Discussion What was that moment in your life that triggered everything to go downfall as it could lead you to CTB?

[meeks]

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[Hoping_for_miracle]

I have been depressive for a while now but the moment the switch truly flipped was when my brother told that the life I was living was essentially not a life at all, that I was basically dead to him already and if I was just going to kill myself slowly anyway then why not just kill yourself now.

I know he meant it all as an attempt to shock some sense into me and try to work towards a better life, but he doesn't seem to realize I have tried that for many years but just constantly failed at it. So if according to him my life isn't worth living, and improving it is beyond my capabilities, then the logical conclusion seems obvious.

 

[jbear824]

I realized at 7 years old that I didn't want to live anymore. My father sexually abused me, and my mother had been emotionally, physically and mentally abusive for 2 years at that point (just the start). After school one day, when I thought I was in a class alone I tried to strangle myself. Stupid, I know.

Ive been wanting to die ever since. More so recenetly because of what my life is about to become and because I want to avoid the inescapable suffering ahead of me if I live.

 

[leloyon]

No particular moment sticks out. I have been like this for as long as I can remember.
If you want to know when things were solidified, however, I have two. The first was when I was "nearly kidnapped" as a kid. It wasn't much, some guys in a van asked me if I wanted some money, I said no and ran off, nothing else came of it. However, I was told at an early age about pedophiles by my parents, and learned about them via the news. I didn't get the "don't talk to strangers" treatment, I knew more or less what would happen if I didn't watch myself. However, until that moment these were all just things that happened to other people. You may be aware that this could happen to you, but you still don't see it coming when someone tries it. Even though I got away, I got home unharmed and never saw those people again, it really put things into perspective. As a result, my already slightly existing paranoia over pedophiles increased tenfold. Now it wasn't just a "be careful or this might happen!", this was a concrete threat. I wonder, if that hadn't happened, maybe the symptoms of mental illness that were already around would have been much more mild and could have been treated. Maybe this was the beginning of the end, the start of my journey towards being unfixable.
The other was when I was arrested. That eliminated all possible hope of me having any future worth living for, as well as the beginning of an incredibly traumatic experience with the police that lasted three whole years of my life. If it wasn't already, then that certainly sealed my fate.

 

[SMK1444]

My best friend killing himself by gun. In front of me.

 

[anxious_depressive]

When my dear grandmother died (I was 9 years old) I realized that my happy childhood was over.

Since then, a lot of bad things have happened that have ruined my physical and mental health.

 

[jemetire]

School bullying stress etc

 

[fedupwithlife]

I really endured everything like abusive family, bullism,extreme poverty,loneliness

But when i realized i can't stay with the person i love only because of all trauma i had, i realized how much fucked up is this world, literally stealed my girl away from me only because they have normal life and no trauma how unfair?, also each other family did everything to make us didn't fall in love

Some people are just not worth it man

 

[Forever Sleep]

Lots of bereavement and growing up with a (suspected) narcissist.

 

[Gaga786]

My mother felt pity for a fellow teacher's son, and would send me to school with him. She was the one who introduced that boy in my life and he started this snowball effect of bullying and abuse. Others followed and eventually I was tormented until I had to withdraw. He also sexually assaulted me, so I blame my mother for starting this. Thats how my life started to go wrong

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

I got away from my abusive family and scraped my way out of poverty, but nothing got better. I'm still miserable. I still have the nightmares. I'm still too fucked up to be loved.

I think once I truly had exhausted every resource, I accepted that I'd be better off at peace than constantly struggling for something. I'm not sad about it. It's actually liberating to know there's an end to this.

 

[Alltheywanted]

It all started when my mother told me she didn't want such a son. I was around 10 years old and i was very attached to her back then. Now I doubt if she even remembers it.

 

[GM28]

My wife abused me and destroyed my self worth as a man. I stayed and felt unlovable and anxious. I eventually left years later. Met someone I fell in love with. My wife shafted me over kids at end. I collapsed as it all seemed pointless and done something stupid and lost new love. Nothing against her in any way or against someone else or with another woman or that crap, but lost her due to it. There's no coming back and what seemed like a happy ending is now hell. No happy ever after, darkness and will be forever alone. That's when I knew I had to go, no point.

 

[KxSleepy]

After a huge psychotic break in middle school only to realize I have schizophrenia. All the trauma and horrendous things I saw only equate to "it was all in my head. My brain is the most fucked up place to be and to realize I was just born with it, without a cure. Can't hold a job, without a job I can't afford insurance, without insurance I can't afford therapy or meds.

Again, the fact the things I saw can't be considered "real" fucks with me in such a angering way.

 

[Kasumi]

Probably my birth?
The things I was born with (idk whether to call it genetics or if its something else, like about my mentality that just made me so different from other people around me) and the family I got born into.

For many years thing's were mostly in the area of "normal", but the little things that weren't started to get more and more.
The things I was born with and my family caused an increasing lot of different aspects of my life to go wrong, and those in turn were all "those little things" that eventually made up all of the world around me.

So no singular event happened during my life that in and itself marked a turning point, but it just got worse and worse, I got more and more depressed and scared and some other weird things I can't describe.
Not that I knew or understood when things got worse (I was always told the "you don't even know how good you have it" thing), I thought this was just normal.
Took until I stopped ...doing anything I did before, for me to realise that it probably wasn't how life normally is.
After all normally people don't stop going to uni, stop going outside in general, stop talking to people, stop having things they want to do,.. I suppose.

And since the past 5 or so years thing's didn't get better, I'm already trying everything I can to, my therapist is trying to tell me about self care and doing things that make me feel more comfortable, as if I'm not doing that already,.. that's how I barely managed to hang on for the past years.
But I don't know for how long I can do this anymore and how much of this is it even worth?
I don't want to suffer for idk how many years just waiting for a miracle to happen, even if it were to happen, at this point it's not even worth it for me anymore.

 

[(¥)]

beiing botn into world.....not mesbnt to be hrre at all.....nk onr wanted tlme to be born.....probkkems fromb irth to now.....

 

[fedupwithlife]

I realized at 7 years old that I didn't want to live anymore. My father sexually abused me, and my mother had been emotionally, physically and mentally abusive for 2 years at that point (just the start). After school one day, when I thought I was in a class alone I tried to strangle myself. Stupid, I know.

Ive been wanting to die ever since. More so recenetly because of what my life is about to become and because I want to avoid the inescapable suffering ahead of me if I live.

Do you mind explaining the what my life is about to come part

 

[JustHereforNow]

I got (sort of) molested by my doctor when i was younger, i dont even think it was intentional, but i remember getting touched inappropriately a lot for a couple minutes without any warning, and its fucked me up pretty badly, needless to say i have a hard time with doctors now.

 

[Glandular]

The moment I was diagnosed with a eventually torturous incurable disease. It took me a while to really accept it, but deep down I immediately knew that I need to kill myself when it gets too bad.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

for as long as ive known of the existence of death i wanted to die i think
my mom remembers me at 5 or 6 telling her i didnt want to be alive anymore
it's always been like that

 

[FindingHome]

The year 2020 was the beginning of the end for me. So many things happened and so much was revealed to me.

 

[irie]

i've had many awful things happen so i can't really pinpoint an exact moment, but extensively battling multiple mental illnesses and being in a bad household/living situation solidified things for me