Story What has led me here, and greetings for now

[dahliadreamscape444]

Hi there. Thanks for even clicking on this thread. Just being able to type here already makes me feel a bit less lonely. This is my first post here, so I wanted to use it to share a bit about myself and what has led me here. Even if you don't read this all the way through and leave here…it really means a lot.

For starters, you can call me Dahlia. It's not a name I've ever used in life or anywhere on the internet, and I absolutely adore it. I've just turned 26 (against my better wishes). My passions in life before everything went so fucking numb were music (I've played the trumpet most of my life and also sing), poetry, video games, and doing art.(I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm writing a bio for regular social media, please bear with me, I didn't know how else to start this exactly.)

I've been diagnosed depressed since I was 14 along with my anxiety/panic disorder, but I'm pretty sure it all started a lot earlier. Without giving too much personal stuff, I was adopted as an infant. The parents that adopted me are so much older than any of my friend's parents, and I was an only child. From the beginning I've been instilled with this constant overwhelming sensation of loneliness. I always had trouble making friends, and even as a small child I was deathly afraid of like being perceived?? For example I have this vivid memory of having to walk in to an arts and crafts thing with my mom, and I begged her to hold the big piece of poster paper because I thought me carrying it made me look funny…I was like 6 lol. Even when I did eventually have my friend groups and close connections in middle and high school, even college I was constantly reminded of a fact. That no matter how hard I tried to be a good person, to put myself out there "be myself", I would never be someone's favorite person, or true best friend.

I know it's the cliche "I'm never anyone's first choice" that you see plastered all over sad edits but it's literally the story of my life. I would make a friend and do everything I could to hold onto that connection, only for it to fizzle out. Plus, my brain literally hates itself, so even when I am out with a group, having a great time, all I can think about is "after this school year we'll never talk again, sure we're at dinner now but when you're feeling lonely later no one will care, everyone else likes each other more than they like you" so on and so forth. Literally the biggest self sabotage and I can't fucking stop myself.

To cycle it back to my parents, so because they were older and I was an only child and as now clearly stated socially awkward (I was just an anxious baby and no one cared lol) I spent so much time alone, with my thoughts. So much so that when I was with other people I was still trapped inside my head with my thoughts. And my thoughts are fucking mean and dark. Not to also sound cliche or poetic but I've constantly thought about death since I was a kid too. I remember if I related to a character enough in a movie I'd hope she would die so I could imagine it was me instead. I used to lucid dream a lot, and when I would realize I could control my dreams I would kill myself in my dreams. Usually by jumping off of something or drowning. And that started before I was really conscious of the concept of suicide, at least in the sense where it related to depression.

My relationship with my parents is complicated too. I won't say I was regularly physically abused, but I was hit enough and had things thrown at me so much that I still flinch to this day, and I overcompensate to try to please people to avoid having them yell at me and degrade me (although in the back of my mind I know my parents are more likely to do so than strangers). Dad was barely home because he was working, and when I went through puberty I admittedly took a lot of my teenage girl sarcasm and angst out on him. He didn't help his cause. I'm not going to go into details right now because he has since passed on, but he wasn't a saint to me either. My mom and I have a toxic relationship pretty much. I love her so much and I do everything in order to make her proud of me, even now, but all she does is berate me when I'm at my lowest and push me closer to the brink. I do still live with my mom for a few reasons. One is because after I graduated I worked abroad for a few years, another is she's still in control of my finances seeing as I'm not able to fully support myself yet, and it's just how my family is. My aunts who never married still live with my grandma, so it's kind of a cultural thing. Everything I have ever known is currently in this house. I have lived on my own for stretches of time and that doesn't improve my mindset at all on life, so I'm mainly including this as a disclaimer in case someone suggests I move out. I'm trapped either way.

Like many kids born in 2000 I had unfiltered access to the internet from my first iPod. From there, my spiral into suicidal ideation and self harm began. I only ever told my mom I wanted to kill myself once and she beat the shit out of me. I'm a world class bottler. I don't tell anyone anything, and I keep it all inside. I've had a few attempts and many relapses into cutting starting in my freshman year of high school. Mainly pills and hanging.

