Discussion Why do you want to die?

[thesongbird]

Maybe someone can help me with this thought process I've been struggleing with. Before I understood the extent of animal suffering it took to allow so many humans to eat meat, I ate meat myself, but after learning this knowledge, I went vegan to try and reduce the suffering in collective consciousness. But this experience brought upon another phenomenon. If I had never gained that knowledge, I may have never changed my ways, which makes me wonder: how many things am I doing right now that cause suffering to others, that I simply cannot tell because it is not made obvious to me, because I lack the education needed to know the direct corrilation between said action and said suffering. I simply have no idea what kind of problems I'm causing in the world, from the water I drink to the apartment I live in, and due to a all-knowing education being impossible, I can never know what problems I have caused in the world. This is why I want to commit suicide, I do not value my experiences over the potential suffering of others I may be causing without knowing. How do you handle this phenomenon?

 

[sadsadinfp]

Maybe someone can help me with this thought process I've been struggleing with. Before I understood the extent of animal suffering it took to allow so many humans to eat meat, I ate meat myself, but after learning this knowledge, I went vegan to try and reduce the suffering in collective consciousness. But this experience brought upon another phenomenon. If I had never gained that knowledge, I may have never changed my ways, which makes me wonder: how many things am I doing right now that cause suffering to others, that I simply cannot tell because it is not made obvious to me, because I lack the education needed to know the direct corrilation between said action and said suffering. I simply have no idea what kind of problems I'm causing in the world, from the water I drink to the apartment I live in, and due to a all-knowing education being impossible, I can never know what problems I have caused in the world. This is why I want to commit suicide, I do not value my experiences over the potential suffering of others I may be causing without knowing. How do you handle this phenomenon?

Accept that the world is hierarchical by nature, I guess. Human relations are hierarchical, the animal kingdom is hierarchical, etc. And try as you might, you can never actually prevent yourself from causing any suffering. This is why attempts to establish truly egalitarian societies have failed so badly - see communism, North Korea :|

I know the idea of causing no suffering is at the basis of some eastern religious practices, but really I don't believe it's possible.

That is, the world is hierarchical in appearance - we came from dust, and to dust we all return, great and small alike, and that's the equalizer.

 

[thesongbird]

Accept that the world is hierarchical by nature, I guess. Human relations are hierarchical, the animal kingdom is hierarchical, etc. And try as you might, you can never actually prevent yourself from causing any suffering. This is why attempts to establish truly egalitarian societies have failed so badly - see communism, North Korea :|

I know the idea of causing no suffering is at the basis of some eastern religious practices, but really I don't believe it's possible.

That is, the world is hierarchical in appearance - we came from dust, and to dust we all return, great and small alike, and that's the equalizer.

So, from accepting that suffering cannot be avoiding through living a life, suicide becomes an act of selflessness?

 

[sadsadinfp]

So, from accepting that suffering cannot be avoiding through living a life, suicide becomes an act of selflessness?

Well, I'd disagree that suicide doesn't cause suffering - emotional pain can be worse than physical. And I guess what I mean is that people and creatures are constantly being born and dying, suffering and experiencing happiness, all in an interconnected way. I think we people should try to avoid causing undue suffering. But when you take the idea of minimizing suffering to its logical extreme, you basically end up with this nihilistic notion that living life in itself, a life you didn't ask for, is selfish, because being human means that inevitably, one day, you're going to step on a tiny bug or kill some microorganisms on your skin when you shower - which to me doesn't make any sense, and thinking like that is a great way to develop self-loathing. A killer whale that accidentally massacres some plankton as it swims by isn't an evil creature, neither is an elephant that accidentally stomples bugs.

 

[Voy]

existential and anxiety of horrible death I guess. There're other things too but not really worth ctb over

 

[BlackCatTalk]

I have never been welcome anywhere, if I am as invisible, there is no one who cares whether I am or not, that may be good because it does not bind me to anything or anyone, I am not good at anything, I have never Beloved, I have never been someone important in whether I am like a piece of furniture.

