Discussion Things that you thought were normal as a kid?

[d-tea]

What are some things about your home life that you later realised weren't normal?

I haven't had a bad upbringing, it was okay, although there are a couple of things I've only realised and still come to realise as an adult that are not quite normal. So I'll start:
- smoking in the house, car, with kids present
- no ability to lock your room or even the bathroom
- no trash bin in the bathroom (random, but how do female guests feel?)
- no guests apart from family
- having to report days in advance when I wanted to invite someone or they couldn't come
- ash tray in the dishwasher with everything we eat from
- not eating together
- being left alone in the house for a couple of hours at a time in grade school
- not talking to each other about our day or even stuff that is important, no serious discussions or setting of boundaries possible, only one sided "demands", where you had to sit still and listen and were not allowed to give input, or you were "arguing" (even as an adult)
- having to accept being screamed at and not being allowed to have feelings as a child and teenager (if I said something when I was mad or if I started crying, I'd be forced into my room or it would get physical)
- not being allowed to cry (In kindergarten and grade school, I would start crying angry tears when I felt unfairly treated, also hyperventilating which I could not stop, which would make my parents get even more mad and they'd accuse me of "pretending")
- having your door taken off when you misbehaved
- not being allowed to talk about family life and parents completely changing their behavior and attitude in front of other people
- physical touch apart from rough play was a no go in the family after grade school, no hugs, no kisses (I think I saw my parents kiss or hold hands like 5 times in my entire life, mainly in front of other people)
- no talking about money, even as an adult
- no habit or circumstance at home could be complained about, no matter how much it bothered me (if I tried to talk about it I would be made fun of and taunted about it for years to come)

I'm sure there's more but that's what I can think of, off the top of my head. If you find something you relate to, I hope it makes you feel better that you aren't alone or it helps you realize that something you experienced isn't actually normal.

 

[Macedonian1987]

What are some things about your home life that you later realised weren't normal?

I haven't had a bad upbringing, it was okay, although there are a couple of things I've only realised and still come to realise as an adult that are not quite normal. So I'll start:
- smoking in the house, car, with kids present
- no ability to lock your room or even the bathroom
- no trash bin in the bathroom (random, but how do female guests feel?)
- no guests apart from family
- having to report days in advance when I wanted to invite someone or they couldn't come
- ash tray in the dishwasher with everything we eat from
- not eating together
- being left alone in the house for a couple of hours at a time in grade school
- not talking to each other about our day or even stuff that is important, no serious discussions or setting of boundaries possible, only one sided "demands", where you had to sit still and listen and were not allowed to give input, or you were "arguing" (even as an adult)
- having to accept being screamed at and not being allowed to have feelings as a child and teenager (if I said something when I was mad or if I started crying, I'd be forced into my room or it would get physical)
- not being allowed to cry (In kindergarten and grade school, I would start crying angry tears when I felt unfairly treated, also hyperventilating which I could not stop, which would make my parents get even more mad and they'd accuse me of "pretending")
- having your door taken off when you misbehaved
- not being allowed to talk about family life and parents completely changing their behavior and attitude in front of other people
- physical touch apart from rough play was a no go in the family after grade school, no hugs, no kisses (I think I saw my parents kiss or hold hands like 5 times in my entire life, mainly in front of other people)
- no talking about money, even as an adult
- no habit or circumstance at home could be complained about, no matter how much it bothered me (if I tried to talk about it I would be made fun of and taunted about it for years to come)

I'm sure there's more but that's what I can think of, off the top of my head. If you find something you relate to, I hope it makes you feel better that you aren't alone or it helps you realize that something you experienced isn't actually normal.

Reading what you lived through makes my heart ache for the child and young adult who had to navigate such a cold, terrifying, and deeply unsafe environment all alone. What you experienced was not your fault, and it was absolutely a severe, systemic form of abuse and neglect, not just strict parenting or a bad dynamic. Please give yourself immense credit for surviving that level of control, and know that you deserved unconditional love, safety, gentleness, and a home where your voice and tears were honored.

I don't you, but I'm sending you a big warm virtual hug.

 

[endlesschatter]

What are some things about your home life that you later realised weren't normal?