I'm going to start to wrap up my first post around here. Over the past two years I've been getting more numb, and desperate to actually go through and succeed with taking my life. I'm so fucking lonely. And now I'm here. Please, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm really feeling a bit calmer now for the first time in a while that I have a place to properly vent and connect with others who feel the same.
P.s if any actually reads this the whole way through I will cry tears of joy :')
♡Dahlia

 

[DriftingToOblivion]

Welcome, and please share here if there is anything others can do to help.

You are not alone. Believe me there are others struggling much as you.

 

[MatiSendiri]

Hi there. Thanks for even clicking on this thread. Just being able to type here already makes me feel a bit less lonely. This is my first post here, so I wanted to use it to share a bit about myself and what has led me here. Even if you don't read this all the way through and leave here…it really means a lot.

For starters, you can call me Dahlia. It's not a name I've ever used in life or anywhere on the internet, and I absolutely adore it. I've just turned 26 (against my better wishes). My passions in life before everything went so fucking numb were music (I've played the trumpet most of my life and also sing), poetry, video games, and doing art.(I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm writing a bio for regular social media, please bear with me, I didn't know how else to start this exactly.)

I've been diagnosed depressed since I was 14 along with my anxiety/panic disorder, but I'm pretty sure it all started a lot earlier. Without giving too much personal stuff, I was adopted as an infant. The parents that adopted me are so much older than any of my friend's parents, and I was an only child. From the beginning I've been instilled with this constant overwhelming sensation of loneliness. I always had trouble making friends, and even as a small child I was deathly afraid of like being perceived?? For example I have this vivid memory of having to walk in to an arts and crafts thing with my mom, and I begged her to hold the big piece of poster paper because I thought me carrying it made me look funny…I was like 6 lol. Even when I did eventually have my friend groups and close connections in middle and high school, even college I was constantly reminded of a fact. That no matter how hard I tried to be a good person, to put myself out there "be myself", I would never be someone's favorite person, or true best friend.

I know it's the cliche "I'm never anyone's first choice" that you see plastered all over sad edits but it's literally the story of my life. I would make a friend and do everything I could to hold onto that connection, only for it to fizzle out. Plus, my brain literally hates itself, so even when I am out with a group, having a great time, all I can think about is "after this school year we'll never talk again, sure we're at dinner now but when you're feeling lonely later no one will care, everyone else likes each other more than they like you" so on and so forth. Literally the biggest self sabotage and I can't fucking stop myself.

To cycle it back to my parents, so because they were older and I was an only child and as now clearly stated socially awkward (I was just an anxious baby and no one cared lol) I spent so much time alone, with my thoughts. So much so that when I was with other people I was still trapped inside my head with my thoughts. And my thoughts are fucking mean and dark. Not to also sound cliche or poetic but I've constantly thought about death since I was a kid too. I remember if I related to a character enough in a movie I'd hope she would die so I could imagine it was me instead. I used to lucid dream a lot, and when I would realize I could control my dreams I would kill myself in my dreams. Usually by jumping off of something or drowning. And that started before I was really conscious of the concept of suicide, at least in the sense where it related to depression.

My relationship with my parents is complicated too. I won't say I was regularly physically abused, but I was hit enough and had things thrown at me so much that I still flinch to this day, and I overcompensate to try to please people to avoid having them yell at me and degrade me (although in the back of my mind I know my parents are more likely to do so than strangers). Dad was barely home because he was working, and when I went through puberty I admittedly took a lot of my teenage girl sarcasm and angst out on him. He didn't help his cause. I'm not going to go into details right now because he has since passed on, but he wasn't a saint to me either. My mom and I have a toxic relationship pretty much. I love her so much and I do everything in order to make her proud of me, even now, but all she does is berate me when I'm at my lowest and push me closer to the brink. I do still live with my mom for a few reasons. One is because after I graduated I worked abroad for a few years, another is she's still in control of my finances seeing as I'm not able to fully support myself yet, and it's just how my family is. My aunts who never married still live with my grandma, so it's kind of a cultural thing. Everything I have ever known is currently in this house. I have lived on my own for stretches of time and that doesn't improve my mindset at all on life, so I'm mainly including this as a disclaimer in case someone suggests I move out. I'm trapped either way.

