "why did I even live this long" to "why was I even born???"

I've assured, or at least try to assure myself and others many times that the purpose of life is to live and live with what life offers, but at this point with shitty corrupt governments and billionaires and climate change and my future as a young adult slipping away with every bit of news I hear about the next political or geographic disaster, what does life even offer?? Not even a peaceful death is guaranteed. I could get kidnapped and murdered tomorrow, swept away in some horrific disaster, get a fatal illness and die in excruciating pain. What am I even doing all of this for? So I can sit around wondering when my next break is coming so I can fill in the empty time with my heart's pleasures before going back to getting fucked in the ass by life?

Sure, I love to smoke, drink, go out with friends, read a book, fantasise about having a boyfriend, talking to strangers on the internet and hoping 1 out of the billions on the Web will possibly fall in love with me; but I can't help it. We're all headed towards death one way or another eventually. It just feels like there's absolutely no point in doing anything, regardless if it's something I find pleasure in or find insufferable. I don't want to just sit with my thumb up my ass 7-10 hours a day at school learning how to be a dumb slave for some corporate asshole and then live the rest of my life on a chair telling myself to just make it to the coming Friday "then I can take a break." I can't! Friday's a school day, Saturday I have religious duties to appease my mother, and Sunday is spent rotting in anxiousness for the approaching Monday.

There is literally not a day in my life besides semester breaks and seasonal holidays (which are mostly spent procrastinating guiltily on my "holiday homework" and then paying for it dearly on the last day of break) where I've felt satisfied enough with where I am to firmly and confidently say "yeah, this feels right." Everything feels so frustratingly uncertain. It's been drilled into mine and the people of my generation's heads that the recipe for a life of happiness is as easy as "study hard, get a job, and pay for the things that make you happy, with leftover for a good retirement." Even people with PhDs are having trouble with getting work! Everyone's getting replaced with shitty A.I that doesn't even do the job right.

The only reason I've willed myself to come this far and making last-minute decisions and strategies for my future is because death didnt decide to come for me when I was 12 and not when I was 17. I don't want to fuck up my life again by living too in-the-moment as if death is guaranteed the next minute and suddenly I blink and I'm hospitalised for life and 10 times more miserable than where I was before, but it feels so pointless if all of this preparation just means fuck all in the end and I'll just die like a bug squashed under some asshole's shoe.

I think that modern life can sometimes just feel absurd, especially because recent times have shown us how fragile it all is, even though we were lead to believe it's the opposite. I'd love to have the ability to just do things without always questioning everything and searching for a point in it, even if there's none. Honestly I think I could probably ignore all the things going on in the world to a large part, if I at least had people around me to share my life with, but without that it just feels like there's not much left.
I hope you get to feel satisfied and content someday. I think it's possible, but just idk very difficult I guess

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I too have asked questions like yours, with the "Why was I born?" being the main one. Truth be told, I do know why I was born and I guarantee you it wasn't for a good reason. Once when I was a teenager I overheard a conversation between my dad and a friend of his where they were talking about how he only wanted a son so he could use me to do chores for him. That's literally the only reason I was born, to be used as a slave.

Like you, I do have things that I enjoy about life, but they can't ever make up for the bad things I've experienced, witnessed, or heard about happening to others. The trauma, health problems, and being used by other people most of my life is just too much. Also being a slave to money is no good either. Some people call this life a gift, but if it is a gift, then why are we forced to work like slaves just to pay for it our whole lives? That isn't a gift, it's a transaction that is just forced upon you and you're told "Now you gotta pay because reasons!"

It sucks you can't even enjoy your weekends when they come. Having to do religious BS just to appease your mother is so stupid that you should have to do that. Have you ever wanted to tell her to shove the religion up her ass? I would want to do that. I used to go to church many years ago to keep my grandparents happy, but every time I went just made me more and more miserable as I realized more and more what BS it was until I just stopped going. I'm not going to perform stupid religious duties to keep others happy ever again. Hopefully you can get to a point where you can get out of doing that too.

 

[vibri]

God I relate to almost everything you said here... I want to believe that this is a more common mindset of people my age so that I feel less alone. I feel like society is gonna crumble for the common person if it continues on this path. I feel like SOMETHING has to happen. It's really scary and dark to think about.

 

[maggineko]

It sucks you can't even enjoy your weekends when they come. Having to do religious BS just to appease your mother is so stupid that you should have to do that. Have you ever wanted to tell her to shove the religion up her ass? I would want to do that. I used to go to church many years ago to keep my grandparents happy, but every time I went just made me more and more miserable as I realized more and more what BS it was until I just stopped going. I'm not going to perform stupid religious duties to keep others happy ever again. Hopefully you can get to a point where you can get out of doing that too.

God, yes, every Saturday that rolls around I just want to tell her that I don't care about church and I don't care how much God loves me. I'm the one who has to pay for my own life after leaving my parents. I don't feel the presence of God in my life. Like, it's up to you if you believe in it, but why do I have to invest 5 hours (getting there, mass itself, and getting home) into something I don't believe in? And thank you, I'm really hoping starting uni next year will be the first step to moving out and getting my own freedom

 

[Off_Switch]

I am here because two disgusting, low-IQ pigs decided to mate. Period.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I am here because two disgusting, low-IQ pigs decided to mate. Period.

Same for a lot of people. Low IQ sums up a lot of breeders.
There was a song years ago with lyrics "I've been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding". Flagpole sitter I think it was called.

 

[Past-Expiry-Date]

I am here because two disgusting, low-IQ pigs decided to mate. Period.

In my case, not "low-IQ", but definitely "disgusting".
"Pigs" would be an insult to the poor animals we are all familiar with :)