Discussion What is it like having autism? Does autism make you want to ctb?

[migimortis]

Genuine question; what is it like having autism? I think I may be autistic but I'm not sure. A lot of the symptoms seem to resonate (sensory overload, catatonia, social difficulty), and I'm curious if some of the life experiences of people with autism parallel my own. I don't know if there are many autistic people on this site which is another reason I'm curious.

If you have autism feel free to share; how has autism affected you? does autism make you want to ctb?

I read that over 85% of people with autism are unemployed, is there any hope for people who are autistic?

 

[Unicr0n]

Statistically, people with autism are 9 times more likely to express SI (source). For me, it makes it harder to connect with people. I know that I'm doing something wrong. When I try to do it right, it just doesn't seem as natural or as good as non-affected individuals. I can't stare into people's eyes long because it burns, and I feel like that impacts the quality of relationships if you can't stare into other people's eyes. I've thought about suicide because I don't fit in no matter how hard I try, but my suicidal thoughts come more from being happy rather than noticing that I'm not fitting in.

I do immediately know who else is not neurotypical, though. I've also always gotten along well with teachers more than people my age.

Yes, unemployment rates are high. I strived for neurosurgery. I was foretold in highschool that I'm the person most likely to make a change in this world, so I strived to live up to their expectations. It helped me way more than being stuck in a special needs class (I got stuck in SOAR which might have helped me?). I may not be able to communicate through my expressions so well but I can help save people. You can do great things if you put your heart into it!!! Don't let anyone tell you who you can or cannot be!! Don't let them take away your creativity and your passion! Life is what you make of it!!!! YOU CAN DO IT IF A LOSER LIKE I CAN

 

[4am]

Statistically, people with autism are 9 times more likely to express SI (source).

just lil fyi, on this forum by si ppl usually mean survival instinct

 

[Unicr0n]

just lil fyi, on this forum by si ppl usually mean survival instinct

Oh sorry. I thought it meant suicidal ideation from the acronym list

x_x I'll keep that in mind next time!

 

[migimortis]

Statistically, people with autism are 9 times more likely to express SI (source). For me, it makes it harder to connect with people. I know that I'm doing something wrong. When I try to do it right, it just doesn't seem as natural or as good as non-affected individuals. I can't stare into people's eyes long because it burns, and I feel like that impacts the quality of relationships if you can't stare into other people's eyes. I've thought about suicide because I don't fit in no matter how hard I try, but my suicidal thoughts come more from being happy rather than noticing that I'm not fitting in.

I do immediately know who else is not neurotypical, though. I've also always gotten along well with teachers more than people my age.

Yes, unemployment rates are high. I strived for neurosurgery. I was foretold in highschool that I'm the person most likely to make a change in this world, so I strived to live up to their expectations. It helped me way more than being stuck in a special needs class (I got stuck in SOAR which might have helped me?). I may not be able to communicate through my expressions so well but I can help save people. You can do great things if you put your heart into it!!! Don't let anyone tell you who you can or cannot be!! Don't let them take away your creativity and your passion! Life is what you make of it!!!! YOU CAN DO IT IF A LOSER LIKE I CAN

Your experiences as an autistic person (minus the neurosurgery) are incredibly relatable Unicr0n. I was also predicted for great things in school (though I failed to live up to anything). Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong and then having to self adjust in a way that feels at odds with how I naturally am. It makes social interaction very tiresome having to continuously self correct. The eye staring thing too, I've had people think I was lying or keeping secrets due to my preference for not making eye contact. Does autism play a big role in romantic relationships? And what do you mean when you say "but my suicidal thoughts come more from being happy rather than noticing that I'm not fitting in." Could you please elaborate?

 

[Unicr0n]

Your experiences as an autistic person (minus the neurosurgery) are incredibly relatable Unicr0n. I was also predicted for great things in school (though I failed to live up to anything). Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong and then having to self adjust in a way that feels at odds with how I naturally am. It makes social interaction very tiresome having to continuously self correct. The eye staring thing too, I've had people think I was lying or keeping secrets due to my preference for not making eye contact. Does autism play a big role in romantic relationships? And what do you mean when you say "but my suicidal thoughts come more from being happy rather than noticing that I'm not fitting in." Could you please elaborate?

If trying to change to be how society expects you to be is too difficult (and it really is, I've spent thousands of hours crying and analyzing every thing I've done wrong), maybe don't. There are jobs that don't require being face to face with people. I did art for ten years post-high school because I wasn't ready to be an adult. Made good money and could have stayed in that career but it was good for ASD individuals. It's easier to talk over a phone than to talk in person when you have to be more aware of how you're behaving or looking and what not. Coding is a major playing field, a lot of ASD individuals (including many that are not diagnosed but you can tell) go into that field and they excel!