Like many kids born in 2000 I had unfiltered access to the internet from my first iPod. From there, my spiral into suicidal ideation and self harm began. I only ever told my mom I wanted to kill myself once and she beat the shit out of me. I'm a world class bottler. I don't tell anyone anything, and I keep it all inside. I've had a few attempts and many relapses into cutting starting in my freshman year of high school. Mainly pills and hanging.

I'm going to start to wrap up my first post around here. Over the past two years I've been getting more numb, and desperate to actually go through and succeed with taking my life. I'm so fucking lonely. And now I'm here. Please, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm really feeling a bit calmer now for the first time in a while that I have a place to properly vent and connect with others who feel the same.
P.s if any actually reads this the whole way through I will cry tears of joy :')
♡Dahlia

Hi Dahlia!

First of all, welcome to SS. I hope you enjoy your stay here.

Second of all, I'm really sorry about your experience. I hope everything goes better for you right now. Sending virtual hugs from me

Third of all, I really suggest you use this forum as any other forum. If you have ideas about CTB, you can research them around in this forum. If you did not, then you can use this forum to vent and share about your problems.

That's all, cheers mate

 

[darksouls]

hi Dahlia,
thank you for sharing your story,
you are welcome to this community,
I hope you can find some peace

 

[imagonner]

Hi there. Thanks for even clicking on this thread. Just being able to type here already makes me feel a bit less lonely. This is my first post here, so I wanted to use it to share a bit about myself and what has led me here. Even if you don't read this all the way through and leave here…it really means a lot.

For starters, you can call me Dahlia. It's not a name I've ever used in life or anywhere on the internet, and I absolutely adore it. I've just turned 26 (against my better wishes). My passions in life before everything went so fucking numb were music (I've played the trumpet most of my life and also sing), poetry, video games, and doing art.(I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm writing a bio for regular social media, please bear with me, I didn't know how else to start this exactly.)

I've been diagnosed depressed since I was 14 along with my anxiety/panic disorder, but I'm pretty sure it all started a lot earlier. Without giving too much personal stuff, I was adopted as an infant. The parents that adopted me are so much older than any of my friend's parents, and I was an only child. From the beginning I've been instilled with this constant overwhelming sensation of loneliness. I always had trouble making friends, and even as a small child I was deathly afraid of like being perceived?? For example I have this vivid memory of having to walk in to an arts and crafts thing with my mom, and I begged her to hold the big piece of poster paper because I thought me carrying it made me look funny…I was like 6 lol. Even when I did eventually have my friend groups and close connections in middle and high school, even college I was constantly reminded of a fact. That no matter how hard I tried to be a good person, to put myself out there "be myself", I would never be someone's favorite person, or true best friend.

I know it's the cliche "I'm never anyone's first choice" that you see plastered all over sad edits but it's literally the story of my life. I would make a friend and do everything I could to hold onto that connection, only for it to fizzle out. Plus, my brain literally hates itself, so even when I am out with a group, having a great time, all I can think about is "after this school year we'll never talk again, sure we're at dinner now but when you're feeling lonely later no one will care, everyone else likes each other more than they like you" so on and so forth. Literally the biggest self sabotage and I can't fucking stop myself.

To cycle it back to my parents, so because they were older and I was an only child and as now clearly stated socially awkward (I was just an anxious baby and no one cared lol) I spent so much time alone, with my thoughts. So much so that when I was with other people I was still trapped inside my head with my thoughts. And my thoughts are fucking mean and dark. Not to also sound cliche or poetic but I've constantly thought about death since I was a kid too. I remember if I related to a character enough in a movie I'd hope she would die so I could imagine it was me instead. I used to lucid dream a lot, and when I would realize I could control my dreams I would kill myself in my dreams. Usually by jumping off of something or drowning. And that started before I was really conscious of the concept of suicide, at least in the sense where it related to depression.