 

[Nooneislistening727]

I am on disability for a severe undiagnosed mental illness that prevents me from receiving treatment for it.(agoraphobia, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, depression, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder) I can't get better because I cannot seek treatment
. No one will help. No one will listen. So I'm pretty much fucked.

I have never been welcome anywhere, if I am as invisible, there is no one who cares whether I am or not, that may be good because it does not bind me to anything or anyone, I am not good at anything, I have never Beloved, I have never been someone important in whether I am like a piece of furniture.

Definetly feel the same way as well

 

[nzdarkshark]

I feel like I am, and will continue to be an emotional and financial burden to those that love me. I'm constantly sad and have social and general anxiety and know I will never find love. I hate my gender and my appearance and the fact I'm so needy. I feel like I'll never be happy.

 

[k3v3r]

I don't have a reason to live

 

[thesongbird]

A killer whale that accidentally massacres some plankton as it swims by isn't an evil creature, neither is an elephant that accidentally stomples bugs.

But who determines that, the killer whale, or the murdered plankton? I am still convinced the suffering experienced, even when unintentional, remains relevant. In a human based example, would you say a rich person using the resources of hundreds of starving other humans is not evil because the rich person doesnt know the extent of the suffering hes causing?

 

[paintedhouse]

I want to ctb because of lonliness and being ostracized. I have 0 friends and my parents constantly put me down, insult, and threaten me. They also don't believe that depression is real. I also have social anxiety, insomnia, and low self-esteem. I want to be at peace.

 

[Nem]

Benzo withdrawal

Holy crap!!! If I had a nuclear weapon I would put all of the worlds pharmacists in a sealed building and then let er rip! Better yet, all of the big pharma ceos as well plus the fda. They all know the bullshit truth about how benzos shouldn't even be on the market, complete bullfuck!!!!!!!!!
Peace/hugs

 

[tomz323]

In short, life for me has been more suffering than Joy.

 

[WatermelonMel]

Because I'm too stupid to contribute to society and have no skills, and the Asperger's + ADHD is just making life even more difficult

 

[GreyMonkey]

Hi... first post.

I'm 38 and have sort of floated through life. Intelligent yet without ability to set goals or follow through. I have somehow sabotaged anything good that shows up in my life. I get freaked out and run away from jobs, I used to always fantasise that the dream life was coming. Now life has caught up with me. I have no significant work experience. Low employability. Low motivation to change that. Don't want to do menial work. Don't want to do challenging work.

My head feels crazy. It's screaming at me that I'm a failure yet at the same time I can't seem to muster the energy to change things.

I fall into depression regularly since about age 6. Often had suicidal ideation. Being on this forum though is the most serious I've ever become.

I have intense anxious attachment in relationships. Life was kind of ok for a while. I was living with friends I loved. I was making a small business with them. And then I started dating the most gorgeous woman I have ever had the chance to be with. And I became utterly attached to her. Despite loving me she couldn't see a future with me due to my lack of career ambitions. This sent me into panic. I developed intense anxiety. Our relationship became chaotic despite still dating for months after this. I started losing contact with my friends. Tanked my business with them. Ended up having to move out of the house back with my parents. Fell into major depression now with social anxiety.

Too embarassed to see my friends anymore. Unable to see how I can make a career for myself. Relationship with her over and I asked for no contact (about 5 months too late!!) And now my life feels completely hopeless.

I don't like who I am. And I don't like that I can't seem to muster whatever it is to be at least a mediocre success in life. I'm too intelligent to do mundane work. And too fearful and self-doubting to do challenging work.

I hate it and can't see how my life can get any better. I'm unable to maintain a relationship or figure out what to do with my life and it all feels totally pointless.

My parents are lovely though and basically the major thing that would stop me. If I could somehow ctb in a way that seemed accidental that would be good. I couldn't do that to my mum.

They live in an area with a lot of cliffs though. I think about what if I 'accidentally' fell from one.

