Why are you still alive?

[wanttodie]

I'm alive because I'm afraid my me

method ​

wont work need to die when I find a good

method well kill me ​

​

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm still alive because it's sunny again today.
It's a stupid reason, but I love sunlight that much. Basking in it. Laying in it. Soaking it in. People have joked that I am a plant.

A few things keep me here, but overwhelmingly, it is sunlight. Nature. Animals. Things I'm allergic to but still find magical.

It's not a stupid reason. Not at all. Enjoy it as much as you can (mind your health of course), the best thing about it is that it's free.

 

[KnightBlade]

I'm alive because of my pet. If I did not have her, I would be gone. I have no illusions that she would miss me when I am gone (she'll love anyone who'll feed her), but it is my responsibility to find her a good home. I refuse to surrender her to a shelter or give her to someone I don't know. Until I decide where to place her, I cannot grant myself the peace to CTB.

 

[Roger]

I'm alive because of my pet. If I did not have her, I would be gone. I have no illusions that she would miss me when I am gone (she'll love anyone who'll feed her), but it is my responsibility to find her a good home. I refuse to surrender her to a shelter or give her to someone I don't know. Until I decide where to place her, I cannot grant myself the peace to CTB.

Good for you.

 

[JWL]

I'm still alive because it's sunny again today.
It's a stupid reason, but I love sunlight that much. Basking in it. Laying in it. Soaking it in. People have joked that I am a plant.

A few things keep me here, but overwhelmingly, it is sunlight. Nature. Animals. Things I'm allergic to but still find magical.

It's not a stupid reason. I fully understand it.

 

[Scribble Fan]

My younger brother. I want to ctb more than anything but I can't jump the mental hurdle of how much trauma this will cause him. Otherwise I'd be free.

 

[JWL]

I'm afraid of eternal oblivion.

I'm more afraid of Boris Johnson becoming the next PM. That's eternal damnation...

 

[KnightBlade]

Good for you.

She has brought a lot of joy in my life. The least I can do is make sure she is taken care of AND it is my responsibility as a pet owner — she did not force me to adopt her. Thinking about her welfare also safeguards against me making rash decisions. CTBing is not a decision to be made lightly and I want no regrets.

 

[JWL]

I'm alive because of my pet. If I did not have her, I would be gone. I have no illusions that she would miss me when I am gone (she'll love anyone who'll feed her), but it is my responsibility to find her a good home. I refuse to surrender her to a shelter or give her to someone I don't know. Until I decide where to place her, I cannot grant myself the peace to CTB.

I like your way of thinking.

 

[Jessica5]

I'm afraid of failing with the method I choose and becoming a vegetable. And not having the ability to leave my bed for decades, let alone make a second suicide attempt. That's really the only reason why I'm alive.

I don't even care about any 15 minute pain I might feel from my method.15 minutes is nothing compared to 60 years of living.

 

[JWL]

I live because i don't have balls to end it. For now.

Men are so luck to 'have balls' to do things. Women just have to get by, I suppose...

 

[dandan]

I'm alive because I'm afraid my me

method ​

wont work need to die when I find a good

method well kill me ​

​

Must suck not being able to obtain N

 

[Darkhaven]

A lot of things to figure out, family to think about, and i'd to like to give life a try after i get done with University.
I will almost certainly be rolled over by life and tossed to the side like your average roadkill but i won't do it before i know 100% that there is nothing for me left...

 

[Orin]

Still living a relatively comfortable life. Nothing lasts forever of course, hence the prep.

 

[JWL]

I'm afraid of failing with the method I choose and becoming a vegetable. And not having the ability to leave my bed for decades, let alone make a second suicide attempt. That's really the only reason why I'm alive.

I don't even care about any 15 minute pain I might feel from my method.15 minutes is nothing compared to 60 years of living.

I dunno. 15 minutes of intense pain is not to be underestimated.

 

[KnightBlade]

I like your way of thinking.

I am prone to making emotional decisions. A lot of the mistakes I've made in life can be attributed to me making rash decisions while in the throes of a depressive episode. The dog makes me act like, as Prince says, my age instead of my shoe size!

 

[Tortured_empath]

I'm more afraid of Boris Johnson becoming the next PM. That's eternal damnation...

Get a load of this guy...

 

[JWL]

Get a load of this guy...

Who? Me, Buffoon, or both?

 

[KnightBlade]

I'm afraid of eternal oblivion.

Oblivion sounds so comforting to me. I guess it is because the depressive thoughts whip around my mind constantly like a tornado. An eternity of peace and quiet would be welcome.

 

[Tortured_empath]

Oblivion sounds so comforting to me. I guess it is because the depressive thoughts whip around my mind constantly like a tornado. An eternity of peace and quiet would be welcome.

I understand. I guess I'm still stuck at wishing my life could be different. The concept of suicide saddens me. You talk about peace and quiet but the way I see it, in oblivion, there is no peace and quiet, there is nothing, you are nothing, and that terrifies me.