I can't be certain if ASD plays a role in romance, but I assume it does. I can't give you experiences here because my CSA tints how I perceive people today. As in, even if I could be romantically interested in someone, I can't get.. like. Aroused. But I have felt extremely comfortable with at least two people, one who I suspect has ASD but functions in normal society, and the other one I know has ASD because of how he acts. It's like people with autism naturally attract each other because we understand each other better than we can interact with neurotypical people haha.

My suicidal ideations began in fifth grade (from what I've seen in my journals, could've occurred earlier). When I feel happy, I start getting suicidal ideation ("I shouldn't be here" "I shouldn't be happy because I hurt so many people" "I should kill myself"). It's the logical side of my brain pointing out my flaws. Because of my moral views in life, I don't believe someone like me should be allowed to enjoy life until I've become something that gives value to society beyond art. Even though the majority of my behaviour was the result of abuse and being raised on the internet without parental guidance. Idk. It's complicated.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Had some developmental delays which is normal. Don't think it impacted my early childhood too much other than I was in kindergarten and pre-school and 1st grade at the same time for some reason? I think maybe I was really good at math or something and did 1st grade level math then idk. Kids are a lot less judgmental then so it wouldn't matter. Got put into SPED pretty early too. Used to have meltdowns at this age up until 12, then they stopped when I switched schools. Long story on that so I won't share. Sensory overload was a bit of a problem but I just got used to it after I switched schools. Once again, long story. TLDR things become more manageable if you don't have extra crap getting in the way, and eventually, they don't become a problem anymore.

Eventually, kids began to figure out that I was odd. Started getting isolated. Not a whole lot was done by SPED paras or my parents. Most unfortunate. Spent the latter half of elementary school with no friends other than a couple of the other rejects who were pretty cool but one was super suicidal and made a lot of drama. Middle school and high school were the same. Never got invited to someone's house till I was 18. That kind of thing takes a big toll on you. I'm talking about this because it's not necessarily ASD that makes you socially awkward, it's the fact that you're rejected from such an early age when you learn social skills that does. Social skills aren't innate, they're taught. A lot of people I talk to who are "normal" don't understand this probably because they don't experience it.

Eye contact's a big thing. Yeah, I don't really look at people's eyes. Sometimes I force myself to and then it's "ah shit am I staring too long should I be looking somewhere else?" I also have to sometimes force facial expressions or gestures to convey something. For example, if someone tells a joke I force a smile or laugh or feign interest in someone's story. That's probably relatable to neurotypical people but now imagine doing that for everything all the time. I used to not do it for a very long time until I got tons of comments from people in school saying that I looked angry all the time.

I too was supposed to be this awesome smart kid that was gonna become this cool IT guy and be super successful. Yeah that didn't happen. I did learn CS though but didn't get a degree despite finishing all the coursework. Another long story. I liked it though.

I saw romance was mentioned. Yeah, I don't think I can be romantically attracted to someone. I also don't like playing by the "rules" of social interaction and would find dates to be tiresome since I feel like I'm at a job interview as opposed to a date. I don't like all the "hints" and stuff you'd have to just be blunt with me because I'm going to be blunt with you. People don't like directness unfortunately.

Is it my reason for ctb? Yep. It's caused me isolation, difficulty in employment, and trauma, among other things. Probably why our life expectancy is so low and why the #1 cause of death among those with ASD (who aren't intellectually disabled) is suicide.

I read that over 85% of people with autism are unemployed, is there any hope for people who are autistic?

Correct. I'm not as of today. But I will almost certainly be in a couple of hours since I'm unable to handle my new job. Yet another long story. You can look forward to workplace exploitation as many people with ASD want to try to prove themselves and make others happy rather than have people be angry at them. I am not like that and I don't care about what others think anymore they're not gonna try to have me do shit that's outside of my job description or come in 20 minutes early but not pay me for it. I might make a thread discussing how to prevent workplace exploitation if I felt like there'd be interest in that since I've learned a thing or two since I think different from most (neurotypical) people.

Speaking of thinking differently that's one benefit I guess. I'm able to see a lot... bullshit I guess? Hard to describe. I can detect obvious double standards, hypocrisy, lies, sociopathic tendencies, inefficiencies (work and life-related), solutions to certain problems, and other things that aren't obvious to most people. So cool I guess. The problem is getting people to listen.

