poppies2sleep
Member
- Jun 8, 2026
- 6
Me when I was "talking about it" and being open and honest with friends and family like the media/mainstream claims that they want you to do. (NO ACTIVE threats or anything, just trying to be open and discuss)
*huffs, sighs*. UGH. You WERE doing well. What happened now?
"You're sending alarming scary messages."
"I texted your mom."
"NO! STOP, I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I SAID THAT TO YOU?"
"Have you tried talking to your therapist about it?"
"I don't know what you want me to say about this."
It's funny, because as my mental health improved I would try to have these discussions in a very calm, matter of fact manner of voice and a lot of times it would just turn into me getting fucking barked at. The person continuing to raise their voice and get sharp while me, the apparent crazy one is trying to settle them down, while they claimed I was acting erratically.
Then I was the bad guy for "making them worry" and they wanted to avoid me more. So ironically talking about it pushed people away.
So, I learned my lesson. There is no safe space. All it does is make people angry. Time to go online:
R/SUICIDE WATCH: (BANNED BANNED BANNED)
988 CALL 988 CALL 988
So I began to disguise and keep these feelings to myself. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY:
"You look...tired."
"It looks like you have a mask of happiness on your face."
"Uhhh...how are you doing?"
I started to get a little better at masking it, but it was getting to the point where I actually felt physical pain throughout my body with how hard I was straining not to reveal my cards. I was and am starting to make new connections who had no idea about that part of myself. I was stuck. I knew I couldn't stop the thoughts because I couldn't put them anywhere, but I also knew that if I revealed any of my cards there was NO going back.
Once you reveal that, it's over. You get upset/sad, as humans do ,and everyone around you is wincing. People are sickly nice to you because they're a little afraid of what you might do. You might even ask these people to stick around, only to realize that, if you weren't "Sick", they'd probably just ignore you. I began to accept getting little pity bread crumbs that I knew I would not get if I wasn't feeling this way. It's not like it's a bad thing, it's simply human nature. I'd likely do the same thing.
But I also am not going to pretend like I don't ultimately detest it.
They were just watering the plant to make sure it didn't wilt away, they weren't trying to actually pick any fruit....people who treat you like shit feign worry about you even though they'd probably feel relieved to have you gone.
Until I had made that first post I was white knuckling throwing myself out of the apartment window (and, as you all mentioned, perhaps potentially ruining my life and extending it at the same time, and becoming even worse of a pariah than I already am)
I had nowhere to turn. I didn't want to be locked away, the "safe spaces" were just a bunch of pissed off people who were tired of knowing that I wanted to CTB, the online spaces were censored to high hell.
Que to now that I can just be candid about this part of me and keeping it here: I topped drinking and smoking heavily, I'm invested in my hobbies, and I feel like I have my life back now that I can finally just go to my corner and feel the way I feel.
Now that I effectively hide this part of myself, I feel like people actually like me, not because they're afraid I'm going to jump off of a cliff.
The tone has shifted from: "oh.....hiiiiiiiiIIIi Poppy"
To, "HEY! It's Poppy :)"
Perhaps I can find a partner and I won't be the crazy mentally ill girlfriend, and they'll stay with me because they love me, not because they're scared for me. I want to participate in shows, work on my appearance and develop friendships that people will remember fondly. Of course, when I do make that Final Step a little bit of that will be slightly marred, but at the very least I can be a thriving, pink Ozian Poppy blossoming in the snow, not a wilting one who had always had issues finding fertile soil.
The "talk about it" crowd will still OPENLY admit that when a loved one who has loud, outspoken issues like mine finally CTB that they have a "sense of relief". They can wring their hands and be as guilty about it as they want, but it's fundamentally a human truth.
Hearing "I'm glad to see a smile on your face :)" from the corner store guy was really exemplary for me. The burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have the chance to leave this world being seen the whole, dynamic human being that I know I am before these thoughts consumed me, while also honoring my wishes of what I want to do with my body.
When I write my final letter, it will be clear and concise philisophical document instead of a drunken, crazed manifesto.
