Recovery journal I guess putting thoughts into a safe space
I have had 2 attempts in the last week.
The one last night I cannot even fully remeber.
This is NZkiwis recovery Journal
***
i know how to kill myself. i know i could
do i know how to recover? and can i action it
///
I guess I will start with trying to figure out my triggers towards my suicide attempts and try to figure out how to heal myself (with help from my friends, public mental health service)
these are the ones i remember clearly
2019 - Attempt (20 years old)
Overdose
medication + recreational medication
gap year during uni
living with friends in big city
Ended up in ed (later found out it was labled as tecreational overdose not suicide attempt hence why i was discharged the next day)
this was pre ceeded by a few admissions to the ed for suicidal ideation but nothing happening. i was labled cluster b (ir bpd) traits
Under public mental health team
Recent diagnosis of bipolar trying to find right meds
i recall feeling very numb
i wanted just to feel something and emotionally took a bunch of drugs/meds
not sure if i wanted to nd my life but wasnt concerned as long as i felt something, so wouldnt mind death clearly
then another ed presention 2 weeks later
was taken to a half way home
stabilised
2020
no clear attempts
2021/2022 new years
attempt but intervened by friends very early
girlfriend and i had an argument
i felt to blame
i had rope in back of my car and grabbed it
i didnt know what to do or how to hang myself
my friends took it off me
end of attempt
i drank alcohol and took benzos went bezerk as passed out
2023
(weak) attemot but more soothing
first year professional work
girlfriend and i had argument
i felt like shit
put a scarf around my neck and cubourd door knob pulled gently
told flatmates who were sad
girlfiend wasnt happy too and didnt want to be the cause
didnt tell my psychiatrist
didnt tell many people
2024
no clear attempts
girlfiend and i broke up
quit my professional job
felt like shit but no attempts
very shitty year
2025
no attemps
went off meds
didnt think i was bipolar
also very shitty year but learning to deal with it
moved to sydney end of year to see if new environment will help, got into usyd on scholarship
****
2026
usyd student
got good news (got into ivy league) for post grad couldnt afford it.
mental health act for psychosis
quit usyd
deferred ivy leage
worked at bartender
was okay
june/july
move back to nz
vague plan of returning to my professional job
got job qs bartneder
but also vague plan of saying good bye to my friends and kill myself peacefully without them knowing (concealment)
let plan slip to friends, friends get concern, call the suicidal helplime and then eventually crisis and got a review for public health service
late july.
put appointment in calender wromg
missed apppointment.
told to go see gp cause im fine
my friends wont be happy with that
write a long email
imediatly asked to be assessed im hospotal
but the drs om are my old classmates
safety plan in place seen in hosptial saturday
took laptop to type out things incoildnt see
added to community planned acute psych list
professional job verbal offer then declined
i think around here i start ordering straps for pick up
discover sn
gonna order pixel phone for ordering sn from mic
review over a few weeks
made safet plan no ordering or picking up things
continue meds
blocked suicide side of sasu forums
2.5 hour assessment with psychoatrist
and another hour and bit with psychologst
in this time posting on sasu to lwarn the vibe
also learning what mindsets i do or do not want from people
(shout out to @ConfusedClouds @Cloud Busting @LRkin @da5ae5ae @Meretlein @StarsAbove for the engagement i dont think i would have found sasu a safe space without you)
****
my mum was off work one day
i wa sleeping in
i think the psychiatrist called the preciois day to take a fsmily history but no details beyond depression i hope lol
she tjougjt something happened to.me and started callimg nae
namged om windows
i then replied inguess a few minute slayer woth im sleepimg skd then she was alrigjt
comforted her the next day and just said i was just sleepimg in for work
foreshadowimg maybe
****
2026
friday 21 august 3am
Attempt
havent taken meds
realised i can focus on other peoples journeys but struggle to feel my own emotion
try feel my own emotion
i think either today or pregious day saw video of someone hanging themselv
not distressed
end up lookimg around room for something to hangmyself
found a belt
put it worund my neck
tried around door handle then slipped
then tried strangling ymself to see if i pass out but nothing happens
give up i guess
took meds
made post recovery forum
didnt want to call crisis
shed a few tears
made group chat with friends as per safety plan saying
"""
just messaging cause part of safety plan and i feel incredibly guilty now
