My husband ctb in October. I can play the recordings I kept for legal reasons where I begged him to stay. I cried and screamed, begging him to stop and put his weapon down. I still flip my shit when I think about it. I still scream and cry when I remember he's not coming home. I know why he did it though, even if it never makes it easier. I want to join him soon and feel … complete again. I would never want to lose somebody I love, so it's only natural to fight for them.