Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Griever]

Spoiler: ⚠️ NSFW ⚠️

I'd like to hurt myself so badly until I bleed to death

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Empty. Not really depressed, but just empty. You'd think, with my exams nearly done, and the fact I have another BF, I'd be happy, but no. It's just so tiring. Everything. I feel like a complete failure. I stopped using this site because I wanted to recover, but, looking back on my old messages from a year ago, nothing has changed. I've made no real advances. I've done some exams, read some books, and started learning Russian, but everything else is static, unchanging. Fuck me. Nothing changes. Why even bother going on? I can't make friends, people piss me off, and humanity is a cancer in every possible way. They're insufferable cunts not worthy of the air they breathe, and they are ruining the planet. Not only that, but they can't leave me the fuck alone, no matter how much I tell them I want to be left alone, to do what I want, unmolested.
I'm a complete failure, honestly. I have no talents, I'm bad at everything I try, I'm deeply unlikeable, and seem to be frozen in time. Everyone is better than me. Always have been. Always will.
I want it to stop, but I just can't make myself do it. It's a hell on earth. Not bad enough to die, not good enough to live.

"Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom"
-- T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men

 

[Dejected 55]

In love/obsessed with someone that I cannot have. I would never find someone like that again. I never thought I'd find someone like him. A part of me wants to hold him one more time. Whoever gets to love him is so lucky. I annoy him. Is it bad that even if he has someone else I'd still dedicate myself to him? Toxic I know. I accept him no matter what. Just to be in his company is beautiful. I feel tired. Tired because I can't be the one.

This hit me hard tonight... because it's exactly what I'm experiencing, as a man in love with a woman who just ignores me. I had given up 20+ years ago on finding anyone, never having had a relationship in my life at all... and then I meet her a couple of years ago and we got along and she was friendly and kind to me and it has been nothing but a nightmare since I first told her I liked her a year ago.

I know she wasn't seeing anyone last year, but I haven't seen or spoken with her for a year so for all I know she met someone in the meantime and that breaks my heart even more than being unable to talk to her or be with her does already. I've never met anyone like her and likely would not again even if I didn't have to die soon.

So, tonight I am feeling especially broken and ignored and unloved and devastated because I know my time is running out and she doesn't appear to care about me at all but I love her and I don't know what to do.

 

[Griever]

I'm so tired of being tired

 

[supremacyofdeath]

Frustrated. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I hate this planet and I hate humanity

 

[CutToRelease]

I have a headache. My limbs hurt and feel heavy. I'm a poorly maneuver puppet who feels lile I'm not even in my body right now. I would cut my self right now but I just cant bring my self to move at this very moment.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, my dad is in jail right now so that's fucking great! The last time I saw him, he was drinking alcohol out of a water bottle, and he clearly wasn't sober. He was happy at least. I'm not going to say what he got arrested for since I'm not comfortable sharing that information. Now my suicidal ideation is starting to get worse again, and I am finding myself wanting to go back to cutting, but I can't because my parents know about it, so now I can't cut deep like I want to. I'm probably going to just go back to hitting myself until I leave bruises again. He called me from jail yesterday, and he says he should hopefully be able to get out, which I hope is the case. I hate being alive. I hate all of this. I just want it to end.

 

[kotonearisato]

Yesterday was awful and I don't know how to keep going after that. I haven't felt that out of control in so long that I don't remember how to get past it anymore. I woke up this morning crying, I'm so exhausted. How do I always manage to make something small and insignificant into some seven hour long mental breakdown?

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I have to be there for everyone, I have to be perfect. I have to reply every message, to take care of every friendship, to always to my best.

Because people say I'm good.

But if I'm good, why did it happen? Why did life kick me down like this after having kicked me down so many times already? I waited for years to meet someone to love only to be replaced, I dedicated myself for years to a dream that just kept breaking down.

I'm tired. I've given up. The inner child in me was raped by life. And yet all people care about is me moving on. Why? Because they'll miss me, because they need me. God. And what about my happiness, about my hopes, and dreams? What about my ex, what about how fucking disappointing it was to live abroad and be subjected to racism by people who had half your qualifications but could ruin your life with a single signature just because they're white? What about all the love I finally got to share that has now turned into a nightmare and paralyzes me from even opening Facebook?

No. I have to be there for everyone, I have to be perfect. And something as simple as taking sleeping pills is already a reason for fucking drama to my family because I have to be there for everyone and I have to be perfect. Because I'm good. But being good is good for fucking nothing and it's what got me here.

I just wish I had the courage to kill myself. But I have to be there for everyone, I have to be perfect.