im sorry im sorry im sorry
im okay
just gonna take my meds and go to sleep
quetiapine will knock me out
i dont know how to communicate somethings
idk just felt off
might of tried to hang myself tonight after work
it was a shitty attempt, not plannednand it woudlnt have worked either, door knob was too low and belt would have just made me feel uncomfortable than black out or anything
idk im gonna probably regret sending this
im okay just feel pretty shitty and dont want to burdern one person so just gonna shout into the void
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
"""
one friend on night shift calls me back within few minutes
tell him attempt over im going to bed
sleep in
nexr day make lunch with him
call crisis togeather make updates plan to ? try call him or crisis next time
make sure i take my meds
friends check in on me
make plans
feel guilty
life moves on
review tuesday
i should go for a run but i dont
*****
i think saturday 21st august
?trigger
find out sasu meber who i meesaged did end up ctb
they were from nz
didnt reallt get to process it
their sister messaged me thanking me for being kind to them becore they killed themselves
?trigger watching people die via sn, hanging and train etc
****
monday 24th august i guess 1130pm
attempt
finished work early, toom meds when i was at home
no belt this time was taken away
the metla thing in my cubour looked too weak
i have over door hooks
found grey sweat oanrs
tied to hooks
tried around my neck but was too low, was trying partial self hanging
adjusted and then knet down but reallt hurt my neck
didnt pass out
tried a dew times but pain was too much
put it away
no tears
i am a man of my work ao i knew i needed to call someone
i called crisis
plan for rewview tmrw anway
i felt more regulated after the attempt
fell asleep
*****
themes
triggers
?unprocessed grief
?arugment with loved one
?alone with thoughts
?watching people kill themselves
?not running
when im attempting
i dont want to be reached
and my bwhviour is suicidla
my thoights and feelimgs are calm
no alarm bells
###*
update needed to safety plan
as discussed with mental health team today
when i have
- thoughts of conceaemt
- behaviour of suicidaloty
- feelinga of dispair
reach out to crisis
ecentually need to weem off them and lean on friends
****
im struggling to recall last night
had to read through my diary and phone call log to confirm the date and details
its like having memories of what you had for breakfast 2 days ago but from
****
i know how to kill myself. i know i could
do i know how to recover? and can i action it
I have had 2 attempts in the last week.
The one last night I cannot even fully remeber.
This is NZkiwis recovery Journal
***
i know how to kill myself. i know i could
do i know how to recover? and can i action it
///
I guess I will start with trying to figure out my triggers towards my suicide attempts and try to figure out how to heal myself (with help from my friends, public mental health service)
these are the ones i remember clearly
2019 - Attempt (20 years old)
Overdose
medication + recreational medication
gap year during uni
living with friends in big city
Ended up in ed (later found out it was labled as tecreational overdose not suicide attempt hence why i was discharged the next day)
this was pre ceeded by a few admissions to the ed for suicidal ideation but nothing happening. i was labled cluster b (ir bpd) traits
Under public mental health team
Recent diagnosis of bipolar trying to find right meds
i recall feeling very numb
i wanted just to feel something and emotionally took a bunch of drugs/meds
not sure if i wanted to nd my life but wasnt concerned as long as i felt something, so wouldnt mind death clearly
then another ed presention 2 weeks later
was taken to a half way home
stabilised
2020
no clear attempts
2021/2022 new years
attempt but intervened by friends very early
girlfriend and i had an argument
i felt to blame
i had rope in back of my car and grabbed it
i didnt know what to do or how to hang myself
my friends took it off me
end of attempt
i drank alcohol and took benzos went bezerk as passed out
2023
(weak) attemot but more soothing
first year professional work
girlfriend and i had argument
i felt like shit
put a scarf around my neck and cubourd door knob pulled gently
told flatmates who were sad
girlfiend wasnt happy too and didnt want to be the cause
didnt tell my psychiatrist
didnt tell many people
2024
no clear attempts
girlfiend and i broke up
quit my professional job
felt like shit but no attempts
very shitty year
2025
no attemps
went off meds
didnt think i was bipolar
also very shitty year but learning to deal with it
moved to sydney end of year to see if new environment will help, got into usyd on scholarship
****
2026
usyd student
got good news (got into ivy league) for post grad couldnt afford it.
