What is your motivation for recovery?

[StarsAbove]

I am wondering what everyone's motivation for recovery is, not reasons for living etc. (Family, friends, significant other). Im talking about what your own internal motivation is for yourself. Maybe you all can help me do some deeper digging within to figure myself out a little more

 

[Cloud4youu]

Initially for me, it was when I was about to make an attempt, the guilt that I'd be taking such a drastic measure without even trying to get better. Now, it's because I can see that there's stuff I like about life, even if I hate myself. Like I like certain drinks, or I like smelling candles, or I like eating certain foods. I'm just hoping that I recover because I want to be happy and enjoy things that I really do like being able to experience.

 

[NZkiwi]

I am wondering what everyone's motivation for recovery is, not reasons for living etc. (Family, friends, significant other). Im talking about what your own internal motivation is for yourself. Maybe you all can help me do some deeper digging within to figure myself out a little more

i kind of have given up completly and have let go and just going through the motions
i do as doctors tell me
i soeak my mind
i losten to my friends.
i say no to when i feel uncomfortable
and just ride the wave


for me recovery and killingmyself both seem reasonable
no alarm bells

my psychiatrist said she understands why i want to kill myself, but doesnt agree (after a 2.5 hour assessment)

im gonna see a public clinical psycholigst next week (do you know how fucked up you have to be in nz to be seen clinical psychologist

will keep you uodated

 

[astaroth81]

There isn't much. I have no family legacy to carry on, won't be having kids or getting married. The realization that I'm literally all alone in this world is a major downer and causes me to feel out of place here.

Motivation is not wanting to end up homeless or have to ctb because I really don't want to but strongly feel that it is the inevitable outcome I'm facing.

I do still like many aspects of life and the world and believe I could still be relatively content if I can just break free from the loop I'm stuck in before it's too late.

 

[StarryEyed]

Well I've given up on living for myself more and more through the years, with more focus on living for others. I like those little things like @Cloud4youu have mentioned and lots of them, but they're not enough to keep me alive anymore. So I'm living in hope of building three community projects. One project is up-cycling jewellery for charity, the other is preparing people for emergencies (with a special focus on people with mental and physical disabilities), and the other is working with community supports for children experiencing trauma and adults with past childhood trauma.

A lot of people give up their life for a cause and thrive in doing so. A few months ago I started reading books and have been watching movies and documentaries for inspiration. I still struggle with suicidal thinking a lot a lot a lot. But I woke up again today.

 

[StarsAbove]

i kind of have given up completly and have let go and just going through the motions
i do as doctors tell me
i soeak my mind
i losten to my friends.
i say no to when i feel uncomfortable
and just ride the wave


for me recovery and killingmyself both seem reasonable
no alarm bells

my psychiatrist said she understands why i want to kill myself, but doesnt agree (after a 2.5 hour assessment)

im gonna see a public clinical psycholigst next week (do you know how fucked up you have to be in nz to be seen clinical psychologist

will keep you uodated

Does it feel better to just go with the flow and not try to grasp onto any reason too hard? For me personally, I feel like if I dont have a reason within myself recovery will not be sustainable. I will be floating along, existing but not living

 

[tomame]

to give my family a stability and unconditional love they haven't had

 

[LRkin]

It's either recovery, or death. And we'll all die eventually, so might as well give myself one last chance.

 

[NZkiwi]

Does it feel better to just go with the flow and not try to grasp onto any reason too hard?

yeah pretty much i feel like im just flosting through lofe these days

 

[StarsAbove]

It's either recovery, or death. And we'll all die eventually, so might as well give myself one last chance.

That is indeed true. Just out of curiosity, are you doing anything in particular to recover or anything different than you tried in the past thos go around? I feel like that may be whst I need to try but not sure what that is
Wel

yeah pretty much i feel like im just flosting through lofe these days

Well then I hope floating gives way to flying. Maybe you have to float before you can fly?

 

[LRkin]

are you doing anything in particular to recover or anything different than you tried in the past thos go around?

