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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
No clue why i never created this sooner

There has definitely been days where i tend to vent alot which can get quite spammy 😅 so i decided to collaborate all of my old vents and place them in this post and going forward any vents i have i will just comment in here

Plus if anyone wants to know my story or why i want to CTB wether its what i've dealt with or felt the last few months or across my life it should all be here

Don't expect yall to read it all but a good scim read here and there couldn't hurt anyone



March 29th

Classic star wars reference i know but very accurate to my situation

I always considered myself to be a good person and i think for the many years of my life i was,i wanted the best for people i wanted to be liked by everyone etc or so i believe i feel i was deprived alot of love and affection growing up which was probably more my own doing

I didn't really have many friends down to poor social skills and eviroments i was in i did bad stuff even from a young age genuinely not knowing any better and for years i guess this became a common trend

Over time problems started to occur in my life at school at home and my brain never knew how to process or identify these problems therefore dealing with them was definitely challenging…

I didn't really go to anyone about these feelings so what did i do? I held on to them conciously or not i over thought stuff…when i went to talk to someone about the bulling i was dealing with it was shut down immediately,my parents did the same and because or a lack of friends irl i relyed alot on friends online

But i never told them about the bulling i was facing the troubles i was having at home and even within myself as i never understood the problems i just felt what i felt

I went about these emotions in many of the wrong ways over the years hurtint people in the process as well as myself losing tons of friends struggling to mantain and sustain relationships

I always felt i could improve but for various reasons I don't even fully understand i was never entirely capable and the constant doubt hate and mislabelling never helped that

For years i'd have people call me many things "attention seeker,manipulator,psychopath" so on and forth and having this told to you especially from a young age years on end (and looking back on my behaviour and even now i can understand why people get these perceptions but projecting them onto someone as impressionable and caring about others feelings myself really isn't helpful) because no one else would understand me i felt i had to but because of that i could never get the support i needed or actually work on these issues directly because i spent my whole life tryint to explain them

For years i've been mislabelled to a point where i just think was i all these things all along or have i just become it?…even if I'm not because i know there is good in me i'm at a stage where i'm like why bother trying to be a good person anymore when for years thats what i always wanted to be and tried to be

But i've gotten to a stage now that all these years of unintended (maybe intended in some cases) of abuse gaslighting and character assassination

As well as the one friend i had that saw good in me and believed in me and gave me the love and support i needed abandoned me..because of my shitty actions admitely

The only way i see a way back to being a good person (as i see the recovery path) is there return…otherwise if I can't find a way to off myself which is the reason i came here and I've definitely had some helpful pointers from people and even the huge blog posts i've done my best to take information from there comprehension isn't my strongest suit it definitely has me worried it i can really achieve the fate i prefer


If she comes back or i can CTB i don't see this as a problem but if not well…idk what will become of me


April 4th

I'm miserable i've been miserable my whole life and i can't do it anymore i'm always looking for something i don't have or can't have i'm always expecting too much of people or putting to much pressure on them I'm shitty to people and toxic and no matter how much i try to identify or self reflect I never fucking change no matter how hard i fucking try I can't seem to succeed I can't find happiness I can't form healthy relationships all i do is let my insecurities control me and drive people away and hurt them in the process and people think im an evil and horrible monster and even as i write this i feel a sense of joy or a smile on my face when i should feel terrible my eyes feel heavy and want to ball out with tears yet all my mouth wants to do is fucking smile I can't take the pressure anymore I can't take the stress i keep trying to win people back or prove to them i've changed or can change yet i can never seem to get there no matter how hard i try im a lost cause and no one seems to see it I'm irrdeemable I'm unsaveable and I'm too afraid to take the bus…i'm too afraid to put others out their misery and myself too because i cant let go i dont leave people alone…I can't put an end to it because im a coward and every method i try or consider I can't fucking do it and idk what to do i really dont know what to do

April 8th

Seems somewhat ironic I know,I wouldn't say i fear death itself but more the slow fall into said demise,the pain is it more painful than the emotional pain i'm going through i suppose that's subjective i dont deal with pain well period but i guess its also the anxiety of the whole thing and dying alone and having no one care when you pass…its a combination of things for me really…I remember many years ago when i felt i was close to ending it all and i cowered out..looking at the life i've lived the mistakes i've made and the things i've done i regret that decision and i just wish i could retecfiy it but I can't seem to go through with it no matter how hard i try

April 10th

I've had some time to reflect on my life all these months about how horrible i've been all the mistakes i've made how terrible i've felt all the friends i've lost and stuff i've missed out on etc so on

I've had suicidal thoughts for over 10 years and indeed they've been and went but now more than ever I believe its time to go and maybe i should have years ago

But i still hold out on my special friend coming back despite everyone telling me its impossible….i have a friend that is planning to message them soon so maybe i'll get my final answer then but even then i manage to delude myself

I've had someone irl who has been trying to assist me with my plan for awhile and more recently i even used the partners section on this very forum but I wouldn't want anyone to travel here especially abroad or from a significant distance just for me to get cold feet it wouldn't be right…until i feel i get this answer I can't truly to through with it…aleast not with assistance i've been trying myself these past few days but I can't seem to get there

I feel myself getting more and more desperate by the day all the methods that i felt we're accessible or achieveable are fading from me and i find it to be increasingly difficult without help or support that is coming more scarce as time passes and its making me increasingly more afraid and anxious and idk what to do anymore

April 11th

just remembering back to what an old friend told me years ago

That when I reached the age of 18 if i still wasn't happy i had they're permission to end things…and honestly I wish i took them up on that

Idek if there doing well today but if not i guess i'd like to be with them in my final moments i think it would give me the closure i need…she left an impact on me I won't ever forget

I think I'm beginning to accept my fate now,I truly don't think my friend is returning i don't see a future without them and have struggled with findint happiness for a long time as well as causing so many people so much pain…i want it to be over i've wanted this for some time but i just can't find the help to do it i know I can't do this alone not just fear of taking the last step but just getting it all together sorta speak…i just wish i could speed this whole process along and be done with it


Starting to feel anxious again guess my mind is starting to wander off again

i'm not sure if I've made this apparent here before but I'm on the autism spectrum and was diagnosed at around the age of 5

I have cognitive problems that makes stuff way more difficult than it should be without really realising such as comprehensive challenges being a prime example as well as emotional difficulties for reasons i don't fully understand all i know is that it causes me to act out and lash out on people irrationally causing people emotional damage which makes creating and sustaining relationships to be significantly hard.

over the years the amount of people i've hurt and lost,my best friend especially has really forced me to take a long and hard look at myself,I struggle to feel full guilt for my actions as i dont seem to have an easy time acknowledging or accepting them i either seem to repress them or dissociate from them

Making it hard to ever learn from or correct them even when I identify my issues and problems that doesn't seem to change anything about my behaviour at all which i guess is a heavy factor why i find myself being pushed more towards wanting to end everything

considering she and many others genuinely think i'm a monster for what i do and what I've done and there is days i even believe those narratives or others were i find it hard to argue…I never want to hurt people yet i do it so off making the same mistakes i guess it makes me question myself even…reality is i don't think i am capable of changing no matter how hard i try even though I desperately want to

I unfortunately haven't had much help psychologically over the years but even if i did now i've lost so much of my life friends hurt so many people and lost the person that meant more than the world itself for me so i don't see a reason to continue anymore, i've not enjoyed my own life for an extremely long time which is another story in itself i could go into lack of experiences or any real hobbies or passions growing up lack of meaningful and long term relationships and so on


I struggle to form and maintain deep relationships and the lack of that really damages me emotionally

April 12th

Like a bit of muse so figured i'd quote a song title but after discussions with someone my death should be coming in a matter of weeks thankfully which you think would offer closure and less anxiety and in some ways it does alternatively though it offers the opposite effect as well because i'm like "i wanna go now" but then you have days were your in a pleasant mood and just don't fully have that energy

Like the pain suffering self contempt or for the world around so on its stronger certain days than others

In someways i wish i had thought to look for SS sooner as I could've been gone by now and not bothered as many people as i have these past few months

Never the less i hope to get more details of my passing soon and i'll be happy to share any news on that I have

I guess the question is what do i do to kill time now?

April 13th

I'm just tried of it everyone hates me and avoids me like the fucking plague and i know its particularly my fault i know i have issues and push people away but even when i want to have a genuine or normal conversation or even talk things out in a mature manner no one fucking will…all they do is judge me for my past or their proceived perception of me no one sees me as a human being and haven't for years and i dont want to deal with it anymore i'm tried or all the hate and abiuse and ghosting and ignoring i get from everyone and shit talk and smack talk and everything its driving me up a wall with no way out and i feel all i ever try to fucking do is make people like me and I can't no matter how hard i try and it hurts it really fucking hurts i care so much about what people think of me and it hurts

April 15th

It gets worse with each passing week I can't even remember where my head was when I joined this forum but just the more i think about my life myself and the more i hear about people that depise me and look back at things i've done and said and hear about them i just get more and more desperate to die

I 1st looked into as many methods as possible which wasn't easy finding one and even to this day i struggle to get resources wether legally or illegally

I tried the partners thread but haven't managed to find a suitable partner there which is to be expected

So now i've finally resorted to learning the ways of the dark web despite how shitty my knowledge is with tech and shit genuinely i'm putting myself in danger but i don't care i just want out

But even then what do i even get?

cyanide,sodium nitrate,nembutal,opioids i could go with Phenobarbital and Primidone and there is many more options i don't even know about


But idek how these methods work how long they take how painful they are and that doesn't take into a fact i could get duds or the seller could be a cop or many other things that make me extremely anxious i need help and advice on this because I'm desperate to die and i want to die peacefully and painfully but idk how

I just want to know if there is anyone i can DM about this that knows more than i because i just need closure i need to explore all these options way up the pros and cons of all and pick the most ideal one for me

my head is all over the place about this i know i want to die but i've got my fingers in so many pies based on so many circumstances both in and outside of my control that i don't feel like I've committed to a single one

There is so many methods i could do yet i haven't really decided or stuck to one because it seems almost every other day i go back on one method and semi research another and another until i find myself just getting increasingly overwhelmed and lost

And no I'm not asking anyone to pick for me that's ultimately my choice and decision and i've got to assess my options but it's hard to even elevate all the options i have as well as what circumstances i have in my control wether their possible and wether i'm both willing and able too among many more

