I am on disability for a severe undiagnosed mental illness that prevents me from receiving treatment for it.(agoraphobia, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, depression, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder) I can't get better because I cannot seek treatment
. No one will help. No one will listen. So I'm pretty much fucked.
Definetly feel the same way as well
Hugs. I know. I've BPD myself and I dropped out. Anxiety makes for very long nights. Discrimination based on medical conditions also make life tricky. I don't wish to face it if I can, but I don't seem to have much choices.
I've mostly fulfilled my bucket list - visiting Innsbruck, completing my honours. All on my own. I hope to summon up the courage to depart next year after I finalise plans to visit some people. I've been hurt when friends ctb and left me alone, so I hope to leave behind a decent goodbye for them. That's the hardest part.
Where family is concerned, I'm mostly ok to ctb. To half of them, I'm dead anyway.
"To live as a monster or to die as a good man?" - Shutter Island..
I want to ctb for a LOT of reasons, but mostly because of a slew of conditions that make life hellish. Having a chronic illness of any kind seems to be Buy One Get Seven Free and I just keep collecting more problems. We are medicating a lot of them but it's becoming impossible to medicate them all because of all of the other meds I'm on, so some of my problems are impossible to fix. Some of them simply can't be medicated, like my PTSD and the simple fact that I was emotionally neglected as a kid. And we have no idea what's wrong with my guts so we're shooting in the dark with those medications and they help a bit but I still feel like I'm going to puke most of the time, can't eat without pain, and still wake up gasping because of acid reflux.
I literally do not know a single other person my age (24) who takes ~10 pills a day. I do not know another person my age who has so many doctors (I'm up to five). I am so tired of being broken mentally and physically and I am so tired of all these pills. I am tired of not being able to eat and having to heavily restrict my diet. I am going to have to take pills and constantly be working on my shitty mental health for the rest of my life and that's such a bleak future. I do not want to spend the rest of my life damaging myself and my liver trying to reach a point of fake normalcy. You can medicate the absolute fuck out of me but once you take the meds away, I'm still the same sick, broken person.
I hate when people tell me I'm looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. These are permanent problems and death seems like the only way to permanently stop them.
I went through that myself. I used to be on a slew of psychiatric medications but I quit them. I used to see a respiratory doc and an ENT doc for minor respiratory issues and reflux, now I quit them. I used to see the dermatologist because of acne and eczema, and that I also quit. I can't quit the O&G doc otherwise I'll bleed badly though if I do intend to ctb, I'll quit seeing her too to save $$ to give to those who matters most. I feel you regarding the medications.. and treatments.
