Why are you still alive?

[newave3]

Because I don't have N.

This, this and this. My only reason.

 

[Lmd]

Some people are wasting a lot of effort on me when they are in bad positions too. I'm afraid that if I do something they'll follow the same path when right now they are trying to live.

 

[forrrest]

I fear my insecurities may be wrong. Maybe I will hurt someone. I don't believe I will. However, the idea of hurting someone makes me feel disgusting and terrible. Even being shorty dead after, I would know while doing it I could be ruining someone's life. Whether my fears are right or wrong, I'll still be kicking for as long as the pain isn't hard enough.

 

[EDMisgood]

Just waiting until I can move out so I can be forgotten, and I don't want to traumatize my family

 

[Suicide]

Probably because I'm to scared to hang myself.

 

[a_defect]

I'm curious, why are you still alive?

Just to suffer…

Seriously though, because I still have things to do… and I'm hanging on some small hope…

 

[Pookie]

Just to suffer…

Seriously though, because I still have things to do… and I'm hanging on some small hope…

I swing between hope and despair. And sometimes I hate that deceptive little devil called hope.

 

[Cant go back]

1. My personal situation hasn't made me snap yet

2. Waiting for kids to be 18+

3. Have not decided on method yet (firearm or CO)

Not all these need to be true before I ctb, maybe just 2 of them.

 

[AndromedaZ]

I need to find a home for my cat so she has somewhere to live after I'm gone. Once that's done, I'm out.

 

[ClownMe]

my dog and the fact im too scared to ctb right now.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I have everything I need but my Dog needs me,it's just me and him, as soon as he's passed, 3 months later l will follow! Will need time to sell off possession's, sign tenancy back over to council, get my Dog cremated and sign Will so my ashes are scattered with the ashes of my 2 Dogs, 1st Dog passed 10yrs ago!

 

[Shadowgeist]

I have everything I need to end it, but hope that things might get better keeps me from doing it just yet. Once that hope is gone, I will be gone myself soon after.

 

[Pookie]

I have everything I need but my Dog needs me,it's just me and him, as soon as he's passed, 3 months later l will follow! Will need time to sell off possession's, sign tenancy back over to council, get my Dog cremated and sign Will so my ashes are scattered with the ashes of my 2 Dogs, 1st Dog passed 10yrs ago!

Did you get my questions on my "What's the story behind your username" thread? The questions are on page 3. If they're too personal, don't answer them but I'm a curious cat :-)

 

[pixie]

SI

 

[Elysium Searcher]

Only ordering SN stops me from ending my life, not too much. I'm lucky to live in a country where I can buy SN legally. That shouldn't take long.

There are a few things that makes CTB a difficult decision, like I'm not sure how my parents will react, I mean, if they don't get a stroke or anything as bad as it. They took significant part in my suffering, however it's not easy for me to completely ignore the fact they're my parents, and I still love them to some degree despite of all that shit they've done to me.

Most of my fears are more related to "what will happen to me if I survive" rather than any other stuff which could force me to be still alive.

 

[idontcare]

This, this and this. My only reason.

i dont know if im the only one but my only thought is: im not living in hell in this life just to end up in hell in the next

 

[nolifer]

Like most, I'm having difficulties with the CTB methods.
Would love to acquire a shotgun, I think I would easily be able to ctb then.
The other option is full drop hanging, but it's as easy as ctb with shotgun would be.
I don't like how SN and exit bags take so long time to pass out from. I want it to be instant like a shotgun or full drop hanging would be.
Every day I repeat the mantra about needing to ctb a hundred times, and I just feel stuck because it's so difficult to acquire a shotgun, and I'm not sure if I should go through the long struggle of acquiring a shotgun or if I should accept the full drop hanging method and try do it during a camping trip in a forest.
I also keep getting distracted by life constantly.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Survival instinct.

I tried to ctb but my si was overwhelmingly strong. I don't have what it takes, I guess. I have been very ill for a very long time and I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't have access to a painless and easy method so I am just hanging in until death claims my body.

 

[FarAcrossTheWater]

I don't have a painless way to go.

 

[OceanBlue]

Mainly because safe and painless death is made inaccessible. Suicide has stigma attached to it and many methods seem dramatic, the whole idea of people talking about my circumstances in this way makes me want to avoid it.

