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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I just need someone i can talk to each and everyday…I wouldn't go as far as every hour..but someone i can talk to for serveal hours in the day wether it be by call or text

Someone who cares about me someone who is invested in me…someone who delicates alot of their time for me and has alot of time for me…but it's not realistic is it…I'm just sat and left to be alone and i have absolutely no choice in the matter…everyone just feels inadequate and i feel inadequate by extension

I appreciate and care about the people i have but i just feel like no one is the person i need…i just can't be myself…i just can't be happy it seems and thats the truth…
 
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W

wyo777

When life is a nightmare...
May 18, 2024
169
There is no painless way. Isn't there a gun at the shooting range? Doesn't Britain have shooting ranges? There are people in every country who suddenly shoot themselves in the head at a shooting range. Wouldn't it be possible to die right away, as someone was looking for a bridge to fall in England before? There is no way to die without pain. If you want to die right away, jumping is the only option.
There is a painless way, just needs to put some effort and go to SA. It is possible for someone who is sure that he wants CTB. If someone is not sure it is more like screaming for help. I do not judge, i know how much pain is in this scream.......
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
"oh look at you again, bitching about your problems,look chloe…your problems don't matter,your feelings don't matter, and most importantly of all…you don't matter…ok?"

Just voices in my head no one in particular,it's an objective truth with a subjective viewpoint

"Tell you what chloe,why don't you just do me and the whole world a favour and just kill yourself already?! Earth would be a better place without you on it!"

"Seeing you suffer makes me smile chloe…"

"It's genuinely pathetic that you think you should matter!"

"All you care about is blue jack…so why should anyone care about you"


This last one here is what i feel kimchi would say…again its what she is saying in my head
"I don't think your a monster jack…you feel guilt and self hatred…however i do believe that your incapable of changing…and that you are very much a lost cause"
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I can't put the pain i'm feeling into words currently so i'm just going to write and see where my mind goes

My mind is a mess currently I'm thinking about so much,loneliness,fear of death,my need to die,unfair hate and misunderstanding from others,distance from the ones i care about,robbed opportunities and friendship,self hating thoughts,feeling inadequate and worthless,wanting to be tortured…her obviously just so much going through this head of mine and its too much to handle

I wish i could solve half of these problems so i could focus on the rest but my brain is so devived that i can't handle any of them…i just want to be liked…i just want to be cared for…i just want people to understand me…i dont want people to hate me ignore me and shut me out as they often and always do…i jjst want to be accepted…i dont want to be alone…i want ro be listened to i want to be cared for…i want alot of things

But maybe its better i accept all of these things as an impossibility and use all this pain and suffering to die

But remember the clauses I've referenced previously can i gartine my parents will find me quickly…no…do i have people around to comfort me through the process…somewhat but not really…its day which i have a preference for night…so again it just doesn't feel like the right time as much as i want it to be…tbh i just hate the sun if it could disappear and i could die in the darkness that would be just wonderful

Wouldn't have to deal with the hate anymore the suffering the antagonisation
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Honestly i've been trying to cash my tickets for sometime now but situations and shit keep getting in the way and its kinda annoying and i'm not even talking about SI or my inactions or subconscious self sabotage

It's always external factors at play stopping me that are completely out of my control such as

A new friend appearing out of nowhere that prevented me CTB'ing today

The broken malwai tent bought it and the zip bust out the box

Other inconviences

That chat i joined recently boosted my mood but not changed my life at all

My friend who was supposed to come around and help me couldn't so i didn't get to access the DW

My other friend had inconveniences happen which stopped him aiding me while he could

And way more i'm forgetting about

I just wonder if its a sign or something or just someone genuinely trying to fuck with me because i cant tell

I'm still suffering snd in pain i just wanna die but fuck man
 
shinitai_sh0jo

shinitai_sh0jo

Is it so selfish to want to feel a little better?
Dec 30, 2023
103
I should probably do one of those, too. I'd be really useful to keep stuff organized IG.

About methods and stuff, there's a lot of material and resource u can get in the forum (though you probably know that lmao)

Is it too rude to ask what method you're going for? No need to answer if it is tho
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I should probably do one of those, too. I'd be really useful to keep stuff organized IG.