I haven't had a bad upbringing, it was okay, although there are a couple of things I've only realised and still come to realise as an adult that are not quite normal. So I'll start:
- smoking in the house, car, with kids present
- no ability to lock your room or even the bathroom
- no trash bin in the bathroom (random, but how do female guests feel?)
- no guests apart from family
- having to report days in advance when I wanted to invite someone or they couldn't come
- ash tray in the dishwasher with everything we eat from
- not eating together
- being left alone in the house for a couple of hours at a time in grade school
- not talking to each other about our day or even stuff that is important, no serious discussions or setting of boundaries possible, only one sided "demands", where you had to sit still and listen and were not allowed to give input, or you were "arguing" (even as an adult)
- having to accept being screamed at and not being allowed to have feelings as a child and teenager (if I said something when I was mad or if I started crying, I'd be forced into my room or it would get physical)
- not being allowed to cry (In kindergarten and grade school, I would start crying angry tears when I felt unfairly treated, also hyperventilating which I could not stop, which would make my parents get even more mad and they'd accuse me of "pretending")
- having your door taken off when you misbehaved
- not being allowed to talk about family life and parents completely changing their behavior and attitude in front of other people
- physical touch apart from rough play was a no go in the family after grade school, no hugs, no kisses (I think I saw my parents kiss or hold hands like 5 times in my entire life, mainly in front of other people)
- no talking about money, even as an adult
- no habit or circumstance at home could be complained about, no matter how much it bothered me (if I tried to talk about it I would be made fun of and taunted about it for years to come)

I'm sure there's more but that's what I can think of, off the top of my head. If you find something you relate to, I hope it makes you feel better that you aren't alone or it helps you realize that something you experienced isn't actually normal.

Aww I'm so sorry that you've had to go through these. I hope life is kinder to you now.
We are with you dear.
I'm from 3rd world country, i.e. India, so Indian society is quite stringent.
It doesn't allows freedom. It doesn't Even let boys and girls marry someone of their choosing.

 

[dissociatedmess]

My memory's buggy but there's definitely a few.

• Being grounded meant being shut in your room from anywhere between hours and days (ages 5-10)
• Not being allowed to get my license (mom was too tired to deal with it)
• Not being allowed to have a job (because I didn't have a license and they'd have to drive me)
• Drunk driving both by itself and with kids in the car.
• Drinking multiple drinks, a bottle of wine or two every single day.
• Casually cutting off family members, isolating from family
• Homeschooling/Unschooling - a weird one to put on here, but it's because my family did it because my sister and I were having emotional problems and did everything except get us help. No therapy, no doctors, just pulled us out of school. Eventually I was "unschooled" which meant I was being taught nothing essentially because my mother had given up and didn't want to deal with it anymore. I used to think I had so much freedom but in hindsight it was educational neglect/abuse
• Wanting your kids to not attend any college
• Having a dad who screams, calls names, and threatens physical abuse or homicide
• Being mocked and made fun of for being suicidal, rolling eyes eyes, laughs, sneers, etc.
• Being met with nothing but total anger for the self injury
• Reckless driving both by itself and with kids/wife in the car, again homicidal threats
• Also watching horror movies and raunchy movies from a young age? My favourite movie at 5-6 years old was Stephen King's IT. And we were always watching things like the Shining, the Sixth Sense, Scream, Scary Movie, etc just really not age appropriate things, but my sister and I were little horror fanatics.
• Being spanked or punished for having emotions/crying

 

[cowlover1252]