That's life. Something you HAVE to do. And fuck you for thinking or feeling otherwise because you should just move on and live with that. Beautiful gift, life, yeah.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

Stab me, kill me, take me away (￣^￣)ゞ

I'm always at my limit, and yet my body carries on still

 

[The Unanswered Q]

Lobotomised, can't remember what happened even just a few minutes ago.

 

[wham311]

Walking poison. Glued to the same spot on the couch for 7 months. Unimaginably brutal 50 years to go. Hated, abused. Physically and emotionally and mentally. Terror.

For everyone.

Deserved. I have fucked absolutely everything up.

Please help me escape.

No one will.

These days pass so slow. Too dumb to escape.

I miss my friends. I miss being a person. I miss having things to do. I just want out.

 

[Griever]

I had a spider in my room and then I killed it and flushed it down the toilet, but I'm afraid there might be more spiders in my room, so I'm going to search every corner of my room for spiders and if I find any, I'll kill them and flush them down the toilet so I can sleep peacefully at night, I'm afraid of spiders

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

I'm a complete failure. Another exam today. I'm not sure if I did well. But I'm a failure. I have no talents. I'm bad at everything, really. I'm bad at Chess. I can't write anything of value. I can't do anything.
I hate people. Was in the car, trying to read a book. Couldn't focus. No one shuts the fuck up. It's to tiring. I just want to be left alone, in my own little world. But no, I have to deal with other peoples shit that I never asked for. It's not like they were saying anything of value. Why do I care, why does anyone care for that matter, if this or that building has changed since the last time you saw it, or w/e? Fuck humanity. A bunch of wretched cunts is what they are.

 

[matchalavendercake]

why the FUCK is this website loading so fucking SLOW of all times???? anyways i'm in so much physical pain right now like omfg please end my suffering my stomach has been hurting so fucking bad for the past few hours and i'm scared i might end up throwing up oh no my stomach hasn't feel this bad since december last year and i had to get emergency hospitalized that time bcs i became nauseous dizzy and nearly passed out oh please i hope i won't fucking throw up this time and i rlly don't wnna get hospitalized again fuck fuck fuck why just why i was already suffering enough i hate this so fucking much i hate this i hate this i hate this

 

[Seaghost]

I don't wanna hear the world!

 

[Dejected 55]

Broken and alone. Emotionally, spiritually shattered. Not just lonely in the traditional sense, but lonely specifically right now in a way I've never been before because I'm not just alone, but I've met and spent the last year trying to court the person I believe I was meant to find in this world and now have to accept that I could not succeed. I have never wanted to not exist more than right now in this moment as I type this last period.

 

[Unhumanly.]

i cannot sleep yesterday

 

[wham311]

My life is absolutely surreal. Movie. But an awful one.

 

[Griever]

Everything hurts, mentally and physically

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Another exam done. This is the big one. It's on a subject I care a lot about. But I'm fucked, I know it. I'm such a failure. If I have to redo these exams, I will shoot myself. I mean it. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm not a complete mouth breathing idiot, according to others. I don't trust them. I mean it. I really don't trust them. I can't trust them, to be honest: everyone I trust fucks me over in some way, so why should I trust them on this, even if they can provide all of this supposed evidence. How do I know they aren't lying, eh? If I have to redo this, I will shoot myself, because it will mean that I have nothing (nada, nihil) going for me, and thus am just a true waste of space.
Why me, God? What the fuck did I do to you?

 

[malia]

I feel like shit, nothing make sense in my life. It's like a neverending struggle.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Just going to vent a bit about some stupid shit

I'm honestly tired of people, particularly women, who try to frame sexual violence as being just an inherent aspect of womanhood. That is one, not true, and, two, ends up unintentionally making women who have never experienced things like that before feel like their womanhood has been invalidated. I remember seeing a reblogged post on Tumblr a few years back with a bunch of plus-size women talking about how they dislike rhetoric similar to shit like this because they can't relate to those kinds of experiences and how it made them feel lesser than as women. You also have that one post on here from that user talking about the same thing, about how this framing of womanhood makes them feel like less of a woman because they never experienced sexual violence or harassment before.

Shit like this treats sexual violence as a sort of christening into womanhood. It is disgusting. I don't hate feminism or anything, but sometimes feminists just give me such a fucking headache. So often they fail to realize that the experiences of women cannot be generalized and that a lot of women experience sexism differently from one another. Sometimes, it feels like they don't even give a shit about fighting systematic oppression and just want to revel in their victimhood.