 

[Shoopaloopadoop]

-lack of any kinda of support system. I literally have no friends (social anxiety doesn't make it any better)
-shitty abusive childhood
-my best friend killed herself 3 years ago
-I have herpes & despite how common it actually is, the stigma around it makes having any sort of romantic relationship pretty much impossible
-I'm very poor & can't see myself having any sort of future where I'm actually financially stable
-I haven't been in a relationship/had sex with anyone for years & highly doubt I ever will again

 

[StillWaiting]

Feel so helpless everyday.
Can't find things to make me feel life is worth the suffering and learnt that my parents want me to be alive just to take care of them when they get older makes me feel even angry.
Realised that i am playing life in a hard mode

 

[sadsadinfp]

But who determines that, the killer whale, or the murdered plankton? I am still convinced the suffering experienced, even when unintentional, remains relevant. In a human based example, would you say a rich person using the resources of hundreds of starving other humans is not evil because the rich person doesnt know the extent of the suffering hes causing?

Sure. And inequality pains me as well. But what I mean is that the world just isn't a place where anyone or any creature can avoid causing suffering to another, humans obviously included. If the goal is never to cause another creature to suffer, then that would mean life itself is immoral, because there is life of some kind nearly everywhere, or that geography is immoral because some places are naturally more arid and harsh than others and people and creatures living there suffer more just because of where they are. One could point to a human eating a salad and ask your question: who determines whether eating plants is moral or immoral, or whether plants are conscious or unconscious - the human or the plants? (not that I would do this, I'm not trying to attack vegans or veganism at all)

Anyway, my view, as I said, is that since we're conscious humans, we should try to avoid causing undue suffering to each other and to animals. And plants are nice too except for Venus fly traps that chomp you. But every living thing on this planet needs to consume other living things to survive, we can't eat rocks.

 

[roquentin]

I am satisfied enough.

 

[HGL91]

Hi... first post.

I'm 38 and have sort of floated through life. Intelligent yet without ability to set goals or follow through. I have somehow sabotaged anything good that shows up in my life. I get freaked out and run away from jobs, I used to always fantasise that the dream life was coming. Now life has caught up with me. I have no significant work experience. Low employability. Low motivation to change that. Don't want to do menial work. Don't want to do challenging work.

My head feels crazy. It's screaming at me that I'm a failure yet at the same time I can't seem to muster the energy to change things.

I fall into depression regularly since about age 6. Often had suicidal ideation. Being on this forum though is the most serious I've ever become.

I have intense anxious attachment in relationships. Life was kind of ok for a while. I was living with friends I loved. I was making a small business with them. And then I started dating the most gorgeous woman I have ever had the chance to be with. And I became utterly attached to her. Despite loving me she couldn't see a future with me due to my lack of career ambitions. This sent me into panic. I developed intense anxiety. Our relationship became chaotic despite still dating for months after this. I started losing contact with my friends. Tanked my business with them. Ended up having to move out of the house back with my parents. Fell into major depression now with social anxiety.

Too embarassed to see my friends anymore. Unable to see how I can make a career for myself. Relationship with her over and I asked for no contact (about 5 months too late!!) And now my life feels completely hopeless.

I don't like who I am. And I don't like that I can't seem to muster whatever it is to be at least a mediocre success in life. I'm too intelligent to do mundane work. And too fearful and self-doubting to do challenging work.

I hate it and can't see how my life can get any better. I'm unable to maintain a relationship or figure out what to do with my life and it all feels totally pointless.

My parents are lovely though and basically the major thing that would stop me. If I could somehow ctb in a way that seemed accidental that would be good. I couldn't do that to my mum.

They live in an area with a lot of cliffs though. I think about what if I 'accidentally' fell from one.

