Venting venting here until I ctb someday

[jesteroutofwork]

my life is just sad at this point. When im not training then the only thing i do is scroll ig reels or read about suicide methods, or if im feeling okay then i'll do some maths. god im so fucking grateful for weight training. its my only purpose in life now. i dont think i care about anything other. ive got only like 1 friend that i text regularly and can have some conversation with. but still i kinda stopped giving any weight and matter to relations with people. really everyone feels like theyre dead. i dont know how to explain this but it genuinely feels like most people are some kind of fucking aliens. i dont feel any bond with them at all. and i dont feel any bond to my parents either. im just floating here in this world without purpose or support group. but people prolly still think im a happy person cuz i go to the gym 4x a week and track my macros accurately everyday lmao. this is so fucked man. my dreams have started to be more interesting than life, im having fucked up dreams after prozac, the best ones are probably nightmares because they are actually immersive and interesting. im slowly and slowly becoming another addition to the yume nikki series for fucks sakes, staying at home and leaving only to get 8000 steps a day. it feels like life is some kind off retarded illusion and nothing matters that much. the worst thing is that i cant really talk to anyone about these feelings irl. most of my friends just responded by saying they're sorry or just straight told me to get over it. and my brother just keeps saying that i matter to him and then drops random mental healthesque slogans like "nobody can help you until you help yourself!" blud im not a fucking opioid addict im just living a miserable autistic fucking life. is it my fucking fault that i feel uncomfortable near every group of people? or that i dont like partying and prefer peace and quiet? srsly go fuck yourself man. Oh, and suicide hotlines. these are the best, my god they are so fucking putrid. genuinely i get mad everytime i see their advertisements on tv/internet. all these fuckers do is either report you to the police for grippy sock jailtime or just talk to you in circles. And somehow most people view them as some kind of god's second coming for fuck sake. and these volunteers there are sooo robotics, they always ask the same questions and follow the same rigid structure when talking to you. it feels fucking dystopian, almost like talking to some thought police officer. after all you have to keep your suicidal ideations to yourself. man im just waiting for the university to start. ill move 500+km and live in a dorm. this will either make me or break me and idc about the outcome. if adult live and living in a dorm wont be good for me then i'll be happy to ctb with sn, this shit is sold like candy in my country anyways. but if uni turns out to make me a lot of friendships and give my life a purpose then that will do. im giving life one last try but its so fucking agonising to still wait for it. im still stuck in my small town and theres absolutely no one here to talk to. it feels fucking painful to leave the house and see my peers talking to each other at this point honestly. its like the world has already acknowledged my suicidality and removed me from itself before i actually ctb. ctbing at 18 feels bit too fast but ive been pushing myself to live longer since like what, 15 yo? i dont really want to push myself any further. its already a struggle to find a purpose here. man i really wish i had a single person that i'd actually care for with reciprocity. really just one person to kill the time together. i fucking hate being here alone. id genuienly would like to be left stranded here on this planet with just one person that is important for me and noone else. and just live like this until we die. and take care of eachother.
anyways i'd really appreaciate if someone leaves here their thoughts about what i had wrote from time to time, take care

 

[jesteroutofwork]

It may sound a bit awkward but my sport performance is making me depressed. I've put a lot of work and time into working out, I've been doing it regularly since 2023, running either an upper lower split or fbw (4 or 3 times a week) for muscle building purpose. I get that everyone is different and everyone progresses at different tempo, but maan im so damn ashamed about my strength. I'm counting calories and working my ass regularly but I can barely bench 80kg with a close grip, while weighing around 80kg as a man. It might sound stupid, but it's really sad when something you've put so much work and dedication to just doesn't pay off that much. And it's hard to compare myself to my peers, almost all of my friends are stronger than me even though they are definitely not that committed, you have to trust me on that lmao. Sport is giving me a lot of purpose to life, but damn it makes me at the time so angry at myself. It almost feels like I'm nerfed by some kind of god lmao. It's awkward to even mention to others that lifting is my main hobby when I'm that weak after 3 years. And other hobbies just don't fulfill me that much. I have an electric guitar I play from time to time, but it kind off got boring now. If feels like all songs sound and play the same, just barre and power chords over and over again. Or when it sounds unique then I usually learn that this song is played on 2 guitars, so I can't really accurately play it. I also like to study and solve some math problems, but it's hard to do it when you're always thinking about your life. I need to be distracted in order to be productive sadly. this summer is getting super long and super boring.

Recently I spent some time with my old friend and even though it was nice I still feel as if I dont have any bond with him. I cannot really explain it correctly. It's exactly what I said in the previous post, it feels like I feel indifferent to most people. Nobody ever told me that, but I feel like I might have schizoid personality disorder honestly. It's like my brain is just wired to feel lonely. I had a bad childhood, containing domestic violence and alcohol. I feel like it might have shapped me this way. I've learned that I cannot be vulnerable with people and I need to be responsible and independent. I don't feel any special bond to my parents, some kind of love. I just respect them but I dont really feel like a part of a family. I know this probably sounds fucking edgy but im not making this shit up. I just dont see any meaning and sense in most relations. But at the same time I really want to have a single deep relationship. So I can care for somebody and for them to be my center of the world. Because currently it's all meaningless. I know people love to say "you need to love yourself before you love someone else!" but I genuinely dont believe this. I dont hate myself, I think im a good and interesting person. But I just dont see why I should keep going. My life feels barely more important than my dreams. I think my only purpose in life is to find someone and make them happy. And then just wait for death. Everything else feels just meaningless even though I still participate in it. I still study for a difficult degree that will give me a good job even though I dont care about money. I still care about myself, take long walks, exercise and clean my house. But it's really just going through the motions. It doesnt carry any meaning with it. I'm just distracting myself.

 

[jesteroutofwork]

I think im actually going to die this year. Nothing really gives me any kind of hope to live. At least I can brag about it here without getting hotlines shoved down my throat. I wish I could live a fulfilling life but im not really satisfied with anything im doing. I've spent like 2 hours today solving limits in maths and though it was a good mental exercise, I had to actively distract myself from the fact I have virtually no interest in continuing this life. It feels like a corrupted save, you know. Almost like you fucked up early game with bad decisions and rng and now when the mid game phase starts you can barely do shit lmao. It's been soo long this way. I was just coping every year by thinking it will get better eventually lol. It takes some resilience I guess. My university experience will be the last chance at getting better, I don't think I want to continue living if that doesn't work. Maybe living independently in a dorm will change me, make me feel like a part of something. Living somewhere far is a pretty drastic change compared to living in your parents house and rotting there everyday. Maybe that's what I need. But if it fails, then sn it is lmao. I have nothing except for low amounts of copium keeping me alive

 

[jesteroutofwork]

it fucking hurts to stay alive. i can only thank god that im still able to exercise and skip days this way. i fucking hate this putrid life. this is way too fucking boring to continue. loneliness is the most disgusting thing i have experienced. i cant feel safe anywhere. almost like all people are just fucking dust in the wind that come and go all the time. god why do i have to endure this for fucks sakes its been 4 years already. how the fuck am i supoposed to continue this shit while feeling so abandoned. why the fuck is it supposed to be that way. that i cannot belong anywhere. im really not surprised that alcoholism was such a common theme in my family. i can imagine drinking everyday after work can let you forget about the futility of life. i dont drink or abuse any substances but i think i can understand now why my dad drunk himself to sleep when i was younger. i dont really enjoy alcohol but i can really understand the escapism behind it. my grandpa did it too. maybe were just programmed this way, to feel fucking empty lmao. maybe thats my destiny. to be an addict and abuse my future family if i ever form one. i just wish to finally meet people i can feel accepted and safe with. i really dc about anything else. i just want to find a safe place in my life and stay there until i fucking die. why the fuck cant i just feel loved

 

[jesteroutofwork]

i think i am indeed getting closer to ctbing. i have really nothing going on in my life apart from gym and future uni. and idk if uni is really something worth living for. i have to live in a dormitory and i dont know how ill feel there. im quite sensitive to noise and lights at night and so i might have problems trying to sleep there. and genuienly i think i will just ctb after a first major inconvenience there. i mean i dont really have anyone i want to live for. i kinda wanted to see snow for the last time because i like winter. but if im going to be completely alone in a different city then i might as well just ctb. its not like im losing something. ill be free from loneliness finally. i wonder how they ll react to my death. prolly would say that i lost fight to depression or some other shit. as if some kind of disease took control of my mind. actually, do i even care? ill be dead by then. here i am, rambling to myself on a suicide forum. first in the bloodline to do ts btw. i just need to wait a month to check out the dorms and uni, last fucking try of living. if that doesnt satisfy me then sn it is. i hope that at least i wont be alone in dying if i get to that point. maybe ill make a bye bye thread i dont fucking know. ive been alone my whole fucking life and if i decide to ctb then my final wish is to talk with someone while dying.

gotta say im happy that i can say this heinous shit here without having helplines and "seek help!" (as if relief from suffering is one fucking doctor visit away) shoved down my throat