A lot of the time I feel uncomfortable in many feminist spaces due to them largely centering around white women and their experiences. They spend their time blaming everything on men, not realizing that even women can be perpetrators and uphold the patriarchal structure of our society as well. They will invalidate the experiences of other women who don't experience sexism in the same ways they do. They talk down to women of colour and sometimes even partake in acts of discrimination against us (masculinizing and sexualizing black women, adultifying brown and dark-skinned girls, infantilizing Asian women, fetishizing and dehumanizing young mixed-race girls, etc). They will treat womanhood as this narrow set of experiences that supposedly all women go through rather than something that varies a lot from person to person, even centring their movement around certain biological processes and experiences that some women, especially those who might be trans or intersex, cannot relate to. They refuse to hold up a mirror and talk about how gender roles and expectations can also lead to women getting away with shit that harms others as well, especially when it comes to SA and abuse. Hell, I could go onto an entire rant about how the patriarchy also impacts men negatively in some capacity as well, especially in the case of men of colour and queer men, and even when it comes to cis-het white dudes as well. Yet, some of these women are unwilling to even have this kind of conversation, wanting to instead uphold this sort of white-and-black view of things despite it being detrimental.

They also refuse to talk about how some cis-het white women use their position in society to further instigate discrimination against other women (along with other marginalized groups), willingly aligning themselves with the patriarchy because of its direct relationship with other forms of discrimination. Even if they end up suffering a bit for it, they still get to have more power over others and thus are willing to team up with it.

The way how they go about feminism is so surface-level and narrow to the point where I sometimes question why I even bother with the movement.

 

[Caffeineaddiction]

Hungry and tired. I have no sadness, hapiness or anger inside of me. I just feel empty, and am waiting for an end.

 

[wham311]

I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I am being dragged through time and existence and it's going to get so bad. The only thing that gets me through it is researching ways to die and telling myself I deserve this.

I will have the worst life in the history of existence

I could end this but I just can't fucking do it.

My heart breaks constantly because im surrounded by those I've unforgivably damaged, but they don't know it yet.


I don't want a friend, I want it to be a year ago when I had a life, or 50 years from now when I'm non exiatent. I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. My own terrible decisions have led me to this point. There will be no fucking happiness for the rest of my life and these are consequences of being a reckless degenerate fucking idiot. Yes I was born with a terrible hand genetically, but I made my own choices.

I don't want to fucking rot but I can't do anything about it. Sitting next to my dog who will be imprisoned or euthanized when everything goes down. I'll think of her every day.

This could all be over with if I just order the fucking fent and take it. But I'm a recluse now, terrified by how I look, and too scared of fucking it up and doing it wrong, and of death. So a lifetime of torture it is.


Somebody please help me for the love of god

 

[kotonearisato]

I'm so sick of my body. I'm so so so sick of being in pain. Today wasn't difficult, I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, and yet my whole body aches. My muscles are sore like the way they feel when you have a fever and all my joints feel awful. I have a headache, been nauseous all day, and I'm so tired but know I won't be able to sleep because when can I??? I can stay up for 36 hours without falling asleep if I don't force myself for hours. Would I be in less pain if I could sleep more than 5 hours a night? I have no idea because I haven't slept more than 6 since I was in elementary school!! I don't even know what I did to anger my body this time. I remembered to eat all my meals, I didn't push myself cleaning, I've been drinking enough water, and I'm not sick. So why!!!

I know why. It just seems so... unfair?? I already had a rough enough childhood, so why did I also get stuck with an incurable genetic condition on top of it all? I would really just like to go a single day without being in pain. I hate this.

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel so empty and so lost. I look around but it feels like I am deep in a cave and what I'm seeing with my eyes is from a distance and through a fog through two holes I see at the opening of the cave and nothing I see makes sense. I hear echos that seem to make sense to others around me but just sounds like nonsense to me. I want to be held and loved and seen and heard, but I have none of those things. I don't even fully understand what those things could be since I have never experienced them truly.

Memories of things I used to enjoy are distant ones that barely connect anymore. I still connect to sadness I see in others, or when I see others being happy it makes me sad for myself. Nothing brings me joy. Everything becomes a task that I have to do until I don't care about it anymore.

I do not even know how to relax or tune out. I am isolated and I tune out the noise and the news of the day, but I still hear things, still see things. I can't escape from the horrible reality around me, the reality that I can't enjoy or identify with or understand, can just observe and try to understand but never able to do so.

I can't even complete this thought, because I am so empty inside.

 

[NSA]

I need to get off my ass. I'm still here and this is not how I want to be.

 

[cececinderella]

Very dull. Gonna do my skincare routine and hopefully feel better

 

[Griever]

I don't want to go out anymore and just stay in my bed because I'm so disappointed with the world out there