Also, would like to spread the AN message before I leave: having kids seems to be the most ridiculous avoidable thing people can do and yet it's so normalised, it feels like I'm inside some dystopian horror movie.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

no idea.

 

[xLosthopex]

My dogs, my eating disorder(it's my coping mechanism even though, ironically, it's literally killing me at the same time), and I just got news that my strip club where I worked pre-Covid will be reopening at the start of July, I loved my job there so much so although I intent to ctb soon, I want to at least go back there for a short period before I go, for old times sake I guess

 

[Callie Arcale]

Mainly because safe and painless death is made inaccessible. Suicide has stigma attached to it and many methods seem dramatic, the whole idea of people talking about my circumstances in this way makes me want to avoid it.

Also, would like to spread the AN message before I leave: having kids seems to be the most ridiculous avoidable thing people can do and yet it's so normalised, it feels like I'm inside some dystopian horror movie.

They should teach antinatalism in school, if you ask me.

 

[return2dreamland]

i've been attempting, over and over through strangulation/partial suspension for the past 3 days and i can't seem to do it right. that's literally it

 

[Numbtopain97]

can't afford N.

 

[RedPanda]

Covid, it put life on pause for me and ruined my plans.

 

[at-sea]

I can't afford SN until next month

Because I don't have N.

I don't have access to easy methods

No good method available

I can't afford my preferred method.

not having my ideal method.

Like most, I'm having difficulties with the CTB methods.

I don't have a painless way to go.

Mainly because safe and painless death is made inaccessible

can't afford N.

I am so sorry )): I got lucky that it's fairly easy to get SN in my country and that is a suitable method for me.

I think the lack of access to information and painless/peaceful methods is the epitome of human selfishness.

It's more important THEIR wish to keep you here than YOUR suffering



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Then there is the fear of partial recovery making life mildly better but really not much, however dimminishing the strength/motivating factors to go through with it.

I had never been able to identify nor to put into words this fear. Thank you so much. I feel seen hahaha
For real though, I think I'm starting to go there and lowkey

However, having an exit plan sorted has really helped me keep facing another day even when things kinda suck.

I relate so much to you. Specially in this point, which is kinda good and kinda bad, as since having sorted my exit plan I'm drifting into partial recovery (thank you Smart No More for giving me that term <3 )

I also keep getting distracted by life constantly.

Thisss. It's incredible how much can life get in the way when you're trying to end it



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By the way I'm pretty sure sn doesn't allow you that last drink because of vomiting.

Hahahaha I'm sorry, I think I didn't make myself clear. My last fancy drink will be the SN in my champagne glass :)

Survival instinct.

I tried to ctb but my si was overwhelmingly strong.

I actually haven't tried to ctb, and I'm pretty scared of my SI. I don't want multiply tries, just a deadly one.

i've been attempting, over and over through strangulation/partial suspension for the past 3 days and i can't seem to do it right.

I am so sorry darling )):

I don't know your situation, but is it possible to switch methods?

 

[Lost_the_will2_live]

Don't get me wrong, it's not a critique as "why haven't you ctb already". I think one should do it only after being 1000% sure that is what you want.

My SN just arrived and I have a backpack with SN, meto, benzos and a champagne glass (last drink, better make it fancy). So, I literally could go at any time. And it made me wonder, why am I still here then?

For me, the answer is guilt. Guilt is the only thing keeping me alive. Guilt for causing such pain in my loved ones

I'm curious, why are you still alive?

Fear of actually going through your method, fear of the afterlife, hope things get better, practical things as not having all your needed implements? I hear you

because of my three little dogs

 

[Water-Lily]

Because I want to live, even though I am afraid to live

 

[Largeletters]

Too scared to hang myself/jump off of a high height. Don't have current access to SN. Also have been stopped and dragged to the hospital against my will. When I was in high school, the school staff became aware of my suicide date and off I went to the psych ward!

because I have no way of getting to do what I want, and everyone thinks everything is normal and happy and fine once again, hahahahahahhahahah yea right!! If I could be gone tomorrow I would, but I never have time alone now, that's the only reason I am still here

Definitely relate, I'm sorry.