Forced to change.

[princexhhn]

I am transgender (ftm) and queer
When I was dating my ex boyfriend, he knew this from the start. He was fine with it, until about 8 months into the relationship he just suddenly doesn't want me to be trans and queer. No matter how many times I tried explaining it was quite literally impossible for me not to be, he said I just wasn't doing it because I didn't love him and that if I didn't do it he'd leave me. He said it's because it was "hard for him" and that I'm "perfect to be a girl" because i wore dresses and skirts. Over and over, I try to explain that changing my actual identity is harder than anything HE has to go through trying to "accept" me saying he just can't "accept" that I didn't see myself as a girl but I guess that point never got through his thick fucking skull because he is SUCH a victim who thinks his problems are bigger than everyone else's and that he's soooo "misunderstood" and that nobody will understand him cause he's suchhhhh a tormented crushed soul who has the biggest problems in the entire earth. (This is sarcasm, obviously. No words in the english language will ever help me truly cement how unbelievable stupid and self centered he is.)
Don't know who the fuck he thinks he is trying to do that to me, making me do all that over the biggest most pathetic loser in my university that everyone hates.

Anyway, now that he's gone I get to be myself again. I spent like, what? 4 months after that just pretending to be a "normal girl" (exact words he used btw, what a bitch) and pretending like being called by my deadname and having she/her used on me doesn't make me wanna throw up with dysphoria.

Has anyone else been through something similar? I'd like to hear your stories

 

[LunarLight]

When I transitioned, many of my friends/partners were taken aback and disrespectful. Lost almost all of them...

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I haven't changed anything nearly so drastic as you are. I have a lot of respect for the decision you've made to be yourself. I have made some minor changes to my personality largely to do with not being a silent doormat and asserting myself. Just that tiny change in my identity was enough to throw most people out of my orbit. People by and large are caught up in their own narratives. My input is just that I want to say your boyfriend sounds heterosexual and unable to understand an experience outside of his own. I think you should find a man who is attracted to men, which you are. You do not need a "partner" who is going to try to convince you that your lived experience is different from reality.

Having made whatever small and not particularly relevant changes I have and having noticed that some people can and some people can't keep up with change in others, and sometimes other people have their own emotions tied in to your identity--this partner of yours is going to do you a lot of harm. Get away, please find somebody to validate you. No more skirts and dresses and no more "you're perfect as a girl". You're perfect as the person you actually are, thank you.

 

[princexhhn]

When I transitioned, many of my friends/partners were taken aback and disrespectful. Lost almost all of them...

That sucks to hear, hope you are alright now.

I haven't changed anything nearly so drastic as you are. I have a lot of respect for the decision you've made to be yourself. I have made some minor changes to my personality largely to do with not being a silent doormat and asserting myself. Just that tiny change in my identity was enough to throw most people out of my orbit. People by and large are caught up in their own narratives. My input is just that I want to say your boyfriend sounds heterosexual and unable to understand an experience outside of his own. I think you should find a man who is attracted to men, which you are. You do not need a "partner" who is going to try to convince you that your lived experience is different from reality.

Having made whatever small and not particularly relevant changes I have and having noticed that some people can and some people can't keep up with change in others, and sometimes other people have their own emotions tied in to your identity--this partner of yours is going to do you a lot of harm. Get away, please find somebody to validate you. No more skirts and dresses and no more "you're perfect as a girl". You're perfect as the person you actually are, thank you.

Well the guy did tell me he does like men, but I think you are right. I already told him I was trans from the start, so his outburst made even less sense. I said it to him so that I could give him the opportunity to leave if he wanted to while it was still early, but he made the conscious decision to stay. I think he said it late so that he can make sure I actually do what he wanted me to. He probably thought he was doing me some sort of favor, making me "normal". These kind of guys really think they own the world.

I am alright now since I've already left this guy, but I do appreciate what you are saying and am also happy for you that you have changed in a way you wanted. Safe to say, I won't be making this mistake again

 

[LunarLight]

That sucks to hear, hope you are alright now.

Well, if I'm here, it's because I'm not alright I have at least my partner who respects me, but everyone around misgenders me, even in my local LGBT+ association.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

That sucks to hear, hope you are alright now.

Well the guy did tell me he does like men, but I think you are right. I already told him I was trans from the start, so his outburst made even less sense. I said it to him so that I could give him the opportunity to leave if he wanted to while it was still early, but he made the conscious decision to stay. I think he said it late so that he can make sure I actually do what he wanted me to. He probably thought he was doing me some sort of favor, making me "normal". These kind of guys really think they own the world.

I am alright now since I've already left this guy, but I do appreciate what you are saying and am also happy for you that you have changed in a way you wanted. Safe to say, I won't be making this mistake again

Good for you! Making the world proud. Thanks for something happy to read today

 

[princexhhn]

Well, if I'm here, it's because I'm not alright

Oh.. well, I mean, you are right lol.

I have at least my partner who respects me, but everyone around misgenders me, even in my local LGBT+ association.

So is the life of a trans person, all the years I spent already out I've noticed we've got it a little harder since the concept of transgender isn't accepted as much (not to undermine our brothers and sisters in the community, just an observation). I'm glad you found someone though, and hope you can find ways to deal with it. Personally, I just started ignoring it cause they never change. Anyone who doesn't respect who you are doesn't respect you.

 

[LunarLight]

So is the life of a trans person, all the years I spent already out I've noticed we've got it a little harder since the concept of transgender isn't accepted as much (not to undermine our brothers and sisters in the community, just an observation). I'm glad you found someone though, and hope you can find ways to deal with it. Personally, I just started ignoring it cause they never change. Anyone who doesn't respect who you are doesn't respect you.

Yeah... but I feel so fucking lonely. Even in so-called queer spaces.

 

[princexhhn]

Yeah... but I feel so fucking lonely. Even in so-called queer spaces.

Yeah I never fit in with those spaces either. Maybe try joining spaces for your interests instead, that might help.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Are there any transgender authors perhaps

Books can offer human connection beyond the boundaries of time--who is alive or dead. By contributing to the body of literature you could also communicate with the future.

 

[LunarLight]

Yeah I never fit in with those spaces either. Maybe try joining spaces for your interests instead, that might help.

They don't respect me either. It's pointless.

 

[princexhhn]

Are there any transgender authors perhaps

Books can offer human connection beyond the boundaries of time--who is alive or dead. By contributing to the body of literature you could also communicate with the future.

There are probably a lot, but I have not heard of any. I only know that J.K. Rowling is a transphobe, LOL. I think your input can be helpful to @LunarLight

 

[Jorms_McGander]

There are probably a lot, but I have not heard of any. I only know that J.K. Rowling is a transphobe, LOL. I think your input can be helpful to @LunarLight

Lmfao no we don't love Rowling

 

[princexhhn]

Lmfao no we don't love Rowling

agreed, she even donates to transphobic organizations… ew

 

[LunarLight]

Yeah, I read a lot of trans authors. Doesn't change anything to the fact that in the outside world I'm fucking alone.