Discussion What did you make consider ctb?

[CypherB]

I'm feeling really strange about this. First of all I am feeling relief because I can finally tell my story and how I fell without being judged but at the same time I feel ridicolous after seeing the reasons other people want to commit CTB on this website. So I'm 19 and my story begun like 5 years ago.

I just began high school and I didn't have many friends and I suffered many years for that and for consequential bullying. After some time I managed to surround myself with some friends and there was a girl I was particulary attracted to. So, the years started to pass and after three years, I woke up one day and found out that my best friend got with that girl. Obviously, that's a thing that happened to many people and it's not my reason.

The real problems started to begin right then. In fact I was the best friend of that girl and obviously of the other guy and I always saw them and I was always invited with them. I really felt some true feelings for her and seeing them like this for a year without the possibility of doing or saying anything to better my situation made me fell in a state of constant sadness. Here I won't say that I was depressed cause I just want to tell my story and I'm not searching for empathy but for a year I wasn't able to smile or to enjoy things like before.

After some time things started to get better, I started making some new friends and I started enjoying little things like before. And then I met a girl and long story short, after a year we got together. My life was doing great in that moment and I had almost recovered from everything but suddenly one night she broke up with me and now it's been two years and the depression and sadness I'm feeling is way worse than the previous one. I've tried everything (she doesn't want to get back with me obviously) including going to therapy but nothing. I wake up every morning without the will to even eat. I rarely sleep (like I get 3-4 hours of sleep a day) and I can't eat regulary. Some days I don't even eat and this situation has become unsustainable for me. The psychiatrist doesn't work and after hearing that she will maybe get with one of my best friends, I slowly started to think about ctb. Obviously it's not all for her, I was in a bad state even before but this is what completely finished me.

So, yeah that's my story and it probably looks like nothing compared to others. To whoever reads this, what did you make to think about committing ctb?
Sorry for my english :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course I want to ctb as it's perfectly logical wanting to escape from all unnecessary suffering in this nightmarish world where there's unlimited potential for torture. Existing is so replusive and unappealing so I think it makes sense to want to be free from everything as in the ideal state of non-existence there are no problems, instead everything is forgotten about.

There's just no point to existing and existing is completely futile, enduring existence just leads to more meaningless suffering where we are destined for nothing but to decay from age which sounds so horrific to me and die anyway. Existing certainly isn't for me, it doesn't appeal to me and I could never be delusional enough to wish to delay the inevitable and risk experiencing even worse suffering at any moment, in fact I've never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of being gone. Existence in itself is the true problem and I see existence as being a cruel mistake, I so wish I never existed at all.

 

[Kasumi]

It doesn't look like nothing if it affects your life so much that you feel like you'd rather die.
Depression is often hard to understand as the disabling illness it can be, maybe because it gets confused with feeling depressed, or whatever idk.

As for me, it's too hard to write down everything in an understandable way, but ig you could sum it up as me having some mental illnesses / disorders as well.
It's like this since many years and then there is my environment that makes it impossible to get better.
I'm unable to live a normal life like this, even if I wouldn't mind the way it makes me feel.
The funny thing is that I probably could live a normal life with access to the right health care and a better environment.
If I can get that will determine if I'll live on or if I'll ctb.

 

[neurotic]

I read your story and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. How you trusted her, how she drug you back down with all the progress you've made, is genuinely tragic. I understand completely and I'm so sorry.
Somewhat of the same situation made me consider, being cheated on even though I give him everything I had. In some ways I've never recovered. I hope your situation improves.

 

[Kasumi]

I read your story and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. How you trusted her, how she drug you back down with all the progress you've made, is genuinely tragic. I understand completely and I'm so sorry.
Somewhat of the same situation made me consider, being cheated on even though I give him everything I had. In some ways I've never recovered. I hope your situation improves.

