Why are you still alive?

[at-sea]

Don't get me wrong, it's not a critique as "why haven't you ctb already". I think one should do it only after being 1000% sure that is what you want.

My SN just arrived and I have a backpack with SN, meto, benzos and a champagne glass (last drink, better make it fancy). So, I literally could go at any time. And it made me wonder, why am I still here then?

For me, the answer is guilt. Guilt is the only thing keeping me alive. Guilt for causing such pain in my loved ones.

I'm curious, why are you still alive?

Fear of actually going through your method, fear of the afterlife, hope things get better, practical things as not having all your needed implements? I hear you

 

[Scribble Fan]

I can't afford SN until next month. I'm also kinda scared of the symptoms. I hope I get lucky and pass out quickly.

 

[Busticket]

Too afraid of being dead forever and also out of sheer spite to those who have wronged me.
I want to outlive all of them.
That's why I am also going to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

 

[Soulless Angel]

because I have no way of getting to do what I want, and everyone thinks everything is normal and happy and fine once again, hahahahahahhahahah yea right!! If I could be gone tomorrow I would, but I never have time alone now, that's the only reason I am still here

 

[FuneralCry]

For me, its a problem with methods. I am worried about methods going wrong and being found too soon. I do not have anything really prepared at the current moment. It is hard to take our lives as survival instinct can get in the way with many methods.

 

[Rae82]

I'm scared of actually killing myself, like the actual physical act of doing it. Scared of the pain and scared of it failing.
I also have the most beautiful little girl.
However, I also suffer from Empty Nose Syndrome and that is the reason I don't feel like I can go on. I can't feel air in my nose when I breathe and I feel like I'm suffocating.

 

[at-sea]

I can't afford SN until next month. I'm also kinda scared of the symptoms. I hope I get lucky and pass out quickly.

I get. Luckily, we're through half of the month already!
And you have benzos? Maybe you could have some and drink the SN at the last moment before you pass out (?)

 

[Scribble Fan]

I get. Luckily, we're through half of the month already!
And you have benzos? Maybe you could have some and drink the SN at the last moment before you pass out (?)

No benzos or anything else, I'll just have to chance it with SN alone.

 

[Efilismislife]

There are only 2 choices: to die vs to live
One still alive, Because one choose to not die yet.
Cause the fear of death still wins

 

[Life_and_Death]

i dont want to die, my disorders just arent leaving me with much of a choice outside of "this is whats best"

 

[BlankUser]

Because I don't have N.

 

[Baffelingbofos]

Im still alive becouse my younger brother loves me dearly. I dont want to leave him, because he already has it hard enough on his own and my suicide would break him :(

 

[Smart No More]

I don't want to hurt or leave my family or the wonderful life I had before I got sick.

I'm also terrifyed of failing/surviving and being much worse off.

hilst I mourn my life and health I could handle leaving it if it would end my suffering and not cause anyone else to hurt so bad! If I knew, 100% that my 'peaceful' method would work it would be a blessing.

I also worry that just maybe I might get better and have wasted myself, hurting others in the process.

Then there is the fear of partial recovery making life mildly better but really not much, however dimminishing the strength/motivating factors to go through with it.

 

[Weary Soul]

Haven't quite run out of money yet - but I will be completely out of money very soon.

 

[Pookie]

Because my body is a machine programmed by millions of years of evolution to survive at all costs. Also due to modern medicine. The only way it seems I can stop this stupid body of mine from functioning altogether is to take myself out. Or hopefully get into some kind of fatal accident.

 

[Smart No More]

Im still alive becouse my younger brother loves me dearly. I dont want to leave him, because he already has it hard enough on his own and my suicide would break him :(

I relate to this so badly.

 

[Makko]

Too comfortable. Once the comfort is taken away...

 

[nopointofliving]

I don't have access to easy methods

 

[Bedrock48]

Honestly I ask myself that a lot too.

I have good days and bad days right now. However, having an exit plan sorted has really helped me keep facing another day even when things kinda suck. Plus, with my plan there is a slight downside. When the time comes I currently have to travel a fair distance to get to location and that honestly stops me sometimes. Guess that's both a good and bad thing, depending on your angle.

Guilt of leaving people and causing them damage definitely haunts me a lot too.

Once the right situations and feelings align though, there'll be little to stop me and I'll hopefully leave peacefully.

 

[ReadyForIt]

I guess I'm still alive due to fear of pain from my method (even though it would be over rather quickly), as well as fear that I might survive the attempt and be much worse off than before.

 

[inthemoonblue]

My ED has given my life a sense of purpose again, I relapsed hard

 

[Øystein]

No good method available and access towards any (even as simple as ordering shit online) is heavily restricted for me

 

[Pisceslilith]

I can't afford my preferred method.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

Chickening out, being cowardly, and worst of all, not having my ideal method.

 

[lilac]

Not quite sure how to go about it. My shotgun came in today but I really want to avoid traumatizing my family especially my little sister. I'm not sure how I should make sure it's not my family who finds my body cuz I don't want to call police right before I shoot myself. Also I don't want to ruin the house by getting my blood everywhere but I don't want to shoot myself outside. I'll probably just end up shooting myself in my room anyways.

 

[motel rooms]

Sex, masturbation & cowardice

 

[Amumu]

I need my grandmother to die, my bother to marry and have kids, my parents to retire and my sister to finish her studies and find a boyfriend.
Hopefully all of that will happen in the next years to come.

 

[Curdrad]

Fear of death, worries over my parents, a increasingly unlikely hope of turning things around for myself. It'd be better to get it over with quickly but it feels impossible to override survival instincts.

 

[Rayzieka]

Just hanging on for the hell of it right now until I can't control my actions and become too much of a problem due to my mental illness.
By the way I'm pretty sure sn doesn't allow you that last drink because of vomiting.

 

[Hurt]

Because I have to do things before I go.