am i valid?

[raikko]

hi ! 19 trans fem

im sorry if im typng odd because im drunk right now somewhat.. i dont drink a lot but im pretty light so i ge tdrunk easily i think!!

i can only seriously harm myself when i get drunk, as i've been trying to self harm for the longest time (since i was 16!!) But i could never get anywhere deep because i was too scared and when i got anywhere past cat scratches i'd hyperventilate and panic and stuff

now that i live by myself in college i can practice freely without hiding in the kitchen and i still dont think im serious at all. i cant get past cat scratches, and even then i can only sreiously cut myself under the influence of alcohol. normally i get itchy and it feels like its burning and i cant handleit but when im drunk it feels like nothing and i feel amazing hurting myself.


i feel horrible doing normal things and i can onl y feel good if i punish myself, since i cant.., cut,, i usually resort to fasting, but i also like eating a lot so i dont get very far.. so im not good at hurting myself at all, as much as i'd like to

i dont think i cna live to 20 but thats whta ive been telling myself for the past 5 years so nothing i think matters at all

i apologise for going on a tangent! id just like to ask, how do i go deeper, and should i worry about cutting on my wrist? i have a best friend who cuts and h er scars are very prominemt. im working in diplomacy with a government schoalrship and im also a un delegate sometimes, and my coutrny screens for psychological stuff so i dotn wanna be put into a blacklist for havigne wounds so if theres naywhere else i could cut ive would love it

IM REALLY SORRY FOR TAKING UP so much of yrour time im sorry!!

 

[hihi2027]

Hi, raikko

I don't think you should try to cut deeper. I've also tried self harming before but never really got that far. I could never cut deep enough for anyone to notice. I don't think you should start though! Imagine having to wear long sleeves all the time just to hide the scars. Thats what I has to do for a time and its not fun. Plus people will find out and youll have to go through the shame of coming up with excuses for your scars. its really terrible and i dont think you should go through with it. Im not judging you just trying to give some advice. Im sorry if what I said was not helpful or sounded judgement. I noticed that your thread didnt get attention so just know that someone sees and appreaciates your post :)

And for the record, you are valid

 

[ctb_warrior]

hi ! 19 trans fem

im sorry if im typng odd because im drunk right now somewhat.. i dont drink a lot but im pretty light so i ge tdrunk easily i think!!

i can only seriously harm myself when i get drunk, as i've been trying to self harm for the longest time (since i was 16!!) But i could never get anywhere deep because i was too scared and when i got anywhere past cat scratches i'd hyperventilate and panic and stuff

now that i live by myself in college i can practice freely without hiding in the kitchen and i still dont think im serious at all. i cant get past cat scratches, and even then i can only sreiously cut myself under the influence of alcohol. normally i get itchy and it feels like its burning and i cant handleit but when im drunk it feels like nothing and i feel amazing hurting myself.


i feel horrible doing normal things and i can onl y feel good if i punish myself, since i cant.., cut,, i usually resort to fasting, but i also like eating a lot so i dont get very far.. so im not good at hurting myself at all, as much as i'd like to

i dont think i cna live to 20 but thats whta ive been telling myself for the past 5 years so nothing i think matters at all

i apologise for going on a tangent! id just like to ask, how do i go deeper, and should i worry about cutting on my wrist? i have a best friend who cuts and h er scars are very prominemt. im working in diplomacy with a government schoalrship and im also a un delegate sometimes, and my coutrny screens for psychological stuff so i dotn wanna be put into a blacklist for havigne wounds so if theres naywhere else i could cut ive would love it

IM REALLY SORRY FOR TAKING UP so much of yrour time im sorry!!

Don't think too much for venting out openly. It takes courage to open up.
Don't make deep cuts as deep cuts would not help you ctb but only cause unnecessary medical issues. And they actually leave a scar.
So best to avoid it as much as you can

 

[EternallyCold]

You're valid no matter how deep your wounds are. Self-harm is self-harm no matter what. You're still hurting yourself and that's a really big problem. And I don't think you should go deeper. I know it might not feel "serious" enough right now or deep enough but even if you do go deeper it'll never feel enough, at least that's how it's like for me. Also, the risk of infections and hitting veins, arteries and nerves increases with depth which can cause serious permanent problems

 

[FluffIsJustice]

No need to worry about taking up time

Personally, I also don't recommend going deeper due to health issues - your issues are valid without taking that risk, the depth of those kinds of injuries don't act as proof for anything. By chance, do you cut on your arms? I do prefer some parts of the torso instead (even when going swimming, it can be covered with a tankini). Another place I often heard was doing it on the legs / tights instead of the arms.

 

[raikko]

No need to worry about taking up time

Personally, I also don't recommend going deeper due to health issues - your issues are valid without taking that risk, the depth of those kinds of injuries don't act as proof for anything. By chance, do you cut on your arms? I do prefer some parts of the torso instead (even when going swimming, it can be covered with a tankini). Another place I often heard was doing it on the legs / tights instead of the arms.

Thank you..