Wow, I can relate so much. I'm almost 28, but very similar story. I barely have a work history. All jobs I've had have only been a few months to a few years long and they aren't connected at all. I've been a certified nurse assistant, cam girl, spa receptionist, yoga and exercise teacher, Upwork article writer, door dash driver (before my car that I loved to death got totaled December 2018 thanks to rain and being too poor to afford new back tires), and now I'm unemployed AGAIN after trying to make my exercise business work for 2 1/2 years, I'm using my grandmother's car that she left in 2015 when she died but it's super old, the battery dies all the time and fluid drains out.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years because he'd only work 4 hours every few days doing Instacart while I was working 3 jobs and we were almost homeless. It was really hard to move from being with him in California to my mom's in Utah and I had to do it for survival, but I feel suicidal over the whole situation because I had loved him even though he was depressed and lazy. Now I'm depressed and lazy and like you said "too smart to do menial work and to afraid to do challenging work."

I'm also in a new state after living in the same state, and pretty much the same area my entire life. I don't have any friends in Utah, I don't talk to my best friend of 14 years anymore, and I'm too ashamed of my situation to make new friends.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Wow, I can relate so much. I'm almost 28, but very similar story. I barely have a work history. All jobs I've had have only been a few months to a few years long and they aren't connected at all. I've been a certified nurse assistant, cam girl, spa receptionist, yoga and exercise teacher, Upwork article writer, door dash driver (before my car that I loved to death got totaled December 2018 thanks to rain and being too poor to afford new back tires), and now I'm unemployed AGAIN after trying to make my exercise business work for 2 1/2 years, I'm using my grandmother's car that she left in 2015 when she died but it's super old, the battery dies all the time and fluid drains out.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years because he'd only work 4 hours every few days doing Instacart while I was working 3 jobs and we were almost homeless. It was really hard to move from being with him in California to my mom's in Utah and I had to do it for survival, but I feel suicidal over the whole situation because I had loved him even though he was depressed and lazy. Now I'm depressed and lazy and like you said "too smart to do menial work and to afraid to do challenging work."

I'm also in a new state after living in the same state, and pretty much the same area my entire life. I don't have any friends in Utah, I don't talk to my best friend of 14 years anymore, and I'm too ashamed of my situation to make new friends.

I hear you.
It's a strange and dark place to be in.

 

[woxihuanni]

Life is too much work for too little pay, all in all. I missed the only thing that would make it worthwhile for me.

But the humiliation is the worst. Knowing that you are worthless where you want to have worth. It does not matter if I am not objectively worthless, it is not like there is a medal for that. I think human beings can survive any sort of pain better than humiliation.

 

[Mr2005]

I don't want to die. I've backed myself into a corner

 

[gulrotpinne]

there is nothing i can do to fix my life.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Cause I ain't got rhythm

 

[N00SE_MAN1A]

Because I will never be good enough to have the things I want and need, mainly love. I can't be with the person I love and I don't want to love forever suffering like this.

This one really hit me cuz I can relate so much.

 

[dcfm]

The love of my life broke up with me in April, and now she doesn't even want to hear from me. I'm not going to live for 50 years without her, in fact I'm not willing to live a week more. It's not the fact that she broke up with me what is pushing me over the edge, but the hopelessness and the pain that she won't be mine and she will be with someone else. It was my fault, my terrible behavior, my bursts of anger, and the lack of proper communication (it was a long distance relationship).

 

[Mr2005]

^
Permanent solution to a temporary problem has never been more applicable. That's not to undermine how awful it feels now or to give you some pro life bullshit it's just a fact that things like this people can move past eventually

 

[dcfm]

^
Permanent solution to a temporary problem has never been more applicable. That's not to undermine how awful it feels now or to give you some pro life bullshit it's just a fact that things like this people can move past eventually

I understand what you're saying, but I wouldn't label a 5-month problem as temporary. The issue is that this problem would persist as long as I live, because I just couldn't move on. I know myself well enough to know that there is no way I could ever stand up after this KO. But thanks for your thoughts!

 

[Mr2005]

I'd call it temporary but that's because I've let something hang over me for fifteen years. Things can change but there's definitely a point of no return.