Venting Verge of tears

[lostinthecha0s]

I have this feeling of defeat when I'm just trying to get thought my day. I've had two job interviews this week that went very well and may result in offers, yet I'm sitting here, irrationally, feeling like I want to curl into a ball and sob my eyes out. There's a pit in my stomach I haven't felt since I was a kid and it makes me want to throw myself on the floor and wail. I can only assume this feeling is defeat because that's when I usually feel when I feel a fraction of this way but I just want to cry and cry until I'm physically unable to.

Why does my brain make me feel like this? Why? Why can't I just feel happy and calm.

 

[Luchs]

Maybe there really is just something in our brain and when it snaps a person's spirit is just broken, dooming them to wither away. I can never be happy or proud of anything. I know I will fail because I have always been a failure. Continuing to exist is a futile struggle, maybe I should just accept my fate and lie down to starve and decompose. Maybe it was over before it ever began.

If something good comes of the job interviews, do you think it'll make you feel better or worse?

 

[lostinthecha0s]

Maybe there really is just something in our brain and when it snaps a person's spirit is just broken, dooming them to wither away. I can never be happy or proud of anything. I know I will fail because I have always been a failure. Continuing to exist is a futile struggle, maybe I should just accept my fate and lie down to starve and decompose. Maybe it was over before it ever began.

I feel this incredibly. My life was ruined from the start due to my emotionally and physically abusive mother. Now no matter what I feel just as useless and small as that child cowering in the corner in fear.

If something good comes of the job interviews, do you think it'll make you feel better or worse?

Honestly I don't know. I feel like the smiths song heaven knows I'm miserable. Like yeah not having a job sucks and makes me feel worthless. Having a job also sucks and makes me feel worthless. At least I'd feel incrementally better with a job because I would feel like a financial burden on my partner but at the same time the dread of driving, showing up to a class full of students watching me, the responsibility of education and client safety. The anxiety makes me sick.

 

[Luchs]

Honestly I don't know. I feel like the smiths song heaven knows I'm miserable. Like yeah not having a job sucks and makes me feel worthless. Having a job also sucks and makes me feel worthless. At least I'd feel incrementally better with a job because I would feel like a financial burden on my partner but at the same time the dread of driving, showing up to a class full of students watching me, the responsibility of education and client safety. The anxiety makes me sick.

I remember that with my last job I held I at least sort of had a feeling of purpose. That was the nice part, but whenever I made mistakes it felt 10 times worse because they also affect other people. I'm in a weird way happy when I make fuck ups that only affect me, because I deserve to suffer for my own incompetence, but if it involves other people I feel horrible. I have no clue how major or minor many of my mistakes were, even the tiniest slip-up was a testament to my worthlessness and inferiority towards my coworkers.
But I don't want to poison your outlook and linger on the bad stuff, the good was really good. Having someone tell me for the first time in my life that they actually NEED me for something with sincerity was an insane high.