Thought uni would be a fresh start, turns out im still a failure.

[Kman8777]

I started thinking of suicide when i was in year 11 at school. My trials were coming up and I felt completely defeated by my previous exams that year. I had started cutting myself almost every night to try and regain a sense of control over my life, but it was futile. Life really sucked. I had no one I could talk to about how I felt, my parents were down my throat constantly, my father especially was incredibly hostile towards me, regularly degrading me and threatening me with violence. My brother had left home at that point as well so I was taking the brunt of it. Sport, which had always been a place where I could forget about my issues, quickly devolved into me rubbing mud and using a pen to hide my self harm cuts. It made me really paranoid that people knew I was self-harming and it completely ruined that previous safe space. I was depressed, alone and suicidal. In year 12 it got even worse. A failed exam worth a significant portion of my internal grade made me deeply consider ending myself that night. I tried to hang myself, but I failed. After i had finished my HSC, I felt completely empty, no joy or relief just an emotionless void inside me. It was odd, I had always thought it'd be the happiest day of my life, finally escaping high school. About a week after my HSC, my best friend of 6 years had sex with my girlfriend. I ended my relationship with both of them. This was only compounded by the fact that I thought I wasn't going to make it into the uni i wanted to. So for my entire summer break i just rotted in bed, trying to stop my brain from thinking about my upcoming results. My self harm continued, throughout this time, but it really peaked before HSC, afterwards it died down a bit. Fortunately i got into the uni I wanted and for the first time in 2 years I had a sense of hope about my future, that maybe I could have a fresh start away from the psychological war zone that was high school. Now, i just finished term 2 of university and i've realised nothing has changed, it is the exact same as high school, the social life is abysmal, and the only thing that anyone cares about is there wam. I just received my results from term 2 and I got another subpar mark, and im really wishing that my life could end right now. The facade that i placed around uni of it being a fresh start, a new amazing experience is shattering around me, and I can feel that darkness from high school creeping back in. I don't want to experience that again. Maybe death is the ultimate mercy you can give to yourself, the only true escape from pain. I'm not sure if i'm going to end it here, but I'm really thinking about it.

 

[Shoreline]

I feel the same way, honestly. I felt a little better for a while, but I think I'm supposed to end my life rather than go to uni. I don't know how to make friends there.

 

[x9x99988]

relatable. i don't even have friends in real life

 

[aaAAAaaa32]

if

I feel the same way, honestly. I felt a little better for a while, but I think I'm supposed to end my life rather than go to uni. I don't know how to make friends there.

if its any consolation, as i failed uni now, I did have some people coming up to me and really being devastated and sad about it (probably more than me). I was an isolated person who talked to a few people in the first sem and made barely an social contacts, then complealty shut down for a year straight. Yet I've had some people afterall who wanted me there. I think Uni is probably one of the easier places to find friends or social contacts because the people there are often likeminded and share the same interests!
A lot of connection already comes from the students relating to one another because of studying and stress