Venting I'm still unfortunately alive.

[bpdscared9]

it's been a while since I was around the forum and it has been awfully hard all these past few months to being alive. I think one of the hardest moments lately is not even the relapsing itself but how much I just wish to die. I was never a believer of God or Jesus or any religion out there but the amount of pain feels completely unbearable nowadays and it completely shatters my soul because it's been a while since I felt in so much despair and although I have a few people in my life I can share a thing or two, it's difficult for someone who cares about you to hear completely about how you truly feel and what it hurts in the soul.

I think I never wished more to be dead than right now, the seeking for peace feels out of this world and I'm running out of comforts out there and reasons to be alive. I'll CTB in a couple of years and yet the thought isn't relieving anymore, it just feels like my last hope in life and I can't shake the thought of just choosing a sooner date so I can go but it really hurts knowing that dying is not a comfort anymore and nothing probably is. Nor my cats or people out there, I'm just staying for the sake of my best friend and my fellow cats who's been with me for a couple of years, I hope they can forgive me for it eventually. But I just wish to be dead right now and just seek for some peace of mind and in my heart, hopefully.

 

[ThisPartySucks]

But I just wish to be dead right now and just seek for some peace of mind and in my heart, hopefully.

You're not alone there. I wish you the best in your endeavors, whether you CTB or seek help.