About methods and stuff, there's a lot of material and resource u can get in the forum (though you probably know that lmao)

Is it too rude to ask what method you're going for? No need to answer if it is tho
@fleetingnight already poached my idea so you wouldn't be the 1st 😂 and yea it's actually really good has saved me spamming a handful of threads here and there if i can just dump stuff here or even smaller things i feel I can't put into a thread its nice

I mean I've explored plenty of methods as you should know by now I already had one was even ready to go last night but a newly found friend stopped me

Again the method i decided to go with was an unorthodox version of partial hanging which i had a thread on my setup somewhere or i can just send you it personally and talk you through it


—————————————————————

Anywho i will use this as an opportunity to add another entry of sorts,i slept relatively well last night slept on call with someone (that newly found friend I referred to earlier) so i felt relaxed and at ease…but that didn't stop me waking up feeling like crap again having all the self hating thoughts rush through my head again


Of kimchi telling me that i hurt blue delebrately…take i was fully aware of what i was doing…that i took pleasure in it…that i used and saw her as an emotional punching bag…that i never cared for her

That i need to fully realise and accept how i treated her how i made her feel how i ruined her life and broke her and that only when i realise all that i'm allowed to and should go

That I'm not allowed to go out feeling like a victim…mourning her loss as it was all my fault fully my fault and i deserved it

I need to be fully aware of the monster i was…and kill said monster

Some might say i'm being harsh but you can't refute elements of truth in a majority of what i'm saying

I'm just thinking what jay (old mutual friend of blue and i) would say she would probably have alot of harsh and horrible words to say she believes im a monster that can't change afterall
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Why do i feel numb?

It's like i feel super depressed and suicidal and extremely happy and hopeful at the same time and my brain doesn't know how to process everything so it just crashes

I don't feel anything Like i feel hints of depression fanning over me yet i smile and feel bright too Its odd but its mainly numbed out

Like part of me is in pain and wants to go but there is so much making me happy but i know it wont last and i feel i have a good opportunity to go

Like i have triggers that would normally make me think of blue but my brain is just…not doing anything its not like i'm ok with it because i had triggers earlier and thoughts that made me feel that way but now its just eh like its overloaded or broken
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Figured i'd leave another one of these strong string posts,got a bunch of "vent threads" that never got put into here so i figured I would seriously need to reduce these one off vent threads and put them all in here which i've been doing a better job at more recently hence why there is such an early cut off i feel


—————————————————————




May 16th


I just had a vision in my head of her,using the bag i got to CTB waiting for me to take my meds and just over powering me forcing the bag on my head and tightening it

I struggle to fight back and resist but she overpowers me i try to struggle but to no avail,its not painful by any means emotionally traumatic yea punching my head as i sob and cry and beg her to stop but she continues never the less

I try to loosen the bag i try to push her off me but my arms are frantically moving around without eyes to guide them all i can see is the blackness of the bag my breathing at a rapid rate at this point

You would think i'd lose consciousness but i don't i just scream cry and sob hyperventilating while squirming around to break free

Sure eventually she finishes me off and maybe its not a way I'd idealistically want to go but maybe I deserve to go out painfully wether that be psychically or psychologically am i really deserving of a peaceful passing?

May 18th

Personally i don't care about emotional distress,my whole life revolves and consists of that anyway. What I'm concerned about is failure with side effects and psychical pain discomfort i can probably handle but pain is something I'm seriously sensitive to and i'm just wanting a way that is painless

Wether its a gun to the head the glorious but basically impossible to get N even ethausisa if i had someone to aid (there is many countries where it's medically possible to get MAS) but unfortunately these most ideal methods are just far to difficult to even achieve yet alone quickly hence the struggle

May 20th

I can't say the past week hasn't been a hell for me…in some ways it's been an up turn actually gotten back into some gaming that I haven't done for months but along with all of that i have had my ps2 break down and scratch both GT games discs so i had to replace the lot which was alot of spontaneous walks and bus trips when my mind wasn't in the right place

My twitches and body spasms have gotten way worse i've had migraine from the level of stress i've felt my suicidal tendencies have increased somewhat dramatically i've had multiple panic attacks and emotional breakdowns over the past week

I've dealt with alot of harrassment and i'm not just including the SN shit which in hindsight i can acknowledge i brought that on myself and getting in huge trouble for a stupid post that was wrong to make ages ago…