The Therapy NPCs/sensationalist articles can say what they want; I have found tranquility in the shadows.
*huffs, sighs*. UGH. You WERE doing well. What happened now?
"You're sending alarming scary messages."
"I texted your mom."
"NO! STOP, I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I SAID THAT TO YOU?"
"Have you tried talking to your therapist about it?"
"I don't know what you want me to say about this."
It's funny, because as my mental health improved I would try to have these discussions in a very calm, matter of fact manner of voice and a lot of times it would just turn into me getting fucking barked at. The person continuing to raise their voice and get sharp while me, the apparent crazy one is trying to settle them down, while they claimed I was acting erratically.
Then I was the bad guy for "making them worry" and they wanted to avoid me more. So ironically talking about it pushed people away.
So, I learned my lesson. There is no safe space. All it does is make people angry. Time to go online:
R/SUICIDE WATCH: (BANNED BANNED BANNED)
988 CALL 988 CALL 988
So I began to disguise and keep these feelings to myself. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY:
"You look...tired."
"It looks like you have a mask of happiness on your face."
"Uhhh...how are you doing?"
I started to get a little better at masking it, but it was getting to the point where I actually felt physical pain throughout my body with how hard I was straining not to reveal my cards. I was and am starting to make new connections who had no idea about that part of myself. I was stuck. I knew I couldn't stop the thoughts because I couldn't put them anywhere, but I also knew that if I revealed any of my cards there was NO going back.
Once you reveal that, it's over. You get upset/sad, as humans do ,and everyone around you is wincing. People are sickly nice to you because they're a little afraid of what you might do. You might even ask these people to stick around, only to realize that, if you weren't "Sick", they'd probably just ignore you. I began to accept getting little pity bread crumbs that I knew I would not get if I wasn't feeling this way. It's not like it's a bad thing, it's simply human nature. I'd likely do the same thing.
But I also am not going to pretend like I don't ultimately detest it.
They were just watering the plant to make sure it didn't wilt away, they weren't trying to actually pick any fruit....people who treat you like shit feign worry about you even though they'd probably feel relieved to have you gone.
Until I had made that first post I was white knuckling throwing myself out of the apartment window (and, as you all mentioned, perhaps potentially ruining my life and extending it at the same time, and becoming even worse of a pariah than I already am)
I had nowhere to turn. I didn't want to be locked away, the "safe spaces" were just a bunch of pissed off people who were tired of knowing that I wanted to CTB, the online spaces were censored to high hell.
Que to now that I can just be candid about this part of me and keeping it here: I topped drinking and smoking heavily, I'm invested in my hobbies, and I feel like I have my life back now that I can finally just go to my corner and feel the way I feel.
Now that I effectively hide this part of myself, I feel like people actually like me, not because they're afraid I'm going to jump off of a cliff.
The tone has shifted from: "oh.....hiiiiiiiiIIIi Poppy"
To, "HEY! It's Poppy :)"
Perhaps I can find a partner and I won't be the crazy mentally ill girlfriend, and they'll stay with me because they love me, not because they're scared for me. I want to participate in shows, work on my appearance and develop friendships that people will remember fondly. Of course, when I do make that Final Step a little bit of that will be slightly marred, but at the very least I can be a thriving, pink Ozian Poppy blossoming in the snow, not a wilting one who had always had issues finding fertile soil.
The "talk about it" crowd will still OPENLY admit that when a loved one who has loud, outspoken issues like mine finally CTB that they have a "sense of relief". They can wring their hands and be as guilty about it as they want, but it's fundamentally a human truth.
Hearing "I'm glad to see a smile on your face :)" from the corner store guy was really exemplary for me. The burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have the chance to leave this world being seen the whole, dynamic human being that I know I am before these thoughts consumed me, while also honoring my wishes of what I want to do with my body.
When I write my final letter, it will be clear and concise philisophical document instead of a drunken, crazed manifesto.
The Therapy NPCs/sensationalist articles can say what they want; I have found tranquility in the shadows.
