Why are you still alive?

[return2dreamland]

I am so sorry )): I got lucky that it's fairly easy to get SN in my country and that is a suitable method for me.

I think the lack of access to information and painless/peaceful methods is the epitome of human selfishness.

It's more important THEIR wish to keep you here than YOUR suffering



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I had never been able to identify nor to put into words this fear. Thank you so much. I feel seen hahaha
For real though, I think I'm starting to go there and lowkey


I relate so much to you. Specially in this point, which is kinda good and kinda bad, as since having sorted my exit plan I'm drifting into partial recovery (thank you Smart No More for giving me that term <3 )



Thisss. It's incredible how much can life get in the way when you're trying to end it



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Hahahaha I'm sorry, I think I didn't make myself clear. My last fancy drink will be the SN in my champagne glass :)



I actually haven't tried to ctb, and I'm pretty scared of my SI. I don't want multiply tries, just a deadly one.



I am so sorry darling )):

I don't know your situation, but is it possible to switch methods?

i can't switch methods, it's the most reliable method i have available :[ but i'm just looking at this as practice, i guess. thank you for your concern, though <3

 

[Pessimist]

I love my family. I'm worried about my mother not being able to deal with it.

 

[nolifer]

I love my family. I'm worried about my mother not being able to deal with it.

That's a popular reason to keep surviving. I think it fits the description of the Stockholm Syndrome but you won't get it unless you believe in anti-natalism.

 

[Pessimist]

That's a popular reason to keep surviving. I think it fits the description of the Stockholm Syndrome but you won't get it unless you believe in anti-natalism.

I believe in anti-natalism, and I still love my family. I think it's quite complex.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

That's a popular reason to keep surviving. I think it fits the description of the Stockholm Syndrome but you won't get it unless you believe in anti-natalism.

I believe in antinatalism but it never made any difference in how much I am attached to my family. I would never blame them for my birth or anything, they did what they thought was good and I acknowledge and appreciate their efforts even though I get abused occasionally. I love them and leaving them feels horrible and even selfish at times.

What I find really harsh about life is that there's no one to blame for all the suffering. For me, personal liberty is the most important thing, people do what they think is right or sometimes, even if it's a wrong doing, they do what they want. I can't blame anyone for wanting what they want, but in the end our conflicting wants and desires exacerbate our suffering. The true tragedy of life is our inherent and uncontrollable selfishness and conflicting desires/needs.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

It's fear, and everything not being settled here yet financially. I have to make sure my car is paid off by October/November 2021. And if my mind can endure it I'll stay alive to pay off my student debt which means I'll be stuck here until august 2022. It's just financial reasons for me at this point. I'm also waiting on my meto.

Although some days because I already have Tagamet and SN I get this extreme urge and wave to just do it sometimes. This is why I just don't know sometimes, maybe I'll make it until august 2022. Maybe I only can endure until October/November. I'll have to see. Then when those dates do come will I truly have the courage?

I want nothing more than to be liberated from this cursed miserable life of exclusion, social rejection and isolation, trauma, and lookism. I have no desire to be here however I have to keep myself going for financial reasons.

I mean maybe I won't make it. Idk yet. Depends

 

[at-sea]

i can't switch methods, it's the most reliable method i have available :[ but i'm just looking at this as practice, i guess. thank you for your concern, though <3

I really hope that if you decide to go with that method, it's as easy and painless as possible You certainly deserve it

 

[JustAnumber]

I completely failed to kill my self (again)

 

[blackwidow92]

Because I don't want to break the hearts of the people around me that care about me, but that's about it.

 

[ElizabethsFault]

I don't want to upset my father and my best friend. I did talk to my friend about it. She told me if she thought I really wanted to die, she'd support my decision. I told her I only wanted to be happy. I know there's no way I'll ever be happy. I know I wouldn't want my father or friend to suffer the way I've been suffering for years.
I guess I'm alive because I'm afraid to fail my attempt.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I have no motivation to live, and have not for a long time, but likewise I have no motivation to die right now either.

 

[ElizabethsFault]

Because I don't want to break the hearts of the people around me that care about me, but that's about it.

I have no motivation to live, and have not for a long time, but likewise I have no motivation to die right now either.

 

[SelmaJezkova10]

My parents, the fear of death, I don't have an official method either.

 

[Hurt]

My mind tells me all the time to kill myself but I do everything to stay alive like eating healthy, sleeping well and all that. I don't know why.

 

[_r1a]

I'm alive because of my family, I only have one sister who has a disability and has successfully passed her first year at university. She is so bright and I don't want my death to impact her performance. I'm also of East African origin and my suicide would ruin my family's reputation. The community would destroy them.

 

[at-sea]

I'm alive because of my family, I only have one sister who has a disability and has successfully passed her first year at university. She is so bright and I don't want my death to impact her performance. I'm also of East African origin and my suicide would ruin my family's reputation. The community would destroy them.

I'm sorry one of the reasons is judgment towards your family.

You don't have to answer, but, may I ask, why it would ruin your family's reputation?
Is it because suicide itself is frowned upon (and even though it's you killing yourself, your family still receives that judgment) or because they would judge your family as "why didn't they do something?"?