I've been havjng alot of thoughts back to my hold friend and how i fucked up with them and worried is the guy genuine am i crazy won't go over all of that again its well documented but nevertheless

People keep suggesting therapy despite the fact i've been trying (and still am) to go to therapy paying out the ass and just making no progress at all which i'm not even blaming on them i just don't think i can honestly be fixed thats me being genuinely truthful

I make a alot of makes i fuck up a ton i even find myself feeling worse and worse i bring people down with me i make people feel shitty I don't feel save or welcome anywhere i just dk what to fucking do anymore and with each passing day it gets worse

I wanna help people i wanna be there for people but I can't even fucking take care of or help myself…i'm a mess…i'm a wreck and i just wish for once in my life i knew what to do


The stress of him what if he's lying to her and hurting her,the stress of her hating me,the stress of all the shit i get from people the isolation and loneliness and not having anyone i can go to…the stress of letting people down and not being there for them…the stress of angering and hurting people,the stress of all the shit i've had to replace these past couple of days,the stress of false hope,the stress of who i am and what people think of me…the stress of not seeming like a genuine person the stress of what to do next,the stress of my mother raming pills down me…the stress of trying to die and being successful the stress of failure the stress of being alive next year the stress of hurtint someone again the stress of getting attached again the stress of rejection and outcastment and abandonment the stress of so many things events thoughts snd realites its far too much and i'm beyoud my breaking point and i cant anymore

I've felt alot of feelings over the last few months but the one that is extremely prominent for me that I've admittedly neglected to ignore given my priority list but is now really rearing its ugly head which it has a few times prior is loneliness

I'm an extrovert always have been,i wanna be around people i wanna be with people i wanna be noticed by people etc…but my social battery hasn't been getting its charge these last few months especially particularly my own doing not wanting to open myself up since the incident but even if i did want to i have no one i can really talk to anyway

It's gotten especially bad today after a mental breakdown i had this morning i was overwhelmed to fuck and had no one i could really talk to about it i was just stuck in public freaking out like a mother fucker and I couldn't do anything but feel my head exploding and misfiring constantly…

I just can't take this anymore…i just can't but what can i even do nothing but sit and suffer with my own isolation because what else can i do but be ignored outcasted overlooked and so on

May 21st

She left because of me,because i was horrible to her and not nice to her but I can't help but think back to her "friend" that convinced her to leave and my gut feeling has always been dodgy about him

And the more and more i think back to certain moves he's pulled and things he's said I can't ever be certain but i feel it's possible he is manipulating her and the worst part is if he is i gave him an easy in and if he does end up hurting her its going to be all my fault…i'm trying to do everything to find out the truth but I just can't and even if i did its not like she's going to listen to me or no one else will thats for sure…

Its all my fault…all of it and i hate myself for it

May 22nd


I remember years back thinking i wish mental health studies would be better so people like me didn't have to suffer be be misunderstood as much as i am,and that personally i'd never wish these feelings and thoughts that i suffer with constantly…but honestly that view i feel is slowly changing

Would i inflict all these feelings i have on just anyone or even everyone? Oh no i mean the people that have misjudged me the people who have mislabeled me and mistreated me

The constant feelings of dread,the constant feelings of anxiety the constant feelings of self hatred and misidentify not even knowing who you are,the rapid emotions and constant worry and panic of people leaving you abandoning you hating you,constantly worryint and thinking how people think of you and seeing you

the endless feeling or lack of understanding and constant antagonism,the rapid storm of emotions swelling inside of you and constant thoughts about yourself people and the world around you but never truly being able to express them by voice or by text just stuck with them and they come as quickly as the go

realisations that never stick or just get written off or corrected seemingly the next day…the constant struggle and battle for control over your own mind and life yet its futile…people always hate you…people eventually leave you…and they never understand why…they tell you to move on…they tell you it isn't a big deal…they tell you your over reacing…basically saying your feelings don't matter…they say get therapy…they say all sorts of things without truly understanding how you feel or why you do these things…i'd wish that on some of these people…failure to understand me…to demonise me…to say i'm a monster yet you refuse to put me down?…you refuse to let me put an end to all of this in seemingly the only way i fan when i know there is a strong part of me that doesn't want to…but as the pain continues as it gets larger…as the mental pain and struggle gets harder and harder i get more and more pushed towards it…because no one will ever fully understand me

they'll understand certain elements and parts but for years people have tried to figure me out but no one can…"well isn't that your job?" You think I haven't fucking tried…I can't stand people who say the same basic generic shit of shitty advice I've already done or even wishes of "things get better" yet all that ever happens is they get fucking worse