My relationship with my parents is complicated too. I won't say I was regularly physically abused, but I was hit enough and had things thrown at me so much that I still flinch to this day, and I overcompensate to try to please people to avoid having them yell at me and degrade me (although in the back of my mind I know my parents are more likely to do so than strangers). Dad was barely home because he was working, and when I went through puberty I admittedly took a lot of my teenage girl sarcasm and angst out on him. He didn't help his cause. I'm not going to go into details right now because he has since passed on, but he wasn't a saint to me either. My mom and I have a toxic relationship pretty much. I love her so much and I do everything in order to make her proud of me, even now, but all she does is berate me when I'm at my lowest and push me closer to the brink. I do still live with my mom for a few reasons. One is because after I graduated I worked abroad for a few years, another is she's still in control of my finances seeing as I'm not able to fully support myself yet, and it's just how my family is. My aunts who never married still live with my grandma, so it's kind of a cultural thing. Everything I have ever known is currently in this house. I have lived on my own for stretches of time and that doesn't improve my mindset at all on life, so I'm mainly including this as a disclaimer in case someone suggests I move out. I'm trapped either way.

Like many kids born in 2000 I had unfiltered access to the internet from my first iPod. From there, my spiral into suicidal ideation and self harm began. I only ever told my mom I wanted to kill myself once and she beat the shit out of me. I'm a world class bottler. I don't tell anyone anything, and I keep it all inside. I've had a few attempts and many relapses into cutting starting in my freshman year of high school. Mainly pills and hanging.

I'm going to start to wrap up my first post around here. Over the past two years I've been getting more numb, and desperate to actually go through and succeed with taking my life. I'm so fucking lonely. And now I'm here. Please, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm really feeling a bit calmer now for the first time in a while that I have a place to properly vent and connect with others who feel the same.
P.s if any actually reads this the whole way through I will cry tears of joy :')
♡Dahlia

i feel you. ive also always felt like im not anyones choice, friendships fizzle out, no matter how hard i try, im never good enough for anybody. it hurts so much to live like this and its the main reason i want to kill myself. if only there was just one person in this world who would think to pick up the phone and ask me how my days been, but no such luck, ever. so i also end up spending most of my time alone with my dark thoughts...at least you are not alone in that, if its any comfort...

 

[ZwartHartje]

Hi Dahlia, and welcome here. I understand you well too. I've had a lonely childhood and life, my mother had me involuntarily committed twice and by brute force when I was a child, at ages 11 and then 13. I felt like she wanted me dead and gone in a sense - not physically dead. But in her mind she had an imaginary daughter whom she loved, and that wasn't me, I was only her daughter's "mental illness". It was never said but I know she was hoping that the psychiatrists could somehow "remove me" so that her "real" (imaginary) daughter could live in my body instead. Needless to say, I've never been mentally ill really, but only a loner and a misfit, and severely bullied.
None of this is my reason to be here at this point though. I did find close friendship and belonging with members of a different species - until they all got murdered. That's my reason why.
I did read your entire post - of course. I hope you'll feel less lonely here with us.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Hi there. Thanks for even clicking on this thread. Just being able to type here already makes me feel a bit less lonely. This is my first post here, so I wanted to use it to share a bit about myself and what has led me here. Even if you don't read this all the way through and leave here…it really means a lot.

For starters, you can call me Dahlia. It's not a name I've ever used in life or anywhere on the internet, and I absolutely adore it. I've just turned 26 (against my better wishes). My passions in life before everything went so fucking numb were music (I've played the trumpet most of my life and also sing), poetry, video games, and doing art.(I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm writing a bio for regular social media, please bear with me, I didn't know how else to start this exactly.)

