Why are you still alive?

[PTSDream]

I'm a mom & still have a school-aged child at home. I can't in right conscience do it while I'm responsible for another human being.

 

[Jumper]

I'm about to turn 21, but I've been depressed ever since a few months after I turned 17. My depression/apathy towards life stems from health conditions I developed. Logically thinking about my situation, I feel like I'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this, but a part of me keeps telling me that there's hope even though there is little to no evidence of that.

With that being said, I'm still trying to determine whether this is a fight worth fighting.

What health conditions, if you don't mind me asking? I have some too - physical and mental.

For me: Lack of access to lethal means during impulsive moments. SI during the well planned "attempts".

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

What health conditions, if you don't mind me asking? I have some too - physical and mental.

Brain fog, sleep disturbances, digestive issues, severe sexual dysfunction, and dryness (I know this one may sound super irrelevant, but when it's 24/7, and affects skin, eyes, mouth, everything, it's torture). They all developed after I took Accutane (one of the unlucky few who reacted extremely poorly to it).

Off-topic comment: Your name is also the name to one of my favorite songs

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

Because my previous attempts didn't work. Because I'm waiting on supplies for my next chosen method to arrive. And because I promised my mother I wouldn't do anything for a certain amount of days, to give her time to try to 'fix' things for me, and knowing how much grief I'm going to put her through I think I owe her that simple request.

 

[dandan]

Because my previous attempts didn't work. Because I'm waiting on supplies for my next chosen method to arrive. And because I promised my mother I wouldn't do anything for a certain amount of days, to give her time to try to 'fix' things for me, and knowing how much grief I'm going to put her through I think I owe her that simple request.

great! mom's are awesome.... my mom has already gone to therapy and group therapy regarding me killing myself, she says something like "I've already dealt with it, its your choice honey, and I love you"

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

great! mom's are awesome.... my mom has already gone to therapy and group therapy regarding me killing myself, she says something like "I've already dealt with it, its your choice honey, and I love you"

You're so lucky to have a great mom, and for her to have been able to process your choice. I'm blessed with an amazing mother but I know she'll never understand, let alone accept my decision. At this point I'm just hanging around as long as I can to try to mitigate any feelings of fault or guilt she might have about me.

 

[dandan]

You're so lucky to have a great mom, and for her to have been able to process your choice. I'm blessed with an amazing mother but I know she'll never understand, let alone accept my decision. At this point I'm just hanging around as long as I can to try to mitigate any feelings of fault or guilt she might have about me.

oh I can only image she's been strong, its a topic we've talked since 15 years ago... when I had ECT therapy
and then again a few times back, and last year, was the worst... ( a girl told me I was the father of her 1 year old baby, and we only had sex once, and I didnt like her that much to have a baby, I couldnt handle it, being responsible for a baby boy when I was ready to kill my self, that just made me buy the nitrogen kit and attempt to go out, failed)
but my mom, she would definitely be devastated, I have asked her many times for her to understand and to please forgive me
not cool
wish we could get better right away

 

[wanttodie]

Must suck not being able to obtain N

yes

sucks not being able to obtain N im in Canada don,t want to take the chance if it being stopped at the border or I

would​

got and taken it and my life

would​

over all be glad when I end my life ​

 

[dandan]

yes
sucks not being able to obtain N im in Canada don,t want to take the chance if it being stopped at the border or I
would

got and taken it and my life
would

over all be glad when I end my life

when you end your life, I think there nothing
no way to be glad
and I can not imagine anyone gladly drinking N, well not gladly, but maybe I'm so wrong

I want to fly to my hometown with N on the plane, dont know what sticker to put on it haha we all got our issues

 

[Darkhaven]

I'm about to turn 21, but I've been depressed ever since a few months after I turned 17. My depression/apathy towards life stems from health conditions I developed. Logically thinking about my situation, I feel like I'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this, but a part of me keeps telling me that there's hope even though there is little to no evidence of that.

With that being said, I'm still trying to determine whether this is a fight worth fighting.

That seems a lot like my situation. I'm just a year and some months older.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I've been flirting with recovery.

I don't think I will ever 'recover' .

I have stopped a few low key drugs , ( booze and nicotine and marijuana ) - but
that just makes it clearer to me how I missed 'living' these past decades.

Regrets at toxic level.

At the moment I am ruminating on my isolated life and comparing a decade or so left
of average existence ( can't see passionate celebratory involvement ever happening )
or 'calling it a day' .

I knew I would find myself in the paradoxical situation of having more equanimity (?)
and less resources ... !