Is there hope? I don't really think so. Not with the statistics I've seen. Here's a link to just a couple that I talked about. There's a lot more.

 

[migimortis]

Had some developmental delays which is normal. Don't think it impacted my early childhood too much other than I was in kindergarten and pre-school and 1st grade at the same time for some reason? I think maybe I was really good at math or something and did 1st grade level math then idk. Kids are a lot less judgmental then so it wouldn't matter. Got put into SPED pretty early too. Used to have meltdowns at this age up until 12, then they stopped when I switched schools. Long story on that so I won't share. Sensory overload was a bit of a problem but I just got used to it after I switched schools. Once again, long story. TLDR things become more manageable if you don't have extra crap getting in the way, and eventually, they don't become a problem anymore.

Eventually, kids began to figure out that I was odd. Started getting isolated. Not a whole lot was done by SPED paras or my parents. Most unfortunate. Spent the latter half of elementary school with no friends other than a couple of the other rejects who were pretty cool but one was super suicidal and made a lot of drama. Middle school and high school were the same. Never got invited to someone's house till I was 18. That kind of thing takes a big toll on you. I'm talking about this because it's not necessarily ASD that makes you socially awkward, it's the fact that you're rejected from such an early age when you learn social skills that does. Social skills aren't innate, they're taught. A lot of people I talk to who are "normal" don't understand this probably because they don't experience it.

Eye contact's a big thing. Yeah, I don't really look at people's eyes. Sometimes I force myself to and then it's "ah shit am I staring too long should I be looking somewhere else?" I also have to sometimes force facial expressions or gestures to convey something. For example, if someone tells a joke I force a smile or laugh or feign interest in someone's story. That's probably relatable to neurotypical people but now imagine doing that for everything all the time. I used to not do it for a very long time until I got tons of comments from people in school saying that I looked angry all the time.

I too was supposed to be this awesome smart kid that was gonna become this cool IT guy and be super successful. Yeah that didn't happen. I did learn CS though but didn't get a degree despite finishing all the coursework. Another long story. I liked it though.

I saw romance was mentioned. Yeah, I don't think I can be romantically attracted to someone. I also don't like playing by the "rules" of social interaction and would find dates to be tiresome since I feel like I'm at a job interview as opposed to a date. I don't like all the "hints" and stuff you'd have to just be blunt with me because I'm going to be blunt with you. People don't like directness unfortunately.

Is it my reason for ctb? Yep. It's caused me isolation, difficulty in employment, and trauma, among other things. Probably why our life expectancy is so low and why the #1 cause of death among those with ASD (who aren't intellectually disabled) is suicide.


Correct. I'm not as of today. But I will almost certainly be in a couple of hours since I'm unable to handle my new job. Yet another long story. You can look forward to workplace exploitation as many people with ASD want to try to prove themselves and make others happy rather than have people be angry at them. I am not like that and I don't care about what others think anymore they're not gonna try to have me do shit that's outside of my job description or come in 20 minutes early but not pay me for it. I might make a thread discussing how to prevent workplace exploitation if I felt like there'd be interest in that since I've learned a thing or two since I think different from most (neurotypical) people.

Speaking of thinking differently that's one benefit I guess. I'm able to see a lot... bullshit I guess? Hard to describe. I can detect obvious double standards, hypocrisy, lies, sociopathic tendencies, inefficiencies (work and life-related), solutions to certain problems, and other things that aren't obvious to most people. So cool I guess. The problem is getting people to listen.

Is there hope? I don't really think so. Not with the statistics I've seen. Here's a link to just a couple that I talked about. There's a lot more.

Brutal. I strongly relate to your feelings regarding romance, though I can experience attraction, the rules and dating norms are way too much to mentally digest and the consequences of failing to conform to them seem to be very severe, especially for males. Part of me feels like giving up on something which for the most past seems nonsensical. Like yourself, I prefer honesty and directness, much simpler.

I also do the smile thing by default IRL because I've learned it puts people at ease when you seem cheerful (despite being suicidal), and if you make a social mistake while smiling, people seem to think you are joking which lessens how embarrassing it can be to say or do the wrong thing in social situations. It really does take a toll on your self image & faith in life when you can't live like everyone else and you don't know why.

I very much struggle with holding down a job too due to stress which is another reason I think I could have autism. Sorry to hear you are dealing with the same issue so many autistic people have to live with. Do you claim disability benefits for your autism? Or are autistic people not eligible for financial support?

I did not know the number 1 cause of death for autistic people is suicide. That is devastating.

