Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[CTB Dream]

Rly awfl this me no know wat do rly trap

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I feel discouraged and stupid. There's just no way to ctb that is easy enough for me to do.

Also, I have major cramps right now and this really pisses me off and gets me to rant because I knew when I was 16 I didn't want kids so why the hell do I have to go through this shit every month?

Sorry if that's TMI

 

[Laurentj]

dithering lights and flickering lives i fret not when it comes to doing for the rest but when it comes to my time that i rest my eyes are weary but also paradoxically heavy why must i simply weigh the right or wrong when inherently ive brokered over my choices without rhyme or reason and simply for the sake of fun

 

[Tuonetar_]

god I really do not want to leave the house today

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

To be honest, excited for the first time in a long time. Just joined and feel like I found like-minded people. In general, also empty, in a dark, removed space on autopilot. Going through everyday motions emotionless. Seeing the end as an option to the overwhelming nothingness.

 

[CTB Dream]

Sffr pain no end alws dtriort

 

[CTB Dream]

This wrld rly awfl, wt do this rlyy trap

 

[soledad.virgen]

restless towards my own emptiness, i just want to be improve myself in some way and make myself happy but everything leaves me cold and i know deep down im always gonna feel like this

 

[ChaiTea]

i want to skin myself and have everything i'm feeling finally be understood. it's like my bones are filled with something i can't describe nor can anyone else understand

 

[sick.faery]

old and sad. today is my bday :((( i failed an attempt two days ago, i should have done better then i wouldnt have aged up

 

[ben_]

Like a train or something. I won't wander off of my rails. I'll only be doing what I've been doing for ages and what I know so well. Same deeds. Same guilt. Today will not be exceptional.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

hope??? and its bordering on wishful thinking, but maybe i can still get somewhere. someone really cares about me and thats fucking crazy. i feel like in walking on air

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have another physical therapy appointment in about 5 and a half hours, hopefully the last one. I have yet to actually open the exercises or stretches that I was given to do. Homework for PE sounds like one of the worst things imaginable to me since it combines two of the things I hated most about school. I wish exercise actually helped me like it's apparently supposed to. And this was about ten years ago while I was in my early 20s! That's supposed to be the peak of my body condition! I must be a broken piece of shit because it just doesn't work for me. I always end up eating all the weight I lose back and I never stop feeling sore. I literally went to the gym for over six months: three times a week for about five hours each. I did weightlifting, swimming, the bicycle thing, and the treadmill but none of it worked and I never got the so-called endorphin rush that everyone loves to purport. It feels so idiotic that everyone insists that exercise is the answer to everything when it really hasn't been for me. Even with my current job where I at least get paid for my physical activity, I don't feel any better from doing it and I highly doubt there have been any improvements to my health either so what the hell is so wrong with me? Is it because I just don't care enough about it? Why does the solution to everything always have to be about caring enough or believing hard enough like we all somehow have the power to make Santa Claus and fairytales real just by wishing for it? Oh if only it were so easy.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I am super exhausted with life and with living in general. I'm so behind on university work because doing it all is just so overwhelming for me. I'm so scared of the future because I know I will end up failing my university studies which in turn will cause my parents to get extremely angry at me. Why do I have to work so much!? It's just so cruel and unfair. I can't stand any of it and I've been on SS all day instead of actually studying because thinking about it is just so overwhelming. I feel like I'm in freddy's nightmare or something and all I want is peace from this horrible, putrid, repulsive existence. Peace which I can only find in death and nothing else.

All of my unnecessary pain and suffering could be brought to a permanent cessation only if I could access a suicide method. Unfortunately, there isn't a single suicide method that I can access

 

[NoPoint2Life]

It's a rainy depressing Thanksgiving. It's just me and my parents. I just ate practically a whole pack of chewy chocolate chip cookies to make myself feel better.

 

[DorkyFox]

Defeated and wasted, tried of holding on knowing I'm always going to feel this way and remain broken for the rest of my existence here. Considering taking my life on the daily as there is no escape from this nightmare. I wish I could just got back in time and make sure bad things never happened. I hate myself for getting I injured, I hate myself for ruining everything

 

[outatime_85]

I am a light bulb nearing the end of its lifespan.

 

[savory]

I feel lonely. Im alone in the house now, it's quiet and getting dark out. I had bought some food to cook since I love a Thanksgiving meal, but don't feel like cooking. I will, though. Maybe put on some music. Hopefully I can find something good to watch tonight without too much scrolling.

 

[CTB Dream]

this me vege potat no end pain sffr no able do any

 

[kitkat9234]

Depressed. Alone. Angry that I'm still here. Frustrated because there's no fool proof way to CTB and now I'm stuck living this miserable life with no way out.

 

[cicada6865]

Want to kill myself so badly, considering going out to get food to make myself eat

 

[Promised Heaven]

Really stressed and overwhelmed and casually suicidial.

It's not just because of my past, but because I see no future for myself. I only find happiness in videogames and weed and my retail job never will be enough for me to live on my own. Coworker worked there for 20 years and his salary is only $3 higher than me, I was here for a short few years. Raises are rare.

