Discussion Why are you still alive, right now?

[Volatile]

Because really we want to live? "Boo, hiss. Pro lifer, get him!"

Mwahahaha

 

[starcrossedfate]

The path of least possible resistance at the moment.

 

[Deafsn0w]

survival instincts, no money

 

[Voldmort]

I have to finalize the plan and buy the ingredients.

possibly it will be early next year.

 

[loser41]

im scared and still planning

 

[sumbumedguy]

Me be a lonly isolated broke unmotivated falure who forgot how to spell that word. It's why I wanna die nd it's why I'm still here

 

[Arak]

Considering methods, fundamental and practical. Also, I'd rather live than die but it seems that living will not be an option. If I had had access to cyanide early this year I would have been gone, I think.

 

[Goldie]

1. Most days are terrible, but some days I have tiny tiny bit of hope only for this to come crashing down on me.

Whats worse, I am due to start a new job next week, I should be happy but I still feel suicidal so I am unhappy about not being happy about the new job as well as the primary unhappiness. I tragically resined from my current job on the same day I ordered N from A

2. I actually tried to order N from A using Moneygram but the transaction got cancelled!!!!!!!!! I did not have time to arrange to get BTC before A went into surgery. So, this the main reason why I am still here.

EDIT:

3. Stupid though it sounds I am worried that if I just try very hard 'one more time' I might be able to fix the problems. I want to die due to a broken heart and despite hearing the word "never" so many times from my ex I am in a situation where just 1 message/text I received said something like "I'm sorry I want you back xxx" all my problems would go away. Consequently I plan to remove the battery from phone when I do it just in case I take 2 N bottles and then 5 seconds later get such a text.

I would be just my luck for something like this to happen to me ahahah.

 

[Revok]

Fear of failure and fear of pain.

 

[Lost1234]

The idea of having my mother go through another "child suicide" moment , Fear of failure - having to repeat failure and the "one more day" lie to myself

 

[Final Escape]

The idea of having my mother go through another "child suicide" moment , Fear of failure - having to repeat failure and the "one more day" lie to myself

I do the one more day thing too it's not like it's goin to get better or some miracle will happen yet we prolong the torture.

 

[Philip]

Definitely fear.......

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Fear of the pain of death, and what's on the other side.

 

[ParamitePie]

I had someone who was emotionally and physically dependent on me for their wellbeing. Now, I'm just waiting for an amusing date I chose. I guess I'll come back to this thread if I'm alive a day after that and answer why I failed.

 

[RogueJuliet]

Marriage and the complicated politics of failure.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I'm waiting for the N to arrive. Hopefully this will be before December.

Cowardice is part of the reason I've lived so long. I attempted suicide many years ago, and failed. I decided to give life another chance. Bad mistake, life sucks, it's not worth it.

 

[worldexploder]

Failed on my attempt... Will perform another one pretty soon...

Well failing at an attempt doesn't mean you are a failure. We are family here! We love each other and validate.

Never seen a group filled with so much acceptance.

 

[worldexploder]

I'm waiting for the N to arrive. Hopefully this will be before December.

Cowardice is part of the reason I've lived so long. I attempted suicide many years ago, and failed. I decided to give life another chance. Bad mistake, life sucks, it's not worth it.

You are NOT a coward. We all have to go though a lot of mental gymnastics in order to do this. I failed twice. It wasn't because I was a coward. It was because I had self preservation instincts (which is primal) and high panic response when I tried partial suspension.

On my part, when I first tried to overdose, it was ignorance on my part. Ignorance is not the same as being stupid. I gave life chance after chance after chance as well. I always regretted it personally.