 

[reckit8x]

Genuine question; what is it like having autism? I think I may be autistic but I'm not sure. A lot of the symptoms seem to resonate (sensory overload, catatonia, social difficulty), and I'm curious if some of the life experiences of people with autism parallel my own. I don't know if there are many autistic people on this site which is another reason I'm curious.

If you have autism feel free to share; how has autism affected you? does autism make you want to ctb?

I read that over 85% of people with autism are unemployed, is there any hope for people who are autistic?

I had to explain this to my therapist recently, so here goes. Imagine, from a very young age, feeling like everyone around you is playing a game that you don't know the rules too. And no one can explain the rules to you because they can't or don't understand why you don't just inherently know them. It's like throwing someone whose never played baseball before or has even heard of it into the middle of a game and expecting them to know what to do. So you adapt, you step back, you watch, you listen, you learn, you copy behaviors, mimic facial expressions, suppress yourself, hold back, just be more quiet, just be more still, just try to be normal. But it's never enough. I'm tired. Being myself isn't an option because I don't fit it, and masking to make myself seem normal and socially acceptable is exhausting and I don't know if I can do it anymore.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Do you claim disability benefits for your autism? Or are autistic people not eligible for financial support?

To get supplemental security income (or your country's equivalent) you have to prove that your disability makes it so you can't hold a job. It's hard to do so. And since I've been employed before my disability isn't considered enough for me to get any sort of disability benefits. So I just have to have larger obstacles to overcome for the same result. In fact, the social security website in America even states that "employers recognize the strengths of individuals with ASD" so it's just another one of those things where they think it's a superpower when it's only a superpower for some.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Autism has been absolute hell for me. There are so much things it has done to me beyond having socialisation issues but I suppose I should mention that I still do have socialisation issues, so much so to where I never made an irl friend during my entire life so far and this will continue to be the case until I die because of how damaged my brain is. Another issue I have due to autism is executive dysfunction. I can't really study or do anything well because of it. Also, I struggle with dealing with basic instructions which makes life far harder for me. Also, I react extremely to even the smallest amounts of stress and pressure which makes me highly incompatible with the world as nature as well as human society itself is contingent on stress and pressure. Also, I just refuse to settle for less and I just refuse to accept getting treated like shit for the rest of my life

These following points may not be related to autism specifically but I will include them nonetheless as I do feel like it's caused by my neurotype. There is absolutely nothing that I enjoy within life and there never has been. There just isn't anything I want to do and I honestly get grossed out by those who talk about wanting to do a specific career or something within life. I feel like I'm highly compatible with permanent non existence as being a human has brought me nothing besides suffering and pain

Autism has been hell for me and I'll most likely die early due to failing to get employed anyway but I still want to be dead before I finish university. I may just have to force myself to do a brutal method to escape this world because of how cruel and shitty this world is

 

[greatblueheron]

It's not true that 80% of autistic people are unemployed. I'm pretty sure this circulating claim can be traced back to studies done by Autism Speaks (if you don't know why that's an unreliable source of info, you've got a rabbit hole to head down).

First of all, people with higher support requirements are more likely to have an official diagnosis and therefore more likely to be included in census data about autism. The majority of autistic people don't have official diagnoses. People tend to pull statistics from studies on non-representative groups and apply sweeping generalizations to all autistic people.

"Employment rate" is also not a comprehensive or consistent term. When you see a stat that says "half of disabled people are unemployed", the study probably hasn't accounted for the distinction between disabled people looking for work and unable to find it and people with high support needs who have never and likely will never work, and who aren't trying to. This number is then disingenuously compared against the national unemployment rate, which does not reflect the percentage of people who are unemployed by choice, only those who are unemployed while actively seeking work. In USA, the percentage of people actively employed is somewhere around 60%, but the unemployment rate is about 4%, leaving 36% of people who don't fit into either of those census categories. The rate of unemployment among autistics with the capacity to work who are actively seeking employment is definitely still higher than that of allistic people in the same situation, but it is probably a lot closer than the outcomes presented by these noncomprehensive studies might suggest. Their outcomes are crafted to make attention-grabbing headlines, it's basically click-bait.

Editing to add: this framing harms autistic people by reinforcing stereotypes of helplessness and hopelessness. It hurts me so much to see teenagers online who think these incomplete stats are predictive of the trajectory of their life.