Door stayed wide open
not able to stand without getting intentionally pushed or bumped into
Not getting my possesions stolen or destroyed
Watching my father beat up my mother, destroy doors, holes in wall, smashing lights and bottles on a regular basis.
Flies swarming throughout the whole house and maggots in the kitchen and living room
Big long lines of ants all throughout the kitchen and going for the cat food/water
Litter boxes that never got scooped. Cat puke on the floor. Cat pee smell.
Rotting food and 5 foot tall piles of trash throughout the house. Some rooms ankle deep in trash.
Cameras/some motion cameras in the house and outside and being stalked on life360
Regularly searching and digging through my belongings
Screaming at me and pulling me out of my bed onto the floor by my ankles every single morning for school as a kid.
father Hiding or holding onto dishes/silverware and constantly scolding for me "throwing" away all his dishes. Hiding/ taking/making a mess/destroying things in general to blame others for fun and being believed by my mother was common
Making an even bigger mess in the kitchen then blaming it on me
Punching/choking/slapping etc, then convnce people im lying
Yelling/screaming then saying he's not when I ask him to stop and I don't understand what I did
Throwing/breaking things at me then blaming me for breaking it
My whole body being covered in bug bites.
Bruises, cuts, scratches
No friends
Not being allowed to do pretty much anything
Lying to CPS about my family being normal, having to put on clothes that hid the marks on my body, and listening in from the other room to hear what they're saying so I could stick to the story
Being in a school where kids go when their behavior is so bad there is no where else to go. There were only about 100 students. They did unspeakable things to us and the only time they EVER taught us anything was when there was someone in there observing. The "teachers" threatened us severely if we didnt go along with the planned out lesson and rewarded us with chips and candy for behaving during it. The school is still open but hopefully not the same.... I could go on forever on what they did to us. They humiliated us in front of everyone. They even stole my shoes and everything I had and had everyone choose what they wanted. One of the older class rooms had almost entirely black students. I was in 2nd grade they were high schoolers, this was an all age school. They lied to all of them how I am racist and tell them all the things they claim I said. They left me in that class for the whole day, I got beat up, spit on, and the teachers let it happen. They commonly made us fight even giving prizes to winner, they did explicit things to us and forcing us to do them to each other that I don't think i can even say on here, locking us in cold dark closet sized rooms with bugs, taking all our clothes, and sometimes leaving us in there for the whole day. Even banging on the door or going in to scare or hurt us. I could give an unbelievable amount of information of the hell that was happening in that place. If you were bad, you got no food, they'd even force feed us gross things. You werent allowed to bring outside food or any belongings in or out, they checked your pockets and shoes everyday. I couldn't even convince my parents that they insulted and called us names. I asked my mother to fix my necklace because it broken. She asked how it happened. I told her the teacher grabbed me by it and choked me by the necklace until it broke, slapping me in the face, while calling me swears. She didnt believe me. The school provided daily reports for students that give to parents where they detail behavior throughout the day and it was all lies they just wrote down a bunch of half-truth bs to make us look bad. Yeah we're not gonna be star students when we're getting abused 6h a day. I got to that school because I was bullied in public school, starting in kingergarten actually, all I wanted was to keep to myself and actually enjoyed doing work, but the other students in every grade and school made me act out. My parents never taught me to handle emotions and used violence and anger as a solution for everything, so I did bad things and hated myself for it, and got sent to a bad school. There is so much more to add to this list both from home and at school but if you asked my parents I am loved. I had a great childhood. I am lucky. I should be grateful. I dream every single night of home and school. I still live at my parents house and it is disgusting, hateful, stressful, but they are not as bad as they used to be. I will still feel horribly guilty for ctb... I hate to give them any blame for bringing to the point of wanting to end it, but I think they had at least some responsibility in it. What I detailed here is mild of what I truly happened as a kid, especially the school... it would sound like a horror movie

My life at home is significantly better now. It's still disgusting, loud, moderate amount of flies, constant verbal fights, but I am desensitized. I wonder how much of my will to CTB is attributed to my parents. How much is the school. How much is from circumstances that were a result of either. How much of this is unrelated and simply the will not to live for a multitude of reasons, because there are others

 

[Forveleth]

• Bottling emotions is how to deal with them
• Working 60 hours/week and taking out resulting stress on family
• Related, work always has the highest priority and if you do not have time for fun/relaxation/self-care too bad
• Attending funerals for relatives on a yearly basis
• Unquestioning obedience to all adults
• Making any noise while anyone is sleeping is absolutely unacceptable

 

[valar_morghulis21]

What are some things about your home life that you later realised weren't normal?

I haven't had a bad upbringing, it was okay, although there are a couple of things I've only realised and still come to realise as an adult that are not quite normal. So I'll start:
- smoking in the house, car, with kids present
- no ability to lock your room or even the bathroom
- no trash bin in the bathroom (random, but how do female guests feel?)
- no guests apart from family
- having to report days in advance when I wanted to invite someone or they couldn't come
- ash tray in the dishwasher with everything we eat from
- not eating together
- being left alone in the house for a couple of hours at a time in grade school
- not talking to each other about our day or even stuff that is important, no serious discussions or setting of boundaries possible, only one sided "demands", where you had to sit still and listen and were not allowed to give input, or you were "arguing" (even as an adult)
- having to accept being screamed at and not being allowed to have feelings as a child and teenager (if I said something when I was mad or if I started crying, I'd be forced into my room or it would get physical)
- not being allowed to cry (In kindergarten and grade school, I would start crying angry tears when I felt unfairly treated, also hyperventilating which I could not stop, which would make my parents get even more mad and they'd accuse me of "pretending")
- having your door taken off when you misbehaved
- not being allowed to talk about family life and parents completely changing their behavior and attitude in front of other people
- physical touch apart from rough play was a no go in the family after grade school, no hugs, no kisses (I think I saw my parents kiss or hold hands like 5 times in my entire life, mainly in front of other people)
- no talking about money, even as an adult
- no habit or circumstance at home could be complained about, no matter how much it bothered me (if I tried to talk about it I would be made fun of and taunted about it for years to come)

I'm sure there's more but that's what I can think of, off the top of my head. If you find something you relate to, I hope it makes you feel better that you aren't alone or it helps you realize that something you experienced isn't actually normal.

Having constant existential crisis and dread LOL. Turn out not every 5 years old wanting to forever disappear like me