I wish i could transplant all my insecurities and fears into these people until they come crawling to me begging for a sense of mercy like "oh I understand now and i'm sorry i was so terrible to you"

Because yea you don't understand unless you live in someones mind you can walk in someones shoes but that doesn't mean you experience it the same its narrow minded and dogmatic to think and believe that way

May 24th

This world is filled with evil

Women who lie and lead on and destroy the lives of men,men who take advantage and abuse women

People who lie and deceive others to get what they want,they are girls that scream rape when no so action has occured while there is others out they're getting sexually assaulted on a nightly basis and are psychically and emotionally powerless to do anything

This world is filled with evil people and there is no good people left all people do js lie manipulate and deceive…i wish i knew what a genuine human or friend was but i'm yet to have one in my now 23 year life

Humans are vile disgusting creatures that should be eradicated,and yes i know i'm going into an FC style rant here but if i had it my way I would've wished for that suicide attempt at 15ish to have been successful

Fuck humans,fuck this earth and fuck everyone who has ever lied to me…who has ever decieved me…who has ever backstabbed me…who has ever lead me on

May 25th

My whole life i've always felt an inability to fit in…always felt left out…never enjoyed groups unless i lead them otherwise i felt like an afterthought

I always preferred one to one conversation though

I grew up in a small special needs school and there wasn't many opportunities to make friends really,most of which tended to be on the…"heavier" end of the spectrum shall we say…so there was little options for friends i could really make and most of the people that were on an able level were always different from me…scumbags basically i live in a pretty shitty area and being socially inept didn't help me at all

Contributing to that was my bully who constantly spoited shit and lies about me that weren't true and to this day idek what these lies were…he can't even remember but he made a difficult social life more difficult than it was

Naturally because of this most the friendships i ever have devulged from online but long distance relationships probably weren't the best for me…probably needed someone i could talk to more face to face or even over the phone which really wasn't common place when growing up nether were voice notes

But I didn't realise much of that at the time,commucating with poor social skills and dyslexia as well on top of always feeling reletively limited even to this day in text i just feel i cannot express myself as much as i could via voice but it's rare I'm given such an opportunity

But long distance and poor social skills weren't my only problem emotional difficulties were too…ones i still have today

They mainly started out as depressive episodes and clingy behaviour but over the years they got worse…i slowly started to develop rage episodes…from all the trauma pain and suffering i was dealing with….it was a defensive mechanism of sorts

Alot of people growing up mistreated me,called me ugly called me many names i'd rather not repeat invalidated my feelings and even questioned wether my depression was even real…people questioned how i felt…what my intentions were…questioned everything of me

Constantly demanded answers to questions i never knew the answers to…and i felt i had to know…over the years i spend alot of time analysing myself trying to figure out why i'm the way i am why i feel the way i do and why i do the things i do but any level of reflection goes out the window…

Balance is something I've always looked for but never found…someone who can understand but someone who will hold me accountable

I feel they are days i need to be understood and listened to while they are days i need to be held accountable…it's difficult for me…always has been…you make a mistake you do something wrong but you don't realise until it's too late…

People pretend or think they understand me but they dont…it doesn't matter how much I explain to people they never understand

I want to be understood but i need to start accepting that i never will


I really don't want to be saying this (and maybe i'll get flak for posting this but whatever) but I'm really starting to consider wether i was wrong about being here

At 1st i felt quite indifferently was looking for suicide methods and trying to find the perfect way to go…as you can tell I'm still here and i've failed to do so

After awhile i slowly started to gain a presence here and started to even find a few people I considered friends or even just people i reconised that i deemed friendly


The last few weeks however…I'm starting to honestly think differently some of the people I considered to be "friends" turned out not to be so…i had people pushing SN a ton on me and people naturally got pissed about a public post i somewhat regret now

Had people harrass and bully me in dm's and just getting into all sorts of questionable shit and now i think…was i really right about this community being friendly and kind

I'm not saying there isn't kind people out there christ no they clearly is but I'm now starting to question wether they're is more bad people than good..i think there was a point on here ironically i felt less suicidal because of the friendly and positive engagements i made but now i'm feeling closer to how i did when i joined this site or even a few months ago when i was desperate to go

