I don't understand autism

[wildflowers1996]

It's something I want to be able to understand better but I don't

I've done a lot of reading on it - things like sensory issues, needing a routine, difficulty understanding social cues, being literal, increased attention to detail, having a special interest, I feel I can understand

but I feel like there is more to it than that? A lot of people here seem to say it makes their lives extremely difficult, but I feel I don't fully understand

I know someone who I used to be very close with, who was recently diagnosed with autism, and she says things like "I care about people but I can't ask if they are okay" "I can't meet the needs of others" - she says she finds talking with people exhausting but we used to talk all the time and she never seemed to find it tiring then - I guess she finds it too tiring now she has relationships with other people, she can't keep up contact with me too, it's too much...

but she says things like "I miss you so much" then will ignore me and say she can't open my messages due to "executive dysfunction"/anxiety and I don't know if that's because of autism or not because she never seemed to have this problem in the past with me so I'm confused by the mixed messages. It's like sometimes I'm important to her and sometimes she forgets I exist

I can also tell she's having a hard time and is struggling by things she posts online but I don't know how to help because I feel she doesn't seem able to/want to communicate

 

[lack]

i think she's likely dealing with autistic burnout.

i feel like everything you described is like how someone might describe me. I've been stuck in very bad, debilitating burnout for the last four years or so. I've always struggled with it, but it's become absolutely impossible lately. I feel like such a shitty friend. i feel like I have no friends. I do have friends, but I have no idea how to communicate with them or whatever.

If she feels anything like I do, then she genuinely really does miss you, but it's just thst she's struggling terribly with literally everything. please have patience and don't give up on your friendship with her.

 

[wildflowers1996]

i think she's likely dealing with autistic burnout.

i feel like everything you described is like how someone might describe me. I've been stuck in very bad, debilitating burnout for the last four years or so. I've always struggled with it, but it's become absolutely impossible lately. I feel like such a shitty friend. i feel like I have no friends. I do have friends, but I have no idea how to communicate with them or whatever.

If she feels anything like I do, then she genuinely really does miss you, but it's just thst she's struggling terribly with literally everything. please have patience and don't give up on your friendship with her.

thank you for your reply, I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope things are easier for you soon

is there anything that you feel I could do to help?

 

[lack]

thank you for your reply

is there anything that you feel I could do to help?

potentially maybe inquiring how you can help her to meet her needs, if there's anything you could do to help herself, or anything like that. otherwise, just genuine heartfelt reassurance as well as giving space and being patient, i suppose. those things certainly couldn't hurt, i don't think.

but if course, everyone is uniquely individual and despite our intentions and desires sometimes there isn't anything we can do to support people no matter how much we care about them

 

[Throwawayacc3]

From my experience and what I've read - when we have a problem - we don't want to be disturbed/bothered. I've done what your friend did (in the past) where I'd say "ok see you later" and just left because I couldn't take the small talk for a long time and especially in groups.

However I've not said to anyone "I miss you so much" or anything along those lines. Conversation will just turn into fact based phrases "last time I saw you was at XYZ event where you did this" it's just going into my memory banks and reliving that exact moment.

Another factor:

How Men and Women Experience Autism Differently

Five ways in which male and female autism differs.

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's okay. There are limits to what you are able to understand as there are with every experience or attribute we don't personally have.

Could be that her behavior isn't entirely a function of autism. In any case directness is the bread and butter of autism so if you want to talk to her about your confusion that would be the way to go.

 

[halleyscomet]

It's something I want to be able to understand better but I don't

I've done a lot of reading on it - things like sensory issues, needing a routine, difficulty understanding social cues, being literal, increased attention to detail, having a special interest, I feel I can understand

but I feel like there is more to it than that? A lot of people here seem to say it makes their lives extremely difficult, but I feel I don't fully understand

I know someone who I used to be very close with, who was recently diagnosed with autism, and she says things like "I care about people but I can't ask if they are okay" "I can't meet the needs of others" - she says she finds talking with people exhausting but we used to talk all the time and she never seemed to find it tiring then - I guess she finds it too tiring now she has relationships with other people, she can't keep up contact with me too, it's too much...

but she says things like "I miss you so much" then will ignore me and say she can't open my messages due to "executive dysfunction"/anxiety and I don't know if that's because of autism or not because she never seemed to have this problem in the past with me so I'm confused by the mixed messages. It's like sometimes I'm important to her and sometimes she forgets I exist

