Discussion Why do you want to die?

[dcfm]

I'd call it temporary but that's because I've let something hang over me for fifteen years. Things can change but there's definitely a point of no return.

Fifteen years? I couldn't even imagine something bothering me for 15 years. You're a strong person!

 

[WinterIsComing]

AvPD
I don't find joy in things
Jobless (try explaining why you did not have a job without being an obvious lie)and the possibility of getting a decent job is Slim).
Age.
The kind of college (which is related to job. Sadly in my country matters where you studied. There is a lot of nepotism).

I prefer to desappear.. maybe thats Linked to the AvPD

 

[YukiFox]

Because I lost the hope to realize most of my dreams / expectations of life and that includes: 1. Become a well known writer 2. Have a husband 3. Get financial security (Own property, retiring fund, etc) among other things. If any of that wishes happen on my life, well, thanks, but they doesn't attach me to this world. I'm in a point that whatever happens to my life it's irrelevant to me, and the only thing that motivate me to being live are my expectation of complete my gender transition and overcome my gender dysphoria. If I don't have that, surely I end my existence more quickly.
Also the idea of aging scares me. I don't know if I can respond for my life as an elder.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

The love of my life broke up with me in April, and now she doesn't even want to hear from me. I'm not going to live for 50 years without her, in fact I'm not willing to live a week more. It's not the fact that she broke up with me what is pushing me over the edge, but the hopelessness and the pain that she won't be mine and she will be with someone else. It was my fault, my terrible behavior, my bursts of anger, and the lack of proper communication (it was a long distance relationship).

That is exactly my situation. She has already found another guy and when I saw a photo of them in facebook, it cut me to the core. I want her back and if I can't get her then there is no point in me living.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I don't want to die yet, but when I do I want to do it by my own hands so that I can preserve my dignity.

 

[TheFriendlyGh0st]

I want to ctb for a LOT of reasons, but mostly because of a slew of conditions that make life hellish. Having a chronic illness of any kind seems to be Buy One Get Seven Free and I just keep collecting more problems. We are medicating a lot of them but it's becoming impossible to medicate them all because of all of the other meds I'm on, so some of my problems are impossible to fix. Some of them simply can't be medicated, like my PTSD and the simple fact that I was emotionally neglected as a kid. And we have no idea what's wrong with my guts so we're shooting in the dark with those medications and they help a bit but I still feel like I'm going to puke most of the time, can't eat without pain, and still wake up gasping because of acid reflux.

I literally do not know a single other person my age (24) who takes ~10 pills a day. I do not know another person my age who has so many doctors (I'm up to five). I am so tired of being broken mentally and physically and I am so tired of all these pills. I am tired of not being able to eat and having to heavily restrict my diet. I am going to have to take pills and constantly be working on my shitty mental health for the rest of my life and that's such a bleak future. I do not want to spend the rest of my life damaging myself and my liver trying to reach a point of fake normalcy. You can medicate the absolute fuck out of me but once you take the meds away, I'm still the same sick, broken person.

I hate when people tell me I'm looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. These are permanent problems and death seems like the only way to permanently stop them.

 

[shelledone]

joyless, never waking up with the thought that it could be a good day (seems impossible), always in my own head with rumination and regrets, the thought I'll do it someday to have some control over my death and just wanting to get it over with. I'm basically repeating the same day over and over with slight variations that can really make me miserable or, if I'm lucky, I'm too tired to think too much and have no work to do so I can just zombie out. But it's never a good (and by that, I mean "feels good to be alive!" ) day.

 

[dcfm]

That is exactly my situation. She has already found another guy and when I saw a photo of them in facebook, it cut me to the core. I want her back and if I can't get her then there is no point in me living.

Welcome to the club, man! I'm so sorry to hear that, not that it helps.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

Welcome to the club, man! I'm so sorry to hear that, not that it helps.

I'm still going to try and win her back. If I can't then I will ctb

 

[Tabbyql]

I am on disability for a severe undiagnosed mental illness that prevents me from receiving treatment for it.(agoraphobia, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, depression, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder) I can't get better because I cannot seek treatment
. No one will help. No one will listen. So I'm pretty much fucked.

Definetly feel the same way as well

That's part of my reasons too.

 

[Baskol1]

Does anyone too, feel not masculine enough?

 

[Tabbyql]

Bpd,OCD,anxiety,depression. Can't leave house without someone with me 99% of time. All of that as effed my life up, the prospect of getting older and being even more miserable, diseases etc..
Past rape, il never achieve anything, controlling bf. I'm mind blowingly ugly. Confused about my gender and sexuality. I just can't live in all this confusion and pain.