 

[sserafim]

I have Asperger's aka autism level 1, and I had some developmental delays as a child (I was late to start talking and had to go to a speech language pathologist). I also have terrible hand eye coordination and fine motor skills; I had to go to physical therapist. I wasn't in special needs though; I was actually the opposite. I have a high IQ, and breezed through school. People would bully me in middle school for being smart. They took my progress reports and saw my 100s. The main issue I have is with socializing and executive function (I also have ADHD). I have trouble reading body language and social cues, these are foreign to me. I've gotten better at reading them over time, but they're still not second nature. People's eyes intimidate me; I hate having to look people in the eye. I usually stare at the space between their eyes as eyes scare me. I also have social issues which got better during middle and high school, but got worse again (with the pandemic). I've failed to launch into adulthood after college, and have instead become a NEET/hiki. I think I'm burnt out from masking all my life. I can't handle many things on my plate. I don't think that I'll ever be able to handle the responsibilities and demands of adulthood, nor do I want to. It just seems like too much for me. I have trouble prioritizing as everything seems equally important to me. I'm the type to highlight everything because I can't tell what's the most important. I also have no concept of time or time management, and I get overwhelmed easily. I can't handle a lot of pressure, when the pressure gets too much, I break

Autism has been absolute hell for me. There are so much things it has done to me beyond having socialisation issues but I suppose I should mention that I still do have socialisation issues, so much so to where I never made an irl friend during my entire life so far and this will continue to be the case until I die because of how damaged my brain is. Another issue I have due to autism is executive dysfunction. I can't really study or do anything well because of it. Also, I struggle with dealing with basic instructions which makes life far harder for me. Also, I react extremely to even the smallest amounts of stress and pressure which makes me highly incompatible with the world as nature as well as human society itself is contingent on stress and pressure. Also, I just refuse to settle for less and I just refuse to accept getting treated like shit for the rest of my life

These following points may not be related to autism specifically but I will include them nonetheless as I do feel like it's caused by my neurotype. There is absolutely nothing that I enjoy within life and there never has been. There just isn't anything I want to do and I honestly get grossed out by those who talk about wanting to do a specific career or something within life. I feel like I'm highly compatible with permanent non existence as being a human has brought me nothing besides suffering and pain

Autism has been hell for me and I'll most likely die early due to failing to get employed anyway but I still want to be dead before I finish university. I may just have to force myself to do a brutal method to escape this world because of how cruel and shitty this world is

Same. I hate how human society itself is contingent on stress and pressure. Why must it be like this? Anyways, it doesn't work well for me. I get stressed out easily and crack under pressure (when it gets too much for me)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

It's not true that 80% of autistic people are unemployed. I'm pretty sure this circulating claim can be traced back to studies done by Autism Speaks (if you don't know why that's an unreliable source of info, you've got a rabbit hole to head down).

First of all, people with higher support requirements are more likely to have an official diagnosis and therefore more likely to be included in census data about autism. The majority of autistic people don't have official diagnoses. People tend to pull statistics from studies on non-representative groups and apply sweeping generalizations to all autistic people.

"Employment rate" is also not a comprehensive or consistent term. When you see a stat that says "half of disabled people are unemployed", the study probably hasn't accounted for the distinction between disabled people looking for work and unable to find it and people with high support needs who have never and likely will never work, and who aren't trying to. This number is then disingenuously compared against the national unemployment rate, which does not reflect the percentage of people who are unemployed by choice, only those who are unemployed while actively seeking work. In USA, the percentage of people actively employed is somewhere around 60%, but the unemployment rate is about 4%, leaving 36% of people who don't fit into either of those census categories. The rate of unemployment among autistics with the capacity to work who are actively seeking employment is definitely still higher than that of allistic people in the same situation, but it is probably a lot closer than the outcomes presented by these noncomprehensive studies might suggest. Their outcomes are crafted to make attention-grabbing headlines, it's basically click-bait.

Editing to add: this framing harms autistic people by reinforcing stereotypes of helplessness and hopelessness. It hurts me so much to see teenagers online who think these incomplete stats are predictive of the trajectory of their life.

Is there a way to find statistics on the number of autistic people who are unemployed whilst actively seeking work? I used to actively seek a role in a part time job before due to my parents forcing me to work but I failed to get hired and so they want me to try again once my university semester ends.

Also, do you think that, even if the 80% number is overblown, autistic people who are actively searching for work have a lower chance of getting employed than a neurotypical actively searching for work? After all, we definitely go through additional hurdles which neurotypical people will never have to go through.

