Venting when im not driven by anger i can't attempt

[aeri]

i attempted to ctb last may and i could have died unfortunately a friend of mine called the emergencies on me so i survived. i could have died

but this time im not making the same mistake, i am staying alone. no one should know im planning to ctb

however it's too complicated. im scared, and the SI are kicking too rough. it's been since yesterday i've been making some SN to drink but i cant. heart pouding. driven by sadness and despair. i wish rn i was very angry at myself and life so i could just impulsively do it, like last time.

i always have those thoughts that maybe things will get better. as if... it's been years i've been working on myself but it never gets better. i need to do it

i've missed uni already yesterday and today coz im afraid to go outside. afraid to have to interact with people again. i am supposed to ctb.

ppl from my class wanna come at my place to check if im doing ok. i need to die before that. but i cant

im not ok. i need to pause everything so i can feel better but i've already done that so many times. i had so many sick leaves, gap years etc. i cant get better. no matter how hard i try it never gets better and no matter how much i'll talk about it and try to be helped, it's never enough. im not sick enough to be taken seriously but still i cant function

ugh. aeri just do it already

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My last attempt was impulsive and driven by anger due to an episode of absolute despair.
I think anger can definitely be helpful for ctb because anger dispels fear and helps to diminish survival instinct.
Its understandable to feel the need to be left alone and isolate yourself.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[aeri]

Sorry you are going through this.
My last attempt was impulsive and driven by anger due to an episode of absolute despair.
I think anger can definitely be helpful for ctb because anger dispels fear and helps to diminish survival instinct.

for real!!! what an emotion anger is... i always feel like a different person when im angry. i kinda weirdly like

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

for real!!! what an emotion anger is... i always feel like a different person when im angry. i kinda weirdly like

True.
I'm normally a very peaceful person, yet I like the fact that anger can give you a certain feeling of freedom and invincibility.