The information is there for most methods It's either me trying to understand them,a difficulty of access or any and other complications that just make things hard for me

People have varying levels of understanding of this…some people think I'm not serious,or not ready…some people think I'm lying or doing it for attention and none of that is fucking true…

I admit it I'm asking for alot…everything i want is out of fucking reach for me…I've considered method apon method but i just can't fucking find one thats like "yea,i'm ok with this…this is possible"

I joined here in hopes of finding the answers and peace i was looking for,and that is not a failure of anyone by all means I'm fully aware of that

I just wish I could've just been gone by now knowing i don't offer good to the word nor feel welcomed in it…just dealing with endless pain and suffering

I don't want to say i'm leaving…i'm not at that point yet but I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind…

May 26th

I guess it's something i've always craved even from a young age around 14 i'm in my lower 20s now and i feel i'm yet to find it…i had people who filled those roles for me before and they meant the world to me but they are well gone now and i can only really blame myself for that

So what is it i seek look for or need
A best friend,a companion,a lover,an anchor my everything and world

Someone who fully understands me,someone who truly cares,someone who understands how my mind works how my brain ticks,perhaps needs the same things as me or can provide for my own,someone who can get the best out of me someone who isn't afraid to open up to me,someone who isn't afraid to ask favours of me,someone who isn't afraid to fight for me,someone who isn't afraid to be firm with me but fair…someone who knows how delicate i can be…but also how volatile i can be…someone who will stick by me no matter what
Someone i can help and empower someone…that I don't believe i can ever have or will but someone i've been in desperate need of my whole life

May 27th

This is a reminder that seems to be rammed down my throat alot across my life

I believe i've mentioned before about how my 1st genuine suicide attempts were around 14-15 my memory does fail me on this it was the classic plastic bag with an apple wire wrapped around the base of the bag and neck

Tried this for weeks on end and there was a point were i panicked and ripped open the back and i have thought back to it thinking what if i hadn't ripped that back and just let nature take its cause,upon research i've done since then it's extremely possible I wouldn't have died but not impossible but for the sake of argument i did or would've right


Everything in my life seems to be a constant reminder or in a way reinforcement of the belief that i made the wrong decision,that i went against what destined for me or maybe the greater good of the world and because of that well…

Ever heard of the butterfly effect? What if i was to tell you me living that day has made me the cause of the covid outbreak and in turn that is what has allowed the brewing of the 3rd world war

Me myself has destoryed alot of lifes with my irrational erratic emotional behaviour people i fucking cared about…and generally i think my existence is nothing but trouble for anyone and everyone or so I'm constantly told…i have a handful of people telling me i bring them some joy and comfort but do i? Does it make up for the people i've hurt and even so people that say this are people i've most likely hurt at points anyway

I believe that me failing that suicide attempt was a mistake…even if i ended up in a coma aleast people wouldn't of been hurt…aleast i'd be at peace until they finally pulled the plug and I drifted off into the black abyss

My existence has done nothing but cause pain and inconvenience to others and that's exactly what it continues to do and no I don't want to hear people saying "oh no you matter and shit" tell that to the people that i hurt,tell that to all the people over the years that hate me tell that to all the people that see me as an irrdeemable monster that feelings nothing…because honestly if I didn't have the morals i did…maybe i'd fully allow myself to feel nothing sadly i can repress these feelings i can numb them…I can't fully ignore them or run from them


Going back to when i was with her I constantly thought of what other people thought of me,people from my past people from my present and just always craved and wanted more people in my life

Yet really extrovert or not my mind never should've been like this,in blues year absence prior i isolated myself,the reality is that's exactly what I should've done with blue

My brain should be wired in a way I didn't need to see or speak to her everyday,my brain should be wired in a way where I don't give a SHIT what anyone else thinks only her opinion and view should've mattered to me

My mind should be wired in a way were I don't trust or need anyone but i can hold this mentality without being outwardly bitter about it,my mind should be wired in a way that i'd trust her no matter what and never be hurt by her because she never would…my brain should be wired in a way i let no one else get close and if they want to force their way in i should react not foract

