inspektor
New Member
- Aug 15, 2026
- 2
long time lurker first time poster. this is gonna be kind of an aimless rant. maybe someone can relate to it.
im a survivor of severe and complex trauma. i dont want to name any specifics but it is the kind of thing that people do not get better from. it was sadistic and extreme and lasted from birth until i was maybe 16 years old.
i was 8 years old when i first realized that i could put a stop to everything by shooting myself in the head. i didnt actually try until i was 15. got my brother's revolver, loaded it and put it in my mouth.
this was the one & only perfect time for me to die. i literally had no one in my life who cared about me or loved me. i had no prospects and i had been so depressed for so long that i almost couldnt feel anything anymore. then in the home stretch when i was loading the gun, i got hit with a rush of euphoria, ig just because i wws realizing it was all about to be over, and it was like my nervous system switched back on and my SI kicked in hard.
i stood there shaking w the gun in my mouth for what felt like minutes but mightve been seconds and then finally just put it away.
circumstances improved from that point in my life but i still want to die just as badly. there will never be a silence of the lambs for me, i will always remember what happened to me every minute of every day of my life. now i have people who need me. i have a husband who cant work and i have to take care of his needs and pay his disgustingly steep medical debt (we love the US healthcare system). i dont know that he particularly loves me anymore, but he needs me.
theres never enough money leftover for me to get a reliable gun, and even if i could, id be leaving him defenseless. he has very little family, and none who could reasonably take care of him in the event of my death. every day i wish i pulled that trigger when i was 15. it never gets easier to live with these memories. ever. my whole body feels ruined all of the time.
im kind of reaching a breaking point and I'm not sure if i care about anyone else anymore. I know that sounds horrible. but i want to die so bad. and i know in my heart that a firearm is the only way for me. I'm still just in the ideation phase, i have not made a purchase; mostly bc as stated i have no money ever, lol.
i dont see a lot of discussion about ptsd on here, so maybe this will make someone else like me feel slightly less alone. idk. it really is enough to drive you over the edge even when things get technically "better". I've tried emdr, dbr, IFS, all of it. my body may be here but my mind will always always be back there.
im a survivor of severe and complex trauma. i dont want to name any specifics but it is the kind of thing that people do not get better from. it was sadistic and extreme and lasted from birth until i was maybe 16 years old.
i was 8 years old when i first realized that i could put a stop to everything by shooting myself in the head. i didnt actually try until i was 15. got my brother's revolver, loaded it and put it in my mouth.
this was the one & only perfect time for me to die. i literally had no one in my life who cared about me or loved me. i had no prospects and i had been so depressed for so long that i almost couldnt feel anything anymore. then in the home stretch when i was loading the gun, i got hit with a rush of euphoria, ig just because i wws realizing it was all about to be over, and it was like my nervous system switched back on and my SI kicked in hard.
i stood there shaking w the gun in my mouth for what felt like minutes but mightve been seconds and then finally just put it away.
circumstances improved from that point in my life but i still want to die just as badly. there will never be a silence of the lambs for me, i will always remember what happened to me every minute of every day of my life. now i have people who need me. i have a husband who cant work and i have to take care of his needs and pay his disgustingly steep medical debt (we love the US healthcare system). i dont know that he particularly loves me anymore, but he needs me.
theres never enough money leftover for me to get a reliable gun, and even if i could, id be leaving him defenseless. he has very little family, and none who could reasonably take care of him in the event of my death. every day i wish i pulled that trigger when i was 15. it never gets easier to live with these memories. ever. my whole body feels ruined all of the time.
im kind of reaching a breaking point and I'm not sure if i care about anyone else anymore. I know that sounds horrible. but i want to die so bad. and i know in my heart that a firearm is the only way for me. I'm still just in the ideation phase, i have not made a purchase; mostly bc as stated i have no money ever, lol.
i dont see a lot of discussion about ptsd on here, so maybe this will make someone else like me feel slightly less alone. idk. it really is enough to drive you over the edge even when things get technically "better". I've tried emdr, dbr, IFS, all of it. my body may be here but my mind will always always be back there.
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