Those kinds of stories make it even harder for me to understand the appeal of a romantic relationship..
My friend too got into one relationship after the other and they never worked out, although not all were bad there were also pretty nasty ones...
It just makes me think that I'm more comfortable being with my besties, cause at least they won't cheat on me or otherwise betray me.

 

[neurotic]

Those kinds of stories make it even harder for me to understand the appeal of a romantic relationship..
My friend too got into one relationship after the other and they never worked out, although not all were bad there were also pretty nasty ones...
It just makes me think that I'm more comfortable being with my besties, cause at least they won't cheat on me or otherwise betray me.

Oh my god I know. I just feel like I can't help it some times when my body tells me I need this boy. It always ends so bad for me, but then the next one promises they'll be different and I fall for the spell again. It's just all so tiring knowing there's people out there who have the same experiences and loyalty I have I can't find. I feel like I can have the same amount of fun with my closest friends, but in my experience you can only get so close with someone who's just a friend, especially intimately.

 

[Kasumi]

Oh my god I know. I just feel like I can't help it some times when my body tells me I need this boy. It always ends so bad for me, but then the next one promises they'll be different and I fall for the spell again. It's just all so tiring knowing there's people out there who have the same experiences and loyalty I have I can't find. I feel like I can have the same amount of fun with my closest friends, but in my experience you can only get so close with someone who's just a friend, especially intimately.

yea, probably, at some point they'd not really be your friend anymore and more like a romantic partner and that might create its own share of problems.
Not to mention you'd probably find yourself missing your relationship as friends.

So for me, I just wanna stay away from romantic relationships for that reason, I feel like it makes things more complicated one or the other way and at the end I'll probably end up getting hurt.

 

[Homulily]

girl i wanted to marry left me for someone else.
lots of abusive realationships.
i am stuck in life and unable to find a job, even though im doing my best.
all my friends are moving on in life and im struggling to just make it through a single day. meanwhile they're all getting in relationships and doing really well and i feel like I have fallen behind.
I get very frequent intrusive thoughts reminding me of mistakes i've made, they make me twitch and scream sometimes, I hate them.

 

[wanderingspirit]

It doesn't look like nothing if it affects your life so much that you feel like you'd rather die.
Depression is often hard to understand as the disabling illness it can be, maybe because it gets confused with feeling depressed, or whatever idk.

As for me, it's too hard to write down everything in an understandable way, but ig you could sum it up as me having some mental illnesses / disorders as well.
It's like this since many years and then there is my environment that makes it impossible to get better.
I'm unable to live a normal life like this, even if I wouldn't mind the way it makes me feel.
The funny thing is that I probably could live a normal life with access to the right health care and a better environment.
If I can get that will determine if I'll live on or if I'll ctb.

I feel you it was pretty hard for me last year may i ask you if you still have the intention to ctb?

 

[CypherB]

I read your story and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. How you trusted her, how she drug you back down with all the progress you've made, is genuinely tragic. I understand completely and I'm so sorry.
Somewhat of the same situation made me consider, being cheated on even though I give him everything I had. In some ways I've never recovered. I hope your situation improves.

Thank you for your words. The story is obviously longer but I had to summarise it. That girl is not the sole reason for my will for ctb but right now the only thought of seeing her with someone elese makes me literally throw up. Thank you anyways :)

girl i wanted to marry left me for someone else.
lots of abusive realationships.
i am stuck in life and unable to find a job, even though im doing my best.
all my friends are moving on in life and im struggling to just make it through a single day. meanwhile they're all getting in relationships and doing really well and i feel like I have fallen behind.
I get very frequent intrusive thoughts reminding me of mistakes i've made, they make me twitch and scream sometimes, I hate them.