Even if the statistics are incomplete, I'm still hopeless about getting employed. Mind you, I don't want to get employed as I'd rather just be dead but I pretty much have to be employed if I don't want to suffer even more than I currently am in the long term

 

[sserafim]

Your experiences as an autistic person (minus the neurosurgery) are incredibly relatable Unicr0n. I was also predicted for great things in school (though I failed to live up to anything). Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong and then having to self adjust in a way that feels at odds with how I naturally am. It makes social interaction very tiresome having to continuously self correct. The eye staring thing too, I've had people think I was lying or keeping secrets due to my preference for not making eye contact. Does autism play a big role in romantic relationships? And what do you mean when you say "but my suicidal thoughts come more from being happy rather than noticing that I'm not fitting in." Could you please elaborate?

Same. I was also predicted for great things in school, and failed to live up to anything. I went to an elite college, but failed to launch afterwards. I think I'm stuck in a state of autistic burnout right now. My parents wanted me to go to medical and become a doctor, but I don't see the point in striving for achievement or even achieving anything.

 

[greatblueheron]

Is there a way to find statistics on the number of autistic people who are unemployed whilst actively seeking work?

Not really. There are too many undiagnosed autistic people and too many autistic people who aren't in positions to advocate for themselves for that polling not to be fraught with variable data.

Also, do you think that, even if the 80% number is overblown, autistic people who are actively searching for work have a lower chance of getting employed than a neurotypical actively searching for work? After all, we definitely go through additional hurdles which neurotypical people will never have to go through.

Yes. Like I said, the rate of unemployment among autistics with the capacity to work who are actively seeking employment is definitely still higher than that of allistic people in the same situation, but it is probably a lot closer than the available data suggests.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's hell. They should record it as my real COD.

 

[hail]

i have aspergers (level 1 autism), didnt have any delays in talking/motor skills (i spoke and walked very early for my age), but i used to struggle so bad with social cues and always felt so uncomfortable with any situation at any time, i didn't really get any sort of help apart from a child psychologist that just explained (albeit poorly) what aspergers was and didn't give me any techniques or coping mechanisms, it was literally a case of "so your autistic, thats about it" and then i was forgotten about, as a result i never pushed myself to provide for myself, i dropped out of school at 12 and went years without going outside/communicating with my extended family, i had to learn how to understand people all by myself (my parents were fucking useless) and i just never cared enough to be independent cause well, i knew i was fucked from the get-go.

like, at a very early age i had visions and had this set perception that i was always going to be fucked regardless of what happens in my life, i still feel the exact same today, i don't want to say autism is a "death sentence" per say but we are dealt some of the shittest cards in life and it's very difficult to have hope and dreams when you were born with a condition that renders you disabled from birth, apologies for going off on a rant cause i know you guys didnt log on here to see me bitch about my life lol

but to answer your question, having autism is fucking horrible and it makes me want to ctb.

 

[Silent_cries]

For me it's like being a ticking over emotional bomb that could explode anytime things gets too unpredictable, I don't get my routines or other ridiculous stuff like that. I hate it so much! :/ Yes, it does make me want to ctb in addition to my crippling anxiety.

 

[Eternal Eyes]

I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 4 years old. I've never met anyone diagnosed younger. Thus I never truly had a life without it, and having it diagnosed so young has felt like a curse tethered to me. I think my main symptom was crying all the time, and a real fear of the outside. I remember hiding and crying a lot. I found social situations were almost nightmare like.

I had a lot of bad years in school, I essentially dropped out at 15, and did odd jobs for almost a decade, never really enjoying anywhere or anything or ever settling (mechanic apprentice, dog kennel worker, retail worker, warehouse worker,). Earlier this year I got myself a nice volunteering set up, which gives me enough in expensive that I don't have to worry about finances thankfully. I enjoy what I do, and it does give my life some kind of small, if not meagre purpose. But even then, I feel like it's just temporary, and I feel the people around me aren't the greatest fans of me. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

I don't think I'll ever own any large scale assets, doubt I'll ever make any more friends, and will almost certainly not have another relationship. I had two relationships several years ago. Person 1 loved me and I didn't love them. Person 2 liked me as a friend while I adored them. Relationship 2 kinda made me feel like friendships, and even human contact barring basics aren't for me. If I can avoid communicating, that's a win for me. I have an unusual surname, and the other day I found a person I volunteer with asking me about it...he's basically known me for about 6 months...and he's only just discovered my surname (surely i must get some kind of king of introverts award for that???).

Speaking, communicating and interacting just feel wildly unnatural. Like you're under immense pressure while you do it. Choking for air almost. I'm not sure if that's just me having generalized anxiety, or trauma relating to speaking to people in the past, or just my autism itself. Also I always second guess myself, struggle to make decision and am terrified I've done the wrong thing all the time.