I can also tell she's having a hard time and is struggling by things she posts online but I don't know how to help because I feel she doesn't seem able to/want to communicate

as an autistic person here is how i would explain why autism is difficult to live with:

you see autism isn't just a basic disorder or illness, it's a neurodevelopmental disorder. this means that not only are you born with it but it effects every aspect of how your brain is wired, how you learn, how you grow, how you think, how you feel. autism effects EVERYTHING.

i would describe it like a computer. everyone seems to be running on windows, but you're stuck on mac os with a crappier cpu & ram.

it's like there's this gap between you & non autistics, not ever really being able to close that gap. it makes you feel inadequate, stupid and hopeless.

because of this gap, because of this fundamental difference in functioning, it becomes difficult to exist in a world that wasn't made for you.

it's hard to brush your teeth, it's hard to talk it's hard to do much of anything sometimes, because the world, existence is too much sometimes.

when you are stressed, anxious, overwhelmed you can just push that down and move on right? autistic people don't have that privilege, when something happens no matter how minor it is it completely fucks us up, our brains do not have the ability to process it properly, it ruminates becoming all consuming and your brain and body just shut down. it's not a choice or an unhealthy coping mechanism, it is the reality of the disorder, it is a physiological response.

and it sucks, no autistic people wants to hurt the people around them due to this. and it sucks for you as well you have every right to feel frustrated too.

there's no cure either, or really any ways of getting help or support. it's something you're just stuck with, feeling alien for the rest of your life. the suicide rate for autistics is so high for a reason.

i can tell you really care for your friend and that's very nice to hear. the best thing you can do is keep trying and have your arms open for when they are ready to face you.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

There truly is more to autism than the things you read. Sure, the things you've read are true but what people tend to skip over is what it's actually like to live as an autistic person. The information nowadays seems to mainly focus on what it's like being the parent of an autistic child. If you want to know what it's like to live as an autistic person, you have to ask multiple people with autism. I say multiple people because autism is different from person to person and, whilst it's enough to ruin some people's lives such as mine, there are a few autistic people who aren't depressed or suicidal but these people are the minority of the minority.

In my case, autism has made my life hell because I never had a friend due to it and I struggle with dealing with the world's demands. For a neurotypical, the world's demands are okay but, for an autistic, it becomes significantly harder. I've been cursed with the wrong neurotype

 

[INTJme]

everyone seems to be running on windows, but you're stuck on mac os with a crappier cpu & ram.

Factually incorrect analogy but I think we get your point.

 

[Kit1]

I am autistic and am able to socialise - but I need days or weeks to get over any social interactions - especially face to face in a group setting. And I can become totally withdrawn where I will physically withdraw into a room, alone without any lights, noise etc and sit there till I am ready to face the world again - issues with sensory overload (noise, smell, touch etc). If I don't get that time out, it is a downward spiral to an overdose (though I do have complex PTSD and sometimes feelings, symptoms etc can overlap). I can also miss someone - but don't necessarily talk to that person for months or even years which some people I know struggle with. Also just find face to face interactions really tiring and I can be on a work teams meeting online (I don't switch on my camera unless I have to), but I also don't actually look at the person/people on teams and will have a conversation as though it was a phone conversation. But every autistic person is different.

I have worked in the same job for the past 24 years and the role involves safeguarding vulnerable clients and being able to help them. I have been told that Ibam good at my jobs and a lot of clients do seek me out when they need me and I love my job (moving to another role from next week) - but I do mask a lot and dissociate which helps me to be good at my job (I can switch off my personal challenges when working with someone vulnerable).., It can be difficult for NT people to understand autism as we can be so different - just like people who are NT.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

There is a guy I followed online somewhat who disclosed his ASD diagnosis and how it affected his work as an author. It didn't occur to me that he might be autistic but it makes sense in hindsight. This has happened 2 other times, where I have followed two men's stuff online only to my surprise to find a revelation of an ASD diagnosis on their part much later, both of which made sense in hindsight. I just am not one inclined to jump to the idea that someone is autistic or to connect the dots in that way if autism and mental health never enter the conversation.

The guy's name is Jonathan Edward Durham and you can find his public Facebook page where he posted about it yesterday.

 

[doomer843]

but I feel like there is more to it than that? A lot of people here seem to say it makes their lives extremely difficult, but I feel I don't fully understand

I have autism but it's not even close to my worst issue honestly. It interferes with daily life quite a bit but it's manageable.