This is my first time posting and I've never used sites with forums so forgive me if I mess this up.
I just don't understand why I wanna do it. I have a loving partner which is something I've wanted for so long. I guess I don't have many friends but I have an online best friend and they're supposed to move to my city this year. I'm supposed to move out with my boyfriend and I've wanted to move out for so long. I haven't always gotten along with my parents but for the last year or so they've tried very hard to mend our relationship. I'm planning a massive trip after graduation. I'm supposed to book hotels tonight. I'm going to sell my art irl for the first time next month which has been a dream for years. I'm (hopefully) going to university in the fall to study something I love. Or I think I love. All of this studying has made me feel like I don't actually love biology, that I'm just good at it and that's why I do it.
I have so much stuff to look forward to. So why do I want to ctb? It doesn't make any sense to me. There hasn't been a huge calamity in my life that rocked my foundations. My life has actually gotten better. And yet somehow I feel like I've gotten sadder? I don't get it, where does this sadness come from? I feel like the urge to ctb has also gotten worse. I've had it since middle school maybe. But it was never really,, like this. Like a physical pain that I don't know how to fix in any other way.
I think the triviality of it all might be the reason I do it. If something big happened and it made me depressed I can fix it. But I can't fix a problem that doesn't exist. And honestly, I'm tired of searching for a solution. I'm 18. The only time in the last 5 or so years I haven't wanted to ctb was for about 6 months last year (or the year before that; my memory is terrible). And no one would expect it. I'm chugging along, I'm smiling, I'm making plans for the future. No one would expect me to ctb. I don't know why that's more comforting to me. I'm not going to think about what me ctb would do to other people - at least not while writing this. I want to say what I feel for once. I don't want to shame myself for once. What I want to do isn't good but shaming myself won't fix it or help.
I think another thing is wanting to end on a good note. If I lose someone I love and I ctb people would understand and I feel like my death would be more about this other event that pushed me over the edge. Maybe I want my death to be about me. I feel like I don't have many things to call my own. I have my boyfriend yes but I think he's the only one who would pick me. My dad loves my mom more than me. My mom is obsessive and I doubt she even knows me. My friends all have other friends. I don't talk much to my classmates. I don't think my teachers know who I am. Maybe if I ctb people would pay attention to me. I'll be someone important and I'll be remembered by my good traits. If I don't ctb now I feel like I'll keep getting worse. I'll spoil myself in people's minds until we're better. I think the only way to preserve things how they are right now is to take myself out of the picture and allow everyone else to move on.
I doubt anyone would read this whole thing. But if you do, thank you. I don't have anywhere else to share this. I can't say this to my friends and I don't want their pity. I have a therapist but I don't actually like her. I feel like she doesn't help but this is the third therapist I've gone to and it's the best one so far so idk. I hope that if you're feeling the things I am there's a simple fix for you. I know that that's not how things work, but we gotta hope, that's the last thing to cling to.
I just don't understand why I wanna do it. I have a loving partner which is something I've wanted for so long. I guess I don't have many friends but I have an online best friend and they're supposed to move to my city this year. I'm supposed to move out with my boyfriend and I've wanted to move out for so long. I haven't always gotten along with my parents but for the last year or so they've tried very hard to mend our relationship. I'm planning a massive trip after graduation. I'm supposed to book hotels tonight. I'm going to sell my art irl for the first time next month which has been a dream for years. I'm (hopefully) going to university in the fall to study something I love. Or I think I love. All of this studying has made me feel like I don't actually love biology, that I'm just good at it and that's why I do it.
I have so much stuff to look forward to. So why do I want to ctb? It doesn't make any sense to me. There hasn't been a huge calamity in my life that rocked my foundations. My life has actually gotten better. And yet somehow I feel like I've gotten sadder? I don't get it, where does this sadness come from? I feel like the urge to ctb has also gotten worse. I've had it since middle school maybe. But it was never really,, like this. Like a physical pain that I don't know how to fix in any other way.
I think the triviality of it all might be the reason I do it. If something big happened and it made me depressed I can fix it. But I can't fix a problem that doesn't exist. And honestly, I'm tired of searching for a solution. I'm 18. The only time in the last 5 or so years I haven't wanted to ctb was for about 6 months last year (or the year before that; my memory is terrible). And no one would expect it. I'm chugging along, I'm smiling, I'm making plans for the future. No one would expect me to ctb. I don't know why that's more comforting to me. I'm not going to think about what me ctb would do to other people - at least not while writing this. I want to say what I feel for once. I don't want to shame myself for once. What I want to do isn't good but shaming myself won't fix it or help.
I think another thing is wanting to end on a good note. If I lose someone I love and I ctb people would understand and I feel like my death would be more about this other event that pushed me over the edge. Maybe I want my death to be about me. I feel like I don't have many things to call my own. I have my boyfriend yes but I think he's the only one who would pick me. My dad loves my mom more than me. My mom is obsessive and I doubt she even knows me. My friends all have other friends. I don't talk much to my classmates. I don't think my teachers know who I am. Maybe if I ctb people would pay attention to me. I'll be someone important and I'll be remembered by my good traits. If I don't ctb now I feel like I'll keep getting worse. I'll spoil myself in people's minds until we're better. I think the only way to preserve things how they are right now is to take myself out of the picture and allow everyone else to move on.
I doubt anyone would read this whole thing. But if you do, thank you. I don't have anywhere else to share this. I can't say this to my friends and I don't want their pity. I have a therapist but I don't actually like her. I feel like she doesn't help but this is the third therapist I've gone to and it's the best one so far so idk. I hope that if you're feeling the things I am there's a simple fix for you. I know that that's not how things work, but we gotta hope, that's the last thing to cling to.
