When the writing is on the wall

[Pluto]

Just got back from a psychologist appointment and I can sort of sense the desperation in the ideas that she's put forth to try and save me. Once all the life milestones have been missed, all that remains is increasingly perverse and desperate measures to justify a life with no valid reason to be here.

It just seems that the name of the game is to be forced into some commitment - which even taking on a pet is an example of - or to resort to increasingly unethical measures, like becoming a parent under dubious circumstances, in order to forcibly escape the dreaded clutches of suicidal ideation. (Sure, that will work great.)

What about a rational alternative of letting people like me who never found a place in society just leave if our hearts genuinely yearn to? Why the assumption that everyone wants to survive under any circumstances and will resort to any number of drastic band-aid solutions, making the world a sicker place by their very presence? What about letting me gracefully accept the reality of not being lovable and take it like a man?

Anyway, sorry for such a generic and unoriginal rant. I've been trying to recover and even to help others interested in recovery, and it's embarrassing to be failing so publicly, but need to be honest that my time is rapidly running out.

 

[Saturn's Rings]

I'm sorry you feel like this, I shall be thinking of you. xx

 

[DonTellMeToStayAlive]

Just here to say, I understand how you feel. I am in a similar situation, and after trying psychiatric and psychotherapeutic help for slightly more than a year, I have decided to move away from it all, and manage myself on my own.. If nothing else, the money I spent on shrinks and pills might be better used for other things that make me happy and make living worthwhile in the very-short term.
I wish the best for you, in life and in death. If nothing else, remember that you are not alone in your struggles,

 

[Hollowman]

I missed a lot of milestones too I feel like a man child most of the time.

 

[freedompass]

Just got back from a psychologist appointment and I can sort of sense the desperation in the ideas that she's put forth to try and save me. Once all the life milestones have been missed, all that remains is increasingly perverse and desperate measures to justify a life with no valid reason to be here.

It just seems that the name of the game is to be forced into some commitment - which even taking on a pet is an example of - or to resort to increasingly unethical measures, like becoming a parent under dubious circumstances, in order to forcibly escape the dreaded clutches of suicidal ideation. (Sure, that will work great.)

What about a rational alternative of letting people like me who never found a place in society just leave if our hearts genuinely yearn to? Why the assumption that everyone wants to survive under any circumstances and will resort to any number of drastic band-aid solutions, making the world a sicker place by their very presence? What about letting me gracefully accept the reality of not being lovable and take it like a man?

Anyway, sorry for such a generic and unoriginal rant. I've been trying to recover and even to help others interested in recovery, and it's embarrassing to be failing so publicly, but need to be honest that my time is rapidly running out.

Becoming an unwilling parent and fucking it up is exactly what made me suicidal to start with. So that is just unbelievable bullshit.

I hear what you're saying but here's a thought. Not everyone has, or even wants, a place in society, it's always been that way. Plenty of people voluntarily drop out and find alternative lifestyles. Look at the 60's! That was when it became cool and aspirational. Even in the early 80's when I was in my 20's there was definitely a discernible counter culture. It was acceptable back then to go 'on the dole' (welfare) while pursuing activism, creative pursuits or whatever.

I've never found a place in society really and I'm ok with it. I was a kind of hippy punk rebel from the start.

Sorry if this is annoying. I know times have changed sooo much. It's just…fuck milestones, you know? That's how I feel anyway

 

[FuneralCry]

We do live in a world that focuses on prolonging the suffering that people go through and trying to force them to live all for the sake of it. There really is nothing wrong with choosing to leave this world when the time is right and people should respect that. We will all die anyway eventually so I see it as better to exit at a time of our own choosing rather than a time out of our control.

 

[rationaltake]

Dear SS friend - if I may call you that - there's no need to be embarrassed about the way you feel and the way things are.

I know from your posts you've been trying so hard to recover and I've been rooting for you. You've achieved a lot in your own life despite incredibly difficult circumstances. Your compassion and wisdom shine through in your posts.

The spiritual progress you've personally achieved has helped and encouraged others here. You're a work in progress and I believe you'll be a guiding light for others as long as you're around irl and on here.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I understand how much it hurts to feel unlovable. I'm not denying your reality but it seems to me as if things just haven't worked out for you and you haven't been loved and appreciated as you deserve to be. I think that not being loved is not the same as being unlovable.

I know that doesn't change your circumstances and I totally agree that desperate measures are not the answer.

Only you can decide if your life is worth living. Only you can decide what you will or will not accept.

May you be free from suffering.

 

[Pluto]

Just want to say a huge thanks to everyone. The unconditional acceptance here is extremely comforting. I don't even want to think about what it would be like without you all.

I've never found a place in society really and I'm ok with it. I was a kind of hippy punk rebel from the start.

This is a fair point. The key is brutal authenticity, which is harder than one might first think since there can be many layers of denial.

Someone could choose a conservative/mainstream path out of denial of secretly wanting to be a free spirit, or they could go down an alternative route to run away from a deeper desire for a conventional lifestyle. In my case it's been more of the latter, even though my intellect can give many reasons why being an unshackled truth-seeker is the higher path. It is good that you have found your own freedom.

 

[theboy]

Sometimes we find no comfort in therapists. It's a horrible feeling. As if the world only offers us suffering

 

[Lost Magic]

They want me to start talking to shrinks and talk therapy groups at some point (not a chance). I have been prescribed Prozac again. I'll probably take them just for the hell of it. Fuck it!