I do cut on my arms, specifically the wrist, but I haven't gotten past what should look like light scratches, I kind of hope people notice and take pity on me, but I also try to hide it in a way.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Since you said you work in diplomacy and they screen for psychological issues, do you have some sort of explanation / lie just in case someone asks you about it? And do you know what would happen if they found something in their screens (no problem if they provide you with therapy, but what if they decide you don't fulfill a necessary requirement)? (the thought behind these questions is to minimize possible negative consequences)

 

[raikko]

Since you said you work in diplomacy and they screen for psychological issues, do you have some sort of explanation / lie just in case someone asks you about it? And do you know what would happen if they found something in their screens (no problem if they provide you with therapy, but what if they decide you don't fulfill a necessary requirement)? (the thought behind these questions is to minimize possible negative consequences)

I'm not sure, I don't think I have a cover at all....
I'm just hoping they never notice because of my suit and because so far at least, all my scars are pretty light

I have psioriasis and eczema, so perhaps I could frame it as that? Excessive scratching? That doesn't explain why my other arm and the rest of my body doesn't have them though..

 

[cantthinkofusername]

cutting deeper is one of those things that feels like it helps but it doesnt .
it is never enough and it hurts and it hurts and the scars are horrible .
i think it is always best to do it somewhere where yoy can cover it up i regret not being able to wear short sleeves .

 

[SoLowHollow48]

hi ! 19 trans fem

im sorry if im typng odd because im drunk right now somewhat.. i dont drink a lot but im pretty light so i ge tdrunk easily i think!!

i can only seriously harm myself when i get drunk, as i've been trying to self harm for the longest time (since i was 16!!) But i could never get anywhere deep because i was too scared and when i got anywhere past cat scratches i'd hyperventilate and panic and stuff

now that i live by myself in college i can practice freely without hiding in the kitchen and i still dont think im serious at all. i cant get past cat scratches, and even then i can only sreiously cut myself under the influence of alcohol. normally i get itchy and it feels like its burning and i cant handleit but when im drunk it feels like nothing and i feel amazing hurting myself.


i feel horrible doing normal things and i can onl y feel good if i punish myself, since i cant.., cut,, i usually resort to fasting, but i also like eating a lot so i dont get very far.. so im not good at hurting myself at all, as much as i'd like to

i dont think i cna live to 20 but thats whta ive been telling myself for the past 5 years so nothing i think matters at all

i apologise for going on a tangent! id just like to ask, how do i go deeper, and should i worry about cutting on my wrist? i have a best friend who cuts and h er scars are very prominemt. im working in diplomacy with a government schoalrship and im also a un delegate sometimes, and my coutrny screens for psychological stuff so i dotn wanna be put into a blacklist for havigne wounds so if theres naywhere else i could cut ive would love it

IM REALLY SORRY FOR TAKING UP so much of yrour time im sorry!!

Totes valid. I never self-harm before so I can't say much. To me, harm is easy to find. Harm is identical with pain and physical pain, for me, is exercise and labor.

You seem to be hella smart with a bunch of accomplishments there. What about decorating your wall with cool medals now? I heard that ultra marathon runners can see crazy shit when they've hit a certain distance from all of the adrenaline and I've heard firsthand from my friend who ran that he practically spat out blood after a few miles.

I don't know. We're strangers but when I hear about what you've achieved, it pains me that someone as bright as you is cutting themselves and not seeing themselves alive past 20.

If pain is a distraction, then I hope you can find pain in other things instead of the edge of a knife. Like fights, ultra marathons, and falling from rollerblading.

Wish you the best of luck. Hope the delegation program works out well and everything flies in colors.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

What kind of excuse can be used if required depends on where exactly the scars are and how many of them there are - like, for example, if theyre more sparse on the back / outside of the arm (but closer to the hand than the shoulder) you can say they're cat scratches, if they are on the inside of the wrist close to the hand but not too clustered (the tv type typical location) you could say that while helping cleaning up after someone dropped their drink you slipped and fell on the shards (in this case, don't forget you 'tried to break your fall with your arm from hand to elbow, not just with the hand and that depending on how close together the scars are, the 'gathering the shards to throw them away' was almost done). If they are very clustered and a lot you can say that you've had a rash (not sure if this is the correct word) in that location that was really itchy recently and you didn't even notice that you scratched it so much (that one shouldn't be used too often, as always getting rashes in the same location is quite the coincidence) (also, those sorts of marks from scratching do tend to disappear relatively quickly).

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Thank you..

I do cut on my arms, specifically the wrist, but I haven't gotten past what should look like light scratches, I kind of hope people notice and take pity on me, but I also try to hide it in a way.

I guess I relate to the contradiction.

Regarding being valid... People say as a human all humans are valid (can do physical labour and comfort others with hugs)... However I seperate my life from my humanity/person (hence my username) to counter that argument as life is subjective and I choose if my life is valuable to me or not. If my life is valuable to me then I will be able to explain why. But if it isn't then my psychiatrist and psychologist can have fun explaining why my painful life is of any value to me. ("You have so much to live for"... Uh ... Really?... Then why haven't I attained any of it and made absolutely no progress to attaining it?)

 

[raikko]

Totes valid. I never self-harm before so I can't say much. To me, harm is easy to find. Harm is identical with pain and physical pain, for me, is exercise and labor.

You seem to be hella smart with a bunch of accomplishments there. What about decorating your wall with cool medals now? I heard that ultra marathon runners can see crazy shit when they've hit a certain distance from all of the adrenaline and I've heard firsthand from my friend who ran that he practically spat out blood after a few miles.

I don't know. We're strangers but when I hear about what you've achieved, it pains me that someone as bright as you is cutting themselves and not seeing themselves alive past 20.

If pain is a distraction, then I hope you can find pain in other things instead of the edge of a knife. Like fights, ultra marathons, and falling from rollerblading.

Wish you the best of luck. Hope the delegation program works out well and everything flies in colors.

It means a lot to me.. thank you so much!