Discussion what do you blame for your choice to CTB

[Somewhat Suicidal]

do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

both. monocausal explanations all share one truth: they are wrong.
circumstances can be helpful or detrimental, your coping mechanisms can be helpful or detrimental. Usually a combination of those 2 being detrimental is what brings us where we are here.

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life?

I think there's not benefit in blaming anything or anyone in general, except for explanatory purposes

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other?

Bad and good are subjective. But regarding feelings, probably some very widely acknowledged bads and goods exist, true (being abandoned = bad; finding love = good). One has no or at least less meaning without the other, I would agree. In my example at least the bad can't even exist without the good.

do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

Both. see below.

i blame my disorder, as it's literally the thing making me want to do it. i've had some bad stuff happen, sure, but i don't think i would be pushed to the point of ctb/thoughts of ctb if i didn't have a worm in brain making that the go-to solution. i guess that counts as blaming just the circumstances. i don't blame my parents (i'm not sure if my depression is in any way genetic), or my past abusers, or really anyone, including myself. other stuff makes me sad or angry, but the only thing making me want to kill myself is major depressive disorder. it can't be helped, and it's just how it is.

same. the inability to deal with shit that results from that major depression taking hold more and more over the years despite me fighting it. Some straight up unlucky circumstances I had nothing to do with also worked to my detriment in making it worse. Some bad decisions on my part also did for sure.

A bad set of circumstances over time. It really bothers me how even in my struggles people close to me were saying it was my choices and decisions that led me to be where I'm at today, but no this is not entirely true, I swear things just kept going wrong, until all the bad twists converged with me ending up with a weird/bad life that I should not be living. So what is responsible for my considering death as a solution is really just one thing after another going against favor of what would've benefited me in this life. People who haven't had a series of unfortunate events do not understand. I was perfectly fine, generally capable, overall mentally stable, and crap went haywire anyway

I absolutely feel this. I've tried so many variants getting back on the horse the last 10 years and nothing that worked for other people seems to work for me. For some reason what is supposed to work always goes wrong in some stupid way it doesn't for others. Idk if im too stupid to realize how I affected some of those things, but some of them I really didn't, they were just really bad luck. Even one of my long term therapists and doctors said this to me at some point...

quiting smoking weed after long term use, has brought me into deep anxiety, fear

Somewhat similar for me. While not making stuff better really it did at least stop me from realising how shit everything was and enabled me to do more of the stuff to make it better. Now I'm entirely paralyzed and not able to do anything pretty much. I did get my weed via private prescription even after my psychiatrist said maybe I should just try that after countless SSRIs did nothing.

i wouldn't inherently dislike living if these circumstances were changeable but they aren't.

Same. But apparently they just aren't for me.

 

[endlesschatter]

To life and some morons who were jealous

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

5 to 10 single men per single women. I have no value

 

[Scenegirlshooter]

Csa and familial abuse. lack of friends and basically now being emotionless due to trauma.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

My parents first and foremost for birthing me. Dad is a giant asshole loser that can't even afford extracurriculars for his children. Mom is a dumbass for settling for him and not know her worth. Lots of shit happen later in life lol. Never got to be a proper child so now I'm forever be in arrested development. Now I'm on my journey to make peace and accept that I won't amount to the great things I want me to be, and that's okay. We all die at the end and no one would remember any of this bullshit

 

[MakinItHappen111]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. But personally I wish I was gay. Unfortunately I'm just a dinosaur that should have gone extinct decades ago when women moved away from interest in dating and relationships to their careers (as they have every right to do so). Biology unfortunately just never kept up so now you have like 5 to 10 guys competing for 1 woman. And at best I'm average. Just look at the male loneliness epidemic and incel numbers.

Say is it loneliness from being gay that's bothering you? Have you tried a munch? That's where I met my gay friend (I'm straight) and he has connections to partners and parties I can't even imagine through munches.

brutal man, i hope you get some luck in dating.

 

[SleepyCanet]

Mainly my brain and the ammount of neuroticism and complicated patterns it pulls up on me, the main reason I wanna CTB is because I think I developed some sort of PTSD after a severe bout of insomnia and later 2 psychotic episodes, they resolved but now I am stuck replaying and looping those memories over and over. It doesn't help I am now diagnosed with a bunch of shit, one of them being OCD which always forces me to have absolutely nasty and unpleasant thoughts and convince me that there is no way out ever and the worst case scenario will happen everytime, and that I shouldn't hope for anything.
On the other hand I can't completely brush over my backround, I have some trauma from my childhood and also highschool, meaning my personality is fucked, rejection hurts and so on.
I think I used to have a normal life and then those 2 months of nightmare totally sent me into being that one person that just hates existence and human anatomy. I don't see a reason anymore, I'd be okay with losing everything but I was in such pain and existing for me is riskt, I am doing more of a prevention suicide so I NEVER, have to even think if experiencing that again

 

[kunikuzushi]

i blame this existence. being born as a human that craves love and connection, but humans are naturally selfish and will hurt and betray you. it's a cruel joke. and when you get badly hurt as a child, it turns you basically unlovable. so you're just stuck begging for love your whole life, only to be betrayed again and again.

 

[CopingWithSenility]

suicide is my answer to my own failures. but when the world in general is the failing one, is it still my fault for not being able to withstand it?

sometimes I can perceive "life" as some sort of an abusive partner, that when you finally decide to leave,
one, the fault isn't with them, but with you for not being strong enough to withstand them. "not being able to deal well with circumstances"
two, the fault isn't with them, but with your own actions that provoked their reactions. "making natural mistakes and facing their consequences"

when do my actions stop being the reason for my suicide, and when do I start blaming natural circumstances?
do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life? or should I accept that we both are killing each other? and killing each other is the purpose?

is death a natural response to birth, and an inevitable or more a necessary occurrence in the natural course of all there is?

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other? so fighting the bad is just as irrelevant as chasing the good?

so whether you love or hate life, whether you kill yourself or die naturally, everything will all end and begin the same..
and maybe just maybe our drive to chase the good and fight the bad has no beginning or end, and its how it will always be, no victory or defeat, just as infinite as the universe seems to be.

if any of this makes sense,
if you share similar thoughts or this feels like something to you? what do you think and feel about it?
do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

I fully blame myself for everything in my life. My mental illness has completely claimed me, I cannot function properly and have constantly disappointed everyone around me. I am very immature, and unfathomably indecisive, and it has led to constant mistake after mistake that has ruined me. I believe that maybe if I had been born more "normal", I would have been able to live a far more regular life, and wouldn't have failed everyone I know and everyone who has cared for me. But I have tried my best to play the cards I was given and failed, and I will finally rest after CTB.

 

[TimeTraveling4]

Myself and my failures to achieve a better life for myself. I effectively fucked up my future and there's no point in continuing life like this.