Why do people push the lie that you need to forgive in order to move on?

[Kramer]

All you need to do is not dwell on what happened to move on.

 

[Nymph]

All you need to do is not dwell on what happened to move on.

I guess that's true, obviously forgiving is not a good thing to move on in some cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to just "forgive".

 

[Kramer]

I guess that's true, obviously forgiving is not a good thing to move on in some cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to just "forgive".

It probably stems from Christianity. Religion is a scourge.

 

[merpmerp]

I agree although I do appreciate religion and it's teachings. In Catholicism they tell you to send love to whoever it is you are in conflict with. Send love so that they can feel loved. I think it's a beautiful thought. Send them love because God nor you have the power to condemn them. Their sins are what condemn. Their sins appear to them as guilt, loss of a friendship, etc... I think the best way is to still acknowledge what happened in some ways. It's not always possible for some people depending on the severity of the action to just "move on". I know I never could

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I define "forgive" as "accept the fact that you can't get even with or retaliate at the person". So if someone wronged me badly enough to make me want to punish them, and killing them is illegal, or if I'm too weak to wrong them back, or if they're more popular than me and have people on their side, then the only option is to "forgive".

 

[Ghost2211]

Forgiveness doesn't mean you let them hurt you again, or even let them back in your life. It means you resolve the pain and suffering about it within yourself.

 

[Querry1]

I'd forgive my oppressor if I could smash his head a bit, otherwise nope, thanks

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Forgiveness doesn't mean you let them hurt you again, or even let them back in your life. It means you resolve the pain and suffering about it within yourself.

This sounds like something a MHP would say. We need a better, or at least a more truthful, definition of "forgive". Because if everyone could get even with their tormentors quickly and easily, "forgiveness" wouldn't be necessary.

 

[Ghost2211]

This sounds like something a MHP would say. We need a better, or at least a more truthful, definition of "forgive". Because if everyone could get even with their tormentors quickly and easily, "forgiveness" wouldn't be necessary.

What's a MHP?

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

What's a MHP?

Mental health professional. They tell you platitudes and trite statements, but nothing that actually helps.

 

[MrBlue]

It's kind of a gentler way of saying you need to forget about it, or man up etc.

 

[awfullife]

What if the person that you can't forgive is yourself? That's a bad place to be.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Forgiveness doesn't mean you let them hurt you again, or even let them back in your life. It means you resolve the pain and suffering about it within yourself.

I agree wholeheartedly. You forgive for yourself, for closure and peace. It doesn't mean you have to have/rekindle a relationship with someone.

 

[Ghost2211]

Mental health professional. They tell you platitudes and trite statements, but nothing that actually helps.

Only if you look at the superficial. I can't change that my ex is a narcissist for example. I won't let him hurt me again, but if I keep being angry about him and keep thinking about the harm he caused he maintains control. The only way I can be free of him is to let go of the pain, in a sense forgive. It depends how you define forgive. I see it as making peace with turmoil. Sometimes that is the only power or control we have in life.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I like "forgive but don't forget". I think forgiveness is about letting go of anger for your own sake. You can take away the power that anger has over you by letting it go. Plus while people do just make mistakes, sometimes people are just toxic assholes and you dont need to put up with people walking all over you.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I think forgiveness is about letting go of anger for your own sake. You can take away the power that anger has over you by letting it go. Plus while people do just make mistakes, sometimes people are just toxic assholes and you dont need to put up with people walking all over you.

Well, you might be right, but we still need a better word than "forgive". I define it as "the tormentor won, you lost, so just accept it". My own family always told me I need to "forgive people", which meant exactly what I believe. Which led to the very CTB wishes I harbored since I was a little kid.

But which word is better than "forgive"? The world may never know.

 

[sweetbraid]

Forgiveness doesn't mean you let them hurt you again, or even let them back in your life. It means you resolve the pain and suffering about it within yourself.

this!!!!!

 

[LONE WOLF.]

What if the person that you can't forgive is yourself? That's a bad place to be.

Tell me about it!!!

 

[whywere]

When I have forgiving people before , alot of the times they have come back and used it against me and twisted the knife into my back nice and hard, so nope for me.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Forgiveness (NO!!!) BRUTALLY VIOLENT REVENGE-(YES)! or "Locate-Target-Terminate" Subject Destroyed!

 

[MindFrog]

I've watched from a christian channel about a woman who forgive her rapist cause God told her so.. They didnt even say if the guy was in jail. After hearing her trauma from it, that really rubbed me the wrong way.

I feel like if you forgive someone who gave you considerable damage, you're disrespecting yourself, adjusting your own anger for the abuser' sake.

We should learn to think that anger can be justified and it shouldnt be purged, rather be controlled.

 

[Miss_Takes]

Forgiveness probably is not a necessity to moving on from pain, in my opinion, and for many years I struggled greatly with the idea of forgiveness ... and I was raised Catholic.
When deciding I wanted to move on from the things that were holding me back in my life I began by applying acceptance. The world can be a cruel place and human beings often do harm to one another ... harm had been done to me ... harm has been done to my child. I was stuck in the event(s) and the feelings of anger and shame and powelessness. I became thoughtless of others (including my child) uncaring and insular and lived in a state of fear that was not serving me or my child. In order to move through this I practised acceptance ...
I accepted the events as they had happened ... my powerlessness over them ... my powerlessness over the other parties lack of care and cruelty. I could not change the 'event' and I knew I couldnt change the other party. So acceptance was what was best for ME because trying to change the past is a pointless activity and trying to change other people also pointless.
I was determined that forgiveness was unnecessary though and the job of some god and not me. Once I got used to acceptance though it seemed to grow into something more without me having any input at all. I call this thing forgiveness. Its not something I think the other party needs from me nor is it a great gift I bestow on others. But it is a great gift I bestow on me that has given ME a sense of peace.
Why do I think it is important for me? Because it allows me to practise trust in both myself and other people ... knowing that when another person harms me intentionally or not, i dont have to take on their brokenness. None has that power over me anymore. It doesnt mean I am a saint and dont feel hurt or angry or have thoughts of revenge. I just choose to put ME first and use my energy on me and not waste it on people who dont want my good energy.
Forgiveness doesnt mean I have to allow someone who has harmed me back into my life. If I choose to let someone back in I tell them (and remind myself) very clearly how I feel, where the boundaries are and what I will do to protect myself and that may include ceasing contact at the first sign of behaviour I dont accept.

As RosieBird very eloquently described it 'forgiveness' assists in providing a sense of peace for ourselves. It has very little to do with the other party.

Now ... if someone could answer AwfulLifes question about self forgiveness please Id appreciate it (I am stuck in guilt shame and selfloathing) and then I can go and have the life I want and stop embarrassing myself with these lengthy ramblings lol

 

[Deleted member 25174]

Who pushes that?

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I've watched from a christian channel about a woman who forgive her rapist cause God told her so.. They didnt even say if the guy was in jail. After hearing her trauma from it, that really rubbed me the wrong way.

I feel like if you forgive someone who gave you considerable damage, you're disrespecting yourself, adjusting your own anger for the abuser' sake.

We should learn to think that anger can be justified and it shouldnt be purged, rather be controlled.

Well Said MindFrog, l agree 100%