Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[author]

so fucking anxious. so tired. I don't know what to think when people don't respond to me. I'm talking to them on a phone call but they just don't say anything and I don't know what to do with that. Am I annoying you? Do you not like me? Fuck I just wanna get out of here. I hate this. I'm so broke.

 

[Kattt]

betrayed and violated. Good luck in everything you reach for.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Lazy and don't feel like grocery shopping at the moment.

Thats just mean!
Your links ain't working, maybe its just me. Stans guide?
Like giving one of us a gun with no bullets, or nitrate not nitrite.
Nyeh. Nyeh.

didn't sleep, came across the draft letter I wrote that partly instigated his suicide.
still feeling awful :: years later. Maybe cos I'm sober. Maybe cos I'm stupid.
and then that fucking heroin thread :: as dangerous as it is 4a guy like me, I want.
moody anxious miserable
playing with pitbulls to improve the miff feeling, got r.e.m blaring down the valley.
I'm not totally alone in this madness, thank u.
will be OK just 4 today.

 

[Maravillosa]

Lazy, tired, wistfully contemplating ctb.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I am starting to really dislike idle "chit-chat". It seems so artificial. Other people do not seem real; it feels like we are all actors in a boring drama, and we are reading the lines given to us. You are asked a question about how you are feeling, but cannot answer in any way other than to say that you are okay. You are asked about how your life is going, but cannot talk about your struggles. This really enrages me sometimes. What is the purpose of even holding these generic, repeated-every-day conversations when no genuine answers are allowed?

I had said to my sibling what I have posted here, and their response was: "They're just being polite. Idle conversation is a part of life. Deal with it."
But how can they be trying to be polite when they do not even think about what they are asking? I thought my sibling would understand, but it seems they have the same dismissive attitude as most of the "normies".

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Like crying.

 

[netrezven]

Mx:tomorrow i gonna do that last job, get it to an end and quit that shit, you drag me in. It's the last fuckin time. Gona say bye bye, i don't care about them. I was so close in just disappearing and going no contact. But it's gonna feel better to say NO personally. What can happen? Fuck'em. Give them some time till end of septembre. After that - they can fuck themselfes, all of them. It's already done, no going back, you know, ya:)

 

[again_noidea]

i'm worried that i'm too stupid to make any method work for me. Maybe i just have to jump from a building, but i have no excess to any high building and i really don't want to die through jumping. Fuck, i don't know what to do, maybe full suspension with benzodiazepine.

A friend of a friend died the other day. I'm so jealous that he got to die and not me. He was full of life and died in an accident, and I'm a waste of life and have to keep on living because I'm too chicken shit to CTB. Life sucks.

Life is such a strange thing.

 

[auror.]

Ready to be a mistake all over again tomorrow.

 

[LittleJem]

Another fucking day is over.

 

[BrokenLine]

hopeless

 

[deletednumber]

I want hurt myself so badly...i want die!!!I'm so fucking tired...so tired and i hate myself so much.I can't even kill myself,i'm such a loser and a total failure.I really suck...i'm so angry at myself

 

[myechan]

Just don't know what to do other than die. I've had my whole life to think about this from being an outsider for so long. It's okay, it even makes me happy to have existed and chosen this path.

 

[Seaghost]

And so my emptiness is back once more.
Oh she's got a beautiful sister named loneliness.

Searching for fetanyl or some gold nuggets to pay the holy N.
Get me out of myself please.

The child in me and also the older myself are hungy for love. We try our best to starve.

Need to continue reading Eden - It's an endless world. May the world end like this...Corona...it's yout turn!

 

[Depressed_Kettle]

I am frustrated/tired of feeling the way I do. I have good days sometimes but I also just want it to end but I'm scared of what happens when I do.

 

[TriggerHappy]

mad (insane) & confused :: am so messed up from ex & friends' wedding yesterday :: loads of emotional history went down :: to the point where my ex told me I was the one, but couldn't get my shit together & didn't wanna settle down. wtf?! I forget sumtimes that non-junkies also have license to do some fucked up shit.
Anyway, I was high (off course) and not alone so it was wierd emotional & awkward (inside me anyway)... I think he might've wanted a final fuck in the toilet, but maybe I got my signals wrong...tho I'm not so sure now I'm sober.
Maybe I instigated it, have to take responsibility :: planning to ctb soon and instead of just burning my writings / journals I scanned & sent him stuff id written :: think I opened something that shoulda remained shut.
The guy I went with is half my age, (he's so ok with it but truthfully im a bit wary) confronting and challenging and tho the intimacy / conversation is incredible, but he's getting attached. I'm planning to leave the farm for the city in November (advertising universe calls, literally) I want to run (into drugs // away somewhere else, anywhere else) I'm way too damaged for this. It brings up fears and failures of my past I don't wanna face. Feel the feelings like they say. aaaaargh. Apologies for the overshare :: gotta get it outta my head.
Thanks. Much love,
I'm introspective today.

 

[Seaghost]

New day old knowledge: Don't trust people
Fairness exist only on small Islands....without humanity
Exhausting... Exhausting...Exhausting...Exhausting...Exhausting...Ex...stop my heart good lord...make it stop PLEASE

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

So, the new gas station where I'll work is finished and I have to be there tommorrow at 6 A.M.
I'm anxious af :) I hate change. New people, new situations, in my warped mind there's always a thousand ways things could go terribly wrong for me. Mainly, it's the fear that I will not be accepted, that I will be ridiculed, that my anxiety will shatter the illusion of stability that I have to uphold. It's the question - how long will I be able keep this charade going without exposing what I am? This is so tricky. It's like method acting. You have to hide your true face even from yourself to make it work.
You gotta lie. Build on nothing. And as it goes with lying, you always end up with a mess. Without a basis in reality, instead of establishing a complex but stable identity, you end up with a caricature. A few features stand out. Everything else is bland. A walking plothole - it's what I feel about my public persona.
But probably, I'm just not that smart pull it off.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I am feeling a lot of blue emotions today. This is incredibly rare for me, I have such days maybe once or twice a year. I can't stand these feelings at all, and I hope I will be my normal apathetic self tomorrow again. They make me feel all sentimental, and I get the urge to find comfort in socializing, something that is completely alien to me. But scariest of all is that I find it really hard to get into a suicidal mood when I'm feeling so blue..
These emotions remind me of my childhood and early adolescence, I was so incredibly melancholic back then.

 

[again_noidea]

Failure, but hey, at least I feel good for a while

 

[iamthewalrus]

feel really sad. just thinking about how everyone hates me. its exhausting

 

[Blue_mist]

Hell Fire inside my heart.

 

[MindFog]

Tired, just so tired..

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Can't breathe.
Sucidal thoughts are stong today.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Ugly……… So very ugly………

 

[Maravillosa]

Frustrated and rather hot. (It was over 100 degrees Fahrenheit today — almost 40 degrees Celsius.)

 

[RainWhenIDie]

I have failed. I have failed to be a normal human being since I was a young child. I need to correct this mistake. This pointless, forced existence has to end. But that will not be feasible for a few years at least.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Dead inside…. A huge part of me died when my dad had passed away….. It feels like the last fraction of me has gone now.

 

[stygal]

Lunch break and all I crave is a cigarette...the irony.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

A little angry and tired. If I was exposed to the same stimuli a year ago I would probably have broken my knuckles.