 

[dandan]

I'm afraid of failing with the method I choose and becoming a vegetable. And not having the ability to leave my bed for decades, let alone make a second suicide attempt. That's really the only reason why I'm alive.

I don't even care about any 15 minute pain I might feel from my method.15 minutes is nothing compared to 60 years of living.

Come on, N is a available, why choose any other method?

 

[agreement]

Because....

Wait! Am I still alive?

F*** F*** I knew it!

 

[JWL]

Oblivion sounds so comforting to me. I guess it is because the depressive thoughts whip around my mind constantly like a tornado. An eternity of peace and quiet would be welcome.

A few weeks would be nice, but an eternity would bore the shit out of me.

 

[KnightBlade]

A few weeks would be nice, but an eternity would bore the shit out of me.

True. I think I misinterpreted @Tortured_empath. To me, oblivion means that I will cease to exist — no immortal soul, no afterlife. How could I be bored if I no longer exist?

Now, if oblivion means that my soul would ascend to some plane where there is nothingness and I would just sit and stare into the aether — I agree with you wholeheartedly. That would be a miserable existence— I would rather go to Biblehell.

 

[Tortured_empath]

True. I think I misinterpreted @Tortured_empath. To me, oblivion means that I will cease to exist — no immortal soul, no afterlife. How could I be bored if I no longer exist?

Now, if oblivion means that my soul would ascend to some plane where there is nothingness and I would just sit and stare into the aether — I agree with you wholeheartedly. That would be a miserable existence— I would rather go to Biblehell.

I meant the same. Ceasing to exist. But the concept of peace and quiet requires some sort of existance, at least in my eyes. There won't be any sweet relief when you aren't there to experience it.

 

[deflagrat]

I am supposed to wait until my parents die or I can't continue living my NEET lifestyle (or both). The urge to die is weaker with medication, and with that I stay afloat for the time being, waiting for the storm that will tear me apart. I was granted disability benefits in December 2018, hopefully permanently, and that has the potential to change my life for the better. It could be worse, the worst part of my life is over.

 

[weonaestupida]

sometimes i feel like i'm waiting my mom's death to kill myself bc i really dont want to ruin her life or leave her alone (she's not that old (53 y/o))

 

[dandan]

sometimes i feel like i'm waiting my mom's death to kill myself bc i really dont want to ruin her life or leave her alone (she's not that old (53 y/o))

Exactly, that too, is one of the biggest reasons. my mom's 60, almost 61.
my mom was a ballet teacher, so she still has great condition, I guess she can live a long life, but we never know....

I want to live and have a good life. I feel like I have so much to live for and so much potential. Life has fucked me over to the point that I am incapable of trusting anyone and I am starting to think that my very spirit is now broken. I don't think it's going to repair itself or bounce back this time. I've been extremely fortunate to have had the some of the best psychological and psychiatric treatment available in the world in the last 1.5 yrs and I have learned so much about myself and I know life would be easier for me going forward because of it but something deep inside me just can't bring itself to participate in the world again and rebuild my life. I feel it deep down that I've just had enough shit. I was actually beginning to get ready to go back to work a few months ago and had a great business opportunity arise out of the blue. I grabbed it and went for it. I went into a business arrangement with someone and he fucked me over badly and it sealed this feeling for me. I can't seem to bring myself to put myself into a situation where I can be fucked over again, and that includes pretty much all situations.

Yes I take responsibility for bad decisions (like telling a co-worker the boss looked at my boobs a lot, which resulted in me having to resign from my last job), etc, but I wouldn't be where I am without having been fucked over by an incompetent psychiatrist and the childhood I had. Where am I? I want to live. I don't want to kill myself but I have to support myself to survive in this world, and it would appear I am no longer able to because my spirit is broken. I am educated, professional and have skillsets that are rare and in high demand and pay well. But I just can't bring myself to go back. Once my money runs out, I'll have to kill myself because its the only choice I have unless I want to be homeless. Fuck no. Talk about things getting worse.

I fucking understand, if my parents would've listen
I couldnt work and they made me sell my Bitcoins, they could be rich now
they could've invested couple hundreths and be millionaires today...
damm it...
im afraid if I lose my job, I wouldnt be abe to pay rent

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

I'm about to turn 21, but I've been depressed ever since a few months after I turned 17. My depression/apathy towards life stems from health conditions I developed. Logically thinking about my situation, I feel like I'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this, but a part of me keeps telling me that there's hope even though there is little to no evidence of that.

With that being said, I'm still trying to determine whether this is a fight worth fighting.

 

[dandan]

some hope its worth it to keep trying a little longer, in my opinion, plus you are young, I've been with depression since 18yo
im 39 now
and I dont regret not killing myself before
just dont know where I'm at, like you, I am starting to accept my condition
but tried to change it for 20 years with no success...

Is this fight worth fighting? cant tell yet...