Well it's not relevant now since I'm set on CTB with SN in a month or two. But I remember my first "attempt" was going on a walk and disappearing. Note, I had not discovered this website yet so I wasn't too knowledgeable on methods. Yes, I was planning on slowly disintegrating (dying from dehydration or starving, or someone thinks I'm vulnerable and kills me) away as excruciating as that sounds. I could have done it. I was set on doing it that night. I was done with life, at least I thought.
So I told my mother I was going on a walk and that I loved her (she was also leaving the house at this moment), and walked without anything on me besides clothes and shoes. No phone or wallet. I wouldn't want anyone to triangulate my location. So I just continuously walked for 5 hours straight. No stopping. I had a lot of time to reflect. But then I noticed it was getting quite dark and I really looked at the situation at hand. My parents had probably filed a missing persons report, and if I wasn't back soon, they would search through my devices. And I didn't want them pestering my friends or nosing into my personal information, even though nothing would be on there regarding my whereabouts. I just didn't like the idea of that.
That and I realized how much pain my absence would cause. If I just disappear, my family wouldnt be sure of my fate or if it was what I wanted. I want them to have closure at least when I CTB. So that's when I decided to head back.
Given my various musculoskeletal problems, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it by the late morning. It was hard to walk; I wasn't exhausted but I was in pretty good pain. My legs felt numb. My feet (flat-footed) and calves were becoming increasingly more painful. I haven't done exercise like that in awhile either. I was thinking about resting on a bench or something then continue making my way back. I quite literally was getting to the point I couldn't walk, that's how much pain there was. But I realized that my devices may be searched if I'm not back in time and I would cause greater trauma to my loved ones. More importantly, the excuse I had for being gone would have not worked if I was gone longer than I was and I could have been under greater scrutiny of my mental health (psych ward). So I trekked on. And for what felt like eternity, I made it back home and rang the door bell. I don't know how the hell I did that. It was one of most impressing things I ever did in my life given my physical conditions. Gone for a 10 hour walk lol.
But yeah at that point, I was like "I should totally research methods". After that whole circus. Now I don't have any barrier, and I can go out the way I want.