My brain should be wired in a way that only i and her mattered…but its not and even if it was now its tooo late…so what do i do now…wander this lonely earth constantly hated and despised by others constantly begging and bending my own will and mind for their approval…for acceptance…for understanding…maybe i should stop trying to fight for validation…for my indivual right…for what i think is right…i should just bend over conceed and just be what people want me to be…do what people want me to do…anything just to be liked even if that means fully breaking myself

Whats more important my individuality or being liked by others? I really thought both were possible but I've come to a stage in life were i realise thats simply not the case…i can choose to find whoever i am and be hated by basically everyone and who maybe someone likes me or jist be ok with no one likint me…or i can just scarfice everything that makes me me just to be liked by others

My controversial opinions,my humour,my intelligence,my feelings emotions and thoughts everything that makes me an individual

May 28th


The lack of people in my life growing up,the actual toxic people i had in my life,misunderstanding by people and lack of acceptance,constantly being disappointed and let down,gaslighting both intentionally and not

Humans have always been the cause of my suffering from the very beginning and my need codependency and crave for any sort of social interaction or attention is ultimately my biggest downfall but I couldn't or wouldn't want to see myself any other way but it just leaves me up for easy exploitation…i guess i just wish i had a delicate protector of sorts that saw me that way but given the serveal year long narrative of "i'm an evil person,i'm this and that" i just don't think thats a protector i'm ever going to have or deserve

Humans are complex creatures for sure i just wish I didn't have to life amongst them given I'm seemingly more complex than anyone


I remember secondary school where i had this bully going around making up lies and shit about me and no one would ever come to me tell me these things or ask for my side

Online i would have people be nasty and unkind which would cause me to react in a way and people twist me words make me look like something i'm not or whatever without asking for my side

Or even times when i get something wrong,i act impulsively or emotionally irrationally or even do something really fucked up. Again the rumour mill spins and i become literal hitler…this is something i've suffered from for serveal years irl on platforms like amino being a heavy example of this discord from time to time other the years just many situations were people will spread stuff about me wether genuine twisted or outright false and people will never actually confront me and ask "why did you say this,or did you do that? Or is this real?" So on and forth…no one ever really tries to ask for my side of things they either assume dont care or just believe whatever others say about me and I can't say it isn't a touchy topic for me

Yet despite this happening so frequently you think they would be an acceptable of "well that's just how things are" but i just don't…perhaps i'm too stubborn or have too much fight or maybe i'm just still too emotional or sensitive idk

I'm not gonna wish for the world or people to be different as thats one thing i have accepted people are just ignorant alot of the time wether they hold or mean ill will or not

It's especially harder when you can barely understand why you do things alot of the time…if i look back at actions or certain things i do to this day i struggle to understand them…very few commonalitys exist one of them being i don't hold malice in anything i do…yes anything

I believe in love over war anyday of the week (and not politically) i would rather be everyones friend than be anyones enemy…i would rather everyone like each other than everyone hate eachother like that often happens in this world

But again just an emotional vent somewhat topical I'll acknowledge but it's also a commonplace tread in my life i don't really see stopping anytime soon unless i became ok with isolation or i cease to exist which i also hope or believe is soon but i've been saying that for 5 months now…like united winning the league it'll happen when it happens
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Wrote this little gem yesterday and thought i should share


I feel so numb and disconnected and idk why and i dont like it, I just feel like i'm taking everyone for granted…all i seem to focus on is blue


I know i felt something this morning…like my heart felt warm and was pratically screaming for your (a now close friend of mine's) attention but at some point something in my brain just,flicked idk and now i just feel disconnected from everything

Like I'm thinking (not feeling) suicidal and feel i should die for that reason

Like i care about people obviously but i feel all i'm doing is constantly thinking about her and going over her in my head sometimes even when i'm with others and stuff i feel like my brain has just shut down from fratgiue of it all


ultimately i feel this is going back to the thoughts i had a few months back feeling like I needed to be abused and treated horribly for the way i treated blue because I can't learn

But what someone helped me realise is i was right in the aspect of i've always been misunderstood and just had the wrong people around me that just couldn't handle me ya'know doesn't mean i didn't do wrong but yea

And when i said thinking suicidal i'm not feeling that way and even so for me to inact on them i'd have to feel them plus be heavily emotionally charged which their not currently
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Was having fun and feeling happy but then the thought of him getting me banned from that community and turning the leader against me upset me and the way she treated me and barely got my side