The problem is that my life isn't that bad, i have friends who care about me, health (not mental) and I am doing great in my carreer. But I was in a bad state before, with that girl i almost recovered but now I'm completey destroyed and I don't really care about anything not even food. It's not her fault, I can't tell her who to love but yes that thing literally tore me apart. I completely feel you about the intrusive thoughts, they are terrible

 

[wanderingspirit]

Thank you for your words. The story is obviously longer but I had to summarise it. That girl is not the sole reason for my will for ctb but right now the only thought of seeing her with someone elese makes me literally throw up. Thank you anyways :)

The problem is that my life isn't that bad, i have friends who care about me, health (not mental) and I am doing great in my carreer. But I was in a bad state before, with that girl i almost recovered but now I'm completey destroyed and I don't really care about anything not even food. It's not her fault, I can't tell her who to love but yes that thing literally tore me apart. I completely feel you about the intrusive thoughts, they are terrible

Bro you have to let it go she did it is not the end of the world she wasn't the one for you it doesn't mean you should give up on everything because of a one girl who is clearly a terrible person please try to see the bigger picture there are literally billions of other girls you just have to wait for the right one to show up there might be unsuccessful relationships but they should only guide you to seek for better ones and to trust yourself not want to ctb because of a one girl who cheated on you

 

[Failure21]

I have a similar reason. I had basically no friends in high school and because of that I felt hopeless but I managed to get a second chance and I made a ton of friends in college and met a girl that I am still madly in love with. But I managed to completely ruin that. I have no friends anymore with most of my friends blocking me, including the girl I still love. It's only been a year for me but I still can't get over how everyone I once knew all hate me despite my efforts to apologize. I still feel angry, sad and miserable every day despite the time. I don't know how to make new friends but even if I did there would be no point. They'd hate me at some point eventually and then I'd be back to square one.

Add on the fact that I have no job prospects whatsoever, I have nothing but misery in store for me so I might as well ctb now instead of slowly dieing of misery

 

[lostininjury]

Had a good run of taking care of myself and trying to accomplish my goal furtheringmy education. Unfortunately after a neck injury, my body feels like it's coming undone. Everyday my body gets worse and doctors don't listen to me when i try to explain what's going on. Every treatment they have prescribed has made things worse and they choose to ignore that fact. I basically want to ctb before the worst comes which I feel is pretty soon.

 

[CypherB]

Bro you have to let it go she did it is not the end of the world she wasn't the one for you it doesn't mean you should give up on everything because of a one girl who is clearly a terrible person please try to see the bigger picture there are literally billions of other girls you just have to wait for the right one to show up there might be unsuccessful relationships but they should only guide you to seek for better ones and to trust yourself not want to ctb because of a one girl who cheated on you

No bro se didn't cheat on me it just ended really bad. But I'm not willing to ctb because of her, she is not at fault. I was in a bad state before that and I suffered for those things way before. But then I had some hope that it could go better but the way it ended was the thing that destroyed me. It has been 2 years now and this time I couldn't recover by all these things together. I tried the psychiatrist but it doesn't work at all. Hope that it is more clear my story now

 

[charlotte_]

I'm really sorry you went through that. You deserve way better friends. Your story might be different but it matters all the same. Hopefully you'll find what you need some day :)
As for me, there are many factors. I suffered from several mental illnesses that makes my life unbearable. I've gotten in many kinds of things before - bullying, isolation, break ups (in friendship), failure, abuse, ect. They affected me more than I'd like to admit and as a result, I can't function normally in a life constantly moving forward. But I'm still trying out ways to get better.

 

[CypherB]

I'm really sorry you went through that. You deserve way better friends. Your story might be different but it matters all the same. Hopefully you'll find what you need some day :)
As for me, there are many factors. I suffered from several mental illnesses that makes my life unbearable. I've gotten in many kinds of things before - bullying, isolation, break ups (in friendship), failure, abuse, ect. They affected me more than I'd like to admit and as a result, I can't function normally in a life constantly moving forward. But I'm still trying out ways to get better.

My friends are great for me and they care too much about me and that's one of the things holding me back. But anyways, thank you for your kind words

 

[Dayrain]

and doctors don't listen to me when i try to explain what's going on

Unfortunately this is common and very cruel. Your feelings are valid.