I often meditate these days, and write down my feelings in an attempt to try and connect parts of my traumas to my current fears and anxieties. I came to the conclusion recently while I don't always want to die, I genuinely wish I was never born. I feel like I hold no purpose or value to anything.

 

[Kit1]

Sensory overload, delayed speech, repeated victimisation to mention a few. It is hell to live with and can be extremely lonely.

 

[J&L383]

Not fitting in, jokes behind my back, noises I can't control, small talk . Intimacy and friends . Self-confidence, identity. . . . Don't get me started.

 

[fleshgarden]

my experience with being autistic is that for one I just feel completely separate from earth. I find it so hard to understand NT people. I struggle with doing a lot of things, mostly due to me creating my own stressors, such as my routines being interrupted. getting anxious and irritated and tired over everything. constantly tired. can never rest. I feel immensely confused when new people talk to me. I don't know if I can't respond because when people talk to me they're usually making fun of me or I just can't grasp anything. I feel very confused all the time. I can only describe that feeling as being a little bit high all the time, lol .. everything that touches me irritates me. I'm fighting with my own body a lot because I get uncomfortable about thinking of my veins and organs. I was hyperlexic and very smart growing up, put in all the smart classes. now I can barely get myself to do a question on any given assignment. I don't feel like I belong anywhere on this earth. yes, being autistic is a big reason I want to cbt. I feel like I've barely had any chances in life, and I never will be, besides the chance I get to be codependent on my girlfriend instead of being able to get a job lol.. miserable at all angles

 

[Anonymous2998691]

Genuine question; what is it like having autism? I think I may be autistic but I'm not sure. A lot of the symptoms seem to resonate (sensory overload, catatonia, social difficulty), and I'm curious if some of the life experiences of people with autism parallel my own. I don't know if there are many autistic people on this site which is another reason I'm curious.

If you have autism feel free to share; how has autism affected you? does autism make you want to ctb?

I read that over 85% of people with autism are unemployed, is there any hope for people who are autistic?

Not bad, honestly if you are good looking enough you can overcome most social incompetence and autism, it when you have autism and you are genetic shit that you basically are fucked. I've seen attractive people do the most socially unacceptable or awkward things and be fine. Literally just look up the "halo effect". I'll be honest though, I don't have severe autism, but I've witnessed many quite autistic people fit it because of good looks and ability.

1. Being physically attractive makes your personality seem better. [ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0956797610388048]
2. Your looks define perception of your personality in online dating. [ https://gwern.net/doc/psychology/okcupid/weexperimentonhumanbeings.html ]
3. Parents treat attractive children better. [ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050412213412.htm ]
4. Physical attractiveness in adolescence predicts better socioeconomic status in adulthood. [ https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0063975 ]
5. Attractive people are perceived much more positively than they really are. [ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4757567/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4415372/ ]

 

[Dark Moon]

I can't relate to people and fit in for the most part and autism has affected me a lot in a negative way from socialising, making friends, to being hated and bullied in the real world and online.

 

[natthebrat]

I tend to get hyperfixated on interests. When I find something I like or just find interesting, my brain will think about that thing 24/7. I've had several throughout my life, but the longest running one has been video game history.

I have an EXTREME aversion to change. Even very small, simple changes to daily tasks will leave me confused and upset, especially if I didn't initiate them myself. This makes employment difficult as employers look for adaptability.

I struggle with socializing. Obviously that's a major disadvantage in employment as well. In certain situations where I don't have responses to questions planned, I don't know what to say, so I'll just shut down and not say anything. Other times, I'll misinterpret, and be misinterpreted by, those around me. A year ago, I had a friend cut me off bc I apparently didn't respect her boundaries, but I had no idea what I did that made her uncomfortable.

And yes, I have sensory issues as well. I always use earplugs when I go to concerts, sporting events, or movies, and even then it's sometimes still too loud. Textures bother me even more, I'll want to throw up any time I feel something I'm unfamiliar with, especially if it's a food texture.

 

[eatantz]

I only have the cons of autism I'm not good at school at all always behind with dyslexia and dyscalculia. Its shit, cant fit in with people, crippling anxiety and stupid sensory issues which make going out and doing fun stuff a challenge e.g. swimming, travelling, partying.

 

[4_science]

I think I'm burnt out from masking all my life. I can't handle many things on my plate. I don't think that I'll ever be able to handle the responsibilities and demands of adulthood, nor do I want to. It just seems like too much for me.

High functioning Asperger Autism/ Autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, cptbs, clinical depression, anxiety, panic disorder, burn out, ocd. I am a wreck, but at least was a high functioning one till I broke down. - my favourite emoji. Anyone else?