Wouldn't listen to me at all or understand how important blue was to me or bpd or anything

He has the ordacity to talk nice to me but talk shit to everyone else behind my back it's horrible

Like do all that damage and then take no responsibility and act like nothing happened


Looking back idk wether he just mismanaged shit or did it all maliciously to keep me away from blue if its the ladder i worry about her

He was kind last time we spoke but at the same time he rubbed the fact her and him were dating in my face

My friend seems to think that he really enjoyed the idea that he took blue away from me and If thats the case i'm worried…but No one seems to care or believe me…that just makes me feel worse and scared for her maybe I'm wrong but i can never sake the feeling and his cloak dagger approach doesn't help either but i can understand it too

Apparently according to him she was suicidal but he only told me this in his second encounter with me but I can't get clarification at all

Its paulsiable that she was but idk if he was lying to make me look bad

The reality is did he push her to leave me or is she really the one that felt the way she did
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
So my new friend is a shining light in an otherwise bleak existence,but gran turimso has finally worn itself out for me and I'm basically left with nothing else to do

Anything else i could or should do i just find myself incapable of enjoying finding the motivation or not wanting to spoil because of blue baggage

All the stress and drama and bad thoughts among other things keep going through my head dragging me down my therapy feels completely useless snd pointless which i have some colourful opinions on which i will make in a thread of its own but honestly i just wish i could go but can't find the mental or emotional strength to go

I guess i've got the euros to look forward too but at the same time i dont know
 
goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I was wrong about blue…

She was never as perfect as i made her out to be…she was never without her flaws…it's not like she didn't ever hurt me although admittedly she never meant to or even fully realised for that matter..

She was never capable or willing of giving me the attention love and affection i really needed that i really craved…

I put her on such a high penstool without realising it…yet she was never who i saw her as and in a way because of that perhaps i saw her more negatively when she never fit the fiction in my mind…

There is various angles i can choose to look at this but no matter how much you slice the pie…she was far from perfect…or even the person i needed for that matter

She was kind…she tried to be patient but she never really truly came close to understanding my needs yet alone furfilling them…but perhaps i could say the same for myself about her

We were never met to be i guess…perhaps it would've been better we never met…maybe I should've just let her go long ago…I'm sorry blue…but honestly all these months of being told I'm a terrible person and friend…i realise that my feelings matter to and in all reality…you should be sorry to me aswell

My new friend made me slowly come to terms with this…they now give me the attention and love i always craved and deserved…and honestly i appreciate them for that
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
Guess i figured i'd post this here as dk if i wanna bother this with anyone specifically

Woke up feeling after a pleasant nights sleep as i have been getting frequently lately with that friend in my life,but also what tends to immediately happen is my mind instantly jumps into negative thoughts bringing my mood down immediately not being able to enjoy that peaceful rest at all and this keeps happening

This morning i woke up feeling fine then started thinking of this horrible bitch that lied to me and lead me on and used me

Then of course I started thinking of and about that guy blue was with again and how he treated me and wether he was genuine or not which is a reoccurring thought in my head that totures me you have no idea…i keep trying to convince myself he is a nice guy but just alot of information doesn't really add up

I just wish these anxious feelings and thoughts would go away so i could fully enjoy the time with my friend …or i wish i could just get closure on the truth

Is blue really in danger or not,if she is should i even care? Has she done it to herself? Is she the one that made him like that or did he? Just all these questions that keep racing and destroying my head

Then they was a friend that left me yesterday claiming that i didn't "care" despite that being the opposite of the truth…like honestly i'm getting overwhelmed with all this stress and negativity yet i have them…they make me happy they make me feel so loved yet all my thoughts go back to all the horrible people in my life and horrible things and nasty things people have said too and about me and all the thoughts people probably have about me…it just hurts me massively

I wish i could make these thoughts go away…i wish i could make these people understand and care for me and like me…i wish i could make myself not care about all these shitty people and realise they are just that…i'm just about done beating the shit out of myself for other people
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
i was watching this anime last night called "angels of death" but the main character in the anime i guess sorta reminded me of blue in someway but anywho i guess it just got my mind thinking back to kimchi

How i feel blue was a replacement to kimchi yet never actually replaced kim at all blue doesn't share many aspects of kimchi's personality