 

[_r1a]

I'm sorry one of the reasons is judgment towards your family.

You don't have to answer, but, may I ask, why it would ruin your family's reputation?
Is it because suicide itself is frowned upon (and even though it's you killing yourself, your family still receives that judgment) or because they would judge your family as "why didn't they do something?"?

I'm happy to answer :) Yes it's because suicide is taboo and even unheard of amongst the diaspora, the culture is very conservative and orthodox.

 

[Mr2005]

There is no good reason anymore.

 

[Symbiote]

I wonder about that too. Why am I still here? Perhaps it is time to go.

 

[sadstargazer231]

Don't get me wrong, it's not a critique as "why haven't you ctb already". I think one should do it only after being 1000% sure that is what you want.

My SN just arrived and I have a backpack with SN, meto, benzos and a champagne glass (last drink, better make it fancy). So, I literally could go at any time. And it made me wonder, why am I still here then?

For me, the answer is guilt. Guilt is the only thing keeping me alive. Guilt for causing such pain in my loved ones.

I'm curious, why are you still alive?

Fear of actually going through your method, fear of the afterlife, hope things get better, practical things as not having all your needed implements? I hear you

All of the things you mentioned and my beloved daughter, dogs and so much unfinished business that would be left as a mess for her and others to manage.

 

[NormaJeane]

Because the society forces me to live.

 

[sunnyflower]

I've tried to end it many times! It's just not that easy

 

[fruit-loops]

I don't know exactly, but I suppose there are a combination of some of the following causes:

1. I'm sill planning it, need N or Nitro and I want to be sure to do it well. If you fail you may doesn't have a second chance.
2. I'm afraid of what the few people that care about me will feel. In any case they will overcome it like any other death in their lives, so it sounds like an excuse.
3. I'm just thinking about have a long trip through Caribbean countries before to leave forever. It's since too much that I don't feel really free and I'd like to experience it again. I know that it may be a lonely and sad journey, but the entire life doesn't it look just like that?
4. I may still have a little hope to find some motivation to push me forward for some more time and see what happen... It's very stupid by me, but hey, I'm a really stupid person, so...

 

[at-sea]

I'm happy to answer :) Yes it's because suicide is taboo and even unheard of amongst the diaspora, the culture is very conservative and orthodox.

Thank you for explaining it to me

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

It's fear, and everything not being settled here yet financially. I have to make sure my car is paid off by October/November 2021. And if my mind can endure it I'll stay alive to pay off my student debt which means I'll be stuck here until august 2022. It's just financial reasons for me at this point. I'm also waiting on my meto.

Although some days because I already have Tagamet and SN I get this extreme urge and wave to just do it sometimes. This is why I just don't know sometimes, maybe I'll make it until august 2022. Maybe I only can endure until October/November. I'll have to see. Then when those dates do come will I truly have the courage?

I want nothing more than to be liberated from this cursed miserable life of exclusion, social rejection and isolation, trauma, and lookism. I have no desire to be here however I have to keep myself going for financial reasons.

I mean maybe I won't make it. Idk yet. Depends

What does it matter if you pay off your car and student loan debt. Every month I make a car payment I am so fucking pissed to do it.
FEAR. It's the only God damn reason.

 

[DaughterOfAthena]

I'm ready to go right now I just need a quick and reliable method. I wish I could get my hands on cyanide because the chance of being rescued from that is slim, I know it's painful when it kicks in and your still conscious but two minutes of suffering tops is well worth ending a lifetime of pain.

 

[Foogs]

Hope I can overcome my chronic disability through treatment. My life runs out when I run out of new things to try to cure me

 

[terrorgorilla]

Why? Oh, many reasons I guess. For a start I'm a coward (at this point I hear the voice of my therapist telling me that I am not and listing all the reaons why I'm actually remarkable blah blah fucking blah) and I'm afraid of the pain, or of fucking it up and ending up even more messed up than I am now. And also because, despite everything, despite every failure, every heartache, every broken dream, every anxiety attack, every intrusive thought, everything that has blighted my life from the age of 15 to now, aged 45, and left me alone, with no family or friends, is that there is still a part of me that thinks "maybe it could get better... maybe that girl at school you loved who is now 45 and divorced and still really cute... maybe you could message her on Facebook out of the blue. Hell, maybe she has a thing for fat, balding, middle-aged failures with chronic anxiety." It's pathetic.

 

[filthyrottendirty]

There's stuff I want to do first

 

[idonntseethepoint]

Don't get me wrong, it's not a critique as "why haven't you ctb already". I think one should do it only after being 1000% sure that is what you want.

My SN just arrived and I have a backpack with SN, meto, benzos and a champagne glass (last drink, better make it fancy). So, I literally could go at any time. And it made me wonder, why am I still here then?

For me, the answer is guilt. Guilt is the only thing keeping me alive. Guilt for causing such pain in my loved ones.

I'm curious, why are you still alive?

Fear of actually going through your method, fear of the afterlife, hope things get better, practical things as not having all your needed implements? I hear you

Stuck in a crisis house (in the U.K. it's a "community alternative" to inpatient treatment). My room is suicide proof :(