 

[Baskol1]

Bpd,OCD,anxiety,depression. Can't leave house without someone with me 99% of time. All of that as effed my life up, the prospect of getting older and being even more miserable, diseases etc..
Past rape, il never achieve anything, controlling bf. I'm mind blowingly ugly. I just can't live in all this confusion and pain.

You were raped?

 

[Tabbyql]

You were raped?

Yeah

 

[Baskol1]

Yeah

By a woman? Or by a man?

 

[Tabbyql]

By a woman? Or by a man?

A man

 

[emil.cioran]

boredom

 

[Wayfaerer]

My childhood (1-12) was bumpy but overall decent. My early-mid adolescence (13-17) was a vacuous, empty void of pure nothingness. My early adulthood (18-24) was far more miserable than the total nihilism of my minorhood and my full adulthood (excl. 25) is by far the deepest and darkest dread that I have ever experienced and will ever experience. 25 was my peak and that is how it is going to stay, and even then it was still rough through most of it. There will be no "recovery" and I will certainly meet a tragic end in the near-future.

I've always thought missing out on my teens would be the most painful thought I'd ever have, but missing out on your 20's I've found hurts even more. At least I will get to die in them.

 

[CURSED again]

I want to ctb for a LOT of reasons, but mostly because of a slew of conditions that make life hellish. Having a chronic illness of any kind seems to be Buy One Get Seven Free and I just keep collecting more problems. We are medicating a lot of them but it's becoming impossible to medicate them all because of all of the other meds I'm on, so some of my problems are impossible to fix. Some of them simply can't be medicated, like my PTSD and the simple fact that I was emotionally neglected as a kid. And we have no idea what's wrong with my guts so we're shooting in the dark with those medications and they help a bit but I still feel like I'm going to puke most of the time, can't eat without pain, and still wake up gasping because of acid reflux.

I literally do not know a single other person my age (24) who takes ~10 pills a day. I do not know another person my age who has so many doctors (I'm up to five). I am so tired of being broken mentally and physically and I am so tired of all these pills. I am tired of not being able to eat and having to heavily restrict my diet. I am going to have to take pills and constantly be working on my shitty mental health for the rest of my life and that's such a bleak future. I do not want to spend the rest of my life damaging myself and my liver trying to reach a point of fake normalcy. You can medicate the absolute fuck out of me but once you take the meds away, I'm still the same sick, broken person.

I hate when people tell me I'm looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. These are permanent problems and death seems like the only way to permanently stop them.

i feel for you so much - i also feel broken beyond repair in many ways - being alive is physical and emotional torture - anyway i'm sending best wishes to you - the people out there don't understand what we are going through - i use to try to tell them that if they were in my body maybe they could relate better.

 

[Misanthrope]

The core driver of suicide for me is physical and mental health going into decline. Living with treatment-resistant Bipolar has become intolerable. One of my medications damaged my liver. That would go on to have adverse effects elsewhere. A fact that was ignored for ages. So just kept getting fobbed off and the physical health angle ignored, likely because of my mental health diagnosis. A behaviour I have witnessed many times over. I am busy with legal proceedings now, but it is an immensely slow frustrating process.

The damage is now done with no way to rectify it various symptoms have led to new illnesses. I can no longer take mood stabilisers or the antipsychotic either. There is no real way to manage mood effectively as a result. My good or bad days are more determined by how nauseous I feel. Mania sometimes brings on psychosis which I had under control for a good number of years but now it is back to the old torment. These days it seems to consist of the smell of corpses, ghosts on the periphery, maggots, and usually dead clients telling me how I failed them. In line with kindling theory, these cycles are growing in frequency and severity and can only worsen. Wasn't that long ago since I tore my esophagus and found out what it is like to vomit into the wound. Suffice it to say I am not optimistic about future experiences either... The medical science on it all makes for a pretty bleak read.

Worse is being at the mercy of people who are paid to care, which results in a potentially horrific gamble that I have simply grown tired of experiencing. Made even worse by my government viewing the disabled as useless eaters and their policies very much mirror that level of spite in my country. So financial issues are on my mind as is erosion of current support. Fed up of me or others being vilified for existing in a less than productive state.

I am just sort of left haunting my own life in a perpetually bitter state devoid of passion. It feels like who I once was has been eroded and what is left is a husk pretending to be alive. I though have people reliant on me. That I can't just walk away from without setting up some provisions for them or softening the blow through timing and getting my affairs in order.

