My plans to kill myself in my 30s is now back on

[FireFox]

I turned 29 and I always wanted to do die young because life doesn't get better in the 30s and 40s. As a woman dating will be hard if not impossible for me to find love in my 30s. In my 20s pre and post covid I asked guys out on dates. They eagerly say yes at first then at the last minute they reject me because they the women they wanted came along others got bored of me and others realised they didnt want commitment with me. All men see me as a placeholder. All week i will be looking forward to a date only for it to be cancelled 1 day before or forgotten. I finally gave up asking guys out. I only got my first boyfriend at 28 when stopped asking guys out that's why my first relationship was so special. For the first time someone came to me and wanted me.

Nothing I ever do is good enough for any guy I get involved with. I gave so much love in my first relationship. I supported him emotionally in his unemployment, took him to places he has never been before and worked so bard to make our first Christmas as a couple special. In our relationship all he ever complained was how I dont give him sex whenever he wanted. He was always used to getting sex whenever he wanted. I had never had sex and it was too much the pressure he kept putting. How do you even know if you are ready for sex and I wanted to go slow but he kept wanting now and was sexually aggressive. He sexually assualted me 2 months in the relationship

I decided at the last minute I didn't want sex with him because i doubted if loves me the way I love him everyday and spent the entire relationship punishing me for my decision. 1 month after i told him I wasn't ready for sex
took him to a beautiful Christmas market a couple of days before Christmas and all evening he complained that I don't him sex and compared me to his exes who regularly gave him sex. He said " I am used to getting intimacy" . He spent the entire evening bullying and shaming me in the market. I now regretted my decision so much

He broke up with me because he wanted a girlfriend to make his social status look good his racist white upper middle class parents were not happy their son was dating a black woman from working clase migrant family. He always someone who followed the crowd and wanted to fit in. Towards the end of our relationship he called me an "embarrassing" girlfriend and that dating me doesn't better him. He found a woman who will give him all the sex he wants. 3 days before our breakup he asked me how would I feel if he got with another woman in my neighbourhood area. This was now the 3rd time he kept asking these cruel test questions about other women.

Before he broke up with me he said there was a reason why I failed with other men and blamed me for ALL our relationship problems. He was right I am damaged goods. No one will ever love me. I will never be good enough for anyone I love.

I worry about my grandmother and mother dying in my 30s because I have extended family who dont care about me either. Being single doesn't make me happy I do everything fun by myself and the longing for a partner never goes away.

He broke up with me 2 weeks before Valetines Day and I planned an amazing day trip for us. I was looking forward to finally having my first Valetines Day with a boyfriend because it means someone sees me a special and I broke the cycle.

I see no way out anymore I am not going to win this.

 

[QuarantinedThoughts]

I turned 29 and I always wanted to do die young because life doesn't get better in the 30s and 40s. As a woman dating will be hard if not impossible for me to find love in my 30s. In my 20s pre and post covid I asked guys out on dates. They eagerly say yes at first then at the last minute they reject me because they the women they wanted came along others got bored of me and others realised they didnt want commitment with me. All men see me as a placeholder. All week i will be looking forward to a date only for it to be cancelled 1 day before or forgotten. I finally gave up asking guys out. I only got my first boyfriend at 28 when stopped asking guys out that's why my first relationship was so special. For the first time someone came to me and wanted me.

Nothing I ever do is good enough for any guy I get involved with. I gave so much love in my first relationship. I supported him emotionally in his unemployment, took him to places he has never been before and worked so bard to make our first Christmas as a couple special. In our relationship all he ever complained was how I dont give him sex whenever he wanted. He was always used to getting sex whenever he wanted. I had never had sex and it was too much the pressure he kept putting. How do you even know if you are ready for sex and I wanted to go slow but he kept wanting now and was sexually aggressive. He sexually assualted me 2 months in the relationship

I decided at the last minute I didn't want sex with him because i doubted if loves me the way I love him everyday and spent the entire relationship punishing me for my decision. 1 month after i told him I wasn't ready for sex
took him to a beautiful Christmas market a couple of days before Christmas and all evening he complained that I don't him sex and compared me to his exes who regularly gave him sex. He said " I am used to getting intimacy" . He spent the entire evening bullying and shaming me in the market. I now regretted my decision so much

He broke up with me because he wanted a girlfriend to make his social status look good his racist white upper middle class parents were not happy their son was dating a black woman from working clase migrant family. He always someone who followed the crowd and wanted to fit in. Towards the end of our relationship he called me an "embarrassing" girlfriend and that dating me doesn't better him

Before he broke up with me he said there was a reason why I failed with other men and blamed me for ALL our relationship problems. He was right I am damaged goods. No one will ever love me. I will never be good enough for anyone I love.

I worry about my grandmother and mother dying in my 30s because I have extended family who dont care about me either. Being single doesn't make me happy I do everything fun by myself and the longing for a partner never goes away.

He broke up with me 2 weeks before Valetines Day and I planned an amazing day trip for us. I was looking forward to finally having my first Valetines Day with a boyfriend because it means someone sees me a special and I broke the cycle.

I see no way out anymore I am not going to win this.

As a 32 year old man who went through a divorce, I can sympathize with a lot of this. I begin to wonder if there is anyone actually out there for me, or if im just bound to die alone. Not trying to project my problems here or compare apples to oranges so to speak, but I just wanted to tell you, you are not alone.

Im very sorry that you had to go through all that you are going through! I really hope it gets easier/better for you soon! And I hope you can find someone who can make you happy, like thoroughly happy :)