mental health act for psychosis
quit usyd
deferred ivy leage
worked at bartender
was okay
june/july
move back to nz
vague plan of returning to my professional job
got job qs bartneder
but also vague plan of saying good bye to my friends and kill myself peacefully without them knowing (concealment)
let plan slip to friends, friends get concern, call the suicidal helplime and then eventually crisis and got a review for public health service
late july.
put appointment in calender wromg
missed apppointment.
told to go see gp cause im fine
my friends wont be happy with that
write a long email
imediatly asked to be assessed im hospotal
but the drs om are my old classmates
safety plan in place seen in hosptial saturday
took laptop to type out things incoildnt see
added to community planned acute psych list
professional job verbal offer then declined
i think around here i start ordering straps for pick up
discover sn
gonna order pixel phone for ordering sn from mic
review over a few weeks
made safet plan no ordering or picking up things
continue meds
blocked suicide side of sasu forums
2.5 hour assessment with psychoatrist
and another hour and bit with psychologst
in this time posting on sasu to lwarn the vibe
also learning what mindsets i do or do not want from people
(shout out to @ConfusedClouds @Cloud Busting @LRkin @da5ae5ae @Meretlein @StarsAbove for the engagement i dont think i would have found sasu a safe space without you)
****
my mum was off work one day
i wa sleeping in
i think the psychiatrist called the preciois day to take a fsmily history but no details beyond depression i hope lol
she tjougjt something happened to.me and started callimg nae
namged om windows
i then replied inguess a few minute slayer woth im sleepimg skd then she was alrigjt
comforted her the next day and just said i was just sleepimg in for work
foreshadowimg maybe
****
2026
friday 21 august 3am
Attempt
havent taken meds
realised i can focus on other peoples journeys but struggle to feel my own emotion
try feel my own emotion
i think either today or pregious day saw video of someone hanging themselv
not distressed
end up lookimg around room for something to hangmyself
found a belt
put it worund my neck
tried around door handle then slipped
then tried strangling ymself to see if i pass out but nothing happens
give up i guess
took meds
made post recovery forum
didnt want to call crisis
shed a few tears
made group chat with friends as per safety plan saying
"""
just messaging cause part of safety plan and i feel incredibly guilty now
im sorry im sorry im sorry
im okay
just gonna take my meds and go to sleep
quetiapine will knock me out
i dont know how to communicate somethings
idk just felt off
might of tried to hang myself tonight after work
it was a shitty attempt, not plannednand it woudlnt have worked either, door knob was too low and belt would have just made me feel uncomfortable than black out or anything
idk im gonna probably regret sending this
im okay just feel pretty shitty and dont want to burdern one person so just gonna shout into the void
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
"""
one friend on night shift calls me back within few minutes
tell him attempt over im going to bed
sleep in
nexr day make lunch with him
call crisis togeather make updates plan to ? try call him or crisis next time
make sure i take my meds
friends check in on me
make plans
feel guilty
life moves on
review tuesday
i should go for a run but i dont
*****
i think saturday 21st august
?trigger
find out sasu meber who i meesaged did end up ctb
they were from nz
didnt reallt get to process it
their sister messaged me thanking me for being kind to them becore they killed themselves
?trigger watching people die via sn, hanging and train etc
****
monday 24th august i guess 1130pm
attempt
finished work early, toom meds when i was at home
no belt this time was taken away
the metla thing in my cubour looked too weak
i have over door hooks
found grey sweat oanrs
tied to hooks
tried around my neck but was too low, was trying partial self hanging
adjusted and then knet down but reallt hurt my neck
didnt pass out
tried a dew times but pain was too much
put it away
no tears
i am a man of my work ao i knew i needed to call someone
i called crisis
plan for rewview tmrw anway
i felt more regulated after the attempt
fell asleep
*****
themes
triggers
?unprocessed grief
?arugment with loved one
?alone with thoughts
?watching people kill themselves
?not running
when im attempting
i dont want to be reached
and my bwhviour is suicidla
my thoights and feelimgs are calm
no alarm bells
###*
update needed to safety plan
as discussed with mental health team today
when i have
- thoughts of conceaemt
- behaviour of suicidaloty
- feelinga of dispair
reach out to crisis
ecentually need to weem off them and lean on friends
****
im struggling to recall last night
had to read through my diary and phone call log to confirm the date and details
its like having memories of what you had for breakfast 2 days ago but from
****
i know how to kill myself. i know i could
do i know how to recover? and can i action it
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