April 16th

I've done nothing but think about this for months and everytime i think i have a fucking solution i fucking dont

The friend that was supposed to be helping me has been little to no help with this and has now disappeared without a fucking trace

Every method i've gotten in my immediate facility has vanished completely or just isn't good enough to get the job done

I've tried finding a partner and that has gone has well as manchester uniteds season so far just no one willing no matter how much i break my back and bend my will

My old friend from the states that i'd be comfortable and feel they'd be somewhat willing to aid is no where to be seen

I even tried to access the black web and surprise suprise I couldn't even fucking do that right and no one is willing to put they're neck on the line understandably

I can't do this alone i know i need a fucking shit ton of help with this but theres people that can that wont not just for law reasons but moral or people that would want too but just can't do shit…it just pisses me off it absolutely pisses me off and stresses me out and honestly i've got more chance of dying of stress overload than anything

April 20th

It's something i've always struggled with…letting go of the past,of old friends of anything really. I had a friend for 2 years that left me for my shitty actions and she meant the absolute world to me…and since then even now i'm not fully over her…now i lost a friend like that again that i'd known 6 years…a friend that meant way more than she did towards the end…and its broken me shes gone…is killing me that i know its all my fault…and i hate that she managed to replace me so easily…and rightfully and understandably no one fucking cares of gives a shit…they all want me to suffer for what i did…they won't help me get her back they won't help me find peace…they all want me to suffer and I can't deal with her being gone I can't deal with all the hate I receive I can't deal with all these issues i have that continue to hurt and push people away…i can't deal with it anymore but I can't seem to fucking find a way out…

April 21st

I wish I could've handled everything differently…i handled things in the worst way i could of and i suffer the consequences

I ruined any chance of getting my friend back…i destroyed most relationships I could've had

I've created such a cesspool of hatred for myself i did so many stupid selfish and shitty things

I ruined any sort of life or happiness I could've hand for myself

And I can't even fucking escape

I try to hang myself i know i'm going to be found and become a vegtable

I try the bag method i know I'm going to rip it open and be no better off

I slit my throat and i'm just going to permanently lose the ability to speak or sing

OD'ing won't fucking work

I can't get my hands on a firearm and even if i did i'd somehow survive

Most other methods i either don't have access to the resources or have the knowledge or confidence to do so

I can't fucking escape i want to escape i want to rewind the clock i want to just change everything 2024 was supposed to be my year and it's been fucking destroyed

April 22nd

I was genuinely spilt between posting this here or in off topic but given the Somber tone i decided to here,so BPD is something i've always dabbled in the thought of me having but never really had any sort of diagnosis. Not spent much time in mental health and support tbf plus being on the autism spectrum makes it harder to identify anyway doesn't help that my parents reject the notion

it was a video breaking down the psychology of a character from the game I can't remember the name for never played it but it always peaked my interest had no idea he was going to discuss BPD but here we are i'll leave the link to the video here so you can watch

But i wanna more focus on the comment i read that described the person's experience with BPD and how it matches up with my own life's experiences again not diagnosed


"I'm so sorry but this is going to be a bit of a long read! As someone who does suffer from BPD, I can appreciate your dive into the disorder, and that your analysis is pretty spot on about Ashley. I do what to add that for people with BPD, Andrew being her "anchor" (I love how you describe this btw) is actually called a "favorite person". BPD, mixed along with other disorders like bipolar (which is rare to have both but it does happen, me being one of them, and the rest of the list I also do suffer from), ADHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, dissociative disorders, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc. is hard for literally everyone involved, especially loved ones. The fear of abandonment amongst the other symptoms.

stems from childhood neglect, abuse, or any other traumatic experiences, and the overbearing love in any sense more than likely comes from him being the only literal stability she's ever known, so she developed severe separation issues because he's the only thing that has kept her grounded in reality (loosely i might add), even though one could argue that Andrew is part, if not most, of why she is the way she is due to him enabling this behavior. The fear of abandonment and separation anxiety, especially those that have become a favorite person for us, in those who suffer from BPD can also stem from people not staying in our lives for very long because of the fact that we can't control our emotions very well, feeling them about 10× stronger.

than those who don't suffer from BPD and not only having episodes of emotional sensitivity but emotional reactivity as well (there is an amazing article on this by PsychCentral on the topic titled "The Emotional Vulnerability of Borderline Personality Disorder" that I highly recommend) that makes us come off as extremely volatile, pathological liars, or straight up manipulators, so people typically don't stay in our lives very long because we can be way too much to handle. We also come off way too strong which scares people away.
Most of the time we don't mean to be this way or we might not even be able to recognize that we're even acting in a certain way, but there are some people out there that think they can use mental health disorders as a "get out of jail free" card or as some sort of scapegoat, leading to a lot of stigma around mental health disorder, which is what led me to becoming a mental health advocate as well as going into psychology, so u could better help people with the knowledge i have of my own struggles."


As for the "favourite person" thing described i'd say that's perfectly accurate to how i feel about my friend of 6 years that left after my terrible treatment of them and my inability to not only move on but even function without them. It's the reason why suicide has become stronger and stronger in my mind these last few months but it's something that has always been inside me and something I've always contemplated on and off

I don't see a life without her I don't see happiness without her I can't find myself letting go of her and I can't see her being fully happy with a world with me in it because i'll always try to get her back i know i will…and I'm too mentally fucked up to do anything about it

I genuinely don't believe i can get or be fixed so…i don't see much choice in the matter i'm broken

I may add more to this later…but for now i'm going to leave it at this as I'm getting emotional and irrational again

April 25th

I was just watching a video about NPD
And now I'm worried i might be a narcissist

"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did,You deserved it!"

I feel like whenever i do anything shitty there is always an explanation or a reason for why it's justified in someway or shit

"I suspect that I'm a high functioning narcissist, I'm able to put on a very friendly face, and do things for others that I know are helpful, listen well, ask leading questions, and generally get along, but I suspect it comes from a pathological need to be liked, because 1 find it difficult to like myself, and usually second guess my actions. I end up thinking I've exposed my own insecurity to others, so I overcompensate by presenting as calm and affable, which only repeats the cycle.
1 know that self love and forgiveness is the way out, but mental patterns are very hard to shake. Hopefully being at least aware of this is the first step to recovery"

And i feel i can relare with this comment too…i just dk what to believe anymore

April 27th

Truth be told I genuinely don't know i often think and feel and imagine alot of things

I hear many different opinions and views of people i feel differently on the matter everyday i have people telling me i'm good and people telling me i'm evil but genuinely idfk

I don't know how or what to feel like i know away from my keyboard i've been crying alot lately visionalising my own death i used to think alot about the happy memories i could have or could've had

I just don't know what is wrong with my brain like i struggle to be human I wouldn't say i don't have emotions because they certainly exist but sometimes i feel shut off to them and for some reason i struggle to often express or talk about these other thoughts and feelings i have like when i write shit down my mind shifts

If i talk in person my mind is different its like the mind that thinks my month that speaks and my fingers that type all say different things I can't describe it

I constantly get obessed by what people think of me i cling to them I've never had a solid group of people around me telling me "yea your not a bad person but you have your issues" i just…i don't know what to believe my friend blue really made me believe i was a good person but based on what she thinks of me now based on what i've heard about me from her and many other things even when i try to justify or even understand why i did what i did or felt the way i felt i just don't think i can

Wether i'm redeemable or not feels completely irrelevant to me…i wanted to redeem myself with her…the girl i loved…the girl i saw a future with…the girl that did everything she could…the girl i felt i could be honest with even though looking back i never fully was…i wish i had expressed my affection for her more and opened up about how i felt

Called her by the pet name i gave her,complimented her on her appearance and how cute i thought she was her voice and laugh i loved when i heard them…there was so much i loved about her but i never fucking told her because i felt I couldn't

She wasn't my girlfriend…and i feel its only now i realise you can compliment a girl on her appearance and stuff done respectfully but i never wanted to…but i wish i had showed gratitude more

I wish we had done more and spoke about other things i wish i had given her space and trusted her more…i wish…i had been better to her i wish i had been better to myself

I just wish growing up i had more the right people around me that i did more that i had more going on for myself,that my brain and mind wasn't formed in the way it is…i just wish i was normal i wish i could turn back time i wish i coulr get my life back…i wish I hadn't wasted my life…i wish i could form anr mantain human connections…i wish i wasn't so toxic and hurt people…i wish i was able to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself without bothering people or express or vent about them in a noun toxic way…i wish I wasn't so numb i wish i could be happy i wish i didnt hate myself and the world so much i wish i didn't hid my emotions growing up i wish I would've understood my emotions and problems better

I want people to understand me yet i don't understand myself,i want people to feel pity for me yet do i deserve it?

I honestly wish people could genuinely read my mind and thoughts and feelings and know truly what was going on because the endless doubt and invalidating of my feelings saying i'm faking shit or doing it for attention or my feelings are fake…just tires me and only increases my self of imposter syndrome

Before blue left i felt perplexed as it came out of nowhere i felt it was maybe handled poorly but i tried to reflect and understand what i did wrong and how i could correct shit but as time went on the situation got progressively worse…too a point well…aleast now i know she's happy that should be the main thing right?