 

[jake]

there are a few reasons that i am still here. first, although i long ago settled on the right method for me and have that all planned out, i cannot resist questioning that and continuing to search for something that will appear to be accidental. i know that my suicide will affect my children and if there was a way to avoid that -- a way to make it look like it was not suicide -- that would be ideal. second, accepting that there is not likely any method that will be sufficiently certain but still leave room for them to believe it was an accident, i have been working on letters to each of them trying to explain why i did this, and telling them all the things i want them to know ... all the things i would say to them over the coming years if i was here. third, i am trying to get as much as i can sorted out to make the months after i'm gone as simple and stress-free as possible. and last, there is some vague feeling deep inside that i wish this was not the thing i have to do. maybe that grows out of an innate survival instinct -- my mind is trying to convince myself that i do not need to end my life. maybe it's fear of what comes next, for me and for the people i love. or maybe it's some vague hope that things will be better "tomorrow" or a curiosity about what each successive day looks like. whatever the source or reason, this feeling is occasionally hard to overcome, and it gets in the way of the practical things i have to finish before i go ... the letters and the logistical steps especially.

 

[Kev]

A generic mixture of clinging onto some small hope of finding love/life improving which seems to fade in and out of existence, survival instinct, and wanting to stay for my close friends.

 

[airixv]

1. Failed last month and haven't been left alone as my family and best friend (who I live with) know I'm still a danger to myself. I finally have gained enough trust and have a window of opportunity today though so am planning to seize that if our dumbass flatmates stay out of the house. I don't wanna wait any longer (til they've moved out) so I'll make the gamble, although I'm terrified of the thought of being caught and becoming a vegetable. I'll just play loud music to mask any sounds and act fast.

2. Guilt...I know this will rip my family to pieces. Even more so when they know why I've done it. They keep making me promise them I won't kill myself over a dumb boy but he's destroyed me beyond repair, I'll never get over this. My poor mum is emotionally fragile and I'm afraid of what this will do to her but I can't go on like this anymore. I'm sorry Mum.

3. This doesn't apply to me anymore, and I'll take that as a blessing. But in the past when I had suicidal tendencies, ultimately I couldn't do it because deep down I wanted to live. I couldn't stop clinging to what was and what could be. The prospect of total finality was frightening. I still want to live, I don't actually want to die, but at least I've divorced myself from false hope now. It won't matter when I'm in the ground. I just want to find my peace, and I know now that I'll never find that in life, I can only find it in death.

 

[Cee]

1. my pets, im the only one who loves them so much. i need to take care of them, they dont deserve a shitty life just because i want to die.
2. fear, i have so many theories about what happens after death. at the same time though, im kind of excited to find out. I hope that excitement stays with me when its finally time

 

[naia_]

Morning coffee and cigarettes,

addiction to the little pleasures in life,

a failed attempt that scared me from the method I was planning on,

wishful ignorant fantasy thinking,

cowardice

- and greed.

 

[Jai]

Very elaborate, you must have spent quite some time and intelligence for your plan. Chapeau!
It appeals to me, although I would be scared to mess it up by getting drowsy of alcohol and benzo, and fall asleep on the chair... but that's just me...

Same as always a mask for other people never around when you need them all over you when your trying to exit

 

[airixv]

Update: Said dumbass flatmates didn't stay out of the house.

 

[Putridsoul]

The last (or so I hope) remains of hope. I actually fight really hard, and have been figthting until extenuation to fight my depression and psychological disorders since age 16. I am age 24 now; and it doesn't matter how hard I try;I fight myself, and my ilness always proves stronger. I am desperate, every attempt I do at suceeding I end up boycotting, in a extremely self destructive and practically psychopathic manner (in the way that makes it most painful for me). It's like there's something inside me, that I don't really understand nor can control, that hates me and doesn't allow me to get anything good, that tells me I deserve death, as a punishiment; just because I'm horrible and I hate myself.

With each tremenous failure; I destroy some hope, but also for some reason I don't end up surrendering. This is also reflective in my self-lessive behaviour, I make myself the inflict myself cuts and wounds;and a few days after I am there curing myself, just to repeat; I am trapped in eternal conflict. Death is very temptative because this state of self fighting and hating is unsuferable,and it's consequences are pailful to deal with; failure,regret, feeling useless and worthless and that nothing makes sense, frustration, feeling that it doesn't matter how hard you try. I really feel like an extremely ill person, as ill or more ill as someone with the worst cancer; I fought it thinking i could get over it; but I think it is proving to be incurable, and thus Iam heavily considering surrendering.