I keep myself malnourished and tired

 

[StarsAbove]

I keep myself malnourished and tired

Lol. I hope that was just self deprecating humor

 

[LRkin]

Lol. I hope that was just self deprecating humor

Nope. Unfortunately it isn't. It's just how it is. Maybe if I suffer a little bit more, I'll stop being a pile of shit and become a better person worthy of some affection. Who knows.

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

I am wondering what everyone's motivation for recovery is, not reasons for living etc. (Family, friends, significant other). Im talking about what your own internal motivation is for yourself. Maybe you all can help me do some deeper digging within to figure myself out a little more

feeling better

 

[StarryEyed]

I love this because that's what I'm doing too. I figure it's counterproductive to take care of myself if I want to die. So I eat what I want, don't exercise, sleep when I want and do whatever I want. I figure I might as well enjoy myself. My whole life I've been trying to live perfectly healthy while I was suicidal. The war is over. I mean I don't live recklessly, but not healthy either. It's a compromise between suicide and living.

I keep myself malnourished and tired

 

[LRkin]

So I eat what I want, don't exercise, sleep when I want and do whatever I want.

Well, it's close but a bit on the other side of the spectrum. I eat very little (just to keep myself awake during the day), walk and ride a bike to deplete myself.

But it strikes home, yes. The war is over and it is a compromise between suicide and living.

 

[StarryEyed]

Well, it's close but a bit on the other side of the spectrum. I eat very little (just to keep myself awake during the day), walk and ride a bike to deplete myself.

But it strikes home, yes. The war is over and it is a compromise between suicide and living.

Oh I love walking. But I can't walk anymore as of 3-1/2 years because of nerve damage in my feet. So I was exercising at home, but I figured it didn't make sense since I've given up anyway. So as of a few months ago, I don't even exercise at home now. I do about one or two hours of volunteering a day on the projects I mentioned above, and the rest of the time just try to pass the time, knowing every second passed is a second closer to the finish line.


I finally feel like my SI part and suicidal part are almost working together. It's becoming peaceful to let go of the war. The battles have been tortuous. They are now just typically heated arguments.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

I am wondering what everyone's motivation for recovery is, not reasons for living etc. (Family, friends, significant other). Im talking about what your own internal motivation is for yourself. Maybe you all can help me do some deeper digging within to figure myself out a little more

My own personal motivation for recovery is that deep down I want to get better despite the contradiction in also wanting to die depending on my mood or what has happened to me in the past as someone who has made multiple suicide attempts in the past I don't really want to do that anymore. Or maybe it is just survival instincts.

 

[byec560]

i kind of have given up completly and have let go and just going through the motions
i do as doctors tell me
i soeak my mind
i losten to my friends.
i say no to when i feel uncomfortable
and just ride the wave


for me recovery and killingmyself both seem reasonable
no alarm bells

my psychiatrist said she understands why i want to kill myself, but doesnt agree (after a 2.5 hour assessment)

im gonna see a public clinical psycholigst next week (do you know how fucked up you have to be in nz to be seen clinical psychologist

will keep you uodated

This post speaks to me for sure. No reason to die. No reason to live. Might as well just relax if I'm already just kind of squirming around on the ground. Why be an asshole or cause a scene with no real reason to?

I love this because that's what I'm doing too. I figure it's counterproductive to take care of myself if I want to die. So I eat what I want, don't exercise, sleep when I want and do whatever I want. I figure I might as well enjoy myself. My whole life I've been trying to live perfectly healthy while I was suicidal. The war is over. I mean I don't live recklessly, but not healthy either. It's a compromise between suicide and living.

Honestly live your truth but for me personally I've gotten back into exercise the past few months. I like that it's the easiest form of progress to understand. Relationships are hard, life is hard, and sometimes you don't seem to move forward so much as you run in circles. But in lifting I like that if you add 5 pounds you can see progress. If your shirt fits slightly different that's progress. Most of life is not nearly so simple and that makes it rewarding imo.

 

[StarsAbove]

Nope. Unfortunately it isn't. It's just how it is. Maybe if I suffer a little bit more, I'll stop being a pile of shit and become a better person worthy of some affection. Who knows.