I've been diagnosed depressed since I was 14 along with my anxiety/panic disorder, but I'm pretty sure it all started a lot earlier. Without giving too much personal stuff, I was adopted as an infant. The parents that adopted me are so much older than any of my friend's parents, and I was an only child. From the beginning I've been instilled with this constant overwhelming sensation of loneliness. I always had trouble making friends, and even as a small child I was deathly afraid of like being perceived?? For example I have this vivid memory of having to walk in to an arts and crafts thing with my mom, and I begged her to hold the big piece of poster paper because I thought me carrying it made me look funny…I was like 6 lol. Even when I did eventually have my friend groups and close connections in middle and high school, even college I was constantly reminded of a fact. That no matter how hard I tried to be a good person, to put myself out there "be myself", I would never be someone's favorite person, or true best friend.

I know it's the cliche "I'm never anyone's first choice" that you see plastered all over sad edits but it's literally the story of my life. I would make a friend and do everything I could to hold onto that connection, only for it to fizzle out. Plus, my brain literally hates itself, so even when I am out with a group, having a great time, all I can think about is "after this school year we'll never talk again, sure we're at dinner now but when you're feeling lonely later no one will care, everyone else likes each other more than they like you" so on and so forth. Literally the biggest self sabotage and I can't fucking stop myself.

To cycle it back to my parents, so because they were older and I was an only child and as now clearly stated socially awkward (I was just an anxious baby and no one cared lol) I spent so much time alone, with my thoughts. So much so that when I was with other people I was still trapped inside my head with my thoughts. And my thoughts are fucking mean and dark. Not to also sound cliche or poetic but I've constantly thought about death since I was a kid too. I remember if I related to a character enough in a movie I'd hope she would die so I could imagine it was me instead. I used to lucid dream a lot, and when I would realize I could control my dreams I would kill myself in my dreams. Usually by jumping off of something or drowning. And that started before I was really conscious of the concept of suicide, at least in the sense where it related to depression.

My relationship with my parents is complicated too. I won't say I was regularly physically abused, but I was hit enough and had things thrown at me so much that I still flinch to this day, and I overcompensate to try to please people to avoid having them yell at me and degrade me (although in the back of my mind I know my parents are more likely to do so than strangers). Dad was barely home because he was working, and when I went through puberty I admittedly took a lot of my teenage girl sarcasm and angst out on him. He didn't help his cause. I'm not going to go into details right now because he has since passed on, but he wasn't a saint to me either. My mom and I have a toxic relationship pretty much. I love her so much and I do everything in order to make her proud of me, even now, but all she does is berate me when I'm at my lowest and push me closer to the brink. I do still live with my mom for a few reasons. One is because after I graduated I worked abroad for a few years, another is she's still in control of my finances seeing as I'm not able to fully support myself yet, and it's just how my family is. My aunts who never married still live with my grandma, so it's kind of a cultural thing. Everything I have ever known is currently in this house. I have lived on my own for stretches of time and that doesn't improve my mindset at all on life, so I'm mainly including this as a disclaimer in case someone suggests I move out. I'm trapped either way.

Like many kids born in 2000 I had unfiltered access to the internet from my first iPod. From there, my spiral into suicidal ideation and self harm began. I only ever told my mom I wanted to kill myself once and she beat the shit out of me. I'm a world class bottler. I don't tell anyone anything, and I keep it all inside. I've had a few attempts and many relapses into cutting starting in my freshman year of high school. Mainly pills and hanging.

I'm going to start to wrap up my first post around here. Over the past two years I've been getting more numb, and desperate to actually go through and succeed with taking my life. I'm so fucking lonely. And now I'm here. Please, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm really feeling a bit calmer now for the first time in a while that I have a place to properly vent and connect with others who feel the same.
P.s if any actually reads this the whole way through I will cry tears of joy :')
♡Dahlia

Welcome dear. You are a strong person. I'm not even 1% of you.. I'm so sorry that you have had to face so much. If i had to face all this, i don't know what i would have done. I'm proud of you more power to you.
Welcome to the most caring and loving community. Feel free to drop in the chat if you want to discuss anything. I specialise in power of the mind as i have done lots of experiments.. So i can guide with that if that can help you out..

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Hello Dahlia!

Welcome to SaSu

 

[dahliadreamscape444]

Welcome, and please share here if there is anything others can do to help.