My unrealistic fantasy is that I want to have a wife and adopted children and live in a small town near an urban community where I can buy fresh produce and make vegetable dishes. I want to own a dog to walk in a park and get the love I put in them reflected back to me. I want my life to have some kind of meaning but I feel like a failure on all corners.

I want to be able to freely talk about my abuse, I want to be free. I can't be free physically. I want hope. Please I want hope. I'm not forced to end my life, it is my choosing, and I have it in thought for the endless amounts of suffering I have faced. Suicide is an option. It's not ideal, it's not the best option, and if there was hope, I'd encourage myself and others to take it.

But all I see is gloom, numbness, overwhelming emotions, and lack of a good future.

I don't want to die, but life isn't really giving me a reason not to take the action.

 

[render]

i think im about to give up having friends. every time i feel like i get close to someone i can't help but be overcome with the fear that they secretly hate me, they hate me and they're just keeping me around to watch me embarrass myself. its happened with every single person every single time. the nightmares have advanced to it being real. one time i dreamt that a friend posted a long paragraph rant about every reason why he hated me and when i joined he and two of my other friends went " ohhhhhhhhh hey rend........" and it felt too real. it felt all too real. i have dreams where im being cornered into a group call and being berated or being told that no one in the friend group actually likes me and i need to leave. i can't handle the slightest interaction anymore because i read it as a threat or something backhanded. i can tell based off the vibes. im scared of everything and everyone and i want peace more than anything else in the world. im scared to fall asleep because every time i do the nightmares come back and the days get worse and the nightmares come back and the days get worse

i need someone to fillet me like a sockeye salmon. i wish i was dead so i wouldnt have to deal with this anymore

i need to stop letting my guard down. i always do. i cant trust anyone anymore

 

[isolatedl111]

T

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Thinking about my suicide

 

[NoPoint2Life]

In the mornings, as I'm in the bathroom, doing my hair and brushing my teeth I have been obsessing lately over the inevitable death of my mother. It's going to be about two weeks more for us to find out if she has cancer. She already has a shit load of health problems and quite honestly I'm amazed she still alive. today I started thinking of questions to ask her about certain things to give away. I know I'm jumping the gun, but this has always been a fear of mine for when it actually happens. And then my father pops into my mind and I get really scared because of something happens to him who is the healthy one I am totally screwed. Then I'll have to care for my mother alone and he is the driver in the family. It's like I'm obsessed with death lately.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I had not so good months and a lot things happened. It hit me more than I thought. I'm not doing well at uni. I want to hurt myself. One person I know and really care almost CTB. When I wanted to write about this I felt pathetic and I still do. Maybe bc it seems like little problems. Maybe bc I always push everyone and big part of me don't want people to care about me and hate me. Even a part of my family I love.
I feel like an attention bitch now. But I don't know what to do anymore. Socializing never was easy for me (hate my autism and no social skills most of the time). Jeez, I'm so pitiable.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Feeling like there's no point to continue with this thing anymore.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

There's no place where I can genuinely say that I feel safe. I don't feel safe anywhere. Many users talk about how this site makes them feel safe but I don't feel safe here just as I don't feel safe anywhere else. This site isn't my home. Earth isn't my home. I am only meant for permanent non existence and nothing else. For as long as I am alive, I will always be terrified and be in absolute agony. Just like how somebody would feel terrified if they got told that they will be forced to die at all costs no matter what, I feel just as terrified (though I'd say that I feel more terrified) when people say that I will be forced to live no matter what

 

[TheHolySword]

Heartbroken. I shattered any chance I had at a good life. I think about her every day and what could have been. But this pain won. I am surrendering to the depression and the misery. I cannot and do not want to do this anymore. And I won't let anyone be part of it that doesn't have to be. I am broken and alone but it's how it had to be.

 

[pilotviolin]

a little bit afraid, dazed, ashamed, conflicted, confused, and lost to be honest. i dont know how to be. im in a very conflicting relationship at my work, im doing whatever the slowburn version is of a bender popping in and out of serotonin syndrome, i cant be with people or ill become overwhelmed from attention but im painfully lonely, im kind of going psychotic but also realising how i have been for years lowkey and not noticing or being self aware at all and the way i view and feel everything has actually fucked up a fair bit of my life, im not eating sleeping and barely functioning, i am confused and scared and feeling very alien and noticing how much i actually do not understand at all. im sure a few people will relate too but i feel like im living in a very different reality to most people brainwise. like if someone saw something clearly, i see it inverted, fucked up and mangled and it could be a sleeping fly. alot of the stories about mental health services im hearing from people i know and around are dastardly and i feel like im giving up figurative and more importantly literal control by admitting i need help anyways. i used to think most reality checks to and from myself were about not really being "mentally ill" and how im just choosing to not be normal but seriously the real reality check is even if i chose not to be in some twisted way, stuff isnt right and im not just making things up cause im messing up everything.