Those of us who suffer need the most affection

 

[StarryEyed]

This post speaks to me for sure. No reason to die. No reason to live. Might as well just relax if I'm already just kind of squirming around on the ground. Why be an asshole or cause a scene with no real reason to?

Honestly live your truth but for me personally I've gotten back into exercise the past few months. I like that it's the easiest form of progress to understand. Relationships are hard, life is hard, and sometimes you don't seem to move forward so much as you run in circles. But in lifting I like that if you add 5 pounds you can see progress. If your shirt fits slightly different that's progress. Most of life is not nearly so simple and that makes it rewarding imo.

Hi @byec560. I think we're possibly talking about different things. Perhaps it's better said that I'm giving voice to my suicidal part and finally giving that part of me room in this world. I keep just trying to shut up the suicidal part of me, through denying that part or trying to fix that part. So it's about allowing myself to be broken, to be imperfect, to go against society, to be sad, to feel shame, to be angry, to be different, to let go of the status quo. It's about accepting that part now and integrating that part. And that's why I like being on this forum, because others have this part too and are expressing that part. So my suicidal part has a voice here and makes sense here. That part doesn't fit IRL, for me.

Maybe that doesn't make sense to you, or maybe it does now. That's okay if it doesn't. Like you say, it's about living my truth.

 

[StarsAbove]

.And that's why I like being on this forum, because others have this part too and are expressing that part. So my suicidal part has a voice here and makes sense here. That part doesn't fit IRL, for me.

This

It is not socially acceptable to explore these thoughts and feelings with people in our own lives usually. I have never encountered an online space quite like this before and it is a comfort

 

[StarryEyed]

This

It is not socially acceptable to explore these thoughts and feelings with people in our own lives usually. I have never encountered an online space quite like this before and it is a comfort

Me neither. It's literally illegal to feel suicidal or to think about suicide. I've never been able to talk about this part of me. And if I did, I was coerced into taking meds and even forced to take them. This is what George Orwell talked about in his book 1984 - the Thought Police. And they actually have explicit mental health laws not only illegalising this, but stripping us of all our civil rights and subjecting us to horrific treatment that they don't even permit so freely on prisoners. It's so fucking bizarre.

Anyway, I believe I can come to love my suicidal part if I listen to that part and adjust my life to incorporate that part. I mean, at least it's worth a shot, right? The alternative is to literally die by suicide, or to continue living the agony of the War of Ambivalence between life or suicide - which is also killing me, figuratively.

 

[I Me & Myself]

Funnily enough my reason to try and recover is also a reason many people want to commit.

My life fucking sucks.

I don't want to live like this.

But I also tried killing myself and that didn't work out... So I have three options. Try again, life a pitiful life and actually attempt to improve my life.

I chose the third because fuck it if I'm gonna live I might as well do it because I want to, not because I failed to ctb.

This is what George Orwell talked about in his book 1984 - the Thought Police.

I'm not trying to talk down your point as I don't know the situation about your country at all. This is merely a tangent.

There is a great video by Jacob Geller called why everyone thinks 1984 agrees with them and I was reminded of it randomly. It's going into current western politics so it can be upsetting to watch for some.

---
Anyway just a reminder for all of you that it's great this safe space exists, but it is also an extreme internet bubble. We are being cornered into this space by predatory legislature, and social prejudice. It doesn't make for the most nuanced opinions.

I'm gonna step off of my soap box now and tell y'all I'm really glad to see you in the Recovery forum, taking this choice to keep living or not to seriously enough to consider it this deeply. That's what I think this forum should be deep down

 

[StarsAbove]

Anyway, I believe I can come to love my suicidal part if I listen to that part and adjust my life to incorporate that part. I mean, at least it's worth a shot, right? The alternative is to literally die by suicide, or to continue living the agony of the War of Ambivalence between life or suicide - which is also killing me, figuratively.

You would basically doing shadow work. Embracing the parts of ourselves that we have tried to abandon in the past. Its about integration, wholeness, and accepting and loving yourself for the good and the "bad".