You are not alone. Believe me there are others struggling much as you.

Thank you so much for being my first reply. It's really great to not feel so alone after so long :)

Hi Dahlia!

First of all, welcome to SS. I hope you enjoy your stay here.

Second of all, I'm really sorry about your experience. I hope everything goes better for you right now. Sending virtual hugs from me

Third of all, I really suggest you use this forum as any other forum. If you have ideas about CTB, you can research them around in this forum. If you did not, then you can use this forum to vent and share about your problems.

That's all, cheers mate

Thank you so much. I'll definitely be here to vent and hopefully be able to contribute to the community

i feel you. ive also always felt like im not anyones choice, friendships fizzle out, no matter how hard i try, im never good enough for anybody. it hurts so much to live like this and its the main reason i want to kill myself. if only there was just one person in this world who would think to pick up the phone and ask me how my days been, but no such luck, ever. so i also end up spending most of my time alone with my dark thoughts...at least you are not alone in that, if its any comfort...

I relate so much to this. I feel like I'm the one who's always checking in on other people and no one is checking in on me. Every conversation I have has fizzled because they never kept up their side either. I miss having someone just to chat with about random things. You are also not alone in this. I'm glad we've connected and thank you for being here

Hi Dahlia, and welcome here. I understand you well too. I've had a lonely childhood and life, my mother had me involuntarily committed twice and by brute force when I was a child, at ages 11 and then 13. I felt like she wanted me dead and gone in a sense - not physically dead. But in her mind she had an imaginary daughter whom she loved, and that wasn't me, I was only her daughter's "mental illness". It was never said but I know she was hoping that the psychiatrists could somehow "remove me" so that her "real" (imaginary) daughter could live in my body instead. Needless to say, I've never been mentally ill really, but only a loner and a misfit, and severely bullied.
None of this is my reason to be here at this point though. I did find close friendship and belonging with members of a different species - until they all got murdered. That's my reason why.
I did read your entire post - of course. I hope you'll feel less lonely here with us.

Firstly I want to say thank you. I was having a pretty bad breakdown earlier and briefly logged onto the site but I wasn't able to properly read replies, just a quick swipe. Through my tears seeing the words 'I did read your entire post' gave me such an enormous relief in that moment and it did make me feel so much less alone. You truly helped me today just by acknowledging me here :') and now I've gotten the chance to sit down and read your full response. I can see we relate to each other very well and I'm sorry that life has dealt you such a hand to take away those that mattered to you so much. Sending you so much love

Welcome dear. You are a strong person. I'm not even 1% of you.. I'm so sorry that you have had to face so much. If i had to face all this, i don't know what i would have done. I'm proud of you more power to you.
Welcome to the most caring and loving community. Feel free to drop in the chat if you want to discuss anything. I specialise in power of the mind as i have done lots of experiments.. So i can guide with that if that can help you out..

Thank you so much for these such kind words. I've never heard anyone tell me I'm strong for what I've been through, only that I'm a crybaby, or lazy, so hearing this really helps me. You are strong too, your kindness and warmth is a big strength

 

[ZwartHartje]

Firstly I want to say thank you. I was having a pretty bad breakdown earlier and briefly logged onto the site but I wasn't able to properly read replies, just a quick swipe. Through my tears seeing the words 'I did read your entire post' gave me such an enormous relief in that moment and it did make me feel so much less alone. You truly helped me today just by acknowledging me here :') and now I've gotten the chance to sit down and read your full response. I can see we relate to each other very well and I'm sorry that life has dealt you such a hand to take away those that mattered to you so much. Sending you so much love

Thank you, and sending you much love too! I hope you're feeling better now, and no more breakdowns. It's good to feel less alone at least. Myself I'm certainly socially awkward too, it comes naturally with being always alone. But myself I don't care much what people may think of me and tend to boldly stand by my opinions, even unpopular ones - which got me permanently banned from Facebook, lol. That may sound like I can be quite harsh, but it's really only when it comes to how humans treat other species and the Earth in general. I love Nature and find some comfort in it.
If you'd like to talk, I'm here! <3