I can very much relate to what you said. Masking is so difficult, exhausting and you know you are faking it. I constantly self-doubt. I was a high achiever as well. Several uni degrees from different countries even. But that felt like the only thing I could control and was ever good at and it hurts. I see people being married, in relationships, tons of friends and family to care about them. And then there is me watching from the outside asking myself what I have done to deserve not getting any of it. No normal life for me although I try so hard to fit in. Makes me feel like a failure in life and not much I can do about it.

I am tired of life. Why is it so difficult? Others can do it without even trying. I try so hard and fail at everything other than academic achievements. I want to be allowed to be myself without constantly masking to even coexist in society. It feels like a constant battle I can´t win.

I thought I have been doing well for myself. Well paying full time job I was good at. Till the system broke me. I worked more than others because it was needed. High success rates. The students and many teachers loved me (My last job was school counsellor). Got bullied by some of my coworkers when I was nothing but kind to them. I got fired after a work place accident and injury because I ended up with lasting walking impairment. They were not willing to adapt to a disabled employee. I just got kicked out. I lost all strength and hope. I am done trying to fit in. The system broke me. I don´t want to work anywhere else. I loved it there and fought so hard. Done fighting. It won´t get better no matter what I do or don´t do. I will never fit in and be able to have the life I want to have and I fail to comprehend why. Turning 40 this summer. It doesn't matter for how much longer I stick around. I have spent my entire life trying and waiting for a change. There is nothing more to be done and I am weak. Even to weak to ctb. I have lost my job and my best friend. He was my rock, my shelter. My everything. Gone. I´m left behind. Named a star after him.

Same. I hate how human society itself is contingent on stress and pressure. Why must it be like this? Anyways, it doesn't work well for me. I get stressed out easily and crack under pressure (when it gets too much for me)

I have learnt to take a lot and just endure and hang in. For what? Many people would describe me as one of the kindest people they know and too good for this world. They might be right. I am not cut out for this. For life. Life is pain, exhausting, constant suffering and disappointment. Somebody send me the manual please. I am also tired just to exist to serve a purpose, because I am needed and help everyone like freaking Mother Theresa. I obviously can´t help it and can´t help myself. I have saved myself, failing to save myself.

Stay strong my friends if you can. We can´t all be failures or errors of nature, right? Right?

All in all yes, ASD and its impact on my pitiful existence is the main reason I just want out. I am an alien to this world waiting for the mothership to come pick me back up because I have served my time. It never came. They probably abandoned me as well for reasons I don´t know.

 

[WhenTheyCry]

When some people find out you have autism, they'll intentionally try to give you a meltdown by overloading your senses. They have no guilt in exploiting your vulnerability, they in fact enjoy it like hyenas.

Autism is why I'm a hiki-NEET, no one will bother me for being autistic if I stay alone in my room.

 

[sp1rlfern]

Like everyone has an inside joke that you are not part of. Everyone knows something but won't tell you what, yet expects you to somehow figure it out on your own. So like very intense alienation from everyone, sometimes to the point where you deny yourself the right to claim yourself as "human being".

Every single thing is too much. Colors are too bright, or not the correct tone, sounds too loud and sudden, textures too scratchy and off…. and so on.

Everyone calls you childish or creepy because you are unable to be the way they see other people.
You are called childish because you are sensitive and sometimes a bit too emotional, which is considered "whiny". You are called weird because you are too off-putting, too cold, unresponsive, emotionally quite numb. Neurotypical people do not like these qualities. They always believe you are this way on purpose. Why? Maybe they believe you are that way to avoid responsibilities, maybe they believe you are an awful person. But you cannot help it. You never chose to be that way. It usually works as a copying mechanism to everything being "too much" or "too off". So you cope by either opening yourself up - freely like children usually are, or closing yourself completely off.

These are just some things. My own experience of course, so not the same for everyone. There are a lot of other aspects but honestly quite difficult to explain (special interest - very obsessive over a topic, meltdowns/shutdowns, other mental health problems and so on).

Yes, it surely does affect your want to CTB. You are very isolated from everyone and everything after all. People make fun of you for not understanding what comes naturally to them- usually due to different way of thinking. The pattern-searching ability many autistic people present makes it difficult to make your head work "right". You see things and make connections others are completely unaware of. They call you stupid or weird because of it. Many autistic people will self harm due to all of this. Too much of everything (sensory stuff, emotions, stares, expectations - from others; for you to understand what they don't say) will cause you to do that. No wonder you'd want to CTB.