Cancelling things on people has become pretty normal these days. Surviving to simply survive is not living. Quality of life means more to me than the longevity of life. I am pretty much done with haunting my own life. This site gave me the knowledge I needed to exorcise this ghost. I just wish there was an alternative that was acceptable to me. However, there really isn't. A future of pain and emptiness is not something I am interested in seeing to its natural conclusion.

 

[justanotherday]

I had certain body parts removed, and I'm unable to accept the fact that they're gone. The surgery left me mutilated. I tried twice with two different plastic surgeons to have reconstructive surgery, and both times failed. I can't live in this body anymore.

I am haunted by the threat of a cancer recurrence. I'm also being heavily monitored for ovarian cancer, because I have a genetic mutation that puts me at risk. I also have chronic pancreatitis and nausea pretty much all the time. I have to constantly take Zofran to make it through the day. And because of the damaged pancreas, I developed diabetes.

I'm losing my best friend of 15 years.

I have severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety. My flashbacks happen as dreams, and I can't escape them. Anxiety through the roof, even when I'm sleeping. I can't escape it. My depression has made me almost dysfunctional. Suicide is on my mind constantly, and I can't calm my racing thoughts.

I have severe anhedonia. I don't enjoy anything anymore. It's even affected my sense of taste, so I can't even enjoy food anymore. It all tastes like poison. And it sucks so bad, because I used to love cooking. Now it's a chore I have to do to stay alive, even though I don't want to. I don't like my hobbies anymore, and I can't work. I'm an artist and can't create anything anymore.

I failed my family and lost my future.

There are other reasons, but those are the big ones.

**Warning, rant ahead**

Growing up, my Mother had chronic depression and my Father was an alcoholic. They divorced, Father disappeared, we struggled financially, I was largely neglected and left to my own devices from a very young age. As a result, I became a chronic overachiever and worked obsessively hard to make something of myself, despite my bleak childhood.

I did everything right...good student, friends, cheerleader, homecoming queen, student government, after school job, bought my first car on my own, active social life. Then put myself through college while working full-time, began building an ultimately successful career, got married, bought & sold houses, had kids, dogs, cats, vacations & more good friends. I was determined to break the cycle and give my kids the kind of life I used to long for. And I did, until now.

Now my beloved sons watch helplessly & horrified as their beloved Mom dies a slow and tortuous death to the terminal disease, ALS. This is not how this was supposed to turn out. This was not the plan. I paid my dues. I worked my ass off. I made all the right choices.

Now I'm planning my exit in the next 2 months to spare them witnessing the gore of the inevitable ravages of this insidious disease. The trajectory of their lives is irreversibly altered and their futures are in jeopardy.

So, fuck you universe. I naively thought that after the shitty start I was given, I had earned the right to a peaceful existence. Boy was I wrong. And now I've brought 2 innocent young humans in to this fucked up world who will undoubtedly struggle due to no fault of their own. The only word that can be used to describe it is SADISTIC. Fuck you universe.

I agree!

 

[glk]

I'm bored. It's hard to find something amusing. Things are just boring at best or bring suffering at worst.
I don't want to do anything that I shall do to be alive.
I'd even rather be a wild animal that always fights for it's survival instead of a human being who needs to play social roles.
I feel alien here.
I have huge trust issues.
I'm very curious about what there is beyond death. Is there even anything?

I don't feel that I deserve anything I have.

 

[acute]

I want to die because I have:
OCD
Tinnitus
Eye floaters
Anxiety
Severe depression

No hope for the future. Can't think of the future. The real me died 6 months ago.

I'm just 26.

 

[misterskinners]

37 yo. Couple of chronic diseases, with hearth and lungs also starting to fail basically. Started my SN preparations.

 

[Hadenuf]

I failed my family badly

 

[a_void]

schizoaffective which basically means spending life between the too's and throws of psychotic episodes and hospitalizations. every day is a more boring repeat of the last + to add i'm experiencing chronic insomnia at present making life seem a little less real

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

Multiple chronic illnesses with no hope for any treatment or cure. Severe chronic pain.

 

[LittleJem]

Chronic depression, suicidal thoughts all day, now trouble sleeping and panic too. Am trying different meds, nothing helping so far. I don't want to hurt my family and friends, but I don't want to suffer much longer. I'm telling all of them how bad it is, and that I might choose to end my life. I am going to write a blog to promote assisted dying.

My bf won't help me get on darknet to buy F. I've offered to leave him extra money in my will and everything...

 

[shakybacon]

Mostly because I feel like I haven't progressed or matured beyond the age of 18. Despite the fact that I'm almost 40. Add on my depression and essential tremors and all my social/maturing issues it's reason enough.

 

[Squiddy]

Brain fog, college, bipolar, BPD and anxiety are the reasons why