Even though it's not a singular "f*ck up moment', I think just not having the confidence to raise my hand, ask questions, stick up for myself and not give into anxiety and insecurity would've made a big impact on how I grew up. Perhaps then I would've been more passionate, more cultured, and less ashamed. I grew up with no real hobbies, dreams, ambitions or anything. Since age 13, 17 years, I've just been consumed by dark thoughts, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. It's just the way I'm conditioned at this point.