I just want my bluebear to be happy…and i just want to be gone…forever and if those want to piss and defline my grave…do so

Maybe i was misunderstood,maybe i was just a monster…i don't know

April 28th

I've never really been one to have dreams and i have no clue why,i've had a handful across my life but there isn't too many detailed ones to think of,but these last few months I've definitely had alot of dreams about the friend i lost i think around 5-6 these last months since their departure

I've also shed alot of tears too despite shrugging to cry…i've cried more in these last few months as i have in 20 so years

I remember crying infront of an old close friend of mine i was overwhelmed by emotions and she screamed at me on a call "STOP CRYING!" I didn't know at the time but i felt this had a major impact on my ability to cry,i always struggled with it as is but crying infront of someone your comfortable with to be shut down immediately…it obviously triggered them i may have an idea to why looking back but there is many things she did that i believe had an effect on my mind

I was her test subject…i was someone she constantly called a supposed "lover" while never tying the knot…it was a situationship a one sided one and i loved her…they lied about having a heart condition…and worst part about it is i don't even think they owned up to it


Why was i so toxic to her? She was my world but i treat her like shit…i was just reading back old messages about us and how i wanted everything to be about me and how she scarfied everything for me…and i think I'm starting to realise why she won't come back…why she doesn't trust me…why she loved him and never me

All these months (and worst part about is some part of my mind seems to still think its true) I thought he was manipulating her…that he was using her when the reality was…i've become so self absorbed and focused on myself that I didn't even stop to consider how she felt at all

I snapped on her,i yelled at her,i abused her,i neglected and undermined her feelings…i did so much more i dont even realise or probably not even fucking seen but how could i treat someone i cared about so much like they were shit complete and utter shit and some how I can't face it…I can't accept it…I can't come to terms with it…and i keep trying to find reasons or explainations to try and understand or figure out WHY i was like this and I constantly feel or believe i've figured out these reason's but they never seem to come to fruition

Apparently she's happier now,she's much safer and i wish I could've been like that and been that way for her but i was so unhappy within myself within my life within my past within everything i just…idk

Took her for granted…wanted more but wasn't sure what? I really don't know


April 29th

antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.

i know i have one if not multiple of these, and honestly my life has been destroyed by it…others have been too. When i see people talking about people with B cluster personality types their always vilified by society because of the harm they cause to others and honestly I've experienced it alot in my life

The harm and suffering i cause to others and constant vilification and antagonism for the things i do and the stuff i do…yet all i ever want is people to understand and some days i feel vindicated but otherdays is there misunderstanding and mistreatment valid?

I hurt my friend i hurt many friends i hurt many people repeating the cycle endlessly and i don't want to do it anymore,i don't want to cause anymore suffering to people and I genuinely don't feel any sort of therapy could help anymore

I saw her as my saviour..but she saw me as what i was a lost cause,and she's fucking happier now and i'm glad massively glad that shes save and happy

Now it's time for me to succeed in my attempt to CTB this time…if i fail again idk

I wish you all the best


I need to be dead before her birthday I can't be alive for her birthday i just can't do it to myself i had an extremely bad experience today i didn't feel good at all and i realisef how desperate i am too go

The malwai tent i got was faulty and imm going to have to pack away and send back,i'm gonna need more carlcoal i may even need a second grill with me there is alot i need to consider

But even after all of that will it be enough will i really be able to go or am i endlessly going to be trapped honestly idk

April 30th

I can't seem to accept the fact that i hurt her…that i made her life miserable…that i brought her down to my level…that i did all these terrible things…she's happy now but i can't let go at all

Do i die? Do i subject myself to what i put her through?…what do i fucking do I can't deal with the pain of her being gone…I can't

May 1st

I was supposed to wait for the tent for the CO method but I can't anymore its like 2:35am where I live is there anything I could get from a gas station or a 24 hour shop or even a common household stuff I could use to CTB I can't take it anymore

Or maybe I could slit my throat with one of my knifes idrk

My mental health is just declining further and further and i'm not recoverable,for years my mental health as declinded i've become increasingly more miserable and toxic.

My shitty behaviours and attitudes have become more unbareable my mood and ability to feel joy has worsened

And I genuinely only feel the guilt and suffering and pain is going to make me feel worse and worse until i finally snap and really do something wrong

I can't do this anymore I can't live anymore i'm not recoverable like people tell me i am i need to die


I've tried CO and its failed with the shitty tent and i'm afraid the malwai still may fail for various reasons

I've tried slitting my throat but i just can't find the strength and the friend that said would (understandably) is getting cold feet about the whole thing

I tried contacting an old American contact to shoot me in the head and thats not easy to come by

I can't get F because it only ships to the states and I can't find anyone who would be trusted or willing to redirect to me

I can't exactly get N either because i need to go to peru or somewhere

Idk what else to do i really dk what else to do I'm trying I'm really trying but i'm exhuasting my options

I'm exhausted i find myself wanting to pass out and sleep but my eye lids are firmly sprung open and I can't seem to lay still,i keep wanting to get up and pace the thoughts i have in my head are overwhelming the thoughts of me and how i feel I can't change about how bad i am about how people will tell me what I'm doing wrong 1000 times yet i don't listen or i make the same mistakes and don't correct them,even In therapy there is some mental block in my subconscious making it difficult to get better


I believe it's the victimasation in me…the sadness i feel the misfortunes I've gone under loneliness and misunderstanding common themes in my life that i only further contribute to with my shitty actions and behaviours


I know i feel guilt for the people i hurt i also feel pain when they leave which thus creates the endless cycle i cant stop…its sad its truly sad. Sad for myself sad for others..its only one of the many reasons i want to CTB but I truly dk if i can

May 2nd

I want to be abused…i want to be broken…i want to be taught the fear and pain i caused her and learn to make it my own

I hate myself for what I've done and I'm glad she's doing better,i want my hands to be smashed with a hammer,i want to be smacked with a baseball bat,i want to be smacked punched and made to live in constant fear…break down into submission and never hurt anyone ever again

It's what I deserve for what I've done,it is the pain I should have to endure

I can't hurt anyone again like i did with kimchi and blue,and the thing is i know if i fucking continue i will because I don't fucking learn shit…it's not that i want to hurt people i fucking don't it's just for whatever reason no matter how much i try to reflect on my behaviour or even have people tell me what i'm doing wrong nothing seems to change,I thought the world of kimchi and blue and i still fucking do to this day yet i treat them both like complete and utter shit…and i keep trying to think "why,why do i fucking do this?" And even when i think I've figured it out or how to change shit it doesn't fucking work…i read back those chat logs i looked at kimchis specifically and it took me hours to process everything…i felt numb for hours until in the late hours of the day it hit me like a fucking truck how awful i fucking felt

For what i did to kimchi and blue it made me feel fucking terrible i wanted the world to sollow me up right there not because they both "hated me" or were "gone" but because I couldn't live with the guilt of what i had done

I woke up the next morning and tried to slit my fucking throat with a knife that wasn't sharp enough and when that inevitably didn't work i went to my irl friends house because i knew he had sharp blades,i went there with the intention of slitting my throat there and then but by the time i got there the adrenaline i had was gone…my plan shifted to stealing one of his blades in which i failed sadly

Then there was a night not that long ago looking at the last message blue sent saying she wanted fuck all to do with me after everything i done…i had thoughts violently going through my head saying how terrible i was how unredeemable i was how much of a monster i was the thoughts were deafing and too much the suicidal urge came to much i walked out of my parents place made my way back to my own grabbed one of the mittary grade knives i had been collecting and tried to slit my throat…i tried so fucking hard i even tried looking back at the last message blue sent me saying she wanted nothing to do with me but I couldn't fucking do it

I can't fucking change ik i have guilt inside of me and i know i want to change but there is something deep inside my subconscious that is stopping me and I can't put anyone else through this ever again…I can't hurt anyone ever again


May 3rd

Honestly it's getting to a stage sometimes I consider doing something drastic like setting myself on fire or some shit just to my end…I can't do this anymore i really

i'm getting desperate i dont want to live this life anymore…if i cant die can i put myself into a permanent coma…aleast i'll be happy in dream land and if i become a vegatable maybe i'll be put down anyways I'm desperate i'm deesperate no method worksd i just want rondie i just dont wantnto think about deatj and my friend anymore i just want to be out of here i dont sny to bother people anymore i jsyw want to be fucking free

i wont let rest or be at peace until i know i have a way out…why won't anyone give me away out…

I'm really getting anxious ablut plans coming together,my tent was supposed to arrive soon and thats gone quiet i was trying to figure out the lanugry method and that didn't go anywhere i got this stanley knife to slit my throat but I'm afraid of that going horribly wrong

Idk if I can't get through to my friend and now my anxiety is getting worse and worse the idea of beint stuck on this earth suffering for longer and longer i just wanna leave this planet i cant do it anymore

May 4th

I just can't seem to deal with it…I know we had good times and memories but i keep looking back at all the messages and it just looks horrible and it keeps fucking with my mind…

Like i know there was times were things were bad but i look back so often and i just think (was i really that bad or is something amiss) i just read back at them and something doesn't sit right…and I can't tell if its just paranoia and denial…and me just being completely unaware of how bad i was being or if something has really been messed with

I remember us having deep conversations from time to time,I remember us having laughs…I remember us connecting alot yet i look back at all these messages and dont see that anymore…and I don't know why…i really don't know why and its fucking with my head and breaking my heart

Idk what to do it just makes me more stressed feel more shitty and breaks my fucking heart…i feel i'm losing my way my mind my everything

May 5th

I just find myself festering with my thoughts,can't find enjoyment in anything anymore cant think of anything else anymore other than death or my friend…it's just a miserable existence for me

I can't see or find a clear way out…what am i to do but sit here and suffer?

She was special to me…she was the light to my life…my angel

She always devoted her loyalty to me yet I could never see…she did so much for me fought so hard for me…and all i did was through it back in her face

I remember asking her if there was something wrong between us even asking a mutual friend if we had a problem she lashed out…denying it completely

She was afraid to face the reality of our situation…of how bad it was…about how bad i was

Yet i can seem to fully accept how bad i was or am…

She's happier now yet i know every part of me won't let go…i wont allow myself to enjoy things anymore I'm constantly punishing and destroying myself when I'm not wanting her back

I need to die because ik I won't let go of her like i let go of the friend i had before…and what if there is someone else I get attached to

I destroyed the 2 people i cared about before and still i try to go back to them…only worse than when i left yet…i only get worse

I need to go before i hurt them more or hurt anyone else but i cant

I really need to die tomorrow but idk if i can…i'm trying to do co again and get it right but i feel like I'm going to fail again i don't really have another method accessible and i'm just terrfied of it going wrong

Honestly nowadays all i do is think about suicide and how i can kill myself and its driving me insane

Every method is either inaccessible unachievable SI gets in the way or I can't get it to work or get help and it's driving me genuinely insane I can't die no matter how hard i try and I desperately need to

I feel like no one understands what i'm going through i've never been truly happy in life and i need to die because my depression and shitty behaviours pushes everything and everyone away
I've thought about hanging but I can't climb or tie a noose

I've thought about N but I probably couldn't go to peru and even if i did I cant speak Spanish

I can't get F shipped to my country

I cant seem to get CO to work

I cant slit my throat

I can't get a gun

Idk what to do genuinely and no one will help me leave this earth I'm desperate pain and I can't go on anymore

May 6th

My anxiety is going through the roof,my chest is feeling tight my head is feeling lightheaded and spinning my heart is aching my thoughts are racing yet i can barely think

Its hoping everything will go right while fearing for the worse and idk what to do or what to think or how to stop thinking or how to calm down


I wish someone could see into my mind,know exactly how i'm feeling,what I'm truthfully thinking what i've been through what I've done and why…

I wish i could express my own feelings better,i wish i could understand them better,i wish i could fully remember my past and understand my own actions

I wish my world view perception of others and self wasn't so distorted and infrequent.

I wish i could tell the truth but i feel like it constantly shifts,everyone tells me i'm a liar that i'm a manipulator that i'm an attention seeker that i'm faking it and you hear these negative words of affirmation being told why i do things without actually ever asking me why or how i really feel asking me what i want

For years i've been unintentionally gaslight into believing i'm some sort of monster to a point I've developed imposter syndrome idek whats real…are the abuses and misfortunes and misunderstandings i've faced real? Are they imaginary like everyone tells me…are they just a cry for help and attention like everyone tells me

Is there a reason I can't connect with people anymore or never could…was there a reason i always felt like no one cared was there a reason i always felt alone bored and depressed was there a reason i felt i could never sustain relationships or happiness

Is there a reason that all i do is lashout on people dismiss their feelings or let them down is there a reason i'm getting worse is there a reason i'm the way i am and the way i feel

Or is it all just lies and manipulation lije the world tell me,are my feelings fake? Do they not matter? Do i make them matter to much…do i make them other people's problems to much…do i really care about all the people i had genuine feelings for

Was i ever a good person,was i always destined to be bad did i turn bad was i never going yo be happy is it my fault im like this? Is it my fault i do these things is it my fault i feel this way…is it my fault i either dk what to feel or too intensely or numb completely

I'm i just too psychologically twisted,have i sustained too much brain damage,is it trauma and abuse and misunderstanding is it people taking advantage of me and mistreating me or is it me mistreating them…was blue always scared of me did she really care? Did anyone? Did everyone?

Am i just a really bad person? Should i have killed myself all those years ago should i have ever been born? Is this just a cry for help and attention…am i playing victim? Do i deserve all the misfortune in my life is there any at all…is it all in my head am I delusional am i insane am i irrdeemable

Am i really universally hated and is it fair,i wish i could understand my past i wish i could know who i am or who i was i wish i could know what was wrong with me and what i'm missing i wish i could be saved and be happy….i wish i was never born

May 9th

10 years i've been like this and for the last 3 i've tried my hardest and to the best of my ability to correct it but no matter how much i reflect on my behaviour or no matter people tell me about my behaviour even looking back at old messages I can't fucking change

I've tried therapy and it doesn't work there is just something probably muiltple things inside of me stopping me from making meanful changes and all i can is continuously hurt people time and time again and I can't keep doing this but I can't change I can't find a way to die I can't find anyone who truely understands i feel i don't understand half the time

I can't get anyone to help or assist in the way i need and the misery pain and suffering i cause myself and others continues endlessly

I need to put a stop to this but no one will ever understand or help

I ask people that know how bad i am and they just think imm doing it for sympathy and i ask people who don't know me that think im capable of change that is blanetly obvious to me is impossible


I'm keep trying to tell people something js wrong with me and no one wants to fucking listen


Maybe it's just my apprehension with the reliability of the method,maybe its the ptsd of the panic attack i had last time or maybe it's something else idk

There isn't really a part of me that wants to live persay and I definitely have reasons to want to die i just feel mentally exhausted and drained and just cba putting all the work in

Sitting over the grills taking them upstairs to the room,getting everything else ready waiting over a course or serveal hours

It's just alot of work for me to just lay in the tent probably not get anywhere and get out…it just feels like a waste of time and energy unless its going to work

May 10th

I'm sorry to vent about this but i just need to say this,I don't know what i want anymore or what i should do

I keep thinking i want to die and need to as I can't deal with the pain suffering guilt loss of my friend my inability to change or find happiness and so on but at the same time I'm not sure if i can or will succeed or even if a part of me deserves to escape the guilt and pain i've caused others

I feel like I can't go back to who i was or aleast who I thought i was so do i just accept myself for the bad person i am and embrace that?, i would need to fully let go of the person i was and to be fully ok with that though…part of me leans towards this but there is still a huge feeling of guilt into transforming into this person

should i subject myself to all abuse and suffering i caused others breaking myself into a state of submission instilling the fear into me I inflicted on others to somehow learn or be susceptible to the change I desperately need to make? But i feel i have such a strong will it would be hard to find someone who could fully overpower that

How can i take a clear course of action when my mind keeps flipping and twisting constantly between all of these constraining ideals and i know no one can make this decision for me and it's something i need to decide but its so fucking difficult and I don't know what i should do

I'm just going to be real…i'm fucking scared of doing CO again. I guess i've been avoiding it for awhile but after hearing about the potential brain damage and even feeling i've experienced it to some extent and even the panic attack i had last time i tried and it was a real bad panic attack i just don't want to try again unless i'm 100% certain i'll succeed

But I can't be and even if i was i just wouldn't feel comfortable being in that tent without any emotional support or company and the person that was helping me with that naturally got tired of me and I understand completely because of my constant fuckups clings and failures

Idk what to do i've been frantically asking around for help and assistance to CTB i've been trying to look into other methods but I'm not getting enough help or too much uncertainty or whatever…but i can't keep going like this but i feel like i have no choice or away out

It was 2 weeks ago i tried my 1st attempt at CO and i got a shiton wrong,being hasty rushed together without any real knowledge of what i'm doing

After serveal attempts and learning of my boundaries and methods i know this method is possible now,all i need is for my emotions to be we're they were 2 weeks ago,something thats really going to set me off more specifically in regards to my friend

If i could speak to him again the day i plan to do it with a perfect plan and resources in place I believe i can genuinely succeed like i did before…without that emotional turmoil and turbulence i feel SI is just going to kick in and get me the fuck out of there

Idk what its going to take to push my emotions that far but it needs to be something if i want to succeed

May 11th

I can't get people to understand no matter how hard i try…people just undermine me call me dramatic tell me to deal with shit…people don't understand how painful this is for my how much stress it causes me…how i have literal panic attacks jolts twitches or even whenever i try to do anything i think of them

How my heart yearns for them not just romantically but as a companion as a friend…for their attention and I haven't had that for an extremely long time and its soul destorying and i'll never ever get that back

I can't do this anymore and people wont ever fucking understand until its too late but even if they did what can they really do…aleast try to support me ig idrk…

I've had alot of these over the last 5 months and it seems to be flavour of the month for me

Around January February it was hanging

In march it was getting popped by a hitman or having someone slit my throat

In April it was putting a bag on my head and straving of oxygen

Now in may it's been getting shot in the head by an old friend of mine

I've had other visualisations of my own death between these periods but the ones i've mentioned have been prominent ones with relatively graphic detail

I've even more recently been getting images of being totured by said old friend for everything that I've done

It's been alot and soon i hope to finally get the release i'm looking for

Oh yea taking cyanide was one i obsessed alot over too and obviously the tent with CO as i was preforming that and finally this morning i had a vision of me OD'ing on F so there is alot of cases of this

I tend to get suicidal urges and rushes of blood but i never find myself being able to go. I know i want to go…i know i'm not happy with my life both presently past and future,myself among many other circumstances but its getting into the mindset were i'm ready


I've had this occur a few times over the last few months but unfortunately i've never had a clear and cut way to go,this is something i want accessible to me. I'm trying to master my CO setup and plan for more long term suicidal urge but for something more urgent i feel i need something more quickfire to pull off. I'm not in the idealation currently i was not that long ago but having something i can pull off within a window of opportunity would be appreciated massively

May 13th

It really is…life that is.

I've got the supposedly perfect method and setup to go yet I haven't gotten my ticket yet,i have no hope in life or myself

Nothing to look forward to,nothing to enjoy so what is stopping me? I keep worring about my friend wether they are truly happier or just being manipulated. I worry wether i was genuinely as evil as everything suggests or if i was screwed over in some way especially looking back at my messages feeling as if they arnt my own. Wether its just a delusion my mind created to keep me alive or give me hope or wether something has genuinely happened i lack of a clue but that uncertainty is really fucking with my head

Some days I believe the presented truth other days i believe this supposed delusion…yet idrk what to think and without really knowing or having a quick fire way of CTB'ing my perfect CO method just isn't the ticket i need given the amount of hours it takes for my mind to shift around it's unpredictable afterall

Yet all i do is sit with my thoughts these feelings these flashes to the past twitches and trauma I can't escape from and something i'm powerless to do anything about so why live

Why do i hold out hope she'll somehow come back or care? Because i don't see a future,a way of recovery or any sort of happiness without her and even now I can't bring myself to enjoy anything so why continue because even if i'm right I can't prove anything and no one will believe me…and even if he tricked me am i being selfish ruining her happiness for the sake of myself?

Is it better i let her be happy as long as he doesn't harm her? Or am i being naive? Or am i being delusional? Idk


Well,i'm not really sure what to say or were to begin. I don't feel upset i don't feel depressed i just feel numb and in acceptance of this

At the same time though you look at your life and you think,couldn't things have gone another way couldn't things have gone differently

Despite all the suicidal ideation i've had and visions of me killing myself or getting killed in all of these various ways weirdly this is not necessarily the outcome i ever wanted but i'm accepting of it


There is so many opportunities i felt I could've had if i created or taken them

Opportunities I should've had but was never given the opportunity

Among many relationships i've lost due to my shitty actions behaviours insecurities and emotions it's been hard to ever really develop them or maintain


I feel over the years it's become increasingly difficult for me to connect with people because i've become so detached from reality and my emotions

And if i had been more honest with people and even myself perhaps things would've have gotten as bad as they did…sure i can point fingers at other people and circumstances sure but often i find myself failing to take accountability or acknowledge my own faults wrong doings or even what I could've done better

I find myself either blaming everyone but myself or solely blaming myself for everything

I lost my best friend,i lost my crush,someone who i loved and thought the world of who i couldn't find my way of expressing that to them…and there gone rightfully…my only real reason to live

Were they my only reason to live because they made me happy or because i should make them happy…honestly it was the former but it really should've been the ladder

I focused so much time on being with her that I didn't stop to think "what does she want from me?" And i really wish i had…i really wish i had lived for myself in some way…and dedicated the rest of my life to making her happy

But now she is happy without me,happier than she's ever been and for her sake i hope that continues

I want to thank this community for all the help it's given me,I genuinely don't think I would've gotten this far without you all

And i hope in years to come suicide is genuinely more welcomed as a last resort of sorts,I definitely feel it shouldn't be the 1st option people consider but I definitely feel it should be more well accepted

Thank you all really your all very kind people

May 14th

My best friend hates my guts and wants me dead,and loves some other geezer idek if he's genuine

My old best friend wants nothing to do with me and hates my guts too

I've literally had an old person i knew tell me i ruined there fucking life
The friend i'm closest to now is absolutely pissed at me and refuses to speak to me at all

I'm being harassed and bullied on a freaking suicide forum saying the world would be a better place without me in it,which considering the amount of people i've hurt and continue to do so couldn't be closer to the truth

I keep having these fucking spasms i can no longer control,I can't stop thinking about her I can't find enjoyment in anything i keep toturing mysekf mentally for everything i've done yet I can't seem to fucking change…I can't get fucking better and I can't be fucking happy and all i do is make people miserable

I need this to work tonight…I'm desperate for it to fucking work…
 
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iloverachel

Enlightened
Mar 7, 2024
1,198
thank you for sharing! Sounds awful what you are going through I am so sorry.
Sending best wishes
 
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SMmetalhead36

Ready to have my forever date with suicide
Oct 6, 2023
281
I am almost in tears from reading this. Best of luck to you with everything.
 
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landslide2

landslide2

Member
May 6, 2024
40
what you've been through is extraordinary, as is the pain you are suffering now. it doesn't seem like going back to the same people is helping you in anyway. but you can't help but feel like it's defined you. your struggles, your awareness and ability to reflect and feel guilt, i think these define you much more than the people who have fallen away. i am a stranger but to me this shows change is possible, self redemption is possible. but these people are not your way to redemption, certainly not now. focusing on them will bring no reprieve from this suffering, but you have shown you can learn from it all.
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
what you've been through is extraordinary, as is the pain you are suffering now. it doesn't seem like going back to the same people is helping you in anyway. but you can't help but feel like it's defined you. your struggles, your awareness and ability to reflect and feel guilt, i think these define you much more than the people who have fallen away. i am a stranger but to me this shows change is possible, self redemption is possible. but these people are not your way to redemption, certainly not now. focusing on them will bring no reprieve from this suffering, but you have shown you can learn from it all.
Unfortunately though i just can't help but try to go back and try to redeem myself with them. Especially the close friend that meant the world to me,i don't see a world without them and they left me months ago itself getting so bad i'm getting these spasms which started off as twitches and jolts a few months back which have not evolved into full on spasms these last couple of days that are bad

Maybe my flaw is going back to those of my past but i guess i'm afraid to let anymore people in idrk
 
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landslide2

landslide2

Member
May 6, 2024
40
i'm not a doctor but those spasms could be anxiety and depression manifesting. not long ago after an attempt, i stayed with a relative for the first time and i could not get comfortable there at all. my mind was still wired and my body let me know it because i couldn't sleep and started having spasms, tingling and numbness. anytime i would almost fall asleep i would snap back up, basically have constant mini panic attacks. this went on for a month and a half.

i ended up in the emergency room thinking something was wrong with me physically. i couldn't believe it was actually anxiety/panic attacks. i never thought it could manifest in such a way. my body was telling me my mind was very unsettled still.
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
i'm not a doctor but those spasms could be anxiety and depression manifesting. not long ago after an attempt, i stayed with a relative for the first time and i could not get comfortable there at all. my mind was still wired and my body let me know it because i couldn't sleep and started having spasms, tingling and numbness. anytime i would almost fall asleep i would snap back up, basically have constant mini panic attacks. this went on for a month and a half.

i ended up in the emergency room thinking something was wrong with me physically. i couldn't believe it was actually anxiety/panic attacks. i never thought it could manifest in such a way. my body was telling me my mind was very unsettled still.
It's definitely trauma and i already figured as much which is why I haven't really been concerned about it. It's definitely been a traumatic event for me that much is obvious difference is with me i dont ever see these "nervous ticks" going away…it took me years and i'm still not fully over kimchi so getting over blue could genuinely take me a life time
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
My real problem with CTB'ing is i feel like doing it alot,how far i go with my plan or method varies but incase i do go all the way or even succeed i'd feel guilty.

But then again i also hate the fact i say i'm going to do it and most of the time i either back out or don't fully commit

I'd want people to know i'm gone…but i don't like coming across as attention seeking when i say "today is the day" and nothing happens but if i just went sliently or decided last minute i was certain my thoughts arnt exactly going to go to "lemme tell the forum"

It's just a thought that i had in my head a day back or so and its a dilemma i really deal with and not sure if others do too
 
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fedupwithlife

Student
Jul 28, 2023
148
My real problem with CTB'ing is i feel like doing it alot,how far i go with my plan or method varies but incase i do go all the way or even succeed i'd feel guilty.

But then again i also hate the fact i say i'm going to do it and most of the time i either back out or don't fully commit

I'd want people to know i'm gone…but i don't like coming across as attention seeking when i say "today is the day" and nothing happens but if i just went sliently or decided last minute i was certain my thoughts arnt exactly going to go to "lemme tell the forum"

It's just a thought that i had in my head a day back or so and its a dilemma i really deal with and not sure if others do too
That's why I don't really plan or care about making a post here
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
That's why I don't really plan or care about making a post here
I feel that,certainly makes things easier plus i suppose i could have others report of my passing if need be given i speak to them frequently if i was just "gone" i feel they would notice but yea…guess it's something i care about as weird as that sounds
 
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fedupwithlife

Student
Jul 28, 2023
148
I feel that,certainly makes things easier plus i suppose i could have others report of my passing if need be given i speak to them frequently if i was just "gone" i feel they would notice but yea…guess it's something i care about as weird as that sounds
This isn't weird at all. I think the reason I might've considered it in the past is because it might be helpful to people here and as a way of giving back and appreciating what the community helped me with but it's really problematic for me for the same reasons you mentioned
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I wrote this like yesterday or something was working on it for awhile but never got around to posting it

My plan originally was to tell basically my lifes story and all the core issues and bullet point them which i used my intial vent draft to do this the 1st post i made and I basically fleshed it out alot more also including more update and recent events so i'mma leave it here and y'all can read it




I always considered myself to be a good person and i think for the many years of my life i was,i wanted the best for people i wanted to be liked by everyone etc or so i believe i feel i was deprived alot of love and affection growing up which was probably more my own doing…i pushed people away and even when people gave me affection its rare i ever felt it so i always wanted more

I often claimed and felt no one "truly" cared and in a way by thinking and feeling this way i projected that delusion onto other people which in-turn caused them to not care thus them leaving that triggered my separation anxiety abandonment and all those other fears i had that worsened throughout the years of it happening

I didn't really feel like i had many friends growing up both because i was genuinely lacking friends irl or there was many people i wanted to be friends with that I wasn't or just down to the fact i never really felt close to the friends i had at all.

I have extremely poor social skills when it comes to meeting new people or even talking with people in general. I can't find myself to approach people irl or even hold a conversation the same certainly applies online especially in text were i feel extremely limited and that i can never truly be myself and considering my lack of friends irl and never seeing them outside of school premises and being extroverted my core source of socialisation came from online friends that were barely call based.

i developed alot of toxic behaviors growing up particularly from emotional neglect from parents at times which again i feel to some extent i initiated that distance from them, but also not seeing friends outside my place of education i developed alot of clingy unhealthy behaviors that also got influenced by my low mood swings that developed over time which eventually lead to people distancing themselves from me leaving me or worse outright antagonising me for my troublesome behaviour that only ever made me feel worse and eventually grow more and more victimised and develop this feeling of being misunderstood and craving more to be understood as such but i never truly understood myself or even knew who i was

I genuinely did not know any better growing up and i felt i never had anyone there to teach me understand me or care for me or support me i was just left constantly feeling shitty while i felt I constantly had to defend myself from things and stuff i never understood i was doing.

As years went by these behaviours became a common trend and even worsened creating a defensive mechanism of sorts going from being clingy and depressive to having these rage episodes i began to develop that were alot worse and harder for people to empathise with or understand.

People just saw me as an asshole who wanted to hurt people which was never the case at all,which only ever created more misunderstanding resentment anger and hurt inside of me,and over the years i started to buy into the lie's people believed about me more and more

Now it's gotten to a stage I question genuinely wether i was ever a good person to begin with or if that was just a delusion i wanted to believe or needed to,have i become a bad person,was i always a bad person…was they just bad inside of me have i just turned into a bad person or am i not one at all?

My belief structure rapidly shifts and distorts there is rarely many things i agree on consistently,my general belief system prospective or opinions on something can change and shift quiet rapidly this includes memories of certain events i may remember details differently forget them entirely or misremembered details that weren't or were there,making it seemingly like i'm a liar from the outside but the fact of the matter is my memory isn't genuinely to be trusted not because its bullshit but genuinely unreliable

Over time problems started to occur in my life at school at home and my brain never knew how to identify these problems i was dealing with yet alone possessing the ability to process or handle these issues i was dealing with…so i guess i repressed them,never told parents about them or friends either i would often discuss how i felt but i could never understand why i felt the way i did what was causing it and what i needed to solve it.


All i knew is that i had this crippling feeling of cronic boredom that could come from my lack of hobbies and interests growing up outside of gaming,as for loneliness i alluded to this prior that i didn't really have any friends irl as for online i always struggled to maintain them down to my emotional and psychological issues which meant abandonment became a common trend for me

Even when i went to talk to someone about the bulling i was facing it was shut down immediately,my parents didn't believe me or the extend of the bulling because I couldn't express it correctly and of course they never understood the seriousness of the matter worse of all I didn't either I normalised it in my own mind as for teachers they didn't really believe me either.

Naturally though all the shit i was dealing with,the constant arguments and yelling from my parents at home, the constant feeling of Outcastment and loneliness at school feeling most didn't like me and my bully made sure to aid in all of that perception of me. And all of that added to the mental battle with depression i dealt with everyday i always had deep rooted feelings of self hatred i never even knew was there constantly kicking myself down when others didn't do it for me consciously or subconsciously.

The only way i saw or escape was getting stuck into the games i played isolating myself from the world around me or waiting on the earths edge when messaging someone i particularly liked not romantically just as a loyal friend and companion music was also an aid that became more prominent later in my life especially but never utilised it as much as i could or should have

With all the overthinking i did though on top of not understanding these emotions i felt as well as repressing them all that ended up happening is they came out of me in many unhealthy ways that only hurt and pushed away the people i cared about or wanted to grow close to or already were which in turn always caused people to leave me which only caused myself more pain mistrust and many more emotions i never understood or could deal with

I could never maintain or keep meaningful long term relationships because of all the things i did wrong but even when i had them i could never identify them anyway.

I hurt people in many ways,by lashing out of them,by claiming they didn't care,by being extremely clingy and many more things i'd rather not cover but alot of these and more are still things i do to this day and are behaviours and habits I genuinely don't believe i'll ever fully overcome or resolve

I've tried to reflect on these actions and what triggers them and why they occur i've even had others tell me about said actions and behaviours but i've never been able to succeed to making any real long term progress or improvement

I always felt i could improve or even was at times but for whatever reason(s) I don't even fully understand i'm never entirely capable of fixing them and to make matters more difficult the constant barrage of doubt hate and mislabelling never really helped with that at all

For years i'd have people call me many things "attention seeker,manipulator,psychopath" so on and forth and having this told to you especially from a young age years on end and looking back on my behaviour and even now i can understand why people get these perceptions but projecting them onto someone as impressionable and caring about others feelings myself really isn't helpful because no one else would understand me and i was never capable of understanding myself.

i felt at constant tug of war with myself people telling me contrasting and contradictory things it was hard to believe which was true,you had people calling me a good person that's misunderstood and others calling me a horrible and terrible person with absolutely no redemption at all.

Truth is i could never really get the help and support i needed loving and supporting people around me but actual professional help too.

I could never actually work on these issues i had directly because i spent so much of my whole life trying to explain them or understand them never really solving then

For years i've been mislabelled to a point where i just think was i all these things all along or have i just become it?…even if I'm not because i know there is good in me i'm at a stage where i'm like why bother trying to be a good person anymore when for years thats what i always wanted to be and tried to be yet get thought worse for it

all these years of unintended (maybe intended in some cases) of abuse gaslighting and character assassination

As well as losing the one true friend i had that saw good in me and believed in me and gave me the love and support i needed abandoned me..because of my shitty actions…and after all these years i realised the only reason they stuck by me was never out of loyalty or care but ironically fear of me ending myself if they fully left which as you know with me being here is exactly what i've been intending to do

Truth is them leaving has had such an impact on me for various reasons. The fact they were my will and reason to live,losing someone i loved dearly,losing my best friend and the only person i felt i could genuinely connect with as i've always struggled with that,the only person who could really see good in me,the person i saw a genuine future with traveling…a person i felt that i could be happy with…a person that now hates me…a person that now believes i'm a monster a person that know believes no one should help me and that i don't deserve it…a person that believes i don't matter in the slightest and that it's better off that i'm dead…and their opinion of me means far much more than anyone elses…but she feared me…i hurt her i fuckton much more then i can ever comprehend…i ruined her life…i ruined her…she was my everything and now to her i mean absolutely nothing and i can only realistically blame myself yet all i try to do is point the finger elsewhere…

The only way i really saw as a way back to being a good person (as i see the recovery path) and having a good life was the return of blue after all the reflection i had,after all the plans i had really to enact on and put in place but unfortunately for me such a path was never able to be taken…ultimately she's happier than she's ever been without me in her life and she has found someone far better than me someone who i could never be…someone I could've been…maybe in some ways someone who i was…the twitches i've had for the last few months have now evolved into full of spasms i struggle to speak sometimes without gitters jolts and twitches…i was even doing so in public when i was out yesterday and these have only gotten to this extent over the last couple of days

I need to find a way and the strength to off myself yet i struggle to do so i've been here 2 months now yet i still exist if i had came to this site a few months earlier when i was much more ready mentally or even preparing perhaps when i really went bad I could've went…now i just sit here suffering festering twitching greifing and hurting each fucking day but I can't pull the trigger and all people tell me is "your not serious,your not ready,your just faking it and doing it for attention" you can't know how real the struggle is without speaking to me,without getting to know me,without asking me genuine questions without fully knowing and understanding my past so please stop judging me based on some venty posts i've made or "whining" that i've done

Ultimately i need to come to terms with the fact she is never coming back and i need to end this life of mine,i need to stop worrying about "what if this dude is a bad guy" because honestly even if he was no one who can do anything will ever believe me or care…if i'm some how alive in months or even years time and it turns out i was right big IF to both conditions there BOY will i be pissed…otherwise i hope that my gut feeling is wrong and she will only continue to grow and get happier

Thank you all for reading this "little" rant


I also thought i'd add this extra bit was going to incorporate it into the original rant but given how out of place it was i'd just add it on at the end

As i stated in that whole thint at some point the twitches i've been having over the last couple of days have been worsening,significantly i dont think they were as bad yesterday but i still had them and introucsive thoughts that are killing me

I've been desperate to go for the last couple of days but it was a mix of being mentally ready and having someone by my side when i go through with it,i felt i found someone but i started to get the vibe they just weren't for it,i also asked my friend yesterday if they would and of course they let me down so i got desperate again made another post asking for it and i found someone,unfortunately because it took so long to get to speakint by the time we did i just felt too tried which would've been the optimal time to do it but I'm not just gonna jump on call with someone I haven't gotten to know just to ctb ya'know? Not fair on me or them would've been nice to talk for 30 mins or an hour before doing so

The only postive i see from this after speaking with a friend is this extra day ensures i can get a dust/painters mask that would increase the odds of this methods success…and i get to play more gran turismo..and spend another shitty day with such a wonderful community so maybe there is postives afterall

But yea i'm glad you guys try to support me validate me and listen to me vents I appreciate you are really and if it weren't for my friend despising me rightfully maybe i'd still be here…but alass we accept our fates and what has to be done

Ig i'm also sorry for my family they really wanted to try and prevent this but it was always inevitable but unfortunately i cant get them to see understand or accept that

Hoping i'll be gone tonight for real this time but if something comes up again or if i fail i'll be here for you all
 
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lkjhgfdsa1

lkjhgfdsa1

🖤
Apr 17, 2024
425
i wish you peace at heart
 
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Suicidebydeath

Suicidebydeath

No chances to be happy - dead inside
Nov 25, 2021
3,562
Hello, I mentioned this to you but I'll post it here too in case it helps somebody else or provides some insights for people. After reading the entire main OP, I had these thoughts:

It's relevant to me as well, the fact that you don't really talk about your past trauma and bullying. I was the same way. It just didn't occur to me that much or it was repressed or something, and I was used to people/family just blaming me for everything. I know that you experienced neglect, and emotional bullying IRL and online much like myself.

Your story is relatable to me, perhaps in the same position as you I would do the same thing, as I've always been suicidal but I didn't have SaSu as a resource. Things stand out to me like you being mislabelled as attention-seeker etc when you've just had a lot of trauma.

C/PTSD is a condition that shares a lot of traits with cluster B like BPD, and a few traits with development disorder similar to autism. I'm pretty sure I have C/PTSD from all the trauma I was personally exposed too. Also I didn't have online as a resouce, so I had to go through stuff alone, I hope your friends were at least positive/understanding with you.

I also experienced neglect, along with emotional and physical bullying. I was bullied online when I had that too. Abuse was extremely normalized for me, still kinda is. It was easy to blame myself, esp, with family/people constantly and incorrectly blaming me. I eventually broke out of the cycle and went NC with family and got on the correct anti-depressants, but I feel through the cracks of the system for way too long. I'm still there to be honest, the system is still failing me personally.

So I understand your decision etc, I think it's personal and up to you, I just then wish if you do decide to go there is a personal heaven waiting for you.

Please don't beat yourself up too much about what happened with your two(or more) loved ones. I had the same things happen, I had so much trauma at times, sad things happened, I have regrets, but nobody ever tried to understand or help me properly either. I had to fix everything in my life myself. And I had people actively harming me, psych ruined my life several times, were extremely abusive, dishonest and also give me a lifelong incurable condition that basically zombified and lobotomized me (worse than that really). I could've had a relatively normal life if not for them, now I'm cursed to be unhappy for my entire existence.

I think you're a valuable person, personally. I'm sorry you had to go through so much and lose people.

Please ignore when people said the world was better off without you, most people are selfish and ignorant about such things. I believe the opposite of what they said to be true. You obviously show a lot of remorse and consideration for other people in your post. Not that you did anything wrong necessarily either, but I understand you will continue to second guess and be critical of yourself regardless, and that's ok too!!

Take care & best of wishes!!
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
There has been few times in these last couple of months when i've genuinely found myself to be ready to go

Like 3-4 times 1 was when i went back and read old messages and felt terrible tried to arrange to meet my buddy that night to do the deed and even tried to slit my throat the next day and failed…even tried to get a blade from my friends house but again to no avail

Another time was around last month when i heard from blues new friend who told me blue basically saw me as a heartless irredeemable monster who can never be saved

I can't remember the other inicidents but I definitely know there has been a few also one night were emotions and thoughts and self hate and pain got so much I literally left my parents house in the middle of the night to try and kill myself by slitting my throat again obviously i failed

This is why i wish i had something like a firearm or N firearms are out the question because of were i live as for N well its only available in limited countries

Peru mexico etc were you'd need to speak spainish to obtain which I can't,imd have to travel there which my parents woukd never allow and even if i could i'd be completely lost anyway i struggle to navigate as is

I just wish i had an easy and painless method i could do at a moments notice without any pain or problems…because i am impulsive and anything that requires planning or thinking i will either get wrong or have time for that emotional urge and drive to settle

SI completely goes out the window when my emotions go past a certain threshold that's extremely rare to achieve and i'll hate myself if that happens again without a proper method in place

Last thing i want is permanent damage
 
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S

suicideby

After I die, I will be happy again like I used to
May 20, 2024
39
There has been few times in these last couple of months when i've genuinely found myself to be ready to go

Like 3-4 times 1 was when i went back and read old messages and felt terrible tried to arrange to meet my buddy that night to do the deed and even tried to slit my throat the next day and failed…even tried to get a blade from my friends house but again to no avail

Another time was around last month when i heard from blues new friend who told me blue basically saw me as a heartless irredeemable monster who can never be saved

I can't remember the other inicidents but I definitely know there has been a few also one night were emotions and thoughts and self hate and pain got so much I literally left my parents house in the middle of the night to try and kill myself by slitting my throat again obviously i failed

This is why i wish i had something like a firearm or N firearms are out the question because of were i live as for N well its only available in limited countries

Peru mexico etc were you'd need to speak spainish to obtain which I can't,imd have to travel there which my parents woukd never allow and even if i could i'd be completely lost anyway i struggle to navigate as is

I just wish i had an easy and painless method i could do at a moments notice without any pain or problems…because i am impulsive and anything that requires planning or thinking i will either get wrong or have time for that emotional urge and drive to settle

SI completely goes out the window when my emotions go past a certain threshold that's extremely rare to achieve and i'll hate myself if that happens again without a proper method in place

Last thing i want is permanent damage
There is no painless way. Isn't there a gun at the shooting range? Doesn't Britain have shooting ranges? There are people in every country who suddenly shoot themselves in the head at a shooting range. Wouldn't it be possible to die right away, as someone was looking for a bridge to fall in England before? There is no way to die without pain. If you want to die right away, jumping is the only option.
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
There is no painless way. Isn't there a gun at the shooting range? Doesn't Britain have shooting ranges? There are people in every country who suddenly shoot themselves in the head at a shooting range. Wouldn't it be possible to die right away, as someone was looking for a bridge to fall in England before? There is no way to die without pain. If you want to die right away, jumping is the only option.
Guns arnt easy to come by in britain and no to my knowledge we do not have gunranges aleast not near to where i live

You can't really posse firearms without a license and a valid reason to own one (which i don't) even then your limited to what weapons you could have so yea
 
S

suicideby

After I die, I will be happy again like I used to
May 20, 2024
39
지난 몇 달 동안 제가 진정으로 갈 준비가 되어 있다는 것을 발견한 적이 거의 없었습니다.

3-4번 1번은 내가 돌아가서 옛날 메시지를 읽었을 때 그 일을 하기 위해 그날 밤 내 친구를 만날 준비를 하고 심지어 다음 날 목을 베려고 시도했다가 실패했을 때처럼… 심지어 친구 집에서 칼날을 얻으려 했지만 또다시 아무 소용이 없었습니다.

또 다른 때는 지난 달쯤 블루스의 새 친구가 저를 근본적으로 구원받을 수 없는 비정한 괴물로 보았다고 했을 때입니다.

다른 사건들은 기억이 안 나지만 분명 감정과 생각, 그리고 자기 혐오와 고통이 너무 많아져서 말 그대로 한밤중에 부모님 집을 떠나 다시 목을 조르며 자살을 시도했지만 분명히 실패했습니다.

이것이 내가 총기나 N 총기와 같은 것을 갖기를 바라는 이유입니다. 왜냐하면 나는 N에 대해 살고 있기 때문입니다. 그것은 제한된 국가에서만 사용할 수 있습니다.

페루 멕시코 등은 제가 얻을 수 없는 것을 얻기 위해 스페인어를 구사해야 하고, 부모님이 허락하지 않는 곳으로 여행해야 하며, 설사 제가 할 수 있다고 해도 저는 있는 그대로 길을 찾기 위해 고군분투합니다.

저는 그저 제가 어떤 고통이나 문제 없이 즉각적으로 할 수 있는 쉽고 고통 없는 방법이 있었으면 좋겠습니다. 왜냐하면 저는 충동적이고 계획이나 생각이 필요한 모든 것이 잘못되거나 그 감정적인 충동과 추진력이 해결될 시간을 가질 것이기 때문입니다.

SI는 내 감정이 달성하기 매우 드문 특정 임계치를 넘어서면 완전히 창밖으로 나가고 적절한 방법이 없이 다시 그런 일이 일어난다면 나 자신을 미워할 것입니다.

내가 원하지 않는 것은 영구적인 손상입니다.
제가 해본 것 중에 교수형이 높고 무게를 지탱해주고 에반스 매듭으로 여러 번 묶어서 잘 고정시켜줍니다. 5분 동안만 아파요. 경동맥이 막히면 기절해서 환각을 듣다가 몇 초 동안 고통스러워집니다. 산 채로 잡혔는데 15분밖에 안 걸립니다. 곳곳에 문이 많고 옷걸이도 많습니다. 우리나라에서는 많은 군인과 포로들이 총기나 교수형으로 사망합니다. 심지어 죽기 어려운 환경에서도 수건, 나일론 줄, 전선, 심지어 충전 코드는 사람을 죽입니다.
영국에서 총기는 쉽게 구할 수 없고 내가 아는 한 우리는 내가 사는 곳과 가까운 곳에 총기 범위를 가지고 있지 않습니다.

면허증과 소유할 수 있는 정당한 이유가 없으면 총기를 실제로 소유할 수 없습니다. 하지만 그렇게 많은 무기를 가질 수 있는 것으로 제한됩니다.
저수지에서도 익사가 가능합니다. 30분 동안만 사람들의 눈에 띄지 않으면 됩니다. 그 고통은 오래가지 못하고 당신은 이후에 평화로워집니다. 한 줄기 빛이 보입니다. 예전에 바다에 빠졌을 때의 경험이었습니다. 사람이 없는 강이나 저수지는 어떻습니까? 제 경험상, 교수형 drowning 가장 평화롭고 덜 고통스럽습니다.
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Honestly in the grander scheme of things i don't feel well at all since blue has left i feel in the last week has started to enter the "feels like she left only a few days ago" as opposed to yesterday took me 5 months to get there but thats tiny progress right?

Could go into details on other shit thats been going on being bullied in a server diffculties and conflict within myself fear of existence and seizing of it giving me a sense of entrapment

I feel like i really struggle to communicate my thoughts and emotions with difficulties i'm having alot of the time,I'm terrible at explaining how i feel as i have a hard time comprehending my emotions and issues myself failing to decide what details are and arnt relevant to devulge

I feel i'm failing more into my younger fagile state as opposed to the "strong" persona i put on but i still feel i haven't made a "permanent" decision going forward i'm manily making insignificant ones or reactionary

Then i'm worried about my friends,they're going through alot of shit and i'm genuinely failing to be there
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I knew a girl that meant the world to me,she was my everything i saw her as that,perhaps my actions didn't reflect my feelings on her but she meant everything to me.

For a year she lied to me about having a serious heart condition…when i found out about this lie it broke me…i never knew how to process such a convincing deception and delusion…i never commentalised it i never fully understood or accepted it,i just pushed down and repressed my feelings inside of me gave her a a smile and acted like it was ok…it wasn't ok and all these repressed feelings i had and haboured feelings of resentment and distrust came out in full force without me even realising it

Why did she lie about this? She was insecure she felt disinteresting she wanted someone to notice her and care for her and i put her on a pestool in my mind and it destoryed me


There was another girl that meant the world to me,she was kind caring friendly soft and sweet…but she lied to me too…she convinced me for 6 years that she understood me and i felt understood by her more than anyone else…it was a 6 year long lie…she never understood me…perhaps she wasn't capable…but she was too afraid to even ask questions or tell me that…granted perhaps its my fault for not lettint her understand after being lied to for a solid year in such a way as well…but it still fucking hurts


I hate being abandoned…it kills and the pain never goes away…it's like having someone die…but i think more than anything now i hate being fucking lied too
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
It will never really change will it?

No matter how long i go on for,no matter how much i try to be a good person and do the right thing,people will always think the worse of me and paint me out to be the bad guy

Every little mistake i make or outburst i have or bad word i say thats always what people remember me for

Never for my kind soul,never for my desperate efforts or selfless acts…never for the good things i do its always the bad

No matter what i will always be seen as the bad guy,as a bad person…people say i'm a "good person" yet no one ever sees good in me

Ever person i ever get close to lies to me,and will continue to do so…I'm hurt I'm misunderstood i'm mislapeled no matter how hard i want people to understand no matter how hard i try…heck even when i think people do…i'm wrong…everytime i feel someone gets it i'm wrong

It hurts…being mischaracterised being invalidated misunderstood uncared for thrown away etc

No matter what i do…what i say i'm never enough and i can either accept that…become the bad person they all see me as or want me to be or i can die

Because i get tried of this…I actually try to understand people and empathise with them not create a fake character of them

Maybe i just need to accept what i think and how i feel doesn't matter to anyone in the grander scheme of things,people will always lie to me and will always continue to

I get hurt but i hurt others so why does my pain and suffering matter right?
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
In a way if i had died at 13 would they have been any difference in living the last 10 years i have it still would be a case of "what could've been" but aleast I wouldn't carry all the pain and trauma i have now…


Nothing ever gets better and people who ever say that are spewing shit…everything only ever gets worse

No one ever cares…and no one will ever care…no one will ever understand…no one
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I keep going back to that message in my head questioning wether it was genuine

Kimchi lied to me for over a year about having a heart condition

Lied about caring for and about me, Describing me as a psycholigal study And somehow I convinced myself i was ok with it because i loved her Because i needed her

And i know no one will believe me Or care for that matter

"Oh she told you on call how convenient" well she did

Thought it was for the personal approach Perhaps she thought ahead all along That girl broke me that day And it took me until these last few months to realise that

But no one cares Or believes me Because i either imagine things or i outright lie about them Being gaslit intentionally or not for years by people Your friends your family

"You've always been happy the fuck you on about"

"I always cared for Jack despite the 1st few months I didn't" shit you not kimchi never told blue about the heart condition shit

"Your delusional jack"
"Your a liar jack"
"Your an attention seeker jack"
"You don't really want to kys and i know you wont"
"Just get over it"

They laugh at me, They always laugh at me The day when my mind finally snaps And i really fucking do it People will still think I'm crazy But the ones who lied

They'll know Wether they'll care Who knows But they'll know

"I contributed to that"

Wether they feel pride guilt or indifference Know the show 13 reasons why I have many

Many I've forgotten, No one ever thought I'd do it Even now

"Jacks not capable,he's not ready,he's lying"

Know the ironic thing, If I'm dead that's probably when people will start to understand Or will i just be forgotten to time

It matters not,i'll be free Free from the abuse and the evil known as humanity
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
It keeps playing back in my head,"your a monster,your irrdeemable,you can't be saved,you don't deserve to be loved or understood"

I lost a friend a while back…a friend i cared about that meant alot to me…but i hurt her alot…she felt like she wasn't being listened to and felt as if i didn't care about her…honestly i was so far stuck in my own head emotional sprials and problems i guess I couldn't blame her

I clung to her for any sort of emotional stability but in actuality maybe all it did was amplify those feelings more…or maybe it just connected me with then as i'm often disconnected from them i dont know

She said many kind things to and about me but towards the end I remember alof of passive aggressive comments directed towards me before she left…and now i wonder if any if the kind comments anf complements she gave me even meant anything

Was it just a way to butter me up,to make me feel good? Did she say it out of fear? I don't want to go down the route they were using me in some way although my mind fears the worst because i don't see that as logical or likely but honestly these last few days since she left i've been playing all the things in my head what i thought she'd say or is likely thinking

"I can see why blue left,your not a good person"

They even compared me to past relationships she had we're they got assaulted…they said no…only when writing this I'm starting to see they're point…there was things i asked of them…they would deny…give reasons…guess i've always had the problem solver mindset but maybe the reasons they gave were just that…excuses from the real reasons or just an outright diswant to do any of them


There was alot of times they freaked out most of which not my fault entirely…there was the fake hacker situation were they said they had my friend when that was purely because i sent them a screenshot with their name…then there was a "your a racist joke" i made because well growing up we had a friend that always joked about being a racist so it was just humour…they screamed at me for this…they never liked me talking about CTB or more trying to make a plan i think they questioned my intelligence alot even when i took a step back to plan…maybe she didnt like how proactive i was…idk

Then one thing that hurt me which was the lead up to when they left when i said ok i wont try to CTB with your presence anymore which I haven't for awhile is they said "your allowed to open up to me" i did that and thats when the incident happens…she kept butting in over and over and over again when all i was doing was trying to explain my story and she didn't want to listen at all…which considering i had let her speak about her story uninterrupted prior tbf my focus waded somewhat at times my head was always a mess but aleasy i let them speak and tried to listen the only time I'd interrupt was to ask to repeat certain details or elaborate on them but with me when i finally tried to tell them stuff that i had repressed for a long time…didn't want to listen just wanted to make me feel terrible about ever existing

Again maybe she just snapped maybe i got her on a bad day maybe she was on her period maybe at that point she just didn't like me or care about me anymore…it still hurts my chest talking about it…i just felt i found someone who finally understood but after that night i really questioned if she did understand or rather if she even wanted too

Did she leave for herself…or did she leave because she knew that would hurt me more than any horrible words ever could?

I feel amount of guilt for what happened…there is probably an even tiner amount of anger for how things ended

But more than anything the strongest feeling i have that massively dwafts and destories the other too is hurt…heartbreak…pain…sadness…grief

Part of my mind wants to believe their coming back but my brain should know thats simply not going to happen…they hate me now…they don't believe a word i say…they probably don't even believe the feelings i feel…they just see a monster…like everyone else does
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I keep having anxiety about him…i was dreaming about him for some reason and frightened to death if he is going to do something to blue…i just need closure but all the horrible things he did to me then has the ordacity to say "its nothing personal" like tf is wrong with him…i just…i just wish this anxiety would go i wish i could go

I'm away with family up super early as usual and i'm just stuck with all these overwhelming and painful thoughts just wishing i could CTB which idek if the method i have in mind will work yet i can only see when i get home which makes me more anxious that ever i could be so close to having a way out but it may fail or worse just not be pauliseable so yea…
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
So i debated about making an individual post about this but i decided against it until i know for certain but i guess i'm worried about @dkrw

They made a post a few days back about catching the bus didn't specify by what method giving their post history i assume it was by hanging but ig my questions are is did it work? Did it go well? Was it painful? Are they ok?

I can't say i knew them as deeply as I would've liked to but i could certainly relate with their feeling of losing everything and wanting everything to be over…again i've only been on here a few months and its the 1st sorta friend i've seen CTB so its a weird feeling to say the least

I'd like to do an application post of sorts to them (again after waiting awhile to be sure there gone) to tell of their story and just say nice things about them

Again if your somehow alive @dkrw and your reading this,maybe you felt insignificant maybe you felt like you didn't matter to anyone but I can't say I'm te only heart you've touched in this community i imagine you've touched many others also

Your a good person and if you are truly dead i hope it was as painful as it could be and now your finally at ease

—————————————————————

Anyways onto my second little vent I suppose as you may of noticed i've been trying some hanging of my own partial to be exact i have a post on it,unfortunately little o'l me thought a hangmans noose would do the job i was told quite swiftly this wouldn't be the case and with the time limitation and beint unable to figure out how to tie the slipknot despite watching videos i prosisted with the hangmans knot with socks and it went just as well as you imagined


I've taken an unorthodox approach to partial hanging in the aspect of laying on the floor and lifting my head and upper chest as far as they'll go having the rope wrapped around my neck tugging on it as sorts and the plan is to wait until i get extremely tired put my end in the noose pass out which should allow it to do its thing while i'm asleep

What mistakes were made? I ended up having the noose too close down to the floor on top of the rope actually pulling itself out giving me room to breath so that was a failure it i can do the correct knot this time and have the rope closer to the air perhaps it will succeed but i cannot be sure until i try
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
He's most likely going to end up raping her…and I can't do anything about it…it's my fault i allowed this to happen i made her look for people i made her feel terrible i made her feel shitty…i made her feel awful…and now he makes her feel like shes the world…but the depths he has gone to do that…lying about me twisting my words…taking advantage of her…cutting her off from all her friends…fucking ALTERATING MESSAGES…does that sound like a good person to you?

He keeps pleeing i'm not that bad despite the fact my stomach and gut is screaming "something isn't right about him" but no one will listen no one really cares and most importantly she wont listen…and i enabled this situation to happen…i caused this…and no one wanted to listen to me…and its all my fault and i'm powerless to do anything about it and i hate myself for it…
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I sit and listen to this guy going on about death to palestine that all blacks should be terminated that women are dump stupid and inferior that depression is basically a myth that fat shaming is ok on top of justifying rape…and many other things i don't even care to remember or think of rn

For years i've had people call me a terrible and awful person people saying I'm manipulative that i'm an attention seeker that i'm all these horrible things when it actuality i'm just an emotionally unstable person that yes hurts people but there is genuinely people out there that go out of their way to cause mailous acts and evil…yet i get lumbered in with these people

People who deliberately go out of their way to do evil things and sneakily and mailously…like there is so many evil people in this world it sickens me

That i get labeled the same way as these bigoted pricks…these intentionally manipulative assholes…all these horrible things yet i get treated the same way..i get misunderstood i get mischaracterised over and over my feelings constantly get invalided if i talk about anything about my feelings or my experiences

I'm lying,i'm being dishonest,I'm manipulating…i express feelings of self harm sadness suicide whatever else "oh your lying" this is why i wish people could see inside my head see how i really feel see how i really think i've dealt with years of gaslighting of mischaracterasion of all these horrible things…and no one believes me and idek if i can believe myself anymore…it's all lies what do i believe when everyone says different things and tell me my experiences are fake and false and lies and delusions…no one listens to me…no one will ever understand even now people will tell me that i'm lying that i'm faking this

I just want to be believed i want people to understand i want people to know the truth and idek the truth anymore…because peoole keep telling me all these different things and tell me everything i say is irrelevant or a lie or anything…how can i win when everyone says everything i say is a lie or for attention or sympathy or manipulation or doesnt matter…

People make me feel like i'm the liar…it's heavy imposter syndrome and blue is the only person who went against that but now idk what to believe

I know when my emotions get really bad…i can become a really really terrible person…but i know thats not who i am…but i know its a part of me

But the thing is people lie and twist what i say and make me out into this terrible person i'm not and say my experiences are false and my feelings are fake and everything but they're not i do feel guilty about what i do even if I'm numb and disconnected from then most the time i never dver take pride in it…yet people like to make out as if i do…as if i take pleasure in hurting people and i know i do it frequently but i dont and for years i've had people ram this agenda and narrative down my throat and blue was the only one who ever stop against that narrative and now not only does she believe it but she's making it worse than it ever worse and it destorys my heart

Its the biggest betrayal ever but idek if its her doing or his…

But how can i when for about 8 years i've been constantly told i'm a monster without anyone telling me the opposite…and idek trust my own inner voice anymore because all i hear is lies i can barely rven remember my own past anymore i try to remember but I can't

The thing is people do know me for awhile…and they twist what i say and maybe some people believe it but i know there's people that don't and know i'm just emotional and take advantage of me…i know there is ik people wont believe me but there is and it breaks me time and time again

The problem is i don't feel like anyone understands me or ever will and i feel like i cant open up because people will say i'm lying or guilt tripping or manipulating or anything else gets discredited and invalidated over and over
 
Last edited:
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Honestly i created this thread will the whole purpose of not spamming the community as much with my vents and rants and complaining but despite all of that i end up creating separate threads anyway

I like to think there is some sort of point i'm trying to make or some sort of feedback or advice i'm looking for when i do this where if it's something i simply want to get off my chest and dont care for people to see i leave it here

But the truth is despite the constant posting over and over I genuinely feel and i know for a fact i get on people's nerves…i've never had anyone express this to me directly but i just get the feeling…i guess the ignore button exists for a reason if these people really found me annoying wouldn't they just do that

But then i think what if people dont what if they hate read my posts and think
"What a crybaby just kys already you coward" goes back to what that luna dude (that I'm pretty sure is banned now) said to me a few months back…if i recover does that mean i went against killiny myself or course no one is pro that ik but still I'm proving those doubters right..people will probably say I'm narcissistic to think people even read or care about my posts but…i guess i care too much about what people think

I genuinely even thought about making a poll about public reception of me from netural negative and postive but i just thought "is that really a good idea?" Worst part is its not one i've sheved either

I've also had a few people express how they relate with my posts and empathise with me and stuff so obviously people do care but then i think is there more people that hate me and find me annoying and obnoxious than people who care

I have no way or ever knowing this really…so yea
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I would feel it befitting to die by her hand…yes we are going back their kimchi

This whole idea has been well shutdown in my mind tried to get through to her for awhile got others to on many platforms and nothing…so it's truly dead in the water

But i can still dream right… fantasise as i said wouldn't only be nice to spend my final moments and reconcile with her but in a way she's the 1st real person i felt i truly let down…i hurt alot of people before then…but shes the 1st person i knew cared deeply and had a huge impact on me i was always grateful for…she grew to resent me with a burning passion and often wished for my death so for her to be able to put an end to it…would be quite befitting…
 

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