Her desire and ability to control her questionable morality but also the devotion i had for her that never really existed for blue

I always saw kimchi was powerful strong and wise she had a kind heart sure but only for those who deserved it unlike blue who would be kind to any sorry sap

I saw her as my goddess someone i would do anything for…even betray my own friends it necessarily as she was that important to me i never expressed these things to her but its always how i felt inside,I wanted to be her vessel

Blue never invoked these feelings in me reality the only thing she had was her kindness understanding (which wasn't even genuine) and her loyalty (which again on reflection is questionable)

The more and more i think about it blue…just wasn't all of that really…and if i had just been more honest with kimchi (which i say simliar to blue but my view on that has changed slightly) perhaps she would've given me the commitment i had always wanted

She always called me her wifey and said it was us against the world but i never gave her that enegry back and blue never agreed with such a mentality…ultimately she was weak

Not something i can admire in a person i suppose being emotional sensitive is one thing (heck look at me) but not being able to back your own convictions like blue is just cowardly…guess in many ways i didn't like her but was purely codependent on her…however there was also many things i did admire about her

Never the less in a way I believe that blue is right in the aspect i hold some level of psychopathy but really i've been surrounded by people my whole life that have levels of that so is it really surprising? Guess i'm drawn to them now

People believe being psychotic means being a full fledged psychopath but thats just not true…i have empathy and i can feel emotional attachment and even sorrow for people suffering i certainly did with kimchi never as much with blue as i never saw it with her

I want to hear the despair in someones voice…the trembling…i feel a level of sadistic pleasure writing these words but at the same time idk if its my autistic brain or something else wrong with me but unless i can relate with someone on a deeper level without seeing the emotional distress in their face or hearing it in their voice i just find myself feeling numb

I remember kimchi telling me about how her friends bullied her and burnt her drawings and i found myself crying…I remember the 1st time i went to try and off myself and i heard the immediate panic in ash's voice or his unease when i'm having a panic attack or hating on myself

I never saw emotion from blue…its rare we spoke but often her voice when she ever spoke was flat…emotionalless sometimes she showed joy and frustration but never was a sense of fear or sadness something i ever heard from her.

when me and blue used to call in the early days i even used to make jokes about her feeling like a robot,because she just expressed little to no emotion at all

she never opened up to me and perhaps she had her reasons and i may have contributed to that but really knowing someone for 6 years but never really knowing them just feels awful to me…she wants to pit the blame all on me but in reality it was her

I guess this is the reason i hate texting so much because i feel i struggle to express myself alot of the time but its also much harder to read the emotional weight of someone in a wall of text than the spoken word

Like I feel like someone could give me a whole wall of text about how they hate themselves but it would invoke such a small reaction ,but if we were to be on a call with this person or be with them irl and have them simply say "i hate myself,i never should've been born" struggling to hold back tears i feel that would hit me much more emotionally than a whole text about it. It's just hard for me to express or read emotions through text it just is

You maybe asking "ok whats your point? Blue wasn't a real friend,kimchi was? You struggle to be human via text?"

Honestly…I'm not sure it was just kinda a monolog that never really went anywhere i guess but its all insightful never the less

I guess the takeaway is i don't really feel blue or kimchi valued me anywhere near as much as i did them and i guess i felt this would've been the case for all eternity but then i met them…who feels so differently from those before yet occupies the role they left..i guess they share characteristics both kimchi and blue had but have others they didn't either like the true compassion and devotion they never had or aleast never to the level i desired or required
 
Eternal Eyes

Eternal Eyes

UK. Feel free to PM me.
Dec 3, 2023
62
I just need someone i can talk to each and everyday…I wouldn't go as far as every hour..but someone i can talk to for serveal hours in the day wether it be by call or text

Someone who cares about me someone who is invested in me…someone who delicates alot of their time for me and has alot of time for me…but it's not realistic is it…I'm just sat and left to be alone and i have absolutely no choice in the matter…everyone just feels inadequate and i feel inadequate by extension

I appreciate and care about the people i have but i just feel like no one is the person i need…i just can't be myself…i just can't be happy it seems and thats the truth…
I know this post is kinda old, but I've skim read this thread a few times. You seem very articulate when it comes to writing about your emotions and feelings, it's an admirable trait. If you want I could PM you? I'm not great when it comes to advice, but I will listen.
 

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