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voyager

voyager

Don't you dare go hollow...
Nov 25, 2019
965
Because I feel dead already. Decades of mental and physical deterioration have taken it's toll. Have lost who I am and what made life worth living. Feel little joy or desires and can't make the changes I want. The thought of another thirty years of this absolutely terrifies me, not least because it might end up out of my hands.
and yet you are alive
So am I, but to me that's not fear of death. What's keeping me here is responsibility, unfinished business, and more than that not being able to access my ideal methods, not being comfortable with the ones I have, and consequently scared of failing and being worse off. Think that's a common theme for many, but for how long and at what price?
 
E

Endeavour

Mage
Dec 13, 2020
566
Because I feel dead already. Decades of mental and physical deterioration have taken it's toll. Have lost who I am and what made life worth living. Feel little joy or desires and can't make the changes I want. The thought of another thirty years of this absolutely terrifies me, not least because it might end up out of my hands.

So am I, but to me that's not fear of death. What's keeping me here is responsibility, unfinished business, and more than that not being able to access my ideal methods, not being comfortable with the ones I have, and consequently scared of failing and being worse off. Think that's a common theme for many, but for how long and at what price?
SN is absolutely not my preferred choice, but I don't want to fail I want it to be certain and so this is the method I've chosen. If I could do inert gas I might prefer that, or CO, but I think CO is not certain and inert gas is too complicated. N would be great but is too expensive and difficult to get hold of.

There aren't many options for quick and painless that are easy to organise unfortunately, have to go with what's available.
 
HopelessBorderline

HopelessBorderline

Alive but not living
Oct 29, 2020
35
The nothingness.
Researching about space and the universe couldn't make me feel more insignificant if it tried. No idea wtf we exist for.
My two attempts were like being under anesthesia, no awareness of anything.

SinisterKid had a better version he said he was floating in nothingness.
I've nearly died before (not by choice). It was the most relaxed I'd ever felt. "Going towards the light" is kind of accurate. It's "something" that draws you towards it. My inner voice kept saying pull back, open your eyes. SI took over.
 
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E

Endeavour

Mage
Dec 13, 2020
566
The nothingness.
Researching about space and the universe couldn't make me feel more insignificant if it tried. No idea wtf we exist for.

I've nearly died before (not by choice). It was the most relaxed I'd ever felt. "Going towards the light" is kind of accurate. It's "something" that draws you towards it. My inner voice kept saying pull back, open your eyes. SI took over.
I once nearly died I was terrified and freezing cold, then suddenly I thought I'm dying and became super relaxed and felt warm and cozy, in like an instant.

Weird I was totally resigned to it and ready for it, it was very peaceful and I was totally calm.

(was drowning).
 
voyager

voyager

Don't you dare go hollow...
Nov 25, 2019
965
SN is absolutely not my preferred choice, but I don't want to fail I want it to be certain and so this is the method I've chosen. If I could do inert gas I might prefer that, or CO, but I think CO is not certain and inert gas is too complicated. N would be great but is too expensive and difficult to get hold of.

There aren't many options for quick and painless that are easy to organise unfortunately, have to go with what's available.
Yeah, SN wasn't mine either but it seems decent enough. I keep going back and forth if I should go with what's available or, considering one might just have one shot, try to obtain the perfect means and circumstances. Probably overthinking this but might make all the difference. Btw, drowned too once. Was too little to remember any of it but two years ago also thought I was a gonna die and likewise felt a sense of peace.
 
Amumu

Amumu

Ctb - temporary solution for a permanent problem
Aug 29, 2020
2,626
Well I acknowledge I have very very little SI.
I'm a little bit afraid of pain, but that's it.
Idk maybe that's because I am often more rational than emotional
 
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I’vehadenough

I’vehadenough

Elementalist
Sep 15, 2018
847
"What makes you not fear death?"

I survived my first attempt via heroin overdose, and let me tell you, once you reach uncosciousness it's literally like falling into a void of nothingness. This only reinforced what i actually believed: there is nothing after death. Just darkness and silence.
Also the fact that if i don't CTB now there are about 50 more years of suffering and misery waiting for me.
Did it feel better to be in nothingness than to be alive?
 
NoneMoreNegative

NoneMoreNegative

Member
Aug 27, 2020
65
Did it feel better to be in nothingness than to be alive?
The point is that you don't exactly "feel" anything when you're unconscious. You don't even think about thinking because there is no you, so to speak.
Try to imagine what there was before the day you were born: that's unconsciousness.
But if i had to answer your question directly then yes, it felt better to be in nothingness. My illnesses couldn't bother me there.
 
iDieUDie80

iDieUDie80

Arcanist
Jul 6, 2020
403
I find these responses interesting. I don't fear the process, I actually find some comfort in my method, hanging, but fear actual death. Sure it happens eventually, but because I can't understand nonexistence, I'm very afraid of it. Once you reach it there's no coming back.
 
Marchioness

Marchioness

Eternal sleep
Feb 17, 2020
296
I think I'm more afraid of old age. The parts where people forget about you, the way your body breaks down and you feel helpless or like a burden. The idea of being a vegetable or getting dementia. Seems like a better alternative to off yourself while you still have the mental capacity to choose it .
 
Adamsnolife

Adamsnolife

Specialist
May 5, 2020
390
What do I not fear about death is the endless sleep that comes after successfully ctb
 
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I’vehadenough

I’vehadenough

Elementalist
Sep 15, 2018
847
The point is that you don't exactly "feel" anything when you're unconscious. You don't even think about thinking because there is no you, so to speak.
Try to imagine what there was before the day you were born: that's unconsciousness.
But if i had to answer your question directly then yes, it felt better to be in nothingness. My illnesses couldn't bother me there.
Yeah that's what I meant. I'm sure
The point is that you don't exactly "feel" anything when you're unconscious. You don't even think about thinking because there is no you, so to speak.
Try to imagine what there was before the day you were born: that's unconsciousness.
But if i had to answer your question directly then yes, it felt better to be in nothingness. My illnesses couldn't bother me there.
Yeah that's what I meant. Better than suffering
 
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Unlucky Self

Unlucky Self

Possibly Cursed
Mar 14, 2020
29
Flirting with it for years until I robbed it from all meaning. Habituation is key!
 
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pthnrdnojvsc

pthnrdnojvsc

Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
Aug 12, 2019
1,775
Flirting with it for years until I robbed it from all meaning. Habituation is key!
You proved what i say that all our beliefs are learned . the fear of death is learned. That's why you could unlearn it or learn not to fear it , yes habituation, repetition is the master of habits. And it's not just learned most of our beliefs are programmed into us and most of those don't help us hence why many of us don't know how to live well or learn the rules of life. i already unlearned some destructive beliefs just by reprogramming my subconsoius mind.
 
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