Venting just getting shit out and processing some bullshit

[DewDr0p]

I had maybe a week of being like depressed with 3 or 4 days of genuine apathy, going to class because friends would ask questions, hanging out because friends actively sought me out. i bought a bunch of paracetamol yesterday and it felt good but kind of like nothing was real? idk i hit my head a bit, not that hard, to manage shit and then worried baout bothering neighbours, so i just cut for a little while, before running an event i have to put on each week. afterward i felt, good isnt the right word. but maybe a few hours later i got this sense of peace? my freaky elaborate self harm didnt seem quite so appealing anymore. i was planning a nonattempt on thursday. i dont know what im doing. im kind of scared. im so fucking pathetic, cant even differentiate between dreams and reality half th fucking time right now. FUCKFUCKFUCKFICKFIKCFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUKC. i got hungry and had a snack and idontdeservethatidontdeservethatidontdeservethat i need the pain to return. FUCK. i feel like such a fucking larper. im a fucking figment of imagination i swear to god. maybe i gulp that shit down earlier. maybe i am a little bit crazy. maybe i just want to be cos im a fucking attention seeking freak. who the fuck knows.

 

[DewDr0p]

smacked head against wall for a while. need to go to class i guess. i still dont feel fucking real. i think ill try not to eat more than one meal today. maybe ill do a little cutting after class

 

[DewDr0p]

im a fucking puppet. i dont believe everyone is concious because ngl im not half the time

 

[DewDr0p]

i saw a friend in class. it was nice but i felt distant. i feel bad. i saw another friend on the way to class. i think he is worried about me. i dont think he will catch on to the extent of how im feeling.
i want to cry but my eyes aren't really mine enough for that. im not real enough you know? im back on the paracetamol plan. give me that yummy yummy tylenol.

i want to do it right now. on an empty stomach and out of fucks to give. but a friend's birthday thing is tomorrow. i need to make a card and paint the gift a few of us are giving her. i didnt do anything to choose the gift, a friend knocked on my door and gave it to me. at least he didnt knock while i was cutting.

i did my research. acetaminophen overdose is often asymptomatic at first, but a lot of people say it can be miserable too. i want to be miserable. maybe ill take some escitalopram. i need to suffer.

i have movie night with some friends on wednesday night. i hope they dont sleep over. i want to do it late that night, have a few hours passed beforei take the bus. at least risk fucking something. maybe i am a gambler,

 

[hihi2027]

i saw a friend in class. it was nice but i felt distant. i feel bad. i saw another friend on the way to class. i think he is worried about me. i dont think he will catch on to the extent of how im feeling.
i want to cry but my eyes aren't really mine enough for that. im not real enough you know? im back on the paracetamol plan. give me that yummy yummy tylenol.

If you're attempting ctb, tylenol is pointless because your body will treat it like a poison, and you will vomit it up. Even if you do actually take enough to die and somehow keep it down, I warn you that it will be a long process. Your liver will slowly die, and from what I've, heard it's VERY painful and you will be heard by other people. Inevitably, those people will find out you're in pain and take you to the hospital and possibly force you into a 72 hour psychological hold. If you do it alone, I can almost guarentee that you will call emergency services yourself out of panic and pain once the painful symptoms do occur

I know you said you need to suffer but this stuff isn't going to work in your favor. Take a breath. We need to think of ways to find peace without causing all that suffering for no reason. I won't go against your decision either, but I highly suggest doing some research on the forums. There is a thread somewhere that gives information on methods. I don't remember where it is, it is worth looking for.

I would wait until the friend's birthday and the movie night passes, then decide how you feel going forward. I don't know if what I said was helpful but i hope something will work out for you

 

[DewDr0p]

my friend wants to go th gym later tonight. i said yes. i hope i dont feel too shit.

If you're attempting ctb, tylenol is pointless because your body will treat it like a poison, and you will vomit it up. Even if you do actually take enough to die and somehow keep it down, I warn you that it will be a long process. Your liver will slowly die, and from what I've, heard it's VERY painful and you will be heard by other people. Inevitably, those people will find out you're in pain and take you to the hospital and possibly force you into a 72 hour psychological hold. If you do it alone, I can almost guarentee that you will call emergency services yourself out of panic and pain once the painful symptoms do occur

I know you said you need to suffer but this stuff isn't going to work in your favor. Take a breath. We need to think of ways to find peace without causing all that suffering for no reason. I won't go against your decision either, but I highly suggest doing some research on the forums. There is a thread somewhere that gives information on methods. I don't remember where it is, it is worth looking for.

I would wait until the friend's birthday and the movie night passes, then decide how you feel going forward. I don't know if what I said was helpful but i hope something will work out for you

hey thanks for the care, genuinely. it isn't a real attempt to CTB. its just a more involved and well planned incident of self harm. Hitting my head and cutting havent been enough, and im too pussy to cut deeper. ive been skipping meals, but having friends around makes it really hard. i only really have access to paracetamol (tylenol) and escitalopram, and i need to suffer so that i can keep living. sorry, i know this isnt probably the right forum to express this.

 

[DewDr0p]

i had dinner and now my mood is so fucking low and i hate myself so so so fucking much. really stressed about gym, but i love my friend so ill go. will rpobs just chuck on headphones and run on the treadmill. least self concious activity. i made the gift for my friend so. that's something? i skipped my ssri this morning. ill double dose tomorrow. i deserve to feel miserable. i want to drive myself away from the people i care about. i dont text them they dont really text me. only my bestie does. the rest i only each out to or whatever because of existing plans. im fading into the background a little bit. which is good. they made attempts to reach out. i just shrunk away from them. excited to suffer soon. i have a silly fantasy about taking a bunch of paracetamol before a meeting. if i feel good ill go to it, but leave as soon as its done. i feel bad for abandoning my responsibilities but oh well. i think ill try not to eat at all tomorrow. this uncomfortable fullness after fasting is worse than the little hunger pangs. im convinced my feelings arent real. and i hate it so much. i need to hurt so i can be in enough distress for someone to say yes it is unfortunate, even though you were very lucky to have an amazing supporting family and strong friendships, your brain, without the direct support of family, just fell apart! a sigh, what a shame she was too scared to reach out for help. we gave her all the pamphlets and emails! we even did a follow up call.

im sorry dad. i know you think self harm and suicide is just such selfdestructive tragedy. i know you have only seen it in response to immense trauma. i know this is your worst nightmare. im sorry. im grateful but i need to be in pain. the world had it the right way when i was born. i never deserved to heal or live. great! im smart. so the fuck what? it isn't like ill make any real contributions to the world. there are so many scientists so much smarter than me. and i really dont care about learning anymore. how fucking tragic is that? all my life ive been waiting to get into research and learning and now im here and guess what? its fun. but it's okay if it comes to an end. everyone would say at least she had a good life and she would be right.

why is it that i feel comfortable referring to myself as she only when im hypothetically dead or suffering? internalised misogyny i guess

my friends are convinced that im smart. that i learn shit faster, do better with less effort. it kind of makes me hate myself. i have fun but i just get so much more apathetic.

i have a friend with bipolar and adhd. he is so fucking brilliant. he is a bit of a loser (affectionately), but god. i know he is going to do great things. i see how good of an older brother he is.

i mentioned learning that people can OD on paracetamol a few weeks ago and he told me how stupid and ineffective it is. im going to have to apologise to him.

 

[DewDr0p]

i went to the gym and yay i did exercise but fuck. so scary. so stressful. i feel so fucking greasy and disgusting. at least my butt looked cute today, i caught a guy looking at it lol. i drank too much water though. feel yuckyyyy. ugh. guess ill shower and put on pjs and a jumper. i got too comfortable baring my arms to my bestie and they are so concerned. i feel bad. they will so berate me when i do this dumbass thing. ah well. just need to remember not to slam my head against the wall while showering while they are here lol