I just got placed on moderation on the "Recovery" forum and now I can't view it at all.
Ok, fuck it. No recovery for me. This happens all the goddamn fucking time. I recently joined an online group that I thought it might help me find work. Two days. I had barely posted anything. And after two days, I was privately emailed that I am unsuitable for their group. I am allowed to view the group materials.....just not allowed to.....y'know.....talk to....actual people.....
WTF is WRONG with me??? What is SO BAD about me??? This is the shit that makes me want to die more than anything else, that I am not fit for the companionship of other people, and I don't know why..
Sure, there have been times I do understand exactly why. Like, I know perfectly well when I said something unkind---there's a lot of noise in my head and I can't always shut it off. Not that that's a good excuse. Point is, there are times I know why.
But far more often, I've said little or nothing. I'm just not good enough to be around "the normal people." Go sit in the corner, you dirty little stinking worthless bitch. That's what I HEAR when I post someplace once o twice and get kicked out or placed on the watch list. (Look out, folks! She MIGHT do something crazy!)
And then I either self-harm (cutting, starvation), or I take drugs. Or I start thinking about suicide again, because clearly I am not meant to be in the world with the Good Kind of People. Normal People. People Others Like to Talk To.
If you met me in person, I doubt you would guess that I self-harm, abuse drugs, and think about killing myself a lot. If you met me online? Well, you probably don't like me.
Fuck this shitty planet.
Ok, fuck it. No recovery for me. This happens all the goddamn fucking time. I recently joined an online group that I thought it might help me find work. Two days. I had barely posted anything. And after two days, I was privately emailed that I am unsuitable for their group. I am allowed to view the group materials.....just not allowed to.....y'know.....talk to....actual people.....
WTF is WRONG with me??? What is SO BAD about me??? This is the shit that makes me want to die more than anything else, that I am not fit for the companionship of other people, and I don't know why..
Sure, there have been times I do understand exactly why. Like, I know perfectly well when I said something unkind---there's a lot of noise in my head and I can't always shut it off. Not that that's a good excuse. Point is, there are times I know why.
But far more often, I've said little or nothing. I'm just not good enough to be around "the normal people." Go sit in the corner, you dirty little stinking worthless bitch. That's what I HEAR when I post someplace once o twice and get kicked out or placed on the watch list. (Look out, folks! She MIGHT do something crazy!)
And then I either self-harm (cutting, starvation), or I take drugs. Or I start thinking about suicide again, because clearly I am not meant to be in the world with the Good Kind of People. Normal People. People Others Like to Talk To.
If you met me in person, I doubt you would guess that I self-harm, abuse drugs, and think about killing myself a lot. If you met me online? Well, you probably don't like me.
Fuck this shitty planet.