Not enough guts or commitment to 'make it happen ' either way I guess.

( Poetically I am kind of OK with it , because I am not one of humanities fans , so
NOT being a passionate true believer ( that usually involves wreaking havoc on all other creatures )
is kind of ok in it's own way . )

 

[Sunshine]

It's a little bit of cowardice and most importantly to worry of hurting the people who care about me really, really badly.

 

[Theon]

I'm afraid of eternal oblivion.

I dream of eternal oblivion.

 

[Ramirez]

Cuz im too fucking scared to kill myself. Im such a pussy lol

 

[dandan]

Cuz im too fucking scared to kill myself. Im such a pussy lol

LOL hahahaha I get it

I have stopped a few low key drugs , ( booze and nicotine and marijuana ) - but
that just makes it clearer to me how I missed 'living' these past decades.

Im quitting too, days last longer, im ok with quitting decision.... also quit benzos which the doctor prescribed, and Risperidone, which doctor thinks im crazy for believing in Bitcoin, perhaps I should change doctor? but he's so kind, he doesnt charge me a fee, he says he loves me, he's 98 years old... he's been very bad lately, I will see him today, if he lasts, he can die any minute, haha, he lived a great life... cool

 

[JWL]

I'm a mom & still have a school-aged child at home. I can't in right conscience do it while I'm responsible for another human being.

Good thinking!!

 

[whyidon'tknow]

Because it is hard to die

 

[JWL]

I dream of eternal oblivion.

Sounds totally boring...

 

[deshper]

Honestly I'm scared of failing and ending up in a state where I can't try again, as in paralyzed or a vegetable. The thought of that is terrifying. I'm going to go soon though, I can't keep living like this.

 

[thedutchguy]

Still working at getting some affairs in order. If that is done ill soon be gone. Nothing for me here to stay

 

[pane]

Cuz im too fucking scared to kill myself. Im such a pussy lol

Because it is hard to die

That's the major reason for me too. I hate myself, hate my life but my instinct for self-preservation is still too strong that I can't bring myself to end it all. So I'm trapped between these two extremes of a life I hate and a death I fear and they're slowly squeezing me like a vise.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

That's the major reason for me too. I hate myself, hate my life but my instinct for self-preservation is still too strong that I can't bring myself to end it all. So I'm trapped between these two extremes of a life I hate and a death I fear and they're slowly squeezing me like a vise.

Yep, life seems to have trapped many of us between a rock and a hard place

Hmu if you want to talk

 

[CursedForDisaster]

Family

 

[FauxEmotions]

Too afraid of the unknown, but sick of the known. It's a strange spot to be in really. I do find myself really thinking intensely about hanging myself on the rare occasions my roommate is gone for the night. Life is fucking strange.

 

[TimeToDie]

Because I'm not nearly as accomplished as a child. Like a 6-year-old girl who hung herself after an argument with mom. Or like a 12-year-old girl who jumped to her death after ordering an Uber to drive her to a parking structure. Or like a 15-year-old Russian boy who cut his head off with a chainsaw after losing a video game. Or like a 17-year-old girl who stopped eating after she was refused euthanasia. Kids can do it. We can only talk about it with other people who also can't do it.

I overthink everything. I procrastinate to the extreme. I'm the polar opposite of impulsive. These are the ways that I have always been and they get in the way of doing so many things. These are terrible traits to have if you want to CTB.

 

[JWL]

Come on, N is a available, why choose any other method?

Perhaps because I don't live in or near Mexico....

 

[Robbyna]

Im still alive because I'm afraid of what happens when you die.

 

[sólstafir]

I'm not sure I prefer death to life. I only have this life and my perception of life keeps changing. I don't know what it is in my head... it's a nightmare sometimes, well, for years, but next to suicidal thoughts I also have hope/mental clarity from time to time. Knowing I will cause so much pain to my family stops me too. And I'm afraid of fucking up my attempt and ending up in even worse condition. Such are my thoughts today at least.

 

[Egddios]

Probably about 2 grams every week. Snorted


It does help, thank you

I also use cocaine, though I've stopped recently as the psychiatrist I was seeing before my current one was insisting on having my urine tested in order to prescribe Klonopin, which helps me tremendously and yeah...cocaine gets expensive, too. It's like I had to pick between blow or Klonopin, and I guess for now I choose Klonopin.

I still smoke weed though. It helps.

All drugs should be legalized. Some people hear cocaine and immediately think there's a brick on the kitchen counter. At least, that's how a close friend of mine thought when I was open about my cocaine use.

 

[AtomicNewt]